You Light Up My Life

So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
You've come along

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song

Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I'm turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone

A friend recently asked me why I spend so much time trying to put "light" into other people's lives and hardly ever receive or ask for "light" in return. She said her wish for me was that someone would come along and fill me up with "light" like I do with others.

It was a good question and one I had a hard time answering.  

All my life, I've been a people pleaser.  I want to make people happy.  I want to make them laugh, smile and feel loved.  I sometimes have a hard time saying the words so I try to show people with actions how I feel about them.

However,  I've noticed that every now and then, I'll meet someone who seems to need more light than others.  So, I end up exhausting myself trying to put light into their life until I've pretty much extinguished my own light.

I end up feeling resentment and frustration.  I take my light (or what's left of it) and go home. 

I've been in a funk lately, mostly because I've been trying so hard to get someone special to light up my life.. and to acknowledge the light I try to put in his.  I've even resorted to childish and immature tactics such as trying to make the person jealous.  It didn't work.

So, I decided to be my own light.   I can't wait around forever for someone to give me what they are not willing or capable of giving.  If I spend all of my time worrying about the whys and what ifs of that one person, I may be missing out on other people who will put light in my life.

So, last weekend, I went to a Cherry Blossom festival all by myself.  It was a spontaneous decision and I enjoyed myself a lot.  Walked around, got some fresh air, chit chatted with total strangers, took some photos and came home.  I was full of light... and it had nothing to do with a man.

Then, last night, I went to a nearby park called Mount Trashmore which used to be a landfill at one point but is now a beautiful lake, with wooded walking trails and a mound.  I have lived here over 4 years and have never been there.  I went for a star-gazing party.  I climbed the mound.  I gazed at some stars.  I got some exercise and fresh air.  I came home filled with light.  Again, at my own doing.

I realized that in the 4 1/2 years I've lived here, I have not done much exploring.  I stick to what I know.  I go to the same craft shows, home and garden shows, restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters and department stores.  I hardly ever stray very far from my home base.  I'm a creature of habit.

So, my goal is to explore more -- to venture out into my neighboring towns and to find cheap and/or free things to do there.  I want to see more.  Do more.  Maybe through one of this adventures, I'll meet someone who will put light into my life.... or I'll realize I don't need another person to have light in my life.

I've been complaining for a few months about how Virginia Beach is not what I thought it would be.  When I made up my mind all those years ago to move here, I envisioned a better life.  I'd be healthier.  I'd have a year round tan.  I'd meet someone and fall in love.  Weekends would be spent on the beach having fun, wrapped up with moonlit walks along the water.  I went to the beach more when I was a tourist than while I've lived here.

A couple of months ago, a friend and I were joking about winning the lottery.  We have this deal that if I win, I take him with me.  If he wins, he takes me with him.  I play on a regular basis.  He never does.  So, I encouraged him to buy a ticket and tempt the lottery gods and enjoy some beginner's luck.  I reminded him of our deal and he responded, "Yeah, but you have to stay in Virginia Beach."  Then, he walked away.  It bugged me.  Why did he get to leave and why did I have to stay in Virginia Beach.  I felt like I was be punished and banished to some prison.  It was then that I realized I don't exactly want to spend the rest of my life here.

I asked him the next day why I had to stay and he said that he meant that I always tell him how much I love it here and want to stay here... and he doesn't.  I laughed and said that if I were helping him spend his money, I could be swayed to leave Virginia Beach behind.

I've decided to give the area a year to impress me, woo me, make me fall in love with it again.  If by this time next year, I'm not totally enamored with the area (assuming I don't win the lottery and move to Hawaii first), I will try to find a new place, some place that does make me happy.

Life is too short to not have some light, from a person, place or thing.  

My goal is to find it and keep it.