Beyond Day Seventy - Six

As with most things in my life, I had the best of intentions with this blog but to be honest, the combination of "I fucking hate my job" depression and the tedious toll of my part time work from home job, I have had very little energy, desire and time to really truly focus on improving myself.

Right now, my part time job doesn't have enough "work" for everyone so I log in and feel like a seagull scavenging for bread crumbs. I can't bill for the hours I "wait" on work so I can be logged in for three-four hours and only have a good solid thirty minutes of work. I don't have the time or patience for it. So, I log in and if I read any complaining in the chat room about lack of work, I log out. I still have a minimum of 15 hours per week though so I keep expecting the email at any point now telling me I've been kicked off of the project because I only average 10-12 hours per week of actual work. The project manager keeps sending these "hang in there" emails and hints that beginning in August, we'll have more work than we can handle. Shit, I need the money now.

Abby is fat. She weighs 12 lbs. After having a cat go 6 months eating hardly anything, it's a pleasure to have a cat that wants to eat. So I feed her. If she tries to bite me, I feed her. If she is trying to claw me, I feed her. So, now I have to stop feeding her so much... and play with her more.

I got my first paycheck from my part time job a few weeks ago and had the time of my life blowing it. I got a pedicure, haircut, bought a new pair of sandals, stocked the fridge with some of my favorite foods, filled my truck's fuel tank all the way instead of with "enough" to get by, went to Big Lots and bought stuff I don't really need but wanted anyway, bought some lottery tickets, got some food for a cookout with some friends, bought a book, downloaded some music.... even rented some movies. It was only $300 but it felt like a million after scrimping and saving for months.

I also refinanced my truck and got a debt consolidation loan. I paid off and closed my credit cards. Now I have one payment each month, starting in August for my car and credit card balances... and it's not falling at the same time as my rent, like my car and credit card payments did before.

So that's my life as of now.

Days Fifty-Nine through Seventy-Five

Bad blogger. Bad. Bad. Bad.

I swear I intended to write. I did. But, then I'd log in and have nothing to say. My life seems to be in a bit of rut right now.

I had two weeks of "training" for my work at home job, then I was released to work my heart out on the 18th, after passing three quizzes.

I've discovered that having "no set schedule" is both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing this past Monday when I came home from work with a horrible headache and wanted to go back to bed. It's a curse right now because it's late Saturday night and I'm 5 hours short of my minimum requirement of 15 for the week. The system was down for maintenance Thursday night so I couldn't work. It was down until 8:00 Friday night so I couldn't work as many hours as I had intended. Trying to get to bed early enough that I'm not dead tired for the day job means that I've restricted myself to only working until 10:00 p.m. on weeknights. Most of the people doing this project have more flexible schedules than I do and seem to be able to work all hours any day.

So, that said, I plan on getting up early tomorrow and knocking out the 5 hours. The work is not hard at all. VERY easy in fact. Point and click. Point and click. Could I do it for 8 hours straight every day? No. Not without my brain turning to mush. The good thing is that on the weekends, I can work an hour, take a break, work an hour, run some errands, work an hour, watch some tv, etc.

My day job is blah. I've developed some resentment for the person who replaced me as supervisor because he has no clue what he is doing and I hate watching things go badly. I keep trying to remind myself it's not my responsibility but I have a certain fiber in my being that can't stand the fact that the team is constantly mucking things up, missing deadlines, calling off, coming in late, dropping calls.... I feel like the only one who cares about our reputation with the client. The guy who replaced me is a nice guy and I'm sure he had no clue what he was getting himself into. He handles everything by ignoring it. It's like if he doesn't acknowledge the issue, he doesn't have to address it. But, as you know, crap rolls down hill, so when he doesn't respond, the client calls me. The client emails me. "You always respond. You always have the answer," they say. The team members do the same thing. They bombard me all day with questions and ask me to help them deal with issues they have. I refer them back to their supervisor. They roll their eyes and tell me that he won't know how to help. When they do go to him, he sends them to me. I've whined to my boss who just shrugs it off and asks me to be a team player. I hate going to work. Hate it. If I thought I could survive only working the work at home job, I'd quit tomorrow.

Abby and I are still getting to know each other. She's still quite wild and some days, I look at her and wonder if maybe I jumped too soon into having another cat. At least once a week, I'll have a moment where I think of Molly and how much I miss her and how I hope I grow to love Abby as much as I loved Molly.

So, that's my life. Twenty some days summed up in a few paragraphs. Hmph.

Days Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven and Fifty-Eight

On Monday, I had my first "training" class for my new part-time job. Whoever said, "There's no such thing as a dumb question" should be shot. The trainer went over some very basic items -- the minimum number of hours, system requirements, the pay rate, scheduling hours and how to invoice. She had a nifty powerpoint (which she had already sent all of us prior to the training) to cover all of the key points. Sure enough, she got interrupted every few minutes by someone who would say, "I have a dumb question... " and then proceed to ask something she had just explained. The poor trainer would perkily respond, "As I just said...." and then proceed to answer the question. I was annoyed for her. The only thing that kept me from saying, "Seriously? Do you want these people working for you?" was the fact that I was getting paid (or will be getting paid) for putting up with their stupidity for an hour.

I'm actually kind of excited about the job. It seems easy enough. I will be reviewing "red flagged" ad content and either approving the ad or denying it based on Microsoft's terms of use for advertisements. For instance, there are certain words and phrases that Microsoft has deemed prohibited on their website(s) -- words that deal with terrorism, pornography, illegal drug use, etc. If someone submits an ad for their website(s) that has one or more of the prohibited words, the ad gets sent to an editing queue for review. An editor (me) will then review the ad content and see if the word or phrase really is harmful or if it's safe. If it's "safe", then I click "approve". If it's not, I click "reject". No phone work. No dealing with people. Just me and my computer mouse, clicking away. There is no maximum number of hours and the work is available 24/7. The project will last until the end of October. And I will get to put on my resume that I was an editor for Microsoft's Ad Center, which may impress someone someday, considering I wouldn't mind getting into editing professionally. My work is monitored for accuracy and speed. I have to do at least 875 ad reviews per 15 hours of work. Blah blah blah. I'm not worried. Plus I'm sure I'll get to see some pretty interesting advertisements. :)

On Tuesday, I signed up for a "walking challenge" at work. They are giving us pedometers which we are supposed to wear all the time and then every Monday, log the number of miles/steps we walked. At the end of the challenge (in September), there will be prizes awarded to those with high numbers, along with other prizes and such. What the heck, right? I get some exercise and a free pedometer.

Today, I got an email from a recruiter for a job I interviewed for a few weeks ago that the job has been put "on hold" due to company restructuring. I was disappointed at first, because the job had sounded pretty good -- closer to home than my current job, non-managerial, straight hourly work, salary close to what I'm already making, paid overtime, monthly bonuses, small office staff, and a male boss (no offense to my female friends -- but I work better with male bosses than I do female bosses.) Then, after the initial disappointment, I realized that it just wasn't meant to be at this time and having the job be put on hold now is better than me getting offered it, giving my two weeks' notice and then having the job fall through at the last minute and then be unemployed without any way to file for unemployment benefits because I quit my job.

Now, I'm going to go relax a little. My next training session is Friday night. I have a few 2-hour training sessions spread over this week and next week and then I can start working regularly. I haven't quite decided what nights/days and hours I'm going to work to get in my 15 hours. I guess I'll play it by ear and do a couple of hours a night... and if I feel like doing more, I can do more.

Day Fifty Five

I spent today indoors. Too freaking hot and humid. When I woke up at 7, it was already 80 and "feeling like" 88 according to the weather man. I don't mind the heat if there is an ocean or pool nearby to dip into to cool off.

Today, I read through 50+ pages of information for my new part-time job -- how to access their website, how to invoice, how to schedule hours, how to use AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) to contact my instructor, etc.

Tomorrow night is my first "training" session. I have 4 more before I can go live, but I do get paid for training.

The project is 4-6 months, 15 hours a week at $11.00/hour, which should give me an opportunity to rebuild my savings and pay down my credit cards. The best part is that I can do it from the comfort of my home and if I don't like it, I can ask to be re-assigned to another project. I'm really hoping this will open doors to a full-time work from home gig.

Days Forty-Five Through Fifty-Four

My excuse for not blogging is that I've been on vacation and logging into my computer for any lengthy amounts of time reminded me too much of work. The only computer usage I've done is to update my Facebook status, apply for jobs, check email and maintain my farm in FarmVille. And check my bank balance. I don't know why I did that because it wasn't like magic fairies were going to deposit anything into it.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Each morning, my dear sweet new kitty, Abby, would wake me up around 6:00 wanting some breakfast and to play. So, each morning, I got up like a good mommy and fed her and played with her for about 30 minutes. Then, I put out birdseed and peanuts for the squirrels and she would curl up by the balcony doors watching the squirrels and birds. I would crawl back into bed for a couple of hours and then officially "get up" around 9:00. I'd watch some morning talk shows, game shows, or Law and Order reruns for a few hours. Then, I'd check email, update Facebook, look for jobs and then make lunch. My lunch usually consisted of something quick and easy. One day, I had peach ice cream with fruity pebbles for lunch. Another, I had scrambled eggs with cream cheese melted into it. Another, I had 1/2 of a small seedless watermelon. I have to admit I rather liked doing whatever the heck I wanted whenever I wanted. No work projects. No meetings. No schedule. Then, in the afternoon, I would try to do something "productive". One day, I vacuumed and spot-cleaned the carpets in my apartment. Another, I hauled several bags of magazines to the library for "recycling". I cleaned the kitchen floor. I cleaned the bathrooms. I watered my plants. I did laundry. I washed dishes. I organized the "junk drawer". I cleaned the litterbox. I reorganized the fridge, freezer and kitchen cabinets.

By mid-afternoon, I would take a short nap and then make dinner, watch television, read a book, check email again, apply for some more jobs, tend to my Farmville farm, talk to friends on the phone, play with the cat, rent a video, and then crawl back into bed around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m.

Now, before you think I was a complete slug -- there were some "other" things that came up -- like an unexpected trip to the "urgent care" facility because I was having very very painful cranium pains, blurry vision and a nosebleed. Turned out my blood pressure was high -- which was probably my fault because I hadn't been taking my meds regularly. My friend Janelle and I had lunch and then went on a dolphin watching cruise. I've done them before. It's my way of combining sun, sea and salty air in one trip and getting my tan out of the way. Abby had a vet appointment. I had a dentist appointment. There were some random trips to the store to window shop. I spent one afternoon calling various insurance companies trying to get cheaper car insurance. I also downloaded a bunch of information about my part time job that starts on Monday. I stopped going to therapy. I picked up a pool pass for my apartment complex, in hopes of actually going this summer and cooling off by the pool and possibly meeting some neighbors. Lastly, I firmed up plans with my college friend, Dorrie, who is coming for a weekend visit Labor Day weekend.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation. No sleeping in or staying up late, sadly.

Today, I took a nap and had a work-dream. I hate those. I haven't had one in 8 days. But, the harsh reality of returning to a job I hate is sinking in. I had really hoped to find something better/different while I was on vacation.

In my dream, it was my first day back from vacation and before I had a chance to even log in, my boss pulled me into her office and b*tched me out for something that came up while I was on vacation that the people who were supposed to cover for me weren't able to handle... and instead of holding them accountable, she was blaming me for not preparing them better. She went on and on yelling at me and then ended the brow-beating with "and just for that, I'm sending you to California for a week to work in our new office there."

I woke up with a headache. It's not an unrealistic dream. Now, my stomach is churning and I'm dreading going back to work.

Now, I'm going to go make dinner, watch a movie and try to block out "work" in my mind for a little bit longer. Just a little bit.

Days Forty-Two, Forty-Three and Forty-Four

On Monday, I sent an email to the SPCA complaining about Abby's worm issue. I received a response from the center manager asking me to come in with a stool sample (from Abby, not me) and they'd give me some free de-wormer.

On Tuesday, I went to the SPCA to pick up the de-wormer and gave it to Abby last night.

Today, I got an email from a company I had applied for "work at home" work several months ago, offering me some part-time work. I have gone through several phone and email screenings for work and thought that maybe it wasn't legitimate, despite the interview reviews stating otherwise.

Below is the job description. Sounds pretty interesting... and the pay is decent, too. I can really some extra money and hopefully this will give me something extra each month. The project is 15-20 hours a week for 6 months.

(Company Name Omitted) has entered into a contract with software giant Microsoft. Recently, the Department of Justice approved the combined search efforts of Microsoft and Yahoo!. With this merger, Working Solutions will see a large influx of ad content to review. The combined search content will be reviewed through October. On this program, agents review ad content that will be placed on Microsoft’s Bing search engine. Agents will review and categorize the ad content to assure it meets all Microsoft's criteria and some of that may contain gaming, adult and pharmaceutical information. We are reviewing ads to ensure that any ads with unapproved content are declined from being placed on Microsoft sites, so agents must realize that they may be exposed to adult content on this project.

Two more working days until vacation. I'm soooo ready. I've never been this burnt-out before. I am looking forward to doing whatever the heck I please for a few days.

Days Thirty-Nine, Forty and Forty-One

The past few days have blurred into one another. I'm trying to recall what I've done.

Today, I went to the farmers market and bought a lot of fresh fruit and veggies. I wish I had a large plot of land where I could grow all of my own fruits and vegetables. Maybe even a few fruit trees.

Day Thirty Eight

Had some of the best Asian food ever tonight from a local placed called Forbidden City. General Tso's chicken and some lettuce wraps. Very very tasty. I washed it down with chocolate milk. I have some of the weirdest food cravings sometimes.

Financial place wants a face-to-face interview tomorrow during lunch.

I have nothing else to say so I'm just going to post a photo of Abby and call it a night.

6 working days until vacation. Wish I was going some place fun.

Days Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six and Thirty-Seven

Maybe I should have called this blog "52" for 52 weeks instead of 365 for 365 days. I'd feel less stressed about missing a few days of blogging.

I'm still drinking water. I think I may have lost some weight. My belly isn't as close to the steering wheel as it used to be.

The new cat has worms. Joy. Nothing grosser than seeing a worm crawl out of the cat's butt while you are petting her. So, now I'm learning the joys of deworming a cat and cursing the shelter for not doing it for me. She's still quite high maintenance. She's clingy and hyper. She likes sleeping on my feet, which I do not enjoy. She's also a biter. She thinks she's being playful but it hurts. I'm tired of saying "Abby No" or "Abby Down." I'm suffering through a case of buyer's remorse right now. I keep hoping that she'll realize she is in a stable home and will calm down. I like that she likes me but I also want her to just go away sometimes so I can have some peace. I have to close doors now for some peace, which I never had to do with Molly. A couple of times I thought about calling the shelter and asking if I could trade her in for one of the more passive quieter cats but I don't know that I could stand the look on her face when I leave her. I've also thought of getting another cat to keep her company but I fear she'll kill it when I'm not here. She practically mutilated the toy mice I've bought her.

Had a phone interview today for a part-time job at financial company. I hope they call me with an offer and that it leads to something greater.

Now, I'm off to a therapy session. I think I'm going to fire her. I don't feel like my visits with her are productive. I called the Employee Assistance Program people last night and asked them to find me another therapist. I don't appreciate my therapist's "tough" approach. She just keeps telling me that I'm a smart person and that I know what I need to do and then stares at me as if to challenge me. I was hoping for some exercises or materials I could use to help me be more assertive, less stressed and not worry so much.

Days Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three and Thirty-Four

Hmmm.... still trying to get used to having such a vocal and active cat in the house. She wants constant attention. Bought her a cat-tree on eBay. It arrived on Friday. I put it together Friday night. She has knocked it over twice and pulled both dangling mice off of it. She's very rough.

On Saturday, I worked on training her to sleep "on the other side" of the bed instead of on my feet. It works to a degree. If she falls asleep on the other side of the bed, she stays there for awhile. However, if I fall asleep before she does, as soon as I'm comfy, she wedges herself between my legs and traps me and if I try to move, she sees it as an invitation to play.

On Saturday, I also did some "greening" of my apartment and sorted through months of accumulated magazines to separate out those I truly want to keep and those I can donate. I have 4 cloth bags of those I can donate. I've also decided that I'm not going to subscribe to any more and let all of my subscriptions expire. I can't believe how addicted I am to magazines. All of that trivial information that I read once and forget about. I'm sure I can read many of the big stories online in some format or another.

Today, I printed out cable/internet/phone bill to see if there are any other ways to cut costs. I hardly ever stray past the "regular" stations so I'm going to call them tomorrow to see if I can get about $9.00 in "entertainment packs" removed from my bill. I also decided to take advantage of the dental insurance I've been paying for but never using and called a dentist and left a message for a free cleaning during the week I'm on vacation. I also called a non-profit debt consolidation place for a appointment that week as well, to see if they can help me negotiate a better deal on my credit cards. I'm so mad at myself for having credit cards again. I was totally debt-free in April 2007. Then, I moved here and was fine for awhile -- only had two cards for "emergencies". I used one card to get new furniture for my new apartment and am still paying on that. Then, over the course of the past two years, have added 4 more "low balance" credit cards to the mix, which I've maxxed out when my company reduced our salaries and I needed more $ than what I was making. I've been paying more than the minimum payment but don't seem to be getting anywhere. I had made a nice dent in them but then Molly got sick and after I used up my savings, I started to use them again -- for fuel, groceries, prescriptions. It adds up fast. I spent about $300 a month making payments to unsecured creditors. That's huge. I could be putting that towards savings.

Lastly, I sent an email to my financial advisor to ask that he reduce my monthly contribution to my retirement plan. I am currently contributing about 5% of my net income each month to an IRA but when I opened it last summer, I anticipated a higher raise and bonuses, which didn't happen, and now I'm feeling the loss of that money each month. It's really hard to live off of a salary where you can't earn overtime, can't get a part-time job because of the long hours you work and don't qualify for any bonuses. There's no way for me to generate income right now so I keep working on whittling away at my expenses. I hate this feeling of desperation of not having enough money.

I was supposed to go to a bingo social today but decided I couldn't rationalize the $25 fee. That's gas money... or groceries... so I stayed home instead.

I really wish I could win the lottery. Maybe I should play?

Days Twenty-Nine, Thirty and Thirty-One

Yes, I've been slacking again. Sorry.

Trying to adjust to having a hyperactive kitty in the house. She kept me awake until 3:00 a.m. Monday night, exploring everything and getting into everything. I'd start to doze off and hear a crash and have to go see what she was into. She likes knocking things over and looking at me like, "It just happened, I swear." She is going to think her name is Abby No or Abby Down.

Tuesday night was a little better. I went to bed at 10:00 and she jumped up on the bed with me. I held her close to my side and rubbed her forehead and ears, calming her down. She felt asleep beside me with her head on my pillow. She slept for about an hour. Then, sometime during the night she discovered the joy of sleeping on my legs and feet. Fun for her. Not so much for me.

Last night, I was exhausted from having a headache all day at work and went to be around 8:30, while it was storming outside. She fell asleep beside me and seems to enjoy cuddling. She woke me up at 5:30, ready to play. She has this gray furry mouse that she carries around by the tail and she whacked me in the head with it a couple of times. I got up and played with her then while she was distracted, went back to bed for another 30 minutes or so.

Today, I had another therapy session. It makes me nervous how she keeps encouraging me to get fired. "Don't worry about it! You'll get unemployment, medicaid and food stamps. You can apply for assistance." Um, and if I don't qualify? Then, what? (sigh) My "free" sessions are over now. I think I may try to find someone else. I am not really getting anything out of the visits. The last time I went to therapy, the therapist would give me homework assignments to do so that we could explore issues and feelings. This lady is determined for me to do something at work to "have my voice heard" and get fired. She seems to think that getting fired will empower me. Guess she's never had to worry about paying rent or having a car repossessed.

Day Twenty-Eight

I picked up my new kitty tonight. I asked for a vacation day for tomorrow so I could spend time getting to know her. My boss said no. I really hope I find a new job soon.

Abra, whom I've renamed "Abby", seems to be adjusting quite well. She explored every nook and cranny in the apartment and has now settled in, watching birds and squirrels by the balcony door. I don't think I have to worry about her reminding me of Molly and making me sad. She may settle down at some point, but right now, I already know I'm going to have to limit where she roams in the apartment.

Photo included. I apologize if you've already seen it on Facebook.

Day Twenty-Seven

My plan for today involved visiting the local rec center for a membership so that I can use the pool and to get my car interior cleaned.

I woke up early again and did some chores and then called the SPCA to have them release the hold on Abra so that others could adopt her if they wanted to. Then, I logged into their website and watched the cats on the webcam for a bit. I realized I kept panning to the area where Abra's cage was, looking to see if anyone was checking her out. After about two hours of checking the webcam every 10 minutes or so, I realized I wanted to go back to the SPCA and do one more tour of the cats.

When I got there, there was a young couple reading Abra's information card. I immediately felt possessive and actually told them, "I'm adopting her!" As soon as I said it, it felt right. I completed the paperwork, forked over $75 and then spent about 15 minutes with her alone in a room. They gave me all sorts of literature and some coupons for free cat food from PetSmart and discounts on pet supplies from PetSmart. I can't bring her home until tomorrow, assuming my boss will let me leave early to get her (the shelter closes at 5:00.) She will be spayed and microchipped tomorrow. On a side note, someone was adopting "Big Kev" while I was there so his days of being "big" end tomorrow.

So, for the cost of a rec center membership, I have a new family member. Molly will be her guardian Angel and I'm sure she understands that another cat deserves to be loved the way she was/is. I made sure I did not pick a carbon copy of Molly.

I then went to PetSmart and got a bag of cat food, a cat bed, a litter pan, a scratching post, a feather toy and two food/water dishes. Thanks to the discount coupon, I saved over 50% on everything. For what I was going to spend on car detailing, I now have everything I need for Abra.

I figure that I can save the rec center for another time. The reality is that I probably wouldn't go anyway and it would be another unused gym membership in my name. As for the car detailing, I can do it myself for far less than the CarSpa people. It'll burn calories and give me a sense of accomplishment.

This was a pretty decent weekend. Had a great time with friends yesterday. Took care of my emotional health today. Only cried three times. Still can't say Molly's name without choking up, though.

Now, if I could just win the lottery.

Day Twenty-Six

What a busy busy day! I woke up earlier than I intended -- really wanted to sleep in a little today, but was wide awake at 8:00. I know, this seems late for some, but it was only about an hour and a half later than normal ... and I had stayed up past midnight on Friday, despite my attempts to fall asleep sooner.

My plan for the day was to drop off some donations (canned food that may go bad before I get another cat) at the SPCA, see about volunteering for them, then get my car detailed -- there's just something satisfying about having all of the nooks and crannies in the car cleaned out and the glisten of Armor All on the dash -- and then meet up with a friend for wine tasting and then dinner at her place.

My day ended up with me getting my hair cut and then spending several hours browsing the cats at the SPCA. They are having a "special" right now that if you buy $30 worth of stuff (collars, carrier, dish, anything pet-related), they'll give you a cat or dog that is 7 years old or older for free (i.e. waive the $80 adoption fee.) It's being sponsored by 7-Up. So, I asked the volunteer to show me all of the cats that were 7 years or older. None of them really struck my fancy. I played with a few but just didn't feel any chemistry. The volunteer took me to see this one cat "Big Kev" -- who was named this due to a rather large set of ... um... cat testicles. As we passed this row of cages, a paw swiped out and snagged my shirt. I disengaged myself and continued to "Big Kev". He was a nice cat, but he kept sneezing and snorting and the volunteer told me he was prone to upper respiratory infections and I just knew I couldn't go through that with another cat. I congratulated him on his large package and headed back into the main room. Again, this paw reached out and snagged my shirt. This time, I stopped at the cage to see who was so frisky. It was a small shiny black cat with huge amber eyes named "Abra" (as in "abra cadabra"). She looked up at me and started rubbing her head against the cage door. I rubbed her head and scratched her ears. I noticed that she is only 1 year old, which meant no discount. Still, she interested me. So, I took her into a room and we played for about 30 minutes. She was very affectionate and playful. The volunteer told me this was unusual because she normally stays in the back corner of her cage and doesn't seek out attention. So, I placed a 48-hour hold on her. We had chemistry and I felt drawn to her -- just as she felt drawn to me. I just can't tell in my heart of hearts if I'm ready yet. I keep asking myself how I'll feel if the hold expires and someone else adopts her and I tell myself one moment that it means it wasn't meant to be... and then the next, I tell myself that I'd kick myself for not getting her for myself.

I think I may go back tomorrow to see if the chemistry is still there. I don't want to be disrespectful to Molly. I miss her every day. All of my friends keep telling me that 6 months is the average time to grieve the loss of a pet. Why can't I grieve the loss of one pet and still love a new one?

Anyhoo -- after the visit to the SPCA, a friend picked me up and we went to wine tasting. Then, we went back to her place and she cooked dinner -- Maine lobster and corn on the cob. We drank adult beverages and sat outside. She invited along some other friends of hers and it was a fun evening. We laughed a lot, which I needed. I slipped a couple of times and called her dog "Molly".

Now, I'm home and quite tired. How does one know when they are "ready" for something like bringing in a new pet? I don't want to get a cat just to have a cat, but I'm also not liking this not having someone to care for and love either.

Days Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five

I've gotten off-course with the goal of this blog. I haven't been in the mood for "self improvement" this week.

I had a therapy session yesterday morning and I've come to realize I'm really quite fucked up. (Pardon my language.) We talked mostly about Molly and how guilty I feel about her death and how I keep "what if"ing myself. "What if" I had borrowed money from my friend in Connecticut months ago to get the MRI. "What if" I had been home with her more to take care of her. "What if" I had been able to afford more time in the hospital for her. The therapist said it was normal to react and that it's part of normal grieving and that I need to just allow myself to grieve. I told her that I feel like a wuss for being reduced to a sniffling slobbering mess at the mere mention of her. I come home from work and wish she was here to greet me. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I find myself automatically shifting the covers to ease her off of my body so that I can go to the bathroom without disturbing her. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to such a small furry creature that my heart aches for her. I mean -- I've had friendships and romances end that didn't make me hurt as much as this does.

Anyhow - I'm trying to work through this. It's been a rough week. I've had a bad headache all week that just won't go away. I've eaten nothing but crap. Last night, I had a sick headache and broke down and drank some ginger ale to soothe my nausea, so now I have to re-start my "no soda" thing. I fell off the stairs at my apartment complex on Wednesday morning and did a complete wipeout on the sidewalk. I have bruises on my elbows, palms and knees and my entire body aches. I almost hit a guy on a bicycle tonight because he swerved out into traffic from the sidewalk and my reflexes were slow. My boss yelled at me this morning because the team has not been doing the work she wants them to do. I reminded her that I'm not in charge of them anymore.

Last night, I got an email from a recruiter for a financial institution who found me on Linked In.

Tonight, I sent her my resume.

Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in, catching up on some chores, visiting the local rec center and then going to a wine tasting with a friend. I need to find some distractions.

Days Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three

I only cried twice at work yesterday. I feel proud of myself considering that I wanted to do it more often. It's strange -- I've had family and friends die, move away, leave me, stop wanting to be my friend... yet the mere thought of a tiny little furball dissolves me to mush. I can honestly say I can't remember the last time my heart was broken. I picked up her ashes last night and she now sits on my bedside table, so that I can say good night before I go to sleep and good morning when I wake up. The one thing I did yesterday is research how to be a foster parent for animals in the event I want to take on this responsibility again.

Today -- today it was sunny and hot. So, I took a full hour lunch and went outside. I drove around for a little bit and then sat in my car, listening to some station that was playing Eagles and Kansas and other 70s mellow tunes. Elton John's Tiny Dancer was on last and that song stuck in my head all afternoon.

Tomorrow - I have another therapy session. Should be interesting "Hi Doc. I still hate my job and oh, my cat died. Let's talk about all of the help you think I need to learn how to cope and say no."

Day Twenty-One

I took a vacation day today to deal with my grief. I thought I could do it -- go to work -- but I woke up and immediately rolled over and said, "Is Molly hungry for breakfast?" and realized no Molly. I started crying. I knew I was too sensitive to deal with people at work.

The pet crematory called. Molly's ashes will be ready tomorrow.

Day Twenty

I made the painful decision today to end Molly's suffering. I promised myself that as soon as she was unable to walk to/from the litterbox on her own, I'd stop keeping her alive for my own selfish purposes and end her misery. That moment was today.

For the past few days, she has been having difficulty walking, jumping, etc. She has been very weak and when she lies down, she sprawls and shakes. I've been feeding her water and baby food through a syringe and carrying her everywhere she needs to go. Until last night, she was walking on her own to her litterbox. Then, this morning, she meowed to wake me up. She was sitting (more like slumping) at the end of my bed, looking at the floor like she was trying to get the courage/strength to jump. I carried her to her litterbox. She struggled to stand while she urinated and then could not climb back out. I knew then that I could not prolong her agony any longer.

She and I cuddled all morning, while I cried and asked God for strength to make the decision. I even took her outside and we sat in the sunshine for about 20 minutes. She didn't perk up when birds came around.

So, at 12:30 today, I dropped her off at the vet - Bay Beach Animal Hospital. Kind of appropriate because my two favorite places in town are the Bay and the Beach. The receptionist assured me I was doing the right thing. Molly was shaking so badly in her crate and trying to stand but kept falling over. The cancer I believe she had ravaging her body had finally won.

They are going to put her to sleep and then a local pet crematory (located on Happy Lane, of all places) is going to pick her up and then call me in a few days when her ashes are ready.

RIP Molly. I love you and miss you.

Day Nineteen

I spent most of the day being held hostage at the car dealership while my car was inspected and had its oil changed. The dealership offers "free" inspections and oil changes as a thank you for buying the car there. The price is that you have to wait hours for the free work to be completed.

After I left the dealership, I stopped at the pet store to get some food for Molly (to try to entice her to eat) and there were kids outside trying to sell cloth grocery bags to raise money for a school trip. No one would make eye contact with them. I felt sorry for them, especially this one earnest little boy who was standing there professing all of the great qualities of using cloth over paper and plastic.

I bought a cloth bag from him and applauded him on his strong salesmanship skills. He looked so pleased. He went running over to this woman, whom I assume was his mother, and said, "See, I knew someone would buy one."

So, that made me feel all warm inside.

Day Eighteen

My Molly girl gave me a scare last night. She vomitted on the carpet and then stretched on her belly, face down on the carpet and I thought for sure she had finally given up and died. She didn't move or open her eyes when I said her name and I was afraid to touch her because I didn't want to deal with the reality that she might be dead.

Then, just when I was about to do it, she opened her eyes, snorted and got up very shakily and walked out of the room.

I found her sitting in her (clean) litterbox with her eyes closed. It was like she was meditating. I picked her up and carried her to my bedroom and held her in my arms and told her that if she was ready to go, it was ok. I'd understand. I cried a little and then I let her go and she slept very close to me all night.

She's still alive but seems not quite herself. When I came home from work, she was lying on the floor by her water dish, sound asleep. Right now, she's lying half on the sofa and half off, with her head and front paws over the edge, towards the floor.

I've never loved anything as much as I love Molly.

My one thing for today is that I sat in the sun, after work, for about 20 minutes just soaking up some Vitamin D and trying to clear away the week and get in a positive frame of mind for the weekend.

Day Seventeen

I had my first therapy session today. The therapist said I need help. No shit.

Day Sixteen

I saw a status update on a co-worker's facebook page about how hard it is to say "no".

This is something I have always struggled with. People, especially employers, have taken advantage of me for years because I fear disappointing them if I say no.

I even did an "audiobook" class once by S. Covey about saying no. He stated to say, "I appreciate the offer/opportunity however at this time I will need to say no." He said to offer no excuses or explanations -- just politely thank the person for asking you to do something and then saying no.. and not wavering.

However, whenever I do this at work (which isn't often), I get cajoled. I get pouts. I get dirty looks. I get the "be a team player" speech.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I have to get a doctor's excuse or something just to be able to say no to something that I just don't have the time to do... or isn't my responsibility.

I tried the technique today. I'm not sure if it worked. We have someone visiting from another office. He told me today that he needed to get with me asap to "pick my brain" about some procedures. He told me that yesterday and I ended up writing a procedure for him, which he then gave to his boss as his original work. So, today, I told him I had things to do and would get back to him. I avoided him all day.

Then, at the end of the day, he stopped me and said, "Hey, do you have time tomorrow before I leave to get together to go over some procedures?"

I said, "I really appreciate that you value my input but I will be in training all morning and then I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30."

He said, "Oh, maybe you can find a few moments before your doctor's appointment or on your break?"

I said, "I really don't think I'll be taking a break and I can't leave the training room."

He said, "Well, we'll talk again in the morning."

I said OK and he left.

I wanted to feel good about saying no, but I have a sinking feeling he'll still find a way to corner me in the morning.

I posted a note on my monitor that says "NMR" to remind myself that everything is "not my responsibility."

I hope it works.

Day Fifteen

I don't know why I thought I'd be able to have more "normal" hours with the "downgrade" in my position at work. I was there at 7:30 this morning, had a 15 minute lunch and didn't get to leave until 6:30. Today, at lunch, some girl was talking on her cell phone to someone and she said, "Well, if they think they can work me to death and not pay me overtime, I'm going to sue them." I wanted to give her my name and number to include me. :)

My one thing for today is that I replaced the air filter on my furnace/air conditioning unit. I've noticed that I feel more sneezy lately and whenever the AC (or heat, depending on the temperature) comes on, there's this "dusty" smell in the air. So, in an effort to have a more efficient unit and to decrease bacteria, I replaced the filter. I didn't have to pay anything for the filter -- my apartment complex gives them away -- so I took advantage of a rarely used "perk".

Still no soda. I feel like I need a group session with someone because I really want one. I've been sipping on diluted apple juice to try to stave off my cravings for the stuff. I miss the fizz, the bubbles tickling my nose, the sound as I pour it into a glass. Hmmm.... maybe I need to switch to beer. It fizzes, has bubbles and makes sounds, too.

Day Fourteen

I had a vacation day today. It felt good to sleep in on a Monday morning -- until the fire alarm went off in my apartment building, scaring the crap out of me. I was in a mad scramble to try to get dressed, find Molly, find Molly's crate, shove my favorite photo album in a tote bag, find my purse and get to the door. My heart was racing. I opened the door and there was no fire to be seen. No other neighbors rushing around. I called the rental office and they told me that they were testing the fire alarm system. I suggested that they may want to tell people that. The young lady responded, "We didn't think of it to be honest." Sheesh.

I ran some errands and then helped the economy by getting new tires on my truck. Sheesh. The words "inexpensive tires" just do not exist in reference to a SUV, even a "small" SUV. I was able to haggle a slight discount on the alignment service but not much.

Then, I decided to browse a couple of clothing stores, looking for spring bargains. I found two casual knit tops for $4.99 each. A great deal. I discovered that they were actually pyjama tops that had somehow gotten separated from their bottoms and were marked down. You can't tell they are pyjama tops. They look like regular t-shirts. In fact, I found a t-shirt in the store made of the same material and style for 4 times the discounted price of the pyjama top.

A few years back, I bought some capri pants in the sleepwear section of Target for much less than if I had bought them in the active wear section.

So, my "one thing" for today is that a little creative shopping can add to your wardrobe and save on your budget and no one will know any difference.

Days Twelve and Thirteen

I got back from Atlantic City at 6:00 this morning. I did not win any money. I did not expect to. At one point I was up over $150 on a slot machine and if I had quit, I would have brought back more money than I took, but my "daydream" of winning it big kept me hitting "Max Bet" until the money was gone.

Then, I found a place to sit and people watch for awhile.

I'm proud to say that I did not drink any soda while I was there and only had 2 alcoholic beverages. I didn't even give into the free beverage service offered while playing slots. While I did indulge a little at the salad bar, I avoided heavy carbs and only had two bites of cheesecake and chocolate ice cream. I later had a sandwich in a bar and left 95% of the bread on the plate and had water with my meal. I also did a fair bit of walking around, inside and outside, while at the casino to get in some exercise. The only thing I wish I could have controlled more was my exposure to cigarette smoke and germs because my asthma really hit hard on the bus ride home and I could feel my lungs laboring to get fresh air. I also have a sore throat and bit of congestion.

Today, I resisted the urge to order a pizza and be lazy all day. I did sleep for a few hours because I could not sleep on the bus and the few times I did doze off, the bus driver would hit some rumble strips or a pothole and jolt me awake. I was envious of those around me who fell asleep right away and slept the entire trip.

I ate food I already had today -- no new groceries added -- and continued to drink water. I also drank some orange juice to try to scare away any germs I may have picked up while out of town.

Next time I get the urge to go to AC, I think I'll take the money and spend half of what I plan to lose on high payout scratch off tickets and then put the rest into savings and call it a day. My odds are better that way.

Day Eleven

Whenever I schedule time off at work (I scheduled Monday off several weeks ago), I always feel guilty about being gone for a day and usually end up staying at work until very late the day before and try to cram in a full day's worth of work in a few hours.

Tonight, I did not do that. It felt good.

I'm not looking forward to Tuesday because I know my email will be full and no one will have done my work while I'm gone, but I am going to not think about that until Tuesday.

I leave in the early morning for Atlantic City and won't be able to log on tomorrow. I will find something great to do on Saturday and then do two days' worth of blogging on Sunday.

Cross your fingers and toes that I win enough to pay off my bills, put money in savings and quit my job. :)

Day Ten

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to soft drinks. Not coffee, not tea, not over-priced frothy foamy lattes and frappes. I'm talking about sugar-laden carbonated soda pop. I've tried many times over the years to give it up, much like a smoker trying to give up nicotine. I've tried diet sodas, like a smoker slaps on the patch. I've quit cold turkey. But, then, I tell myself "Just one small sip won't hurt" and the next thing you know, I'm standing in the beverage aisle lusting after 24 packs.

Last night, I had my last bottle of soda pop. Orange Fanta.

Today, I drank water all day.

Right now, I have a headache the size of the entire continent of Africa. I'm pretty sure it's a sugar-withdrawal headache.

I estimate that by giving up soda, I will save about $20 a month. I will also do good things for my body by drinking more water.

So, if I seem a little grumpy, please bear with me.

If I seem a little thirsty, offer me some water.

If you see me standing near the vending machine at work, lovingly caressing the images of my favorite fizzy drink, please remind me that it's for the best.

If I win the lottery, I may be tempted to hire someone to create a soda that is low in calories but doesn't taste like chemicals.

Day Nine

I no longer have to supervise people. I never thought I'd ever regret a decision I made in my life but two years ago, I accepted a position of supervisor thinking it would be fantastic opportunity -- a chance to finally get credit and recognition for all of the things I did anyway without the title. I envisioned being the best boss ever -- someone people trusted, respected, learned from and thought was the coolest person in the world.

That didn't happen. Oh, it was ok in the beginning, but as the demands of the job increased and the work ethic of people I hired declined, my management techniques became borderline "micro management", following up on everyone every day. Mainly because I didn't want to get in trouble. Mainly because people had let me down and I was held responsible for them. I was tired of doing their work and getting heat for unmet goals.

Long miserable story somewhat shorter - I've been trying to find something else to do internally. My boss wouldn't sign off on a job posting to another department which left me hurt and confused.

But, she approached me Monday with a position within my current department that relieves me of my supervisor duties.

It will be a lot of work -- I'll be training, doing procedures, managing reports and other special projects. Possibly traveling.

I'm giving it a chance and hope that the no supervising thing will reduce some of my stress.

I'm also still buying planning on winning big Saturday in Atlantic City.

Day Eight

A few years ago, I was struggling with some issues in my life and contacted the company "employee assistance" line. They set me up with 10 free counseling sessions with a therapist.

At the time, I was having issues with personal relationships, money, work and stress -- pretty much the same things I'm having issues with now.

The therapist was pretty helpful but I wasn't totally open with her. I only skimmed the surface, hoping for some major breakthrough that never really happened. Oh, there were some insightful moments -- a discovery about how my parents used money and things to keep me under their thumbs emotionally, my bad habit of being drawn to men who wanted to control and/or change me and my constant need to "shake things up" because I don't know how to cope unless there's some sort of drama. The sessions led to me eventually losing over 70 lbs, ending a toxic relationship and changing career paths at work so they weren't totally without value. I just couldn't commit to digging deeper.

Here I am, right back in the same place. Sort of. I no longer seek out men who want to control or change me. My parents have no control over me financially and I don't allow them to guilt me into visits any longer. When I do visit, I stay in a hotel and choose the length of time I want to spend with them. I'm still working on the "no more drama" thing.

So, tonight after work, I called my company's employee assistance line and sought out some help. The young lady on the other side of the phone listened patiently and then told me that she could never do my job or deal with the amount of stuff I'm dealing with and gave me the name of a therapist. She "approved" 3 free sessions. Guess my current employer is cheaper than my previous employer. I called the therapist and left a message. We'll see if I can finally conquer this need for drama in my life and maybe learn some coping techniques that do not involve large quantities of alcohol, and/or prescription medications.

If I win the mega millions tonight, I'll cancel the therapy request, quit my job and consider myself cured.

Day Seven

I have had an email account with Earthlink for over a decade. When everyone was changing over to "free" email addresses at yahoo, gmail and the likes, I stayed firm with Earthlink. They offer this program called Earthlink Mailbox which is similar to MS Outlook. I liked that I could send and receive emails and have them be stored in this nifty program for later "offline" reading and responding.

Well, a few weeks ago, I got a new computer because my "old" one was being rather pokey... and Dell had a really good offer. (Remember when computers used to cost almost the same as a small car?)

The new computer has Windows 7. The Earthlink software is not compatible with Windows 7. I tried setting up the MS Outlook program installed on my computer to download my messages but, alas, I've been unsuccessful with getting it to work.

I spent a tortuous 30 minutes chatting up a technical assistant via online the other night, trying to get him to help me figure out why it doesn't work. Bottom line, nothing he told me to do works.

So, I decided that I'm not going to pay them $20 a month for a service that doesn't work. Tonight, after work, in a fit of frustration after having my email program shutdown three times while trying to send one blinking email, I chatted up another agent and asked them if they had anything that allowed me to just use their webmail service and keep my earthlink email address. They said yes -- for $5 a month.

So I downgraded. That's $15 a month in savings. The pitfall is that I no longer have the luxury of composing emails offline. But, $15 is $15.

If you're keeping track, with the $12 a month I'm saving on cable, I now have $27 a month to put towards my goal of being in a different "place" a year from now. (A year less one week, if you want to be technical.)

I bought a lottery ticket for tomorrow's mega millions jackpot. I brought home all of my personal belongings from work in anticipation of the win and eventual spontaneous resignation from work so that I can buy a sailboat and sail the world.

Day Six

A few years ago, when I decided I wanted to move to the beach and set out to save as much money as possible to achieve that goal, one of the first things I did was put myself on a strict spending diet.

One of the things I realized about myself was that although I knew a debit card is not a credit card, I sometimes treated it that way. I'd go to the local grocery store (and when I lived in Columbus, I had three big box stores that sold everything from applesauce to zippers under one roof within 5 minutes of my apartment) with a list in hand and budget in mind and come up with a full cart and more money out of my checking account than I intended. I'd put the food in the freezer, fridge, and cupboards proud that I "stocked" up. Then, out of sight became out of mind. I'd forget about the 10 cans of soup I bought or the 5 bags of frozen veggies. The pre-cut fruits and veggies would go bad before I could use it. The bagged salad would turn into a slimy science class experiment because I forgot to buy salad dressing to go with it.

So, when I put myself on my spending diet, the first thing I did was clean out all of my cupboards, the freezer and the fridge and toss out anything bad, freezer-burnt (burned?), aged, etc and spread everything out so that I could clearly see what was there. Then I made a promise to myself that I would not buy any more of those items until they were gone and then further promised myself that the only additional items I could add were things that would turn the existing items into a recipe or meal.

To prevent impulse shopping, each pay day, I would go to a grocery store (not a big box store -- but an actual "grocery only" type store) and buy a $50 gift card. That was my weekly food allowance. When it came time to get groceries, I *only* took the gift card (and a calculator) to the grocery store with me. There's nothing more embarrassing than being at the checkout with more food than you have money and having to ask the clerk to back off items until you reach your goal. You end up weighing the worth of a bag of chips versus a container of strawberries and feeling guilty when you choose one over the other.

Today, I cleaned out my fridge, freezer and cupboards. There was a lot of crap in there that I bought during "triple coupon" frenzies thinking I'd use the items but they got buried beneath other purchases and forgotten.

Friday is pay day. I'm going to start the gift card method again for groceries. Back in Columbus, we had this store called ALDI which sold the basics you needed for a fairly inexpensive price. I really miss that store. We have something "similar" here called Bottom Dollar, but it belongs to a larger food chain and the discounts aren't as great.

However, in an attempt to free up more cash for savings and "future planning", I need to curtail my spending habits. The deli section of the local Harris Teeter knows me well because despite my fridge and freezer full of food, at the end of the day, I don't feel like cooking and it's easier to just stop there and buy something already cooked and ready for my fork and mouth. I just looked through my checkbook and realized that in the course of one week last month, I spend close to $85 on "quick trips" to the grocery store for deli meals and quick fixes. That was IN ADDITION to the $50 I had already spent on Sunday(s) getting my fruit, microwave meals and snacks for work lunches.

I did not win the powerball last night. I did, however, buy a $1 scratcher and win $5.

Day Five

When I was a kid, I got a weekly allowance from my mom. Then, on birthdays, report card days and Christmas, I'd get a little extra from my mom. From an early age, I knew the importance of saving money. My brother would spend his money as soon as he got it. I, however, would not. I had a little purple metal bank (which I still have today!!) that had a combination lock. I kept all of my money in that bank and then when I wanted something (usually a new record, cassette or romance novel), I would use my money. If I didn't have the money for something, I didn't buy it.

Over the years, my spending and saving habits have gone through various evolutions. Like many people, I've abused credit cards. Like many people, I'm not nearly where I need to be with saving money and planning for my future. I've had times when I was very successful with saving and planning and had more than enough money in savings to tide me over for a few months... and other times, like now, I have nothing but cobwebs and IOUs to myself in savings.

About a decade ago, I was watching some show on television (possibly Suze Orman) about saving money. The person was giving advice about how to "painlessly" save money. That person suggested that an individual should give him/herself an allowance each paycheck. Cash. Then, when they use the cash, they need to set aside all of the loose change and save it someplace -- a jar, a canister, a coin bank, a piggy bank. Someplace where you won't easily grab a handful of loose coins (like a dish on a table or at the bottom of your purse.) Then, the person said that once you got into the habit of saving all of your loose change, then you should move up to singles. Every time you buy something, as soon as you get home, take all of the loose change and singles and put them in a bank and forget about them. The person said to set a goal of some sort for when you will "cash in" the savings -- like right before vacation, or a special occasion.

The plan appealed to my inner child -- the young Bev who saved weeks for a new Rick Springfield album or a stack of paperback books.

So, for the past 10 years or so, I've been doing this. My "allowance" amount has changed over the years as my pay changes and as my day-to-day needs change, but it rarely exceeds $30.

Each paycheck, I withdraw my "allowance". (Right now, it's $20 because that's all I can afford.) I carry that $20 with me in my wallet and give myself permission to use that money on myself or something that doesn't fit into one of my other household budget items (fuel, food, utilities, etc.) These days, $20 goes fast. This time, it was gone within two days. However, I still do the "loose change" saving technique. I used to do loose change AND singles, but every dollar counts lately.

Next Saturday, I am taking a bus trip to Atlantic City with a friend. Today, I took all of my loose change to the bank to cash it in for spending money for next Saturday. In the past 6 months, I have been able to "save" up over $85 in loose change. It doesn't sound like much, but for me, this is "found" money. Money I can spend next weekend without guilt. Money that will also be the parent to my new "savings" fund because all of the bills I use will yield some sort of loose change... and all of that loose change will come back from AC with me (the slots there don't take coins) and start the cycle over.

So, that's my "one thing" for today. If you find yourself having trouble saving, start small. One day, you may find yourself with more than you thought you had.

I also bought a lottery ticket for the powerball.

Day Four

I almost forgot. Man, what kind of dedication would I have if I started slacking after three days?

Today was an emotional day.

After a sleepless night of soul searching, I realized that I am exhausted. Absolutely positively to-the-core exhausted.

So, in lieu of lunch, I scheduled a meeting with someone from my company's HR department to discuss any programs that may be available for stress management. While I was there, I had a mini-breakdown and came to the realization that I really truly need a new path, a new direction at work. The company is a good one. I have no complaints there. I asked for an internal job posting form.

I have been struggling for two years with being a supervisor -- it really was harder than I thought to go from being "one of the team" to the "leader" of the team -- and although I've given it everything I have, I would much rather prefer to be a worker bee -- someone who is only responsible for myself. I am a hard worker and a smart worker. I just cannot handle the stress of unrealistic expectations, a team of people whom my boss states doesn't really like me much, and the ever-changing demands that are requiring me to be pulled in several directions at once. I feel myself cracking. I am losing control and making mistakes. At the end of the day, I feel beat down and depressed.

My manager has been aware (or so I thought) of my struggles. She has asked me a couple of times in the past few months if I regretted becoming a supervisor.

So, when I went to her with the form to post for another job, I thought she would sign it. She did not.

I practically begged her to allow me the chance to be successful some place else and not force me to stay in a job I don't like.

So, I left her office and went back to work.

I cannot afford to get fired.

So, my "one thing" today was that I tried to put my needs first and to improve my work situation. It backfired and I feel even worse, but at least I tried.

I'm also still praying for the winning lottery ticket.

Day Three

I don't want to work this weekend.

After work, I had to stop at the store to get some groceries and I was so tempted to fill my cart with stuff that soothes the sole but pads the hips. But, I didn't.

That's my "one thing" for today -- instead of sabotaging my small steps toward eating healthier, I chose watermelon, pre-cut veggies and fruit juice.

I should have bought some lottery tickets instead.

Day Two

I was sitting on my couch eating a tomato sandwich after work, flipping aimlessly through the channels... trying to find something "good" on. It seems like everything is in syndication these days -- no original programming to be found. So, I thought to myself, "Self, why are you paying so much for cable when you only watch three or four shows a week?"

I momentarily tinkered with the idea of canceling it altogether but couldn't quite force myself to go that far.

So, I called the cable company and pretended like I was thinking of canceling it. Adam was able to find a way to save me $12 a month. He didn't say what he did to find the discount, but $12 is $12. That's 1/4 of a tank of gas... or 12 chances at the mega millions ... or 12 rolls of scratchy toilet paper from the dollar store. That's $144 a year. I'll take it.

Maybe I'll wait a few more days and try it again. Maybe I can keep getting $12 discounts until they actually owe me money each month.

I also entered the "choose your favorite M&M" contest to try to win $50k. If I win, I'll give the cable company back their $12.

http://www.mms.com/us/vote/

Day One

For months, I've been complaining about my life and how I seem to have no control over what is going on in it. This isn't true. The truth is, it's easier to complain and do nothing than to do something and be responsible for my own actions.

I've decided that the time has come to stop complaining and start doing.

I realized that I am most successful if I have an action plan -- a goal -- to work towards.

Here is my goal: one year from today, I will not be living the current life I'm living.

Seems simple enough, right?

My plan is to do one thing each day to try to change my life. It doesn't have to be a big thing or expensive thing or monumental thing. But, I will do something. The biggest area of my life in need of help is my career but I also plan on addressing diet, exercise, social life, relationships, money, etc.

Like a rock tossed into a lake, one small ripple creates another ripple that creates another ripple and eventually the entire lake is changed by that one motion.

This blog will be my account of my small ripples in hopes that one year from now, all of those ripples will have changed my life in some meaningful way.

I am also opening this up to you all to share what you do to make your life more meaningful and for you to suggest things to me as well to try.

So, what did I do today?

I began soul-searching about possible future career options and updated my resume. I want to start internally at work for something new there.