Just A Friend

Originally posted April 28.  Removed April 29.  Reposting May 4.  Decided to take a chance that the subject of the blog won't be upset.  Added a post-script.

You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

Oh, how I despise this Biz Markie song, but it's stuck in my head.

Every time I say the phrase, "He's just a friend", I'm reminded of this song.

This blog is going to be a cathartic blog. (From the Latin for catharsis - purging, cleansing.)

You see, it's about making someone just a friend, convincing yourself that someone is just a friend and trying to get on with life.

I need to get this out of my system so that I can get on with my life and stop "wishing and hoping."

So, here's the story.  

I had a really awkward, depressing and emotionally distressing relationship with a man.  Friendship/more than friendship.  Some days I couldn't tell.  I thought I was in love.  He broke my heart.  I picked up the pieces and moved on.  Moved to Virginia.  Placed heart in a box and got on with my life.  

Over the years, I've met some nice men.  Single, married, gay, straight, tall, short, etc, etc, etc.  I've become friends with many of the men but didn't see any potential in any of them.  None of them made me want to take my heart out of the box.

Then, last year, I met someone who made me sneak peeks at my heart in the box to see if it was intact and ready to be used again.  I didn't think of him romantically when I met him.  I saw him as "just a friend".  I thought he was gay at first, but he didn't respond to me the way most gay men do.  Then, I discovered that he was in a relationship with a woman.  Now, he won't say it out loud.  She's a "friend" but I have a pretty good feeling that their "friendship" is more in line with "...with benefits" than "just a friend."  Most guys will brag and boast about their girlfriends.  I found it odd that he couldn't say the word "girlfriend" out loud.  I realized he must have been hurt pretty badly by someone at some point and his own heart was in a box.  

I really only wanted friendship from him.  However, I felt drawn to him.  A weird special connection that I hadn't felt with anyone before -- not even the men I thought I was in love with in the past.  Whenever I'd get within 5 feet of him, I'd get these little tingles, for lack of a better word.  A heightened awareness.  I started to look forward to those tingles.  My heart started to poke out of its box.  I would quickly close the lid on the box and try to stuff my heart back inside.  But, then others started to pick up on our "chemistry" (that's the word I hear most often) and suggest that maybe just maybe there was more to us than "just friendship".  I would laugh it off and just say, "No, no, he's seeing someone." or "He doesn't see me that way." or "We're just friends."   When that didn't work, I started calling him my "brother from another mother" in conversation.  People were not convinced.  

I developed a crush.  He's an attractive, single man who is smart, sarcastic, funny, dresses nice, smells nice and "gets" my weird off-the-wall comments and humor.  He also likes 80s movies, music, movies, science fiction, aliens and watched the TV show LOST when it was on.  What's not to "crush" on?  But, I kept it as a crush and only a crush and kept focusing on "he could be a good friend.  he is a good friend."  I said the word "friend" so many times in my head and in conversations with others that it could have become a drinking game.

Fast forward several months....  the tingles are still there.  His "friend" is still there. I still really like him and feel a connection with him.  Others are encouraging me to see if there's "more".  It seems logical that if I feel a connection that he'd feel a connection, too.  Maybe it was time for my chickflick to happen?  I had no clue where I stood with him so I started to invite him to do things with me and other friends (never alone for fear that inviting him to do something with me alone would send the wrong message.)  My thought process was that if I could get him out socially, I could see if we had any chemistry that was not only related to our specific situation.  In other words, I feared that we got along so well because we were sort of silo'd where we were and were drawn to each other because there was no one else like us -- kind of like when hostages bond with their kidnappers or each other.   I wanted to see if we could be social friends, too.  However, he wanted none of it.  Still doesn't.

Now, this is where most people would give up.  Walk away.  Lord knows I've tried but I can't give up.  I've invested so much time and energy.  When you meet someone you have so much in common with on so many levels and with whom you feel like you can be yourself comfortably...  well, it's hard to walk away.

Around this time, I got an email from an "internet psychic" who promised to give me insight into my life.  I was having some problems with other aspects of my life and feeling a little vulnerable.  Lost. Directionless.

I reached out to the internet psychic seeking direction and hoping for lottery numbers.  In my mind, if I could win the lottery, everything would be great.  I could pay off my bills, travel the world... and my friend said he'd go with me if I won the lottery so then we could be social friends.  I didn't even mind that the only way he wanted to hang with me was only if I had money.  I thought I'd rather hang out with someone who gets me in a friend capacity than spend a lifetime trying to find someone romantically who may or may not only want me for my money.  At least I knew up front what his motives were.

The internet psychic wasn't much help but it did open the door for someone who does have clairvoyant abilities, a former childhood friend, to reach out to me and offer up help.  She was very insightful and gave me reassurance that the issues I was having in other aspects of my life would be okay.  I was very thankful and asked for help with the friend issue.  She was very kind, respecting my heart, and told me that she did see a connection and loyalty between us, but did not see a romance, mostly due to his issues and fear of commitment.  

Now, this is where I should have left well enough alone, right?  I should have trusted her instincts and my own.  Not to mention all of the signs that he wasn't interested.  But, for some reason, I had made up my mind that if I was persistent with showing him how much I cared for him, how much he could trust me, how well we connected, he'd open up his own boxed up heart and show it to me.  Maybe even let me in.  At no point did my friend say "He's NEVER going to care for you..."  So, the optimist me in me figured that slow and steady would win the race.  I'd just keep being me.  Lovable, adorable, caring and giving me... and he'd have no choice but to succumb to me.  I have a lot of friends who love me, love being with me, and who have been in my life for decades.  I figured it was just a matter of time.   I also made sure to surround him with other positive examples.  I showed him through interactions with others how he and I could be.  Positive reinforcement and all that. 

I get an "A" for effort.

I finally gave up on trying to keep my heart in a box a few months ago and realized that no matter how much I tried to say otherwise, I did have some feelings for him that were "more than friends".  I realized I wouldn't be opposed to more.  However, it's not all rainbows and sunshine when you realize this sort of thing.  At least not for me.  I'm scared to death by commitment after watching how miserable my parents made each other and although I consider myself a dyed in the wool romantic, I've seen enough relationships fail to know that it's hard work to keep the spark alive.  I have my own fear of commitment.  I have a hard time signing one year rental leases.  BUT.... I wanted to take a chance with him.  I did.

He didn't.  In fact, it seems the closer I want to get to him, the more he wants to withdraw.  We play this push and pull game.  He comes around.  I get hopeful.  He says something to set me in my place. (Like that he thinks someone else is attractive.)  I try to be the good friend and pretend like I don't have feelings and offer to help him get what he wants.  He changes the subject.  I get hopeful again.  Then, we repeat the cycle.  I had myself convinced it was just a matter of time until we had some big romantic comedy moment and all would be great.  I decided to try to accelerate this moment by introducing another man into the picture.  I had met someone who has all of the same characteristics as my friend... except this new guy didn't make me tingle.  But, he was super nice and 200% more open to me than my friend, right off the bat.  I was a little confused and thought that maybe my friend's job in my life was to get me to open up my heart so I'd be ready when the "real" Mr. Right came along.  I thought maybe this new guy could be that guy. Tingles can come with time, right?  However, this new guy has a girlfriend.  Even if she were to go away tomorrow, I discovered last week that he has a "type" and I'm nowhere near his type.  I digress.   I decided I was going to drink some beer for courage and then email my friend about this new guy in hopes that it would make him so jealous that he'd realize he wanted me for himself and, I don't know, challenge the other guy to duel at 40 paces for my heart.

Yeah, didn't work out that way.  His response was pretty much that we don't have the kind of friendship where I can tell him about other men.  He can ogle other women, hint at things he does with his "friend", lust a business associate that he sees for 15 minutes a month... but I can't share with him a heartfelt moment of awkwardness about another man.

I decided I needed to pull back.  I couldn't do this anymore.  It hurt too much and to be honest, I've never had to work so hard for a friendship.  Ever.  How can one person be so resistant?  He has other female friends.  What's one more? 

He went away for a week.  During that week, I was bombarded daily with "where is he? how is he? have you heard from him? is he having fun?" questions.  I kept saying over and over and over, "I don't know. I don't know.  We don't have that kind of friendship.  We don't have that kind of friendship."  First, I'd get looks of shock then I'd get looks of pity.  "But, I just thought..." they'd say.  I would shake my head and say, "Really, we aren't that close."  One person even said to me, "He told me he had a female best friend and I just assumed it was you because you are so close."  I laughed and shook my head.  Not me.  Heck, I didn't even know he had a female best friend.  That was sort of eye-opening to me.  Over the course of five days, I came to the startling realization that the entire friendship was pretty much fabricated on my side.  All of the funny stories I'd tell about him only fueled everyone's perception of our friendship.  I was the one perpetuating the legend of our great friendship.  I started to ask people, "Does he ever mention me? Does he ever tell you stories about me?"  No. No.

I was sitting here about a week ago, playing around on fiverr, trying to decide what kinds of ads I could place when an ad came up on the home page for a "psychic reading".  Now, we all have our own beliefs and feelings about these sort of things.  I believe my friend, my old school friend who has become one of my closest friends again, has not given me any false information over the months.  I trust her instincts and advice.  However, I was curious about what someone who is willing to do a reading for $5 would say.

She/he (I don't know the gender) pretty much solidified what I suspected and what my old friend had told me.  He's emotionally not available.  He is seeing someone else (or has feelings for someone else.) He cares for me as a friend, as a sister.  That's it.  I even took it a step further with this new reader and asked if there was hope for the future and she/he wrote no.  Not at all.  Said he isn't my soul mate.  Said he isn't the one I'm meant to be with.  Said that he has someone in his life who makes him happy and it's not me.

It was a harsh blow but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I know we are masters of our own destiny and that just because someone tells you something is supposed to happen (or not happen), it doesn't mean we can't change that path.  However, I have no reason to believe that anything will change his mind about me.  If he doesn't love me by now, he probably won't.  I'm not going to change (and trust me, I've thought about all of the ways I could change to be more like what he wants.  Hell, I even lightened my hair several months ago when I realized he had a penchant for blondes.)

I made up my mind that I was in love with the idea of being in love and that he was convenient.  He just happened to meet the criteria on a grocery list of "ideal man" things I created over a decade ago and maybe the timing was just right for me to want to open up to someone again.  I don't know.  The past 10 or so months have been some of my worst and some of my best.  I enjoyed feeling something again.  I hated feeling something again. I enjoy having someone in my life who is male and has a connection.  I don't enjoy being teased with the fact that I can't have him.

This past week, I kept my heart and tingles carefully in check.  I treated him like I'd treat any other friend, male or female.  I didn't try to do anything to woo him, win him over or convince him that he can't live without me.  I even sent him an email at one point telling him that I wasn't chasing him and only wanted to be his friend.  I didn't allow myself to overthink or overanalyze any of his attention or actions.  I walked away if I started to feel any sort of more-than-friend feeling.   I also offered one last invite to go out and do something with me and my friends socially.  I decided that if he came, it was a sign that there was hope for us and if he didn't come, then I needed to keep on with the neutral stuff until I can box up my heart again and abolish the tingles once and for all.  He didn't come.  

So...  I needed to get it all out.

I'm done with the whole man thing.  Dating.  Romance.  Love.  Life is simpler when I don't think about it, desire it, or pursue it.  I'm just not able to balance out how much is enough.  So, it's better to not even try.

He's just a friend.  Only a friend.  Well, sort of a friend.  Ok, mostly acquaintance.  Acquaintance with a little bit more. 

And I'm okay with it.  I am.  I hurt a little but that eventually goes away. 

The good news is that I didn't do anything stupid like tell him how I feel, which is a good thing.   I can just keep on pretending like nothing happened and all is good.

Friendship is probably better anyway.  I'd rather have him in my life as a friend for the rest of my life than have 2-3 good months of romance and a lifetime of regret. 

Post script, May 4.  Had a really good week with said friend.  A lot of talking and sharing, laughing and joking.  It felt good, really good.  Maybe this friendship thing should have stayed my sole goal.  Tingles are still there but I can fight them.  They go away eventually, right?  

Maybe he'll even get to the point where he feels comfortable doing something with me.  I'm leaving that ball in his court.  I don't think I have the courage to ask him again, though, and get turned down again. 

We spent a fair amount of time together this week and actually had things to talk about.  I hope he realizes that hanging out with me on occasion would not be a hardship.  I've given up alcohol so he doesn't have to worry about me trying to get him drunk and trying to get him to be more than a friend.