Just A Friend

Originally posted April 28.  Removed April 29.  Reposting May 4.  Decided to take a chance that the subject of the blog won't be upset.  Added a post-script.

You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

Oh, how I despise this Biz Markie song, but it's stuck in my head.

Every time I say the phrase, "He's just a friend", I'm reminded of this song.

This blog is going to be a cathartic blog. (From the Latin for catharsis - purging, cleansing.)

You see, it's about making someone just a friend, convincing yourself that someone is just a friend and trying to get on with life.

I need to get this out of my system so that I can get on with my life and stop "wishing and hoping."

So, here's the story.  

I had a really awkward, depressing and emotionally distressing relationship with a man.  Friendship/more than friendship.  Some days I couldn't tell.  I thought I was in love.  He broke my heart.  I picked up the pieces and moved on.  Moved to Virginia.  Placed heart in a box and got on with my life.  

Over the years, I've met some nice men.  Single, married, gay, straight, tall, short, etc, etc, etc.  I've become friends with many of the men but didn't see any potential in any of them.  None of them made me want to take my heart out of the box.

Then, last year, I met someone who made me sneak peeks at my heart in the box to see if it was intact and ready to be used again.  I didn't think of him romantically when I met him.  I saw him as "just a friend".  I thought he was gay at first, but he didn't respond to me the way most gay men do.  Then, I discovered that he was in a relationship with a woman.  Now, he won't say it out loud.  She's a "friend" but I have a pretty good feeling that their "friendship" is more in line with "...with benefits" than "just a friend."  Most guys will brag and boast about their girlfriends.  I found it odd that he couldn't say the word "girlfriend" out loud.  I realized he must have been hurt pretty badly by someone at some point and his own heart was in a box.  

I really only wanted friendship from him.  However, I felt drawn to him.  A weird special connection that I hadn't felt with anyone before -- not even the men I thought I was in love with in the past.  Whenever I'd get within 5 feet of him, I'd get these little tingles, for lack of a better word.  A heightened awareness.  I started to look forward to those tingles.  My heart started to poke out of its box.  I would quickly close the lid on the box and try to stuff my heart back inside.  But, then others started to pick up on our "chemistry" (that's the word I hear most often) and suggest that maybe just maybe there was more to us than "just friendship".  I would laugh it off and just say, "No, no, he's seeing someone." or "He doesn't see me that way." or "We're just friends."   When that didn't work, I started calling him my "brother from another mother" in conversation.  People were not convinced.  

I developed a crush.  He's an attractive, single man who is smart, sarcastic, funny, dresses nice, smells nice and "gets" my weird off-the-wall comments and humor.  He also likes 80s movies, music, movies, science fiction, aliens and watched the TV show LOST when it was on.  What's not to "crush" on?  But, I kept it as a crush and only a crush and kept focusing on "he could be a good friend.  he is a good friend."  I said the word "friend" so many times in my head and in conversations with others that it could have become a drinking game.

Fast forward several months....  the tingles are still there.  His "friend" is still there. I still really like him and feel a connection with him.  Others are encouraging me to see if there's "more".  It seems logical that if I feel a connection that he'd feel a connection, too.  Maybe it was time for my chickflick to happen?  I had no clue where I stood with him so I started to invite him to do things with me and other friends (never alone for fear that inviting him to do something with me alone would send the wrong message.)  My thought process was that if I could get him out socially, I could see if we had any chemistry that was not only related to our specific situation.  In other words, I feared that we got along so well because we were sort of silo'd where we were and were drawn to each other because there was no one else like us -- kind of like when hostages bond with their kidnappers or each other.   I wanted to see if we could be social friends, too.  However, he wanted none of it.  Still doesn't.

Now, this is where most people would give up.  Walk away.  Lord knows I've tried but I can't give up.  I've invested so much time and energy.  When you meet someone you have so much in common with on so many levels and with whom you feel like you can be yourself comfortably...  well, it's hard to walk away.

Around this time, I got an email from an "internet psychic" who promised to give me insight into my life.  I was having some problems with other aspects of my life and feeling a little vulnerable.  Lost. Directionless.

I reached out to the internet psychic seeking direction and hoping for lottery numbers.  In my mind, if I could win the lottery, everything would be great.  I could pay off my bills, travel the world... and my friend said he'd go with me if I won the lottery so then we could be social friends.  I didn't even mind that the only way he wanted to hang with me was only if I had money.  I thought I'd rather hang out with someone who gets me in a friend capacity than spend a lifetime trying to find someone romantically who may or may not only want me for my money.  At least I knew up front what his motives were.

The internet psychic wasn't much help but it did open the door for someone who does have clairvoyant abilities, a former childhood friend, to reach out to me and offer up help.  She was very insightful and gave me reassurance that the issues I was having in other aspects of my life would be okay.  I was very thankful and asked for help with the friend issue.  She was very kind, respecting my heart, and told me that she did see a connection and loyalty between us, but did not see a romance, mostly due to his issues and fear of commitment.  

Now, this is where I should have left well enough alone, right?  I should have trusted her instincts and my own.  Not to mention all of the signs that he wasn't interested.  But, for some reason, I had made up my mind that if I was persistent with showing him how much I cared for him, how much he could trust me, how well we connected, he'd open up his own boxed up heart and show it to me.  Maybe even let me in.  At no point did my friend say "He's NEVER going to care for you..."  So, the optimist me in me figured that slow and steady would win the race.  I'd just keep being me.  Lovable, adorable, caring and giving me... and he'd have no choice but to succumb to me.  I have a lot of friends who love me, love being with me, and who have been in my life for decades.  I figured it was just a matter of time.   I also made sure to surround him with other positive examples.  I showed him through interactions with others how he and I could be.  Positive reinforcement and all that. 

I get an "A" for effort.

I finally gave up on trying to keep my heart in a box a few months ago and realized that no matter how much I tried to say otherwise, I did have some feelings for him that were "more than friends".  I realized I wouldn't be opposed to more.  However, it's not all rainbows and sunshine when you realize this sort of thing.  At least not for me.  I'm scared to death by commitment after watching how miserable my parents made each other and although I consider myself a dyed in the wool romantic, I've seen enough relationships fail to know that it's hard work to keep the spark alive.  I have my own fear of commitment.  I have a hard time signing one year rental leases.  BUT.... I wanted to take a chance with him.  I did.

He didn't.  In fact, it seems the closer I want to get to him, the more he wants to withdraw.  We play this push and pull game.  He comes around.  I get hopeful.  He says something to set me in my place. (Like that he thinks someone else is attractive.)  I try to be the good friend and pretend like I don't have feelings and offer to help him get what he wants.  He changes the subject.  I get hopeful again.  Then, we repeat the cycle.  I had myself convinced it was just a matter of time until we had some big romantic comedy moment and all would be great.  I decided to try to accelerate this moment by introducing another man into the picture.  I had met someone who has all of the same characteristics as my friend... except this new guy didn't make me tingle.  But, he was super nice and 200% more open to me than my friend, right off the bat.  I was a little confused and thought that maybe my friend's job in my life was to get me to open up my heart so I'd be ready when the "real" Mr. Right came along.  I thought maybe this new guy could be that guy. Tingles can come with time, right?  However, this new guy has a girlfriend.  Even if she were to go away tomorrow, I discovered last week that he has a "type" and I'm nowhere near his type.  I digress.   I decided I was going to drink some beer for courage and then email my friend about this new guy in hopes that it would make him so jealous that he'd realize he wanted me for himself and, I don't know, challenge the other guy to duel at 40 paces for my heart.

Yeah, didn't work out that way.  His response was pretty much that we don't have the kind of friendship where I can tell him about other men.  He can ogle other women, hint at things he does with his "friend", lust a business associate that he sees for 15 minutes a month... but I can't share with him a heartfelt moment of awkwardness about another man.

I decided I needed to pull back.  I couldn't do this anymore.  It hurt too much and to be honest, I've never had to work so hard for a friendship.  Ever.  How can one person be so resistant?  He has other female friends.  What's one more? 

He went away for a week.  During that week, I was bombarded daily with "where is he? how is he? have you heard from him? is he having fun?" questions.  I kept saying over and over and over, "I don't know. I don't know.  We don't have that kind of friendship.  We don't have that kind of friendship."  First, I'd get looks of shock then I'd get looks of pity.  "But, I just thought..." they'd say.  I would shake my head and say, "Really, we aren't that close."  One person even said to me, "He told me he had a female best friend and I just assumed it was you because you are so close."  I laughed and shook my head.  Not me.  Heck, I didn't even know he had a female best friend.  That was sort of eye-opening to me.  Over the course of five days, I came to the startling realization that the entire friendship was pretty much fabricated on my side.  All of the funny stories I'd tell about him only fueled everyone's perception of our friendship.  I was the one perpetuating the legend of our great friendship.  I started to ask people, "Does he ever mention me? Does he ever tell you stories about me?"  No. No.

I was sitting here about a week ago, playing around on fiverr, trying to decide what kinds of ads I could place when an ad came up on the home page for a "psychic reading".  Now, we all have our own beliefs and feelings about these sort of things.  I believe my friend, my old school friend who has become one of my closest friends again, has not given me any false information over the months.  I trust her instincts and advice.  However, I was curious about what someone who is willing to do a reading for $5 would say.

She/he (I don't know the gender) pretty much solidified what I suspected and what my old friend had told me.  He's emotionally not available.  He is seeing someone else (or has feelings for someone else.) He cares for me as a friend, as a sister.  That's it.  I even took it a step further with this new reader and asked if there was hope for the future and she/he wrote no.  Not at all.  Said he isn't my soul mate.  Said he isn't the one I'm meant to be with.  Said that he has someone in his life who makes him happy and it's not me.

It was a harsh blow but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I know we are masters of our own destiny and that just because someone tells you something is supposed to happen (or not happen), it doesn't mean we can't change that path.  However, I have no reason to believe that anything will change his mind about me.  If he doesn't love me by now, he probably won't.  I'm not going to change (and trust me, I've thought about all of the ways I could change to be more like what he wants.  Hell, I even lightened my hair several months ago when I realized he had a penchant for blondes.)

I made up my mind that I was in love with the idea of being in love and that he was convenient.  He just happened to meet the criteria on a grocery list of "ideal man" things I created over a decade ago and maybe the timing was just right for me to want to open up to someone again.  I don't know.  The past 10 or so months have been some of my worst and some of my best.  I enjoyed feeling something again.  I hated feeling something again. I enjoy having someone in my life who is male and has a connection.  I don't enjoy being teased with the fact that I can't have him.

This past week, I kept my heart and tingles carefully in check.  I treated him like I'd treat any other friend, male or female.  I didn't try to do anything to woo him, win him over or convince him that he can't live without me.  I even sent him an email at one point telling him that I wasn't chasing him and only wanted to be his friend.  I didn't allow myself to overthink or overanalyze any of his attention or actions.  I walked away if I started to feel any sort of more-than-friend feeling.   I also offered one last invite to go out and do something with me and my friends socially.  I decided that if he came, it was a sign that there was hope for us and if he didn't come, then I needed to keep on with the neutral stuff until I can box up my heart again and abolish the tingles once and for all.  He didn't come.  

So...  I needed to get it all out.

I'm done with the whole man thing.  Dating.  Romance.  Love.  Life is simpler when I don't think about it, desire it, or pursue it.  I'm just not able to balance out how much is enough.  So, it's better to not even try.

He's just a friend.  Only a friend.  Well, sort of a friend.  Ok, mostly acquaintance.  Acquaintance with a little bit more. 

And I'm okay with it.  I am.  I hurt a little but that eventually goes away. 

The good news is that I didn't do anything stupid like tell him how I feel, which is a good thing.   I can just keep on pretending like nothing happened and all is good.

Friendship is probably better anyway.  I'd rather have him in my life as a friend for the rest of my life than have 2-3 good months of romance and a lifetime of regret. 

Post script, May 4.  Had a really good week with said friend.  A lot of talking and sharing, laughing and joking.  It felt good, really good.  Maybe this friendship thing should have stayed my sole goal.  Tingles are still there but I can fight them.  They go away eventually, right?  

Maybe he'll even get to the point where he feels comfortable doing something with me.  I'm leaving that ball in his court.  I don't think I have the courage to ask him again, though, and get turned down again. 

We spent a fair amount of time together this week and actually had things to talk about.  I hope he realizes that hanging out with me on occasion would not be a hardship.  I've given up alcohol so he doesn't have to worry about me trying to get him drunk and trying to get him to be more than a friend.

What I Do Know...

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the french I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geography
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about algebra
Don't know what a slide rule is for

But I do know that one and one is two
And if this one could be with you
What a wonderful world this would be

I've been watching the Hallmark Channel tonight.  That means romantic comedy overload.

In honor of this single woman's Saturday night, I've decided to write a blog about what I've learned from chick flicks, romantic comedies and romance novels.  Some of this is useful, but most of it is tongue in cheek.  I'm not feeling the love at the moment.  Kind of worn out on it, to be honest.  I just cannot figure out men.  But, I'm working on it.  And by the power of Alanis Morrisette lyrics, I will get better.

Here's my take on these flicks:

If you are a single chick and run out to the convenience store in the middle of the night for something like condoms, personal hygience products, etc, you will run into the only single, straight attractive man who lives in your neighborhood... and worse, you will need to borrow money from him for the shameful items because you only have your debit/credit card and the store, unbeknownest to you, only takes cash. You will hope to never see the guy again, but, guess what?  He happens to live in your building... or next door to your parents... or...  well, you'll run into him again.  The good news -- he now knows you are sexually active and/or when your period is.  No need for him to ask later, when you freak out on him over something dumb, "Is it that time of the month?"  He'll already know.

If you are a pretty straight-laced gal dating a pretty straight-laced guy, you will meet some quirky, fun-loving, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type who will help you bring out the inner wild child inside of you, making you question your nice, stable relationship with the nice, stable man.  Just as you are about to resign yourself that a nice, stable relationship is what you want, the quirky ne'er do well will do something to endear himself to you and you will fall in love with him... at the precise moment the nice, stable guy proposes. You'll say yes to the nice, stable guy because we all know that quirkiness is just a mask for immaturity and eventually your anal retentive ways will become annoyed by the quirkiness.  You'll almost make it right to the "I Do" with Mr. Stable, then in a moment of immature quirkiness, you decide you'd rather be with Peter Pan for however long he'll have you instead of with someone who will put a roof over your head for 50 years.  

If you consider yourself a "plain Jane" type, someone, at some point, will offer you a makeover.  You'll go from being "girl next door" to va va vavoom sex kitten in the span of several long hours at the spa, and then reveal yourself in slow motion, while some seductive love song plays in the background, to the one guy who has been ignoring you.  He'll be mesmerized.  You'll feel like Cinderella at the ball.  Then, within a few weeks, you'll grow tired of all of the upkeep and maintenance of being Cinderella and go back to your plain Jane ways.  But, that's ok.  You'll find out that the guy who was ignoring you hadn't been ignoring you and actually liked you as the Plain Jane.  Save the sexy lingerie though.  Even if he says he likes you just the way you are, he secretly reads your Victoria's Secret catalog and wishes you owned more crotchless lace teddies. In red. Or black.

If you are overweight and a plain Jane, and put yourself on some major overhaul diet and exercise program to catch the eye of some man you've been secretly lusting, you will find him to be shallow and boring once you finally land him and realize that the male best friend who was there for you pre-weight loss and who is there for you post-shallow man disappointment is actually the man you really want.  Assuming he isn't gay.  You'll be tempted to gain all of the weight back but actually enjoy the fact that you can wear corduroy jeans without your thighs rubbing together and creating a little fire... and that weird swoosh swoosh swoosh sound that comes from wearing corduroy jeans on your chubby thighs.  But, it's okay.  You can stay thin now and know that 10 years from now when you balloon up from producing 2.5 kids with the good guy, he'll still be with you.  He'll probably be chubbier too.  Low expectations and all that.

If you meet someone who absolutely makes your blood boil because he stands for everything you despise, you will have sex with him at some point.  Probably as a result of a drunken episode. Karaoke will probably be involved.  You'll want to forget it, but for him, it will be the most unforgettable sex he's ever had and he will want more.  However, Sober You still hates his guts.  Drunk You likes his penis.  What's a girl to do?  You get to know him better and realize that his behavior is probably stemming from some unresolved Mommy or Daddy issues.  Or low self esteem.  Or some woman who broke his heart.  Sober You will help him over his issues.  He'll fall madly and insanely in love with you.  His penis will thank Drunk You later.

If you have sex with a total stranger while on vacation, trying to get over someone else, you will probably end up pregnant... and then run into said total stranger later and have to try to explain the baby bump, while protesting "It's Not Yours!", which just makes you look like a slut.  Vacation Sex Guy will want to be part of the baby's life.  You will be forced to get to know him as more than "Cabana Boy".   You actually realize he's kind of a nice guy, who just went on vacation to have sex with a stranger to get over someone too.  Mutual itch scratched.  However, the dude you were trying to get over will resurface as well as the dudette he was trying to get over. Uh oh!  Who do you pick? Decisions, decisions.  Well, your baby does need a daddy.  Right?  I mean, you don't want to raise him/her by yourself.  You pick Vacation Guy and he picks you and you hope your kid will think it's funny some day when you tell him/her that they were a vacation souvenir.  You jokingly say, "Yeah, I usually just bring back shot glasses."

If you have a crush on a co-worker and your company has a policy against dating, you will be consistently paired up with the co-worker on projects, creating a lot of sexual tension, awkward moments and frustration that eventually results in a triste in the copier room.  You both try to pretend it didn't happen but it's hard.  At some point, you decide you can't work with someone you love and quit your job.  Of course you do.  Why would he be the one to make a sacrifice?  He is absolutely miserable without you.  He gets promoted and changes the corporate policy to allow dating.  His new secretary takes a shining to him and tries to seduce him, just as you walk in on them.  He swears he had nothing to do with it.  You think he changed the policy so he could see how good her.. short hand... is.  You eventually work out your issues, go back to work and giggle like fiends each time you run into each other at the water cooler.  Luckily, his office door locks and his new secretary is a gay man who is happily involved with another gay man.

If you are interested in a man who seemingly has no interest in you, as soon as you introduce another man into the picture, he'll be more interested.  His fear of losing you will conquer his fear of commitment.  Nevermind some other harmless man gets used and hurt.  You win.  You get the guy.

Aaaaah, is it no wonder I have no friggin clue how to deal with men?  (shaking head)

And yet I love my chick flicks.  I hope to be one some day.  I often joke that my life has many of the key ingredients for one.  The only thing missing is the ta-dah moment where the guy and I get our shit together.

Maybe I need to switch to horror films.  The only goal for those is to be alive in the end.  I think I can manage that one.

Soul Vacation

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way 

I woke up this morning with the song Drops of Jupiter in my head.  I love love love this song. It makes me think of transformation, growth and change. 

A few years back, this song was my "theme" song.  I played it all the time because I was going through a transformation.  Shifting my way of thinking.  Trying to get my head on.  I love the phrase "soul vacation".  I have no clue what the song writer meant by it, but when I hear the phrase I think of taking a time out to find oneself - to get reacquainted with one's soul.   My second favorite part of the song is the part about the best friend sticking up for you and then he says "even when I know you're wrong", meaning that he's her best friend.  Nice.  We all need someone who has our back.

I think I need a soul vacation.  I want to go some place "away from the things of man" (to quote Joe Versus the Volcano) and be alone and get my shit together.  And by shit, I mean my head and heart.  My head is going in one direction.  My heart another.  I'm burned out, frustrated, and a bit manic depressive.  I either have a really good day or a really bad one.  I haven't had any average days lately.  If I could remove my heart from the equation, I think my head and I would be okay.  We've helped each other out in the past.  Damn you heart, damn you.

It makes me want things I can't have.  I know there's a quote "It's good to want things" because it means that "want" leads to "doing".  "Want" is a huge motivator.  If you want things, you do things to make it happen.  Or, at least that's the logic.

However, I've been sort of shuffling around, not really interested in "doing". I spent a good amount of time -- about 8-9 months -- "doing" things I thought would bring me what I "want".  Now, I don't want to "do" anything anymore.  I'm not a patient person.  If I don't see immediate results, I give up.  I'm surprised I've held on this long.  Glutton for punishment?  Hopeful romantic?  Blind fool?  Pick one.  I'll answer to it.

I saw Train in concert in 2001.  They sang the song.  It was awesome.  I think I cried. 

I haven't written in a week.  I have things bouncing around in my head but I just couldn't make myself sit down and write them.

So, the first thing I want to talk about is underwear.

Most women are either "boxers or briefs".  Meaning that what they like to see on a man is either "boxers" or "briefs".  I'm a boxers woman.  I like the loose "imagine what is inside" look of boxers on a man. 

The other night, I was watching a tv show and one of the characters was walking around in a t-shirt and tidy whitey underpants.  Briefs.  Not attractive.  They always look saggy and unattractive.  I know it's about function.  I'm sure my 100% cotton high-waisted briefs are not attractive, but they are comfortable.  They do their job.  I have more attractive underwear but no one is looking at it and it's not comfortable.  So, granny panties win.  I guess men probably feel the same way.  I'd think boxers would be more comfortable than briefs though.  No point to this debate.  Just putting out there that I prefer boxers to briefs.  However, I'm not going to be picky if some guy wants to drop trou and show me his unmentionables.  I'll try hard to remove the image of my dad and brother walking around the house in their underwear (briefs).  I'll pretend he is some underwear model.  Yeah...   Oh... boxer briefs.  Awesome compromise.  If they even still make them.

The second thing I want to talk about -- signature scent.  I finally found a new "favorite" scent.  I blogged a couple of months ago about trying to find a new scent.  I'd love to say I discovered it on my own, but I have a man to thank for this new scent.  A straight man.   A male friend confessed a fondness for a certain bath and body works scent.  I had other lotions from other makers with the same name of the scent but none of them smelled the same.  You'd think something as common as Japanese Cherry Blossom (or Cherry Blossom) would be universal.  But, nooooooooooo.  Someone gave me a small trial size sampler of lotion, body spray and body wash for Christmas.  I started using it about a month ago.  I had to wait until the previous scent, Nighttime Tea, ran out.  I really like it.  It's not too floral.  Not overpowering.  It is soft and comforting.  So, I guess you can say I stole (or "borrowed") someone's signature scent.  He's a guy.  He'll get over it.  It's not like he's going to step up and say, "That is mines! You can't wear it!"  The clerk at Bath and Body Works told me it's their #1 top seller so there's hope I won't get attached and have it get discontinued like all of my other "favorites".

The third thing I want to talk about is my horoscope.  Or astrology, in general.  A couple of months ago, a woman told me that I needed to be on the lookout for a Taurus. Said that it was my most compatible sign.  I know a few male Tauruses... or is that Tauri? So, I read my horoscope every day and then I read the horoscope for Taurus.  If my horoscope says anything about romance, I check that sign for romance, too.  Then, I get a little giddy and hopeful if both horoscopes seem to be on the same track.  Then, nothing happens.  For me, at least.  I was telling someone about it and she jokingly said, "Well, what if his horoscope is coming true .... just not with you.  It's not like someone went to him and said that Scorpio is his match, right?"  I know she wasn't trying to be mean but it hurt... and it made sense.  We all get what we want out of horoscopes.  Whenever mine said romance was in the air, I immediately got hopeful for a specific person.  I didn't stop and think that if he was reading his horoscope that he might be thinking of someone else altogether. There's no reason why I should be the first to come to mind.  He might read his horoscope and then rush to read the horoscope of a Pisces or a Virgo... or any other sign.  It made me feel foolish to get such high hopes over something that is essentially just words.  I get three horoscopes delivered to my in box each day and all three are different each day.  You'd think they'd all say the same thing, right? (shrug)  So, I'm still keeping my sights open for a compatible Taurus, but I'm not relying too much on astrology to guide us to each other.  It just makes me realize that hope and excitement I feel for someone...  well, they may have the same hope and excitement for someone else.

Next topic... I realized recently that a male friend has this habit of being overly charming when he wants to impress people and he uses me as his "audience" for this charmingness so that the others can see it as a witty byproduct. I felt kind of foolish when it sunk it. I had thought he was doing it for me.  When we're alone, he doesn't really go out of his way to be charming, or witty, or funny, or endearing.  Sometimes it happens.  Mostly, it doesn't. He's your average guy with average things to say, usually about his job, television, the weather, politics, etc. It's not unpleasant.  I like his company.  I thought it showed a comfort level with us that he could just chit chat about general stuff.  Never anything too personal, though.  I've hoped and waited for the personal stuff but unless I ask, he doesn't volunteer. And even if I ask, it doesn't mean I'll get it.  I thought he was just trying to be mysterious... or shy.  I think it's just that he isn't interested in bonding with me that way.

However, every now and then, he'll shine and sparkle.  (No, he's not a vampire or a unicorn.)  He'll be very witty.  Funny.  Charming.  We'll engage in some sort of banter.  Maybe even flirt.  He'll share some random bit of personal information.  I get excited that he's finally opening up to me.  Well...  the egg is on my face.  I don't think it is for me.

Recently, out of nowhere, the man blurted out some talent that he had.  I was doing nothing that had anything to do with this talent.  In fact, I hadn't even been talking to him.  There was another young lady present.  An attractive, single young lady.  I had run into him earlier while he was with the woman, and he was all smiles, in a great mood.  I enjoyed seeing him smile and thought that maybe he was just in a really good mood.  I didn't connect the dots that the woman = his perkiness.  Until later.  So, there I was, minding my own business and he blurts out, "I've been told ...." and then goes on to tell me (in front of her) about a talent he has.  I nodded and asked some question that I can't even remember now that pertained to the talent, and he went on to list all of the different types of this talent that he could do.  I smiled and nodded.  He seemed pretty pleased with himself.  I felt pleased (and confused) that he was sharing something that had nothing to do with anything we were doing or talking about.  I looked at the other woman and she was smiling but she didn't seem particularly interested.  She seemed more interested in hearing the funny story I had been telling.  I felt like I was in  some sort of "who is more interesting?" competition and just walked away.  As I was walking down the hall, all of these "charming moments" came flying through my head and I realized that for the most part, there was always another person around.  And by another person, I mean usually an attractive woman.  I hate to think it, I really do, but I think he was using me to show off for other people.  He couldn't just walk up to the women and start rattling off interesting things, but people know we have a bond, a connection of sorts, and have a history of funny, witty things -- so it wouldn't seem odd for him to try to joke with me, flirt with me, tell me some sort of story.  What he doesn't realize is that I fell for all of it.  Hook, line and sinker.  I thought it was all for me.   

I tried an experiment after I realized what was going on.  The next time he tried to do or say something witty in the presence of someone else, I pretended like I wasn't listening or paying attention to see if he'd stop.  My logic was that if it was for me, as soon as he realized I wasn't paying attention, he'd stop.  If he kept going, then I knew it was for everyone else but I was the "audience" to give him the opportunity he needed.  He kept going.

Now, there have been a few isolated moments of whimsy that only I was audience to, but if I try to share those funny stories with people, he gets mad at me and tells me to stop.  Mostly because they are kind of odd things and probably wouldn't impress an attractive, single woman (other than me.)  Those stories don't draw the reaction he wants.

I don't like being the victim of a drive by charming incident. I don't do it to him.  I don't walk up to him and start acting amusing just to get a reaction out of other people.  It's not fair.  I liked thinking it was for me.  I liked having our funny little stories.  I hope it's just a coincidence that these other women were there.  Maybe he needed them to be there to give him courage to tell me stuff...  but I don't think so.  I think I was the "plant".  This makes me sad.

Which brings me to my next topic.  Hot chicks.  I don't understand why men feel they can tell me what women they think are attractive.  I don't ask them.  I don't walk up to them and tell them what men I think are attractive.  I don't sit with them and track other men with my eyes as they walk around us.  Yet, in the past few months, I've been the unfortunate recipient of that sort of treatment.  I was eating lunch with a male friend a couple of weeks ago and this woman walked into the room.  He tracked her with his eyes as she walked around.  I had been talking to him.  I could tell he wasn't even paying attention to me anymore.  I could have told him that I loved him and wanted to bathe in his dirty bathwater and he wouldn't have heard it.  Hello, am I that f*cking invisible?  So, to try to get even, I sent said male friend an email telling him I thought another male friend was interested in me.  He responded that it was too much information. He can ogle other women, tell me he's going to get laid (using indirect words to that effect) while on vacation, tell me that he "likes" a business associate (whom isn't interested in him.  I went on a fact fishing expedition to see what she thought of him and she said she thought he was perfect for me) but I can't tell him about another man. (Which I really wasn't interested in.  I was just trying to make him jealous.  Backfired.)   

He's not the only one, sadly.  I've had three other male friends ask me about or tell me about other women we know and how "doable" they are or how "hot" they are.  Seriously, guys.  I'm right here.  I'm a woman.  I am not your buddy.  I don't hang out with you and drink beer.  I won't slap you on the ass for doing a good job.  I deserve respect.  What are you going to do when all of these "hot" (and not nearly as funny, smart and personable as me) women disappear and all that is left is little ole me?  Beg? Grovel? Turn gay?  

I don't mean to sound bitter.  I'm just frustrated.  I could understand if I was encouraging it.  But, I am not.  I made up my mind a few months ago that all men were potential romantic interests until they proved otherwise (being in a relationship, etc) and I wasn't going to treat them as "buddies" until I knew for sure that there was no romantic chance.  These guys are doing it right out of the gate.  Hell, one guy only knew me three days and started telling me about hot chicks in his life.  (Sigh)

And, now, I'm going to wrap up with my last topic.  Weight loss surgery.   I mentioned in another blog that I have been thinking about it.  I went to an information session this past week.  I stayed for an hour and then left.  It just didn't feel right for me.  It seems way too risky.  Plus, I'm alone.  I live on the second floor.  I've already used up my sick time for the year. As they rattled off "things to consider", I realized I don't want to have the stomach the size of my thumb.  I don't want to give up alcohol and carbonated drinks.  I don't want to find someone to take care of me while I recuperate. I don't want loose skin.  I can't afford the loss of income while I'm off work.  I don't have a first floor place to stay while I heal.  Hospitals scare me.  It seemed scary and permanent.  It also seemed "last ditch" and I don't think I'm at "last ditch" yet.   

Also, we were asked "why?"  Why do you want to do this?  I pondered it.  To be honest, the only motivator I had is that I wanted to a quick, jumpstart to my diet.  I wanted to lose a large amount of weight in a short period of time.  I wanted to give these hot chicks my male friends are tracking a run for their money.  It's no secret I've had a mammoth sized crush on someone.  What I'm currently doing and who I currently am aren't making him notice me.  So, in my foolishness, I thought that if I had surgery and lost a lot of weight, then I could be the one who sashays in front of him and gets tracked.  Ha!  What was I thinking?  As soon as the "reason" materialized in my mind, I couldn't even bring myself to say the words out loud so I left.  Wrong wrong wrong reason.  Not because I want to be healthy.  Not because of health issues.  Not because of all of the statistical information that someone my age who is as large as I am is a major risk for early death.  Nope.  I wanted to be prettier and sexier.  LOLOL.  Laughing at myself now.  As I drove home, I realized I don't want a man who would only look at me if I lost a mountain of weight. So, now I'm returning back to the gym and returning back to eating right...  and this time, it's for me.  ME. ME. ME.

If it works, it works.  If it doesn't, it doesn't.  But, no more of this doing it for other people.  They aren't going out of their way to impress me.  And if they don't like me as I am --- 300 lbs or 130 lbs -- then I'm better off without them, right?

So, now I'm ready for my soul vacation.  

And to have Venus blow my mind.

And find that best friend who always sticks up for me, even when I'm wrong.

I've Been A Bad Bad Girl

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and
I want to
Suffer for my sins
I've come to you
'Cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know
Where I can begin
What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Whenever I say the words, I've been a "bad girl", I automatically start signing the song Criminal by Fiona Apple in my head.  I know the song is about a woman and a man.  I haven't been that kind of a bad girl.  However, I couldn't find any songs about being a bad girl with food.

The weight loss challenge at work ended a few weeks ago.  I'm happy to report I ended the challenge 22.2 lbs down from where I was at the beginning of the year.  It was true weight loss.  There were some people at work who purposely padded up for the first weigh in so that they'd have a larger overall weight loss.  I did not do that.  So, I'm proud of myself.  For most of the challenge, I was in the top 12 overall losers, but then a couple of people came in at the last minute with a higher loss and pushed me out of the top 12.  Still, I'm proud of myself.

Now to the bad girl part.  

I've done nothing to keep the momentum going since the challenge ended.  First, I hurt my right foot/ankle.  I've been to the doctor.  They think the initial problem was just a strain.  However, X Rays have shown bone spurs and it's been recommended that I go to a podiatrist.  Bone spurs.  Really?  I'm still in pain weeks later and I haven't been back to the gym since my initial injury.  I keep using my foot as an excuse.  It really does hurt, to my defense.  If I stand all day on it, by the end of the day, my ankle is swollen and my foot hurts so bad that I have to come home and elevate it and ice it.  I've been taking pain meds and muscle relaxers to help me sleep because it's tender and throbs.  Guess I'd better see a podiatrist but I don't have the sick time or the money for the visits.  Specialist visits are almost twice as a regular doctor visit.

Food-wise - forget about it.  I eat fine during the day.  I eat a healthy breakfast.  I eat a healthy lunch.  I drink water. I avoid sweets and snack foods.  But, then I get home and all bets are off.  I don't feel like eating salad.  I don't feel like cooking.  So, I've resorted to my old stand by -- quick foods from the local grocery store deli.  Subs, chicken, prepared pasta salads, soup...  Dollar menu items from fast food restaurants.  Nothing healthy, that's for sure.  Convenient.  On the weekend, I tend to skip breakfast and sometimes lunch, then have one large meal for dinner.  Again, not wise.  Not healthy.  The entire time, I'm chastising myself and arguing with myself.  I will pull out some veggies and then I'm just not "in the mood" for them and put them back and choose to make some other starchy food.  I've tried not to buy too many "unhealthy" things, but I always seem to unearth something in the fridge or freezer that is not the best choice.  Then, I'll be remorseful, run to the store and buy fresh fruit and spend the entire next day eating nothing but watermelon, cantaloupe, oranges and honeydew.  All delicious and nutritious... but not a healthy balance of food.  I'll get hungry again and then binge on something else.

I feel sick and tired.  My tummy is touching the steering wheel again.  I'm sure I've gained back at least 5 lbs of the 22 I've lost.  

I keep telling myself "tomorrow, I'll start over", then "tomorrow" comes and my schedule is packed and I skip dinner... or eat a late dinner.  Tomorrow comes and I have a not-so-great day or encounter with someone at work and I come home in a bad mood, eat something quick and easy and go to bed before it even has a chance to digest.  I've been so busy with work that I don't drink enough water.  I've been dehydrated and headachey.  I feel sluggish.  I'm mad at myself.

I want to be a success.  I do.  It's just so hard.  I envy the people who can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce.  I envy the people who can go to the gym every night for an hour every night and not ache and moan about it. I envy the people who have the time and energy to do that.  I know I could if I really tried.  I haven't felt like trying.

I stand here and stare at myself in the mirror and hate what I see.  I get so angry and frustrated by how long it is taking to lose weight and see a difference in my body.  I've had people (women) come up to me at work and tell me that they can see my body changing, but I don't see it.  I look in the mirror and see the too-large arms, the flabby belly and jiggly thighs.  I see the double chin.  I see the pudgy knees and elbows. 

I need a boost of some sort.  I need an injection of confidence and willpower.  I need a magic motivation pill.  I need to stop making excuses and just get back into it, but once you break a "good" habit, it is so much harder to start over again.

Now that the weight loss challenge is over, no one at work is really focusing on eating healthy and being healthy.  I don't have that support.  I need support.  I need a cheerleader and accountability.  Just this past week, I was "encouraged" four different times to have something that wasn't good for me.  And 3 of the 4 times, I caved.  Peer pressure is an amazing thing.  I can't afford Weight Watchers.

If I had someone helping me and supporting me, I think I'd be more apt to stick to it.  My male friend was trying/badgering me for awhile but even he gave up on me when he realized I had a ready excuse for why I couldn't or wouldn't go to the gym.  The eating thing was fine.  I had a grasp on that.

I eat when I'm stressed out or worried.  I've been worried about money a lot lately.  I've been stressed about someone I care about and the state of our relationship.  I use these bad emotions as crutches to eat badly.  It's like self-sabotage.  If other areas of my life are crappy and out of control, why not toss in eating badly, too?  Let's have it all go straight to hell. 

I've been bouncing around the idea of having weight loss surgery.

I looked into it when I lived in Columbus, but I was able to lose weight on my own, following Weight Watchers, and because of that, my doctor suggested I just do that instead of exposing myself to the risk of a surgery. 

That was almost a decade ago and I'm sure procedures have changed and the risk isn't as big as it used to be.

I'm signed up for an "information session" this Wednesday at a local hospital.

I think that if I do something so drastic as having my stomach reduced to the size of my thumb, then I'll have no choice but to eat healthier and lose weight.

I talked to a friend about it a few weeks ago, a friend who had the surgery.  She said I had to do it for the right reasons.  For health reasons.  I laughed and said, "To be honest, I just want to be thinner sooner so that there's some chance of attracting someone before I'm too old."  She didn't laugh with me.  She did the typical friend thing and told me that if a guy loves me, he's going to love me at 300+ lbs and if he doesn't, then he isn't worth having.

I told her, "Yeah, but I don't love me at this size."

And it's the truth.  I've tried to love myself.  I think I have an awesome personality.  I'm smart.  I'm funny.  I have a lot of hobbies and interests.  I'm not boring.  I'm a good friend.  I clean up nice.  I have nice eyes and a nice smile.  

But, then I don't want to think about from the neck down.  

(sigh)  I have no witty ending to this blog.   Just feeling a little down at the moment.

How do I fall in love with me as I am?  How do I change if I'm not lovable as is?  How do I get back on track?

If I were a honey badger, I wouldn't give a shit.  

But I'm not a honey badger. 

I want to be a honey badger.

You Light Up My Life

So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
You've come along

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I'm turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone

A friend recently asked me why I spend so much time trying to put "light" into other people's lives and hardly ever receive or ask for "light" in return. She said her wish for me was that someone would come along and fill me up with "light" like I do with others.

It was a good question and one I had a hard time answering.  

All my life, I've been a people pleaser.  I want to make people happy.  I want to make them laugh, smile and feel loved.  I sometimes have a hard time saying the words so I try to show people with actions how I feel about them.

However,  I've noticed that every now and then, I'll meet someone who seems to need more light than others.  So, I end up exhausting myself trying to put light into their life until I've pretty much extinguished my own light.

I end up feeling resentment and frustration.  I take my light (or what's left of it) and go home. 

I've been in a funk lately, mostly because I've been trying so hard to get someone special to light up my life.. and to acknowledge the light I try to put in his.  I've even resorted to childish and immature tactics such as trying to make the person jealous.  It didn't work.

So, I decided to be my own light.   I can't wait around forever for someone to give me what they are not willing or capable of giving.  If I spend all of my time worrying about the whys and what ifs of that one person, I may be missing out on other people who will put light in my life.

So, last weekend, I went to a Cherry Blossom festival all by myself.  It was a spontaneous decision and I enjoyed myself a lot.  Walked around, got some fresh air, chit chatted with total strangers, took some photos and came home.  I was full of light... and it had nothing to do with a man.

Then, last night, I went to a nearby park called Mount Trashmore which used to be a landfill at one point but is now a beautiful lake, with wooded walking trails and a mound.  I have lived here over 4 years and have never been there.  I went for a star-gazing party.  I climbed the mound.  I gazed at some stars.  I got some exercise and fresh air.  I came home filled with light.  Again, at my own doing.

I realized that in the 4 1/2 years I've lived here, I have not done much exploring.  I stick to what I know.  I go to the same craft shows, home and garden shows, restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters and department stores.  I hardly ever stray very far from my home base.  I'm a creature of habit.

So, my goal is to explore more -- to venture out into my neighboring towns and to find cheap and/or free things to do there.  I want to see more.  Do more.  Maybe through one of this adventures, I'll meet someone who will put light into my life.... or I'll realize I don't need another person to have light in my life.

I've been complaining for a few months about how Virginia Beach is not what I thought it would be.  When I made up my mind all those years ago to move here, I envisioned a better life.  I'd be healthier.  I'd have a year round tan.  I'd meet someone and fall in love.  Weekends would be spent on the beach having fun, wrapped up with moonlit walks along the water.  I went to the beach more when I was a tourist than while I've lived here.

A couple of months ago, a friend and I were joking about winning the lottery.  We have this deal that if I win, I take him with me.  If he wins, he takes me with him.  I play on a regular basis.  He never does.  So, I encouraged him to buy a ticket and tempt the lottery gods and enjoy some beginner's luck.  I reminded him of our deal and he responded, "Yeah, but you have to stay in Virginia Beach."  Then, he walked away.  It bugged me.  Why did he get to leave and why did I have to stay in Virginia Beach.  I felt like I was be punished and banished to some prison.  It was then that I realized I don't exactly want to spend the rest of my life here.

I asked him the next day why I had to stay and he said that he meant that I always tell him how much I love it here and want to stay here... and he doesn't.  I laughed and said that if I were helping him spend his money, I could be swayed to leave Virginia Beach behind.

I've decided to give the area a year to impress me, woo me, make me fall in love with it again.  If by this time next year, I'm not totally enamored with the area (assuming I don't win the lottery and move to Hawaii first), I will try to find a new place, some place that does make me happy.

Life is too short to not have some light, from a person, place or thing.  

My goal is to find it and keep it.

Listen To Your Heart

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

I was standing in line at the sandwich counter at the local grocery store tonight after work, listening to Roxette sing about "listening to your heart" and thinking about a gazillion other things... mostly that my ankles hurt, my head hurts and my heart hurts.  

There were 4 people in front of me in line so I knew I'd have some time to immerse myself in the song and wonder what it would be like if I actually listened to my body parts when they spoke to me about things like love, friendship, not doing foolish things.  I probably wouldn't have sent an email over the weekend that appears to have changed a friendship I have with someone.

I don't know if I made a sound or accidentally sang out loud or something, but the gentleman in line in front of me turned and looked at me.  I smiled at him.  I'm nice that way.  He smiled back.  He was an older gentleman.  Furry faced, kind looking.  I went back to "listening to my heart" when all of a sudden, he spoke.

"Why is it so hard to find a good woman?"  he asked.  I looked around to see if he was talking to someone else, but, no, it was me.  I just shook my head, smiled and said, "It depends on where you are looking."

He shook his head and said, "Women just want a meal ticket."  I frowned a little and shook my head.  

"Not all women," I said. I hate when people make generalizations about the opposite sex based on previous bad experiences. He sort of grimaced and then told me that he had been seeing someone for 14 months and she just all of a sudden decided she didn't want to see him anymore.  I made an empathetic sound and told him that I was sorry to hear that.  Then, I told him that it was her loss and that I hoped he'd have better luck in the future.  He laughed a little, one of those harsh "you are just telling me what I want to hear" laughs.  I know the laugh.  I use the laugh.

"What about you?  Do you have someone?"  he asked.  I just shook my head.  I felt tears forming behind my eyes.  I could smell the saline of those tears in my nose.  I looked away and cleared my head.

"No.  I haven't been lucky," I admitted.  He laughed loudly and said, "Luck ain't got nothing to do with it.  You have to make it happen.  You ever been married?"  I told him I haven't been married.  He frowned then and said that I seemed like such a nice girl and that there had to be some guy out there who wanted me.  I laughed.  I laughed the "you are just telling me what I want to hear" laugh.

"I do think there's someone for everyone," I told him.  He asked me if I ever came close to finding that someone.

I was going to answer him, but then it was his turn to order his sandwich.  He turned towards the counter to place his order and the moment was lost. 

For a moment, I actually considered sharing with the total stranger how I feel about someone, someone who doesn't appreciate me or see the connection we have and who fights me and it nearly every day, who hurts my heart.

He got his sandwich and turned and gave me a little salute as he walked away.  I ordered my sandwich and then headed towards the checkout.

As I was waiting in line, the song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, came on. 

I'm feeling a little sad about some stuff I foolishly did, but Celine is right.  My heart will go on.