Control

I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
You lock me up inside your dirty cage
Well I'm alone inside my mind

I'd like to teach you all the rules
I'd get to see them set in stone
I like it when you chain me to the bed
But then your secrets never shone

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no

I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's there even you and me?

Puddle of Mudd - Control

Last Friday night, I went to two separate "happy hours" -- one with some girlfriends whom I try to get together with once a month and one to celebrate a co-worker's birthday.   I'm not really much of a drinker. However, whenever I feel the need to lose some control, I drink.  I don't normally like to lose control, but if I'm drunk, then I have an excuse.  It's always been that way for me.  It started in college, with a roommate who was far more experienced and outgoing than I was, who would encourage me to experiment a little, go a little wild.  I was fairly reserved and could have fun without alcohol, but whenever I needed that extra boost of courage, I'd give in to the liquid variety of courage.  What the hell, right?  That's what college is all about, right?  I hadn't been a drinker in high school.  I really was the epitome of the good girl.  So, when I drank in college, I felt a little "bad".

Fast forward to Friday night.  At the second bar, I told myself I'd only have one drink and call it quits.  I had one drink, then another...  Before we had gotten there, I had already had 4 mixed drinks at the first bar, in an hour span.  I was already quite buzzy in the head.  After beer # 3 at the second bar, the lead singer of the band that was performing started to look mighty attractive to me.  Very attractive. My hormones were acting up a bit. I liked his sense of humor.  I liked his musical ability.  I have absolutely NO musical ability so I'm in awe of anyone who can sing, play an instrument, etc. I liked his body type -- tall, lean, kind of good looking but not too good-looking either.  Dark hair.  Nice smile.  I was smitten.   After beer 4, I decided in my head that I wanted to step outside of myself and do something I've never done in my life.  I wanted to have a one night stand.  With the lead singer of the band.  Now, I didn't know anything about him except that his name was Mike, that he grew up in Oregon (which I heard him tell someone else), that he's in the Army (which he told someone else), and the band is a side gig.  There was no wedding band and there weren't any good-looking men ogling him, so I assumed he was single and straight.  My goal was to try to corner him during his next break.  Talk to him.  I even danced in front of the stage with a friend hoping to show him I'm outgoing and ready for some fun.  For the night, I wasn't a 43 year old overweight woman who hasn't had a date in over 6 years, who would rather be home reading a book or watching television.

I shared this little goal with a friend and she gaped at me.  "Do me favor.  Don't do it.  Take a picture of the guy and then tomorrow, when you're sober, look at the picture, think back to what you liked about him.  If you do sleep with him, it won't be him you'll be sleeping with," she said.  I'm paraphrasing because I was drunk when she gave me the advice but it basically came down to the fact that she thought I was going to do something stupid and I trusted her to watch out for me.  I drank some water, got some fresh air, paid my tab and went home.  

The next morning, when I uploaded the pictures, I realized she was right.  I would have been using the poor lead singer as a substitute for Mr. Tingles (the guy in my "Just a Friend" blog)  He had the same body build, haircut and general good looks as him.  To make matters even more weird - they shared some geography and military similarities.  (insert Twilight Zone music.)  So, it appears I have a "type".  Whodathunk it?

While I was drunk and smitten, I updated my Facebook status with the information that I'd "hit it" with the lead singer.  Electronic devices and alcohol should not be in my possession at the same time.  If I were a guy, I'd probably be texting random photos of my junk to people after a few beers.  Luckily, I'm not flexible enough to share photos of my junk drawer... and the camera on my phone sucks.

My confession on FB led to three people suggesting that I read the book Fifty Shades of Grey.  They wouldn't tell me what the book was about, but they suggested I read it.  I'm a reader.  I have a Kindle Fire.  I downloaded the trilogy (yes, three danged books!! I blame TWILIGHT for everyone wanting to write trilogies now!) on Sunday night while watching Forrest Gump on TNT.  I felt a little dirty reading an erotic book while poor Forrest pours his heart out to Jenny.  

Yes, I said erotic book.  The book(s) are about Christian Grey, a mega-millionaire (because all romantic heroes are rolling in the dough) business man, who meets a young woman named Ana and wants her to become his love slave.  Literally. He has emotional commitment issues stemming from a bad childhood and only wants a sexual relationship with Ana.  She's young, innocent, sweet.  However, she does have some fire and spunk he didn't expect.  He presents her with a sex contract that clearly details the types of sex they will have, the frequency, the duration, etc.  It also has requirements for diet and exercise.  Toys, games, activities. He's the dominant.  She's the submissive.  His rules prohibit anything that could be "too intimate" or which might lead to her (or him) falling in love like sleeping together after sex, sharing overly personal information, caressing or touching in a gentle way, romantic kissing.  He wants to f*ck her brains out but doesn't want to commit his heart.  She is intrigued by him and before she even signs his contract, they sleep together, kiss and caress, which shows me that he's all talk.  It takes the author three books to get to this point and I won't ruin it for those who haven't read the books, but let me say that I could have gotten it done in one book.  I think the author should have stopped at book 1 and left it what it was supposed to be -- a book about wants, needs and desires and a couple's ability to compromise so that each person is satisfied and happy in the relationship.  It doesn't have to be 100% of one extreme.  I liked the sex part of the book.  I like erotica.  I even like soft porn.  I could see me doing many of the things the two people in the book did, with a partner whom I trusted and whom was willing to compromise.  I feel that I'm more of a dominant than a submissive, but there's a part of me that would like to be taken care of, catered to, etc.  It would be another excuse to give up control.  "It's his turn to call the shots," I'd tell myself, while secretly hoping to be tied to the bed and thoroughly satisfied. Probably too much information.  But there it is.  I'm not a prude.  With the right person, I'd do things. I have a lot of making up to do. I'm not nearly as sexually adventurous and experienced as I lead people to believe, but in my head, I am. :)  I'll let your imagination fill in the rest of the blanks.

The book has made me think a lot about control.  Especially self control. 

My life has been teetering on the edge of spiraling out of control for months.  I've been walking around in this haze, feeling overwhelmed, wondering where to even begin to get back on track.  It seems that once I start to lose control of one area of my life, all of the others quickly follow until I come crashing down and have to rebuild and start over.  It's self-sabotage.  It's frustrating.  It's scary. I feel inadequate.

It started with losing my part time job in December.  Sort of.  In all reality, my spiral began sooner.  I had a part time job all summer and fall, bringing in an extra $300-$600 a month, gross income.  I would spend the money as soon as I had it.  Gifts for friends, treats for new hires, surprises for friends, stuff for me, stuff for Abby, donations at work, cleaning lady once a month, deli foods instead of cooking for myself, drinks, eating out, a social life...  Good times.  Then, I lost the part time job.  I assumed I'd find another right away.  I didn't.  So, I started to use credit cards to maintain the lifestyle I had created for myself.  Dangerous, dangerous game to play.  

Then, I lost control of my heart.  I started to feel things for Mr. Tingles.  My focus was skewed.  I didn't want to worry about money now.  I wanted to worry about him and why he didn't care for me the way I cared for him.  Time and energy I should have been putting into saving money, making money, reducing spending, I shifted to him.  Sending mental energy to him.  Concentrating on him.  Thinking of things I could do to impress him.  It wasn't working.  So, then my diet and exercise fell to the wayside.  I stopped going to the gym.  I started to pick up bad eating habits again.   So, basically, my entire life was a steaming heap of poop and it was all my fault.  All because I lost control.  Control I work so hard to keep.

However, after writing my blog last week giving myself permission to let go of the romantic pursuit of my male friend and focus on friendship (which I'm really really good at), all of the pressure in that department is gone.  Poof! We had a really good week.  We joked, teased, talked and supported each other. He told funny stories about me and engaged me in banter.  We talked about non-work stuff and I actually felt like I was getting to know him for the first time. We had a comfort level that I haven't felt in awhile.  I wasn't comparing myself to other women he talked to, wondering if he would rather be talking to them than to me.  We were a good team.  I felt like his friend for the first time in a long time.  Now, I won't lie and say the tingles are 100% gone.  I worked hard to keep a poker face if he came close and had to get up and move away from him when the hair on my arms would stand up if he got too close.  But, baby steps, right? I hope it wasn't a temporary thing.  I want to know more about him and truly be his friend.  I can do friendship.  I rock at friendship.  The big ta-dah moment will be when he wants to do something with me outside of the situation we're currently in.  A movie, bowling, or some other activity.  Something where we can just hang out and be ourselves, with no pressure of anything more. I don't have the courage to ask him myself since he's turned me down so many times, so it'll have to be him who does the asking.

I've slept better this week without worrying about where I stand with him.

Now, to get back control of everything else.

I start training for a part time work at home project tomorrow (Sunday) night.  Training will be every night for two weeks.  Then, once the project starts, I'll have to work 15 hours a week.  I don't get paid for training until I complete 50 hours of work on the project.  So, it's going to be a good 6-8 weeks before I see any return on this new project.  I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch.  Projects have a habit of falling through at the last minute.  I'm also not looking forward to not having any weekends free for awhile.  My "schedule" for this new project is 6p-9p Friday, 9am - 2 pm Saturday, 1p-5p Sunday and 6p - 9p Monday once I'm done with training.  15 hours over 4 days. Can we say "no life"?  **Update**  May 6 - just discovered that the schedule is even tighter than I thought.  I have to get in 15 "billable" hours, not just 15 "scheduled" hours - meaning that if I log in for 3 hours on Friday night but only get enough work for 1 hour, I just "gave" them 2 hours of my life and still need to come up with a grand total of 15 hours by the end of business on Monday.  If I don't hit goal, I get in trouble and possibly risk getting kicked off of the project before I even reach my 50 hours to get paid for training.  So, why even show up for training?  ACK!  I really wish I had paid more attention to the work schedule.  I was just so excited to have a job again.

So, I'm still looking for some other source of part time work.  I placed ads on www.fiverr.com for random, silly gigs, but haven't made anything.  I have a profile on LivePerson for writing but have only had two jobs to date and haven't made enough to get paid.  I installed ads into my blog but they aren't generating much income. I've been looking at craigslist and the help wanted ads for something I can do during my free time.  I've also asked at the local grocery stores but they want people with more availability than I have. It's scary and frustrating. I've almost run out of money in my savings account.  All of my credit cards are maxxed out.  I had to cash in all of my loose change in my piggybank to pay for last Friday's night of debauchery. 

A friend joined my gym so that we could help each other and support each other, but that hasn't been working out too well.  Plus, a couple of weeks ago, I started to experience pain and weakness in my left hip joint, where the pelvis meets the leg (my "ball and socket" as I affectionately call it).  I'll be walking and it'll just pop out of place.  It hurts like crazy.  When I use the elliptical or exercise bike at the gym, it pops and then I can't move my leg.  It's like it is randomly dislocating itself.  I feel like someone's 90 year old grandmother.

I've spent a good portion of today trying to do a massive purge and reorganization in my apartment.  I'm cleaning out the cupboards, freezer and fridge.  I'm getting rid of foods that are expired and/or unhealthy.  I need to stop buying more food until I use everything I have.  One of my bad habits is that I will make several trips to the grocery store in one week to "pick up something" and end up spending $25-30 in one pop.  Deli foods are a major budget breaker.  I don't feel like cooking -- so I buy a chicken.  I don't feel like cutting up fruit for lunch, so I buy the pre-cut stuff.  I make bad choices.  It's like I test myself to see how much I can endure before I give up.

I've had some dark thoughts lately.  Like seriously dark thoughts about what happens if I run out of money before I can generate more money.  Do I file bankruptcy? Who will help me out? Will I lose my apartment? Where will I live? Will I have to give up Abby?  Do I just give up altogether and remove myself from the equation altogether since I'm the one who keeps messing everything up?  I feel alone.

I'm trying to be optimistic.  I am.  I hope that turning things around with Mr. Tingles, starting training on the new project and the massive apartment overhaul will help me regain perspective.

I've cut up all of my credit cards.  From here on out, it's cash or I don't buy it.  It's going to be rough for awhile.  I'm not going to be very popular with people who enjoy spending my money and doing things with me that involve dropping large sums of cash on alcohol and food.  It's back to matinee movies, rental nights, home-made pizza, walks on the beach, free activities, and coupon clipping.  

I did it once before.  I can do it again.

I just need some small sign that it's worth it -- that it will work out.

And a hug.  I could really really use a hug.

And a winning lottery ticket.