Boyfriend

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go

Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don't
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don't never wanna fight yeah, you already know
Imma make you shine bright like you're laying in the snow

Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind 

Yes, I quoted Justin Bieber.  No, the world is not ending.  Yet.

This is blog # 2 for the day.  # 3 for the weekend.  Jump in and read 'em all.

On Friday afternoon, I was chatting with some of the new hires, winding down with them after a stressful week, helping them decompress a little before they went their ways for the weekend.

One of them asked me if I was single.  I hate that question.  I always feel like I need to justify why I have no one in my life.  I said that yes, I was single.  No, I'm not looking.  Then, she asked why I was single.  I am always flattered when someone seems shocked I'm still single.

I let the eHarmony ad run its course.  No takers. Closed my account.  They send me emails from time to time inviting me back.  Um, no thanks.  I still have an ad on Zoosk and have gotten a few bizarre emails and messages but when I wrote back, they never did.  I have a feeling they were "net casting" emails.  Meaning the men sent a general message to a lot of different women seeing who responds and then tosses back the ones that they don't want to keep.  I think I probably got tossed back.   Or maybe they weren't real to begin with.  I think Zoosk probably generates messages to try to get you to buy a membership.  I'm too cheap to pay for something I don't have faith in.

The truth is - I have no desire to date.  I hate dating.  I suck at dating.  I've mentioned this before and I'm not going to rehash it.  However, I realize that if I want to stop being single, I need to date.  My soul mate, or a reasonable facsimile, isn't just going to show up on my doorstep with a bouquet of gerbera daisies, a mixed tape of Jason Mraz/Colbie Caillat/Jack Johnson love songs and home-made lemon bars and declare his love for me.  I may joke about believing in unicorns and glitter, but I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort to find romance.  I don't have the desire to do it.  I am not actively looking for romance.  Or a boyfriend.  I'm kind of ... disinterested ... in men at the moment.

I don't like the whole "pretense" thing that comes with dating.  The whole false advertising that we're both required to do until we feel comfortable enough with each other to stop using facades.  The slimming underwear, the tanning bed, the perfectly coiffed hair...  The witty stories and interesting activities. Best behavior all the way.

I hate getting my hopes up.  I enjoy the infatuation and getting to know you stage that comes with dating.  I hate the inevitable lull where reality sinks in and we start to notice each others' quirks and habits... in a bad way.  He drums his fingers.  I talk with my hands.  He cracks his knuckles.  I pop my gum.  He cusses at people in traffic.  I stop short when I brake the car.  The rosy glow of romance turns into the hazy grayness of "you're just like..." and everything comes to a screeching halt.

So, I've been bouncing around this thing in my head for a couple of months now.  It's called the Saturday Night/Sunday Morning boyfriend.

I'm not talking about a FWB, a friend with benefits.  I want some sort of commitment.  I want the "L" word ("Love" not "Lesbian").  I want passion, flirting, desire and lust.  I want the private jokes and private smiles.  I want texting, sexting, and phone sex.  I don't want some guy who just happens to be in my life ease into some hookup that leads to him staying over on Saturday nights.  I want a boyfriend.  Not friend who is a boy.  I want him to be thinking of me (and vice versa) Monday - Friday and eventually hope to have some sort of "happily ever after" with me.  I'm not so sure I'm cut out for marriage but I want to know I'm not the second choice until something better comes along.  I'm open to a male friend becoming a boyfriend but I don't want the "too comfortable" friends with benefits thing where there is no real commitment and no real passion.  That is kind of lazy.  And confusing.  Someone is always more invested in that situation and because it is so vague and commitment-less, it isn't for me. I'm usually the one who falls in love and he's the one who moves on to someone else. I'm all about definitions and knowing where things are going.  The "comfortable" thing can come when we're old and gray.  I'm a woman -- not a pair of comfy socks.

I think of Jason Mraz's song "If It Kills Me". It's about a man who is friends with a woman and he is in love with her and hopes she can figure this out by his actions. He hopes he gives himself away so that she can finally see what he feels.  We've all been there. I've been there.  There's a video on YouTube of Jason performing this live. In his introduction, he talks about male-female friendships/flirtationships.  He mocks the whole thing and he says, "I can hear you. I can smell you.  I can see you.  I just can't touch or taste you. Three out of five ain't bad." 

Been there.  Done that.  Can't do it again.  I know, I watch WHEN HARRY MET SALLY.  It worked for them.  I don't think it works for me anymore.  I need open heart and open eyes.  I need to know right off the bat if we're going to be friends forever who just pussyfoot around feelings or we're going to get stinking drunk some night and move on to the next step because the friendship thing was just a safety net ruse to get to know each other without scaring each other off by using the "R" word ("Romance").

I digress.

So, to my SN/SM boyfriend.  Right now, I'm in a bit of transition.  I am not at my best seven days a week right now.  So, it's not fair to unload that on someone who loves me.  I know, I know -- if he loves me, he should want me good and bad.  I don't want me good and bad.  I'm not going to do that to some poor guy.  So, right now, what works for me is to have someone who shows up around 6:00 on Saturday night (or who invites me over).  We have dinner.  We take turns cooking. We watch television, rent a movie, play a game, do some sort of activity together.  Maybe we go out.  Maybe we have friends over.  Something.  A "date". Then, we spend the night together.  Yes, sex.  Lots of sex.  Hot and sweaty, up against the wall, in the shower, on the floor, noisy uncontrollable sex.  Then, we sleep.  On Sunday morning, we sleep in, cuddle a little bit, have breakfast, maybe share the Sunday paper and then go our separate ways.  Hugs, kisses, "I Love You"s. That leaves us both plenty of alone time to do things on our own and/or with other people.  We don't get sick of each other.  We have something to look forward to. We can talk on the phone, text or email during the week.  Heck, I'd be open to an occasional weekday lunch or dinner to touch base, but we don't have to live out of each others' pockets every day.  Some day, we can add on more days and longer weekends.  Eventually, decide if we're in it for the long haul and combine CD and DVD collections and adopt a little brother or sister for Abby.  Maybe, maybe if my eggs are still viable, consider adding a human baby brother or sister to the household for Abby.  But, that's not where I am right now.  Not yet.  Maybe soon.  Maybe once I get my money situation fixed.

This past weekend would have been perfect for the SN/SM boyfriend situation.  

I'm a fairly independent person.  I can find things to amuse me and entertain me just about every night of the week.  I try to keep busy.  I have friends.  I have hobbies.  I like to read.  I like to watch television.  I'm quite satisfied with my own company.  Most days.

However, this past week, I've been kind of lonely.  Kind of needy.  I'm tired of being alone with my thoughts and worries.  I need a distraction.  I tried going to the gym.  I've tried reading.  I've tried television.  But, as soon as the silence settles in and the sun sets, I find myself wishing for things I don't have.

I really wanted to go out this weekend.  I didn't want to be alone.  I wanted to go see Goonies at Mt. Trashmore on Friday night with someone who would laugh with me and say "BABY RUTH" and "CHUNK" and daydream about moving to Oregon and looking for pirate ships and treasure.  The first time I saw the movie, I wanted to immediately move to Oregon and buy a house on the coast just like the houses the kids lived in, and watch for pirate ships in the cove.   I couldn't find anyone to go with me and I didn't want to be that creepy woman all alone at some kiddie movie.  Then, on Saturday, a local band was playing at a nearby bar and I wanted to go and listen to them.  I didn't want to go alone.  I wanted to be able to laugh and comment to someone about how good they were.  Maybe even dance with someone. (Feel the heat with someone.)  No one wanted to go.  So, I putzed around the house, went to the gym, cleaned out my purse... Bored myself to tears.

If I had the SN/SM boyfriend, my problems would have been solved.  I would have negotiated a Friday night into the mix and promised him it wouldn't be a normal occurrence.  I'd offer to make it up to him by relieving him of breakfast duty or something on Sunday.  He didn't have to spend the night Friday night.  I had things to do Saturday morning.  Then, last night, we could have gone to the bar and enjoyed the music.  Maybe danced a little.  Then, bowchickabowwow.  This morning was rainy and dreary.  Perfect morning to lie in bed and enjoy it.  Abby was even generous last night and slept in her own bed which means she wasn't walking around on my bed, head, bladder and back at 4:30 trying to wake me up so that I can turn on the water in the bathroom sink for her.  It was like having a baby sleep through the night.  I have turkey sausage and fresh eggs in the fridge so we could have had a nice home-made breakfast before he hit the road.

Sadly, there is no one in my life who can be this person.  In order to find this person, I'd have to date.  Which brings me to the beginning of the blog.  I don't like to date.

I want to walk out my door, have a Certs encounter with someone... or meet someone at work... or have a friend of a friend introduce me to someone who has an immediate interest in me... and have the romance begin.  

Someone suggested a Craigslist ad.  I tried writing one yesterday morning but no matter how I tried to finesse it, the whole thing sounded a lot like a booty call -- a desperate cry for casual sex -- and I don't do casual sex.  I don't do booty calls.  Love and sex are the same in my book.  Plus, with my luck, I'd get someone who would kill me in my sleep and I have no desire to become a made-for-tv movie.

But, it's good in theory.  I shared this theory with my new hire who wanted to know why I was single and she thought it was a genius idea.

Now, if we can find a way to make it happen.

I am accepting applications.  No credit check required.