Day Four

I almost forgot. Man, what kind of dedication would I have if I started slacking after three days?

Today was an emotional day.

After a sleepless night of soul searching, I realized that I am exhausted. Absolutely positively to-the-core exhausted.

So, in lieu of lunch, I scheduled a meeting with someone from my company's HR department to discuss any programs that may be available for stress management. While I was there, I had a mini-breakdown and came to the realization that I really truly need a new path, a new direction at work. The company is a good one. I have no complaints there. I asked for an internal job posting form.

I have been struggling for two years with being a supervisor -- it really was harder than I thought to go from being "one of the team" to the "leader" of the team -- and although I've given it everything I have, I would much rather prefer to be a worker bee -- someone who is only responsible for myself. I am a hard worker and a smart worker. I just cannot handle the stress of unrealistic expectations, a team of people whom my boss states doesn't really like me much, and the ever-changing demands that are requiring me to be pulled in several directions at once. I feel myself cracking. I am losing control and making mistakes. At the end of the day, I feel beat down and depressed.

My manager has been aware (or so I thought) of my struggles. She has asked me a couple of times in the past few months if I regretted becoming a supervisor.

So, when I went to her with the form to post for another job, I thought she would sign it. She did not.

I practically begged her to allow me the chance to be successful some place else and not force me to stay in a job I don't like.

So, I left her office and went back to work.

I cannot afford to get fired.

So, my "one thing" today was that I tried to put my needs first and to improve my work situation. It backfired and I feel even worse, but at least I tried.

I'm also still praying for the winning lottery ticket.