Relax, Don't Do It

Relax don't do it
When you want to to go to it
Relax don't do it
When you want to come
Relax don't do it
When you want to suck to it
Relax don't do it
When you want to come
Come-oh oh oh

But shoot it in the right direction
Make making it your intention-ooh yeah
Live those dreams
Scheme those schemes
Got to hit me
Hit me
Hit me with those laser beams 

Yes, yes, I realize this song is about orgasm.  Or allegedly about orgasm.  It is appropriate for a blog about taking time out for oneself.  In some ways, this past weekend, I had a life orgasm.

I've been running on fumes for a few months now.  Stressed out about everything and everyone. (No? Really?) Those who know and love me have been sort of tip-toeing around me wondering if I'm going to implode at any point.  I try to stay fairly even keeled.  I try to not let things impact me.  I have seen what stress does to me and I have the Ativan prescription on retainer at Rite Aid to prove it. I've been trying so hard to not let things get to me. Trying being the operative word.

However, with my life, it seems that once one thing goes bad, everything follows.  I already blogged about that.  You can go read the "control" blog or "just a friend" blog or whatever other blog out there that references this.  I think you could probably go back a couple of months to the "everything happens for a reason" blog. I also believe firmly that as much as I am responsible for my own sh*tty circumstances, I am also responsible for for turning it around.  I'd love to think that there's a magical fairy out there, flying around, looking for my apartment, waiting to sprinkle magic dust (the legal kind) on my head and make all of my problems go away.   I know that I have to be my own magical fairy.  

I scheduled a four day weekend for this month way back in January.

Originally, I thought I'd be moving this weekend.  My lease was up and I was planning on finding a new place here in VB.  Unfortunately, the cost to move would have equalled any savings in rent in the long term so I decided to stay put.  In my next life, I will have an army of trustworthy able and willing men and women who will pitch in to help me move so that I don't have to pay people.  Ever notice no one ever really wants to jump at that? 

Then, I decided I was going to go out of town for the weekend.  Some place.  Any place.  Some place that wasn't here.  I initially thought about Myrtle Beach but didn't want to spend 7 hours in a car, by myself, each way.  Then, I decided on Ocean City, MD, but then a potential part time job interfered with that.  And the fact that I didn't have the money.  And the fact that it meant dealing with the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel all alone.  I do not like bridges.  Especially long bridges that are connected to tunnels.  In my next life, in addition to having friends who will gladly help me move, I will also have friends who want to be travel companions and who are not afraid of bridges.  Or sharing a motel room with me.

The part time job ended up being a conflict of interest and I quit it after one day of training.

So, that left me with four days off.  Back to back.  What to do?  What to do?  

I could have wallowed in self-imposed depression and contemplated life, but I've been doing far too much of that lately. TOO MUCH.  TOOOOOO MUCH.  All I do is think.  Worry.  I've chewed all of my fingernails down to nothing from worrying about life.

I decided that I was going to take 4 days to do whatever the heck I wanted to do, within reason.  I would have liked to have had sex.  But that wasn't a possibility.  (Just checking to see if you are reading.)

On Thursday night, I kicked the weekend off with a haircut.  Just walked into the local SuperCuts with a 50% off coupon and said "Surprise me!".  I like what they did.  I may be more spontaneous in the future.

On Friday, I set the alarm for 6:00 just so I could have the pleasure of turning it off and going back to bed.  Every morning, that blasted thing goes off and I groan and lie in bed, smacking the snooze every 9 minutes, until I finally haul my butt out of bed at 6:30.  Luckily, I shower the night before and have everything ready clothing-wise, so all I have to do is freshen up and hit the road.  Every morning, I have to give myself a pep talk to get myself going.  "Today is going to be a good day.  Today, you will smile at everyone.  Today, you will not let anyone bring you down.  Today, you will sparkle and shine.  Today, you will be open and giving and caring and tolerant. Today, you will have a good day with Mr. Tingles."  Each day, the list gets a little longer.  

On Friday, I went back to bed and slept until 9:00.  LOVED IT.  Had an odd dream about a co-worker, a picnic blanket, a female stalker and Jason Biggs from AMERICAN PIE.  Very odd.  Nothing sexual.  Just odd.  I didn't get dressed until after 10.  I took pleasure in texting a friend and gloating over the fact that I didn't get dressed until after 10.  Then, I did some labwork for a doctor's appointment and headed to the beach.  Tried to get a friend to play hooky and join me.  I parked in a parking garage and sat on a bench by this huge statue of King Neptune.  Tourists love love love that thing.  So, I volunteered to take photos of couples who were trying to figure out how to get themselves AND the mighty one in the picture.  It was fun.  I love talking to strangers and people watching.  I decided I wasn't going to be "local" Bev.  I decided I was going to be "Ohio Bev" again.  I got to pretend like I was seeing it all for the first time.  I even took pictures with the King.

Then, I engaged a friend in some texting, mostly rubbing in that I was there and he was at work.  That's what friends do, right?  Remind each other of what they could be doing but aren't?  :)  Then, I walked to the water, stuck my toes in the cold water, dug my toes into the sand and then sat and people watched some more.  Watched some pale chubby guys in long shorts play cornhole.  Tried to explain to a non-native English speaking person what cornhole was without breaking into Beavis and Butthead.  "I am Cornholio..."

Then, I walked a few blocks south on the boardwalk to the Dairy Queen near the Holiday Inn I always stayed in as a tourist.  I was tickled to see that the ice cream was still the same price as when I was a tourist.  Ate a cone, did some more people watching, listened to my MP3 player.  Smiled a lot. Remembered why I moved here and why I love the beach so much.  It's like a different world.  I love the sound of the waves.  I love watching the foam form on the sand from the waves.  I liked imagining that I live in a little hut on the beach.  I walked some more, sat in the sun some more, made up fantasies in my head about my perfect little post-lottery win life where I live on a beach year-round, wearing loose clothing, bare feet and coconut scented sunscreen.  Maybe a big floppy hat.  And I have a cabana boy.  Gotta have a cabana boy.

I spent four glorious hours there.  Then, I stopped at Jody's Popcorn and bought a candy apple, bottle of water and sampled some kettle corn.  I was still "Bev from Ohio".   I spent a grand total of $15 for the entire day of fun.  MUCH cheaper than going to another city.

I came home, took a nap, watched some television, and went to bed.  I was "Bev from Virginia".  I had an odd dream about another co-worker.  Not sexual, but slightly intimate.  Kind of unsettling in a weirdly pleasant way.  Unfinished.  It had no beginning and no real end.  The bright spot in the dream was that my butt looked good in spandex biker shorts and I owned a pink beach cruiser bike.

On Saturday, I woke up early and decided that I was going to have another day of whatever the heck I wanted.  Met with a debt consolidation loan place that practically wanted my left lung and right kidney to give me a personal loan.  Said thanks but no thanks. The only fly in the ointment was that as I was leaving the house, a co-worker texted me with some news that was good news for someone else but actually ended up being bad news for me because it meant that I was going to be putting in some long hours over the next few weeks.  When you already don't exactly love your job, realizing you may have to put in longer hours doesn't exactly make you jump for joy.  

I went to the new CVS store and got a bounty of items for FREE.  I was so excited.  I got coupons in the mail for free soda, free aspirin, free dish detergent, a free $5 gift card, and a free store-brand item.  I love a good bargain.  I then went to the Farmer's Market, then stopped at the Fresh Market to say hi to a friend I haven't seen in awhile who does wine-tastings there. Asked him to keep an ear out for part time jobs. Tasted some wine. I checked my mail at the UPS store and then came home. I cleaned the apartment and did laundry and noticed that it was kind of stale and humid.

The AC died again.  AGAIN.  Seriously?  I called in a ticket to the rental office, took a nap, watched some television, screwed around on the computer and then went to bed.

On Sunday, hmmmm.... Sunday.  I slept late.  Very late.  Mostly because I had trouble sleeping the night before because my pillow was hot.  I'm very cranky if my pillow gets hot.  If I ever land a guy, I hope to heck he likes cold pillows and cool sheets.  I think that would be a deal breaker.  I'll deal with snoring.  Personal furnace?  Not so much.

I read the paper, watched some television, and then had a mini-breakdown about work.  Cried a lot.  Wished I had someone to help me.  Wished I had a an option of not having to "suck it up" and move on.  I contemplated withdrawing all of my money out of my small savings account and buying $20 scratchers in hopes that one of them would be enough to just quit my job.  Vented to a couple of friends via text and email.  I was grumpy and morose.  I only compounded matters by watching The Notebook, The Time Traveler's Wife and A Walk to Remember.  Back to back.  I used an entire box of kleenex and then cried myself to sleep.  Oh, and did I mention I'm hormonal too?  (shaking head)   It was a rough Sunday.  I must have posted and changed a gazillion Facebook statuses as I was falling asleep asking for help, begging for help, wanting someone to take me in their arms and tell me that things will work out and that I can bounce back from all of this stuff going on with my budget, my friendships that seem to be dying and the extra duties at work.  And no love life to speak of.  Not that it matters.  I don't think I could even focus on a man right now.

Now, it's Monday night.  I slept in this morning.  I was just getting ready to hop into the shower this morning when the maintenance man showed up to fix the AC.  I was in the kitchen, getting ready to strip down to my birthday suit and toss my nightgown and underwear into the washing machine so that I could then dash naked to the bathroom and shower (it's called efficiency.  I strip down every night in the laundry room so that I can just bypass a dirty clothing hamper all together.) and then get changed in there for an appointment I had at 1:00.  Luckily, he knocked.  Fortunately, I had the deadbolt on.  Otherwise, the nice elderly maintenance man may have seen more of me than he ever expected.  But... if it meant getting quicker service the next time the AC dies, I probably would have considered the whole nude thing.  Heck, I'd maybe even let him help with the loofah.  Sorry.  I told you, this weekend would have been better if sex were involved.  Damn hormones. (Just making sure I didn't lose you.)

The maintenance man told me that he had a feeling my AC would die again.  He said that last week when he replaced the compressor, he noticed that some connectors (??) were rusty and would probably be a problem.  I asked him why he even used it if he knew it was bad and he said he was hopeful it would just work.  Nice.  He tinkered around for awhile and within an hour, I had AC again.  YEAH!!!  I took my shower and went to my 1:00 appointment.

I got home around 3:00 and have been sort of putzing around the apartment, trying to find a gazillion and one things to keep me distracted and to help me not feel depressed about going back to work tomorrow.  I even bought a scratch off ticket at the 7-11 hoping for a last minute win.  I bargained with myself that even if it was as low as $20,000, I would still quit.  I figured the money would tide me over until I found something else.  

Then, I shook it off and here I am.  Resolute.  I guess that's the only word I can use.  I can't do anything about my situation at work.  There's no use in complaining because no one is going to care.  No one is going to fix things or make it easier for me.  I'm a robot.  I just do it. (to quote Pretty Woman)  I do it well.  I seem unflappable.  Inside, I'm flapped but outside, I do it, do it, do it.  Responsible.  Dedicated.  Hard working.

It doesn't matter that I really want a hug, fluffy pillow (a cool one) and someone else to do the worrying for once.

I am ... my own superhero.  I have to be.