Day Eighteen

My Molly girl gave me a scare last night. She vomitted on the carpet and then stretched on her belly, face down on the carpet and I thought for sure she had finally given up and died. She didn't move or open her eyes when I said her name and I was afraid to touch her because I didn't want to deal with the reality that she might be dead.

Then, just when I was about to do it, she opened her eyes, snorted and got up very shakily and walked out of the room.

I found her sitting in her (clean) litterbox with her eyes closed. It was like she was meditating. I picked her up and carried her to my bedroom and held her in my arms and told her that if she was ready to go, it was ok. I'd understand. I cried a little and then I let her go and she slept very close to me all night.

She's still alive but seems not quite herself. When I came home from work, she was lying on the floor by her water dish, sound asleep. Right now, she's lying half on the sofa and half off, with her head and front paws over the edge, towards the floor.

I've never loved anything as much as I love Molly.

My one thing for today is that I sat in the sun, after work, for about 20 minutes just soaking up some Vitamin D and trying to clear away the week and get in a positive frame of mind for the weekend.

Day Seventeen

I had my first therapy session today. The therapist said I need help. No shit.

Day Sixteen

I saw a status update on a co-worker's facebook page about how hard it is to say "no".

This is something I have always struggled with. People, especially employers, have taken advantage of me for years because I fear disappointing them if I say no.

I even did an "audiobook" class once by S. Covey about saying no. He stated to say, "I appreciate the offer/opportunity however at this time I will need to say no." He said to offer no excuses or explanations -- just politely thank the person for asking you to do something and then saying no.. and not wavering.

However, whenever I do this at work (which isn't often), I get cajoled. I get pouts. I get dirty looks. I get the "be a team player" speech.

It's gotten to the point that I feel like I have to get a doctor's excuse or something just to be able to say no to something that I just don't have the time to do... or isn't my responsibility.

I tried the technique today. I'm not sure if it worked. We have someone visiting from another office. He told me today that he needed to get with me asap to "pick my brain" about some procedures. He told me that yesterday and I ended up writing a procedure for him, which he then gave to his boss as his original work. So, today, I told him I had things to do and would get back to him. I avoided him all day.

Then, at the end of the day, he stopped me and said, "Hey, do you have time tomorrow before I leave to get together to go over some procedures?"

I said, "I really appreciate that you value my input but I will be in training all morning and then I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30."

He said, "Oh, maybe you can find a few moments before your doctor's appointment or on your break?"

I said, "I really don't think I'll be taking a break and I can't leave the training room."

He said, "Well, we'll talk again in the morning."

I said OK and he left.

I wanted to feel good about saying no, but I have a sinking feeling he'll still find a way to corner me in the morning.

I posted a note on my monitor that says "NMR" to remind myself that everything is "not my responsibility."

I hope it works.

Day Fifteen

I don't know why I thought I'd be able to have more "normal" hours with the "downgrade" in my position at work. I was there at 7:30 this morning, had a 15 minute lunch and didn't get to leave until 6:30. Today, at lunch, some girl was talking on her cell phone to someone and she said, "Well, if they think they can work me to death and not pay me overtime, I'm going to sue them." I wanted to give her my name and number to include me. :)

My one thing for today is that I replaced the air filter on my furnace/air conditioning unit. I've noticed that I feel more sneezy lately and whenever the AC (or heat, depending on the temperature) comes on, there's this "dusty" smell in the air. So, in an effort to have a more efficient unit and to decrease bacteria, I replaced the filter. I didn't have to pay anything for the filter -- my apartment complex gives them away -- so I took advantage of a rarely used "perk".

Still no soda. I feel like I need a group session with someone because I really want one. I've been sipping on diluted apple juice to try to stave off my cravings for the stuff. I miss the fizz, the bubbles tickling my nose, the sound as I pour it into a glass. Hmmm.... maybe I need to switch to beer. It fizzes, has bubbles and makes sounds, too.

Day Fourteen

I had a vacation day today. It felt good to sleep in on a Monday morning -- until the fire alarm went off in my apartment building, scaring the crap out of me. I was in a mad scramble to try to get dressed, find Molly, find Molly's crate, shove my favorite photo album in a tote bag, find my purse and get to the door. My heart was racing. I opened the door and there was no fire to be seen. No other neighbors rushing around. I called the rental office and they told me that they were testing the fire alarm system. I suggested that they may want to tell people that. The young lady responded, "We didn't think of it to be honest." Sheesh.

I ran some errands and then helped the economy by getting new tires on my truck. Sheesh. The words "inexpensive tires" just do not exist in reference to a SUV, even a "small" SUV. I was able to haggle a slight discount on the alignment service but not much.

Then, I decided to browse a couple of clothing stores, looking for spring bargains. I found two casual knit tops for $4.99 each. A great deal. I discovered that they were actually pyjama tops that had somehow gotten separated from their bottoms and were marked down. You can't tell they are pyjama tops. They look like regular t-shirts. In fact, I found a t-shirt in the store made of the same material and style for 4 times the discounted price of the pyjama top.

A few years back, I bought some capri pants in the sleepwear section of Target for much less than if I had bought them in the active wear section.

So, my "one thing" for today is that a little creative shopping can add to your wardrobe and save on your budget and no one will know any difference.

Days Twelve and Thirteen

I got back from Atlantic City at 6:00 this morning. I did not win any money. I did not expect to. At one point I was up over $150 on a slot machine and if I had quit, I would have brought back more money than I took, but my "daydream" of winning it big kept me hitting "Max Bet" until the money was gone.

Then, I found a place to sit and people watch for awhile.

I'm proud to say that I did not drink any soda while I was there and only had 2 alcoholic beverages. I didn't even give into the free beverage service offered while playing slots. While I did indulge a little at the salad bar, I avoided heavy carbs and only had two bites of cheesecake and chocolate ice cream. I later had a sandwich in a bar and left 95% of the bread on the plate and had water with my meal. I also did a fair bit of walking around, inside and outside, while at the casino to get in some exercise. The only thing I wish I could have controlled more was my exposure to cigarette smoke and germs because my asthma really hit hard on the bus ride home and I could feel my lungs laboring to get fresh air. I also have a sore throat and bit of congestion.

Today, I resisted the urge to order a pizza and be lazy all day. I did sleep for a few hours because I could not sleep on the bus and the few times I did doze off, the bus driver would hit some rumble strips or a pothole and jolt me awake. I was envious of those around me who fell asleep right away and slept the entire trip.

I ate food I already had today -- no new groceries added -- and continued to drink water. I also drank some orange juice to try to scare away any germs I may have picked up while out of town.

Next time I get the urge to go to AC, I think I'll take the money and spend half of what I plan to lose on high payout scratch off tickets and then put the rest into savings and call it a day. My odds are better that way.

Day Eleven

Whenever I schedule time off at work (I scheduled Monday off several weeks ago), I always feel guilty about being gone for a day and usually end up staying at work until very late the day before and try to cram in a full day's worth of work in a few hours.

Tonight, I did not do that. It felt good.

I'm not looking forward to Tuesday because I know my email will be full and no one will have done my work while I'm gone, but I am going to not think about that until Tuesday.

I leave in the early morning for Atlantic City and won't be able to log on tomorrow. I will find something great to do on Saturday and then do two days' worth of blogging on Sunday.

Cross your fingers and toes that I win enough to pay off my bills, put money in savings and quit my job. :)

Day Ten

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to soft drinks. Not coffee, not tea, not over-priced frothy foamy lattes and frappes. I'm talking about sugar-laden carbonated soda pop. I've tried many times over the years to give it up, much like a smoker trying to give up nicotine. I've tried diet sodas, like a smoker slaps on the patch. I've quit cold turkey. But, then, I tell myself "Just one small sip won't hurt" and the next thing you know, I'm standing in the beverage aisle lusting after 24 packs.

Last night, I had my last bottle of soda pop. Orange Fanta.

Today, I drank water all day.

Right now, I have a headache the size of the entire continent of Africa. I'm pretty sure it's a sugar-withdrawal headache.

I estimate that by giving up soda, I will save about $20 a month. I will also do good things for my body by drinking more water.

So, if I seem a little grumpy, please bear with me.

If I seem a little thirsty, offer me some water.

If you see me standing near the vending machine at work, lovingly caressing the images of my favorite fizzy drink, please remind me that it's for the best.

If I win the lottery, I may be tempted to hire someone to create a soda that is low in calories but doesn't taste like chemicals.

Day Nine

I no longer have to supervise people. I never thought I'd ever regret a decision I made in my life but two years ago, I accepted a position of supervisor thinking it would be fantastic opportunity -- a chance to finally get credit and recognition for all of the things I did anyway without the title. I envisioned being the best boss ever -- someone people trusted, respected, learned from and thought was the coolest person in the world.

That didn't happen. Oh, it was ok in the beginning, but as the demands of the job increased and the work ethic of people I hired declined, my management techniques became borderline "micro management", following up on everyone every day. Mainly because I didn't want to get in trouble. Mainly because people had let me down and I was held responsible for them. I was tired of doing their work and getting heat for unmet goals.

Long miserable story somewhat shorter - I've been trying to find something else to do internally. My boss wouldn't sign off on a job posting to another department which left me hurt and confused.

But, she approached me Monday with a position within my current department that relieves me of my supervisor duties.

It will be a lot of work -- I'll be training, doing procedures, managing reports and other special projects. Possibly traveling.

I'm giving it a chance and hope that the no supervising thing will reduce some of my stress.

I'm also still buying planning on winning big Saturday in Atlantic City.

Day Eight

A few years ago, I was struggling with some issues in my life and contacted the company "employee assistance" line. They set me up with 10 free counseling sessions with a therapist.

At the time, I was having issues with personal relationships, money, work and stress -- pretty much the same things I'm having issues with now.

The therapist was pretty helpful but I wasn't totally open with her. I only skimmed the surface, hoping for some major breakthrough that never really happened. Oh, there were some insightful moments -- a discovery about how my parents used money and things to keep me under their thumbs emotionally, my bad habit of being drawn to men who wanted to control and/or change me and my constant need to "shake things up" because I don't know how to cope unless there's some sort of drama. The sessions led to me eventually losing over 70 lbs, ending a toxic relationship and changing career paths at work so they weren't totally without value. I just couldn't commit to digging deeper.

Here I am, right back in the same place. Sort of. I no longer seek out men who want to control or change me. My parents have no control over me financially and I don't allow them to guilt me into visits any longer. When I do visit, I stay in a hotel and choose the length of time I want to spend with them. I'm still working on the "no more drama" thing.

So, tonight after work, I called my company's employee assistance line and sought out some help. The young lady on the other side of the phone listened patiently and then told me that she could never do my job or deal with the amount of stuff I'm dealing with and gave me the name of a therapist. She "approved" 3 free sessions. Guess my current employer is cheaper than my previous employer. I called the therapist and left a message. We'll see if I can finally conquer this need for drama in my life and maybe learn some coping techniques that do not involve large quantities of alcohol, and/or prescription medications.

If I win the mega millions tonight, I'll cancel the therapy request, quit my job and consider myself cured.

Day Seven

I have had an email account with Earthlink for over a decade. When everyone was changing over to "free" email addresses at yahoo, gmail and the likes, I stayed firm with Earthlink. They offer this program called Earthlink Mailbox which is similar to MS Outlook. I liked that I could send and receive emails and have them be stored in this nifty program for later "offline" reading and responding.

Well, a few weeks ago, I got a new computer because my "old" one was being rather pokey... and Dell had a really good offer. (Remember when computers used to cost almost the same as a small car?)

The new computer has Windows 7. The Earthlink software is not compatible with Windows 7. I tried setting up the MS Outlook program installed on my computer to download my messages but, alas, I've been unsuccessful with getting it to work.

I spent a tortuous 30 minutes chatting up a technical assistant via online the other night, trying to get him to help me figure out why it doesn't work. Bottom line, nothing he told me to do works.

So, I decided that I'm not going to pay them $20 a month for a service that doesn't work. Tonight, after work, in a fit of frustration after having my email program shutdown three times while trying to send one blinking email, I chatted up another agent and asked them if they had anything that allowed me to just use their webmail service and keep my earthlink email address. They said yes -- for $5 a month.

So I downgraded. That's $15 a month in savings. The pitfall is that I no longer have the luxury of composing emails offline. But, $15 is $15.

If you're keeping track, with the $12 a month I'm saving on cable, I now have $27 a month to put towards my goal of being in a different "place" a year from now. (A year less one week, if you want to be technical.)

I bought a lottery ticket for tomorrow's mega millions jackpot. I brought home all of my personal belongings from work in anticipation of the win and eventual spontaneous resignation from work so that I can buy a sailboat and sail the world.

Day Six

A few years ago, when I decided I wanted to move to the beach and set out to save as much money as possible to achieve that goal, one of the first things I did was put myself on a strict spending diet.

One of the things I realized about myself was that although I knew a debit card is not a credit card, I sometimes treated it that way. I'd go to the local grocery store (and when I lived in Columbus, I had three big box stores that sold everything from applesauce to zippers under one roof within 5 minutes of my apartment) with a list in hand and budget in mind and come up with a full cart and more money out of my checking account than I intended. I'd put the food in the freezer, fridge, and cupboards proud that I "stocked" up. Then, out of sight became out of mind. I'd forget about the 10 cans of soup I bought or the 5 bags of frozen veggies. The pre-cut fruits and veggies would go bad before I could use it. The bagged salad would turn into a slimy science class experiment because I forgot to buy salad dressing to go with it.

So, when I put myself on my spending diet, the first thing I did was clean out all of my cupboards, the freezer and the fridge and toss out anything bad, freezer-burnt (burned?), aged, etc and spread everything out so that I could clearly see what was there. Then I made a promise to myself that I would not buy any more of those items until they were gone and then further promised myself that the only additional items I could add were things that would turn the existing items into a recipe or meal.

To prevent impulse shopping, each pay day, I would go to a grocery store (not a big box store -- but an actual "grocery only" type store) and buy a $50 gift card. That was my weekly food allowance. When it came time to get groceries, I *only* took the gift card (and a calculator) to the grocery store with me. There's nothing more embarrassing than being at the checkout with more food than you have money and having to ask the clerk to back off items until you reach your goal. You end up weighing the worth of a bag of chips versus a container of strawberries and feeling guilty when you choose one over the other.

Today, I cleaned out my fridge, freezer and cupboards. There was a lot of crap in there that I bought during "triple coupon" frenzies thinking I'd use the items but they got buried beneath other purchases and forgotten.

Friday is pay day. I'm going to start the gift card method again for groceries. Back in Columbus, we had this store called ALDI which sold the basics you needed for a fairly inexpensive price. I really miss that store. We have something "similar" here called Bottom Dollar, but it belongs to a larger food chain and the discounts aren't as great.

However, in an attempt to free up more cash for savings and "future planning", I need to curtail my spending habits. The deli section of the local Harris Teeter knows me well because despite my fridge and freezer full of food, at the end of the day, I don't feel like cooking and it's easier to just stop there and buy something already cooked and ready for my fork and mouth. I just looked through my checkbook and realized that in the course of one week last month, I spend close to $85 on "quick trips" to the grocery store for deli meals and quick fixes. That was IN ADDITION to the $50 I had already spent on Sunday(s) getting my fruit, microwave meals and snacks for work lunches.

I did not win the powerball last night. I did, however, buy a $1 scratcher and win $5.

Day Five

When I was a kid, I got a weekly allowance from my mom. Then, on birthdays, report card days and Christmas, I'd get a little extra from my mom. From an early age, I knew the importance of saving money. My brother would spend his money as soon as he got it. I, however, would not. I had a little purple metal bank (which I still have today!!) that had a combination lock. I kept all of my money in that bank and then when I wanted something (usually a new record, cassette or romance novel), I would use my money. If I didn't have the money for something, I didn't buy it.

Over the years, my spending and saving habits have gone through various evolutions. Like many people, I've abused credit cards. Like many people, I'm not nearly where I need to be with saving money and planning for my future. I've had times when I was very successful with saving and planning and had more than enough money in savings to tide me over for a few months... and other times, like now, I have nothing but cobwebs and IOUs to myself in savings.

About a decade ago, I was watching some show on television (possibly Suze Orman) about saving money. The person was giving advice about how to "painlessly" save money. That person suggested that an individual should give him/herself an allowance each paycheck. Cash. Then, when they use the cash, they need to set aside all of the loose change and save it someplace -- a jar, a canister, a coin bank, a piggy bank. Someplace where you won't easily grab a handful of loose coins (like a dish on a table or at the bottom of your purse.) Then, the person said that once you got into the habit of saving all of your loose change, then you should move up to singles. Every time you buy something, as soon as you get home, take all of the loose change and singles and put them in a bank and forget about them. The person said to set a goal of some sort for when you will "cash in" the savings -- like right before vacation, or a special occasion.

The plan appealed to my inner child -- the young Bev who saved weeks for a new Rick Springfield album or a stack of paperback books.

So, for the past 10 years or so, I've been doing this. My "allowance" amount has changed over the years as my pay changes and as my day-to-day needs change, but it rarely exceeds $30.

Each paycheck, I withdraw my "allowance". (Right now, it's $20 because that's all I can afford.) I carry that $20 with me in my wallet and give myself permission to use that money on myself or something that doesn't fit into one of my other household budget items (fuel, food, utilities, etc.) These days, $20 goes fast. This time, it was gone within two days. However, I still do the "loose change" saving technique. I used to do loose change AND singles, but every dollar counts lately.

Next Saturday, I am taking a bus trip to Atlantic City with a friend. Today, I took all of my loose change to the bank to cash it in for spending money for next Saturday. In the past 6 months, I have been able to "save" up over $85 in loose change. It doesn't sound like much, but for me, this is "found" money. Money I can spend next weekend without guilt. Money that will also be the parent to my new "savings" fund because all of the bills I use will yield some sort of loose change... and all of that loose change will come back from AC with me (the slots there don't take coins) and start the cycle over.

So, that's my "one thing" for today. If you find yourself having trouble saving, start small. One day, you may find yourself with more than you thought you had.

I also bought a lottery ticket for the powerball.

Day Four

I almost forgot. Man, what kind of dedication would I have if I started slacking after three days?

Today was an emotional day.

After a sleepless night of soul searching, I realized that I am exhausted. Absolutely positively to-the-core exhausted.

So, in lieu of lunch, I scheduled a meeting with someone from my company's HR department to discuss any programs that may be available for stress management. While I was there, I had a mini-breakdown and came to the realization that I really truly need a new path, a new direction at work. The company is a good one. I have no complaints there. I asked for an internal job posting form.

I have been struggling for two years with being a supervisor -- it really was harder than I thought to go from being "one of the team" to the "leader" of the team -- and although I've given it everything I have, I would much rather prefer to be a worker bee -- someone who is only responsible for myself. I am a hard worker and a smart worker. I just cannot handle the stress of unrealistic expectations, a team of people whom my boss states doesn't really like me much, and the ever-changing demands that are requiring me to be pulled in several directions at once. I feel myself cracking. I am losing control and making mistakes. At the end of the day, I feel beat down and depressed.

My manager has been aware (or so I thought) of my struggles. She has asked me a couple of times in the past few months if I regretted becoming a supervisor.

So, when I went to her with the form to post for another job, I thought she would sign it. She did not.

I practically begged her to allow me the chance to be successful some place else and not force me to stay in a job I don't like.

So, I left her office and went back to work.

I cannot afford to get fired.

So, my "one thing" today was that I tried to put my needs first and to improve my work situation. It backfired and I feel even worse, but at least I tried.

I'm also still praying for the winning lottery ticket.

Day Three

I don't want to work this weekend.

After work, I had to stop at the store to get some groceries and I was so tempted to fill my cart with stuff that soothes the sole but pads the hips. But, I didn't.

That's my "one thing" for today -- instead of sabotaging my small steps toward eating healthier, I chose watermelon, pre-cut veggies and fruit juice.

I should have bought some lottery tickets instead.

Day Two

I was sitting on my couch eating a tomato sandwich after work, flipping aimlessly through the channels... trying to find something "good" on. It seems like everything is in syndication these days -- no original programming to be found. So, I thought to myself, "Self, why are you paying so much for cable when you only watch three or four shows a week?"

I momentarily tinkered with the idea of canceling it altogether but couldn't quite force myself to go that far.

So, I called the cable company and pretended like I was thinking of canceling it. Adam was able to find a way to save me $12 a month. He didn't say what he did to find the discount, but $12 is $12. That's 1/4 of a tank of gas... or 12 chances at the mega millions ... or 12 rolls of scratchy toilet paper from the dollar store. That's $144 a year. I'll take it.

Maybe I'll wait a few more days and try it again. Maybe I can keep getting $12 discounts until they actually owe me money each month.

I also entered the "choose your favorite M&M" contest to try to win $50k. If I win, I'll give the cable company back their $12.

http://www.mms.com/us/vote/

Day One

For months, I've been complaining about my life and how I seem to have no control over what is going on in it. This isn't true. The truth is, it's easier to complain and do nothing than to do something and be responsible for my own actions.

I've decided that the time has come to stop complaining and start doing.

I realized that I am most successful if I have an action plan -- a goal -- to work towards.

Here is my goal: one year from today, I will not be living the current life I'm living.

Seems simple enough, right?

My plan is to do one thing each day to try to change my life. It doesn't have to be a big thing or expensive thing or monumental thing. But, I will do something. The biggest area of my life in need of help is my career but I also plan on addressing diet, exercise, social life, relationships, money, etc.

Like a rock tossed into a lake, one small ripple creates another ripple that creates another ripple and eventually the entire lake is changed by that one motion.

This blog will be my account of my small ripples in hopes that one year from now, all of those ripples will have changed my life in some meaningful way.

I am also opening this up to you all to share what you do to make your life more meaningful and for you to suggest things to me as well to try.

So, what did I do today?

I began soul-searching about possible future career options and updated my resume. I want to start internally at work for something new there.