You Ought To Be In Pictures

Originally posted 06/30/2005 6:51pm

I have Monday off from work and decided to take tomorrow, too, to extend the weekend just a little longer. I plan on spending some quality time trying to darken my pale pasty skin. I plan on going to the gym for some much needed pool time. I also plan on cleaning my carpets and doing a lot of nothing. I also want to get some photos developed that have been in my camera since last summer's trip to the beach. I finally finished off the roll a couple weeks ago. Yeah-- I'm one of those people who still uses old-fashioned 35mm cameras. A fancy schmancy digital camera is on my "wish list"... after a new mattress set, a set of tires for my car, and "tune up" for my car.

About three years ago, I had a personal ad on a web-site for "big girls and the men who love them." Little did I know at the time of my ad placement that the website was very very adult-oriented and that 99% of the people trolling the site were looking for a little something-something. Now, I'm pretty open-minded. I'm also pretty dirty-minded. I snicker if someone says the word "hard" in a sentence. I go to adult toy parties and make sure I kept money in my checking account to buy some souvenirs. But-- when it comes to dating and romance, I'm not as bold as I talk. I want the whole getting to know you crap-- complete with romance, wooing, etc. Chemistry and sexual attraction is wonderful, too. I just don't go looking on the internet for a quick, no-names-please "discreet" encounter.

That said, I naively placed an ad on this site and used words like "cuddle" and "quiet times together" and "watching movies" and "having fun with my friends" and "easy-going." All very innocent and factual phrases for describing my life when taken in context. To the men who read my ad, cuddle meant sex. Quiet times together meant sex. Watching movies meant watching porn. Having fun with friends meant I was willing to have multiple partners at once. Easy going meant that I wouldn't expect anything afterwards-- except maybe a cigarette and a slap on the rump.

So, this guy sent me a response. "So-- how big are you?" he wrote. No small talk. No names. No introductions. He cut right to the chase. I asked why it mattered. He said, "Come on, you can tell me. How much do you weigh? What do you look like? What size do you wear?" I wrote that I didn't feel comfortable giving out those kinds of answers to someone I hardly knew. He wrote back and asked if I ever did any modeling or movies. I said no. He asked if I would be interested in doing any modeling or movies. I asked him what kind of movies. I wasn't seriously interested but I was curious.

So, he wrote back that he liked to have really large women with rolls and rolls of fat to let him... do things ... between those rolls of fat while he filmed it and/or had friends take photos of it. Then, he asked if it was something I was qualified to do and wanted to do. He said, "We can even give you a fake name and blur your face if you want. I just ask that you give me permission to post the photos on my website."

I quickly deleted the email before it had a chance to contaminate my hard drive. I also quickly logged onto to the website to check out other ads and see if maybe I had wandered into the wrong place. I had... and quickly deleted my ad as well.

Just think--- if I had qualified, my 15 minutes of fame could have been as some blurry-faced mpg file that people all over the internet download every day.

Eat your heart out Paris Hilton.