I'd go beyond our fighting borders
If you needed that from me
I'd march with decorated soldiers
To get your pretty eyes to see
Well, I would bring your morning coffee
Then I'd wrap you up in me
I'd kiss your belly and your shoulders
Cover blankets on our feet
So slow down
There's some kind of blessing here
But you have missed your cue
So keep your eyes set on the horizon
On the line where blue meets blue
And I would let that silver lining
Where I know it'd find you soon
'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you
But my messages don't seem to make it through
If you needed that from me
I'd march with decorated soldiers
To get your pretty eyes to see
Well, I would bring your morning coffee
Then I'd wrap you up in me
I'd kiss your belly and your shoulders
Cover blankets on our feet
So slow down
There's some kind of blessing here
But you have missed your cue
So keep your eyes set on the horizon
On the line where blue meets blue
And I would let that silver lining
Where I know it'd find you soon
'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you
But my messages don't seem to make it through
A friend of mine states that dreams help you heal... help you make decisions that you may not feel comfortable making in the daylight. I'm a believer that our dreams guide us. Walt Disney said that dreams are wishes our hearts make. I'll take it a step further and add that they are also the answers we seek, the problems we are trying solve and the lifestyles we want to live.
I've always been a dreamer. Even when I was a kid. I would always wake up and say, "Oh, I had a dream about...." and my mom would say, "Don't tell your dream before breakfast." It was some old wives' tale or superstition about bad dreams coming true and good dreams not coming true if you told them before breakfast. So, now whenever I have a dream I want to tell someone, I make sure I eat something before I tell it.
I've been having a series of dreams involving the same people and similar issues. All are matters of the heart and all deal with me having to make a decision of some sort.
I was awake early this morning. Before 8:00. Of course, I was in bed last night by 11:30, so I'm sure that had something to do with it.
I putzed around the house for a bit this morning and then took a nap at noon. I slept with Abby for two hours. I am fairly certain that I was probably a cat in another life. I love sleeping. Abby loves sleeping. She loves it when I look at her and say, "Mommy wants to go to bed bed." She runs to my bedroom. Cats can be taught to understand some English. She knows "bed bed" and "food food". Oh, and "bird".
I had another work-related dream.
In my dream, it was my last day at work, by my choice. I get the feeling I had gotten
a better job some place else and didn't want to give two weeks' notice
so I was just going to work right up til the last moment and not come
back. This was that "last moment".
It was a little before 3:00 in my dream and I wrote a male friend this email telling him that I loved him as a friend and thought he had potential and that it was heartbreaking that whomever hurt him prevented him from taking a leap with me as a friend outside of work. Told him I enjoyed working with him and the strong connection we had and how I've never had such a strong connection with anyone, male or female, before. Said that I would have told him sooner that I was leaving but I'm not good with goodbyes and I didn't want him to see me cry. Told him he knew how to find me when he decided he wanted me in his life (no "if"). Told him where I was going and that they had openings he qualified for, too. I added a few more compliments and words of encouragement, as if to prove to him that he had worth in my life and that I had worth in his life.
It was a little before 3:00 in my dream and I wrote a male friend this email telling him that I loved him as a friend and thought he had potential and that it was heartbreaking that whomever hurt him prevented him from taking a leap with me as a friend outside of work. Told him I enjoyed working with him and the strong connection we had and how I've never had such a strong connection with anyone, male or female, before. Said that I would have told him sooner that I was leaving but I'm not good with goodbyes and I didn't want him to see me cry. Told him he knew how to find me when he decided he wanted me in his life (no "if"). Told him where I was going and that they had openings he qualified for, too. I added a few more compliments and words of encouragement, as if to prove to him that he had worth in my life and that I had worth in his life.
I felt a little sad and yet a little relieved when I was done composing the email. I was hopeful that he'd want to get together and be friends once I was gone, but there was this part of me that felt that he just wasn't ready to leave his comfort zone and for whatever reason, I felt that I scared him.... that he didn't quite believe that I was for real -- that I could be so nice, so smart, etc. I kept hearing that going through my head - as if I were chaneling his thoughts. The reason why he hadn't taken our friendship out of the workplace was that he had been hurt or burned by people in the past who seemed too good to be true and he was just waiting for my true colors to surface so he could say I was like everyone else. I wanted to prove him wrong, wanted him to sit down and talk to my other friends who know me and who could assure him that I really am who I am, and that it's just not in me to purposely hurt and/or use someone. I didn't write these things. These were the thoughts I had as I re-read the email before hitting send. Part of me wanted to add them but was afraid he wasn't ready for so much honesty from me.
I hit send, gathered
my personal belongings and headed for the door, planning on leaving
before anyone noticed. It was 3:15. I figured I was safe because it was not a break time and my male friend was supposed to be working and I didn't think I'd run into him.
As I was heading towards the door, my dept manager stopped me and said there was an important meeting I needed to attend and he was sorry for the last minute announcement and asked if I could please go to the conference room. I contemplated saying "Oh, I just quit" and making a dash for it but he intimidates me. So, I went into the room with my stuff (my purse, my lunch bag, my potted plant) and took a seat near the door.
The room filled up with people and lo and behold, my male friend is one of the people. He takes a seat in the back of the room, directly in my line of vision. He is glaring at me, so I know he got the email.
I kept squirming and looking out the window, down at the table, etc I did not want to make eye contact.
The meeting started and it was about some lawsuit we had to research, which was odd because we don't deal with lawsuits. The manager was droning on about the details. I could feel my friend just staring at me. I looked up and he crooked an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. Looked away. I looked at him again and he made his eyes huge and quizzical. I looked down. This went on for awhile. I'd look at him, he'd try to talk to me through his eyes, I'd look away. I could imagine his thoughts and questions and a huge "What the f*ck?" kept cycling. He was confused. Hurt even.
Finally, I couldn't take it any more and jumped up and said I had to go and grabbed my things and left.
I headed to my car but when I got to my car, I couldn't find my car keys. I went back inside to ask security if they had seen my keys and my male friend came out into the lobby, holding them.
He told me I had dropped them in my rush to leave and told me he wasn't letting me leave. I told him I couldn't stay. He said that he needed me there. I told him I didn't belong there. He told me I belonged. I said that I wished what he said was true but it was too late, I had already scheduled my resignation email to go out at 5:00. It was 4:45.
He told me it was never too late - for anyone. I knew he meant more than my resignation. I just stood there looking at him, trying to decide what I wanted to do.
Then, I woke up.
As I was heading towards the door, my dept manager stopped me and said there was an important meeting I needed to attend and he was sorry for the last minute announcement and asked if I could please go to the conference room. I contemplated saying "Oh, I just quit" and making a dash for it but he intimidates me. So, I went into the room with my stuff (my purse, my lunch bag, my potted plant) and took a seat near the door.
The room filled up with people and lo and behold, my male friend is one of the people. He takes a seat in the back of the room, directly in my line of vision. He is glaring at me, so I know he got the email.
I kept squirming and looking out the window, down at the table, etc I did not want to make eye contact.
The meeting started and it was about some lawsuit we had to research, which was odd because we don't deal with lawsuits. The manager was droning on about the details. I could feel my friend just staring at me. I looked up and he crooked an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. Looked away. I looked at him again and he made his eyes huge and quizzical. I looked down. This went on for awhile. I'd look at him, he'd try to talk to me through his eyes, I'd look away. I could imagine his thoughts and questions and a huge "What the f*ck?" kept cycling. He was confused. Hurt even.
Finally, I couldn't take it any more and jumped up and said I had to go and grabbed my things and left.
I headed to my car but when I got to my car, I couldn't find my car keys. I went back inside to ask security if they had seen my keys and my male friend came out into the lobby, holding them.
He told me I had dropped them in my rush to leave and told me he wasn't letting me leave. I told him I couldn't stay. He said that he needed me there. I told him I didn't belong there. He told me I belonged. I said that I wished what he said was true but it was too late, I had already scheduled my resignation email to go out at 5:00. It was 4:45.
He told me it was never too late - for anyone. I knew he meant more than my resignation. I just stood there looking at him, trying to decide what I wanted to do.
Then, I woke up.
This past week, a male friend did something that showed me that he could walk away from me in a heartbeat, without looking back, without any emotional or sentimental attachment. It hurt. A lot. I realized I have invested a lot of myself in him. But that's how I am. When I care about people, I jump in 200%. I always just assume that everyone else is the same way.
I guess the big thing in this dream is that I want to be wanted. I want to know that if I left tomorrow that someone would want me to stay, would miss me, would fight for me. (Not just him, but others as well.)
I've been trying to make new friends but one by one, they have not been what I need in life or want in life. We struggle to make small talk or just don't have enough in common to make it past the first few friendly outings.
I've been trying to make new friends but one by one, they have not been what I need in life or want in life. We struggle to make small talk or just don't have enough in common to make it past the first few friendly outings.
This past week, I had a new hire who decided he wanted to be my life coach.
For whatever reason, he decided that my life is lacking several key ingredients.
The more I insisted that I was fine with things the way they are, the more he wanted to help me.
Had it been my male friend above, I would have been flattered that he cared so much and knew me so well. However, this was a virtual stranger, someone I hadn't told much about my life and someone I wasn't entirely sure had my best interests in mind.
First, he started with finding me a husband. I told him I wasn't looking for anyone. I told him I wasn't even trying to date anyone right now. I shared a small snippet of some of my dating horror stories and shared with him that I am just not ready to plunge headfirst into any sort of relationship right now. (This is the truth -- if getting too close to a male friend is painful, I can't even imagine opening my heart 100% to someone who has the power to rip it to shreds and hand it back to me.) He (the new hire) didn't believe me. He said that everyone was looking for someone, even if they say they aren't. He tossed out all sorts of suggestions which I kept saying no to. We even got to the point where he was going to pimp me out to men in his native country. I kept laughing him off and telling him I wasn't interested. I told him when the time is right, it'll happen. He argued that if I don't meet people, then there won't be anyone to make it happen with. I told him I had other things to take care of right now and once I have those things in order, then I'll put myself back out there. He kept pushing all week with this. Asking me what I wanted in a man, why I was so cautious, why I didn't take more risks... and I just kept laughing him off. Changing the subject. He is recently married and thinks everyone should be married. I told him I'm not entirely sure marriage is for me. He did not believe me. He said I'm just saying this because it's easier than admitting I do want it.
Then, it was a house. He said I needed to put down roots. Buy a house. Make it my home. Stop renting. Start investing. Again, I told him I'm not ready. Most people have a "dream house" in their heads. I don't. I never lived in a house growing up and aside from super expensive beach houses that only lottery winnings could buy me, I haven't put much thought recently into my dream home. When I was a kid, I would take graph paper and create elaborate floor plans of the dream house. At one point, I was really into Victorian houses. Another, I was into cottage style homes. Modern. Old-fashioned. One level. Multi level. I change my mind often. Stucco? Brick? Wood? Too many decisions. Too much responsibility. I explained to him that I like that if an appliance breaks, I call a rental office. If I own a house and appliance breaks, I have to foot the bill for repairs. I don't have to buy lawn mowers and snow shovels. I don't have to worry about storm proofing and wiring. I can leave whenever I want, within reason. I'm not tied to a mortgage for 30 years in an economy where I might not be able to re-sell the house later. He was not convinced. He even went as far as asking me to run my numbers through a mortgage calculator to see how much house I could afford. With my current income and debt to income ratio, I would only qualify for $100,000. Now, in some areas, that would buy quite a bit of house and land. Not here. Not at all. I think that was an eye opener for him. So, his solution is that I need to find someone to marry who has a better DTI and the same or more income so that we can afford twice as much house. He even suggested that I look outside of Virginia Beach, into some the neighboring "farm like" communities. I humored him and looked at some houses on the internet Thursday night but nothing jumped out at me. I tried to explain to him that my credit is shot, my savings are gone and my finances suck right now. Until I take care of that, I cannot focus on a husband or home.
Then, that opened the door for financial advice. When we finished with that, he moved on to fitness. Then, spirituality.
By the end of the week, I was absolutely exhausted. I was happy to see him go. While amusing and great for lunch-time conversation, he wore me out. Made me question things. I'm not ready to question things. I want some peace.
On Friday, he hit with me the following "riddle" to see what kind of problem solving skills I had and where my priorities lie.
"You are driving a small two seat car. It's late, dark and rainy. You drive into the forest and there are three people standing in the middle of the road who need your help. One is a man/woman who saved your life at one point. One is a pregnant woman who may be ready to give birth. One is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. Who do you help?"
I asked him if I could come up with an unrealistic solution - like having everyone hold on to the car roof - and he said no.
He gave me 10 minutes to think about it.
My solution: I'd give the car to the person who saved my life and ask that he/she take the pregnant woman to wherever she needed to go, then I'd stay in the forest with my soul mate and he and I would find our own way out of the woods together. I figured it would give us some nice alone time plus see how well we cope with situations like that.
He said I was someone who could think outside the box, who was creative and who was a romantic. I just laughed.
He also said it meant I wanted someone to help me with my problems.
Hmmm...... considering I've already written about that (and he doesn't have access to my blogs), I'd say he's a pretty smart one. Right on the nose.
His message made it through.
No comments:
Post a Comment