Reflections on 2011

Time, time, time
See what's become of me

Time, time, time
See what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please

2011 is almost over.  Today is the last day of the year.  I usually spend this day doing a massive "purge" around the house -- cleaning out cupboards, medicine cabinets, the "junk drawer" in the kitchen.  Out with the old and in with the new.

However, I wasn't feeling well today and took it fairly easy.  I did venture outside -- in short-sleeves to a 65 degree day -- this afternoon to get my eyebrows and fingernails done.  I also ventured to the mall to try to scoop up some deals at Bath and Body Works.  Now, I'm relaxing and watching movies on television.  A nice peaceful night.  A good ending, I guess, to a year that has had some bumps.

2010 absolutely sucked.  I don't have the "Note" I posted to Facebook last January (I deleted it from FB) recalling 2010 and setting my goals for 2011, but I seem to recall saying that anything had to be better than 2010.

2011 started out kind of iffy.  Residual bad energy from 2010, I guess.  I don't know.  I wasn't me.  I wasn't in a good mood.  I had a co-worker who was bullying me (but out of the sights of others) and there was nothing I could do about it because she was friends with my manager and always seemed to be one step ahead of me.  She said a lot of mean things and did some underhanded things, but because I was kind of submissive and afraid of her, I let her.  She would say things to my manager about me that were supposed to sound "well meaning" but weren't.  She would make comments to me about my weight.  She would ask me stuff about my life in what I thought was an attempt to bond, then use it against me later in insults and backhanded compliments.  Then, she quit in the spring and I felt very relieved.  Her last ditch effort to slam me was to tell my manager that she was resigning because she couldn't deal to work with me because I was so negative and unhappy, but the irony was that SHE was the reason why I was so unhappy and negative.

I started to look for a new job late spring and last May actually got an offer.  I was very close to accepting it but at the last minute, my gut told me not to.  (Good thing, too, because I understand that the position I had been about to accept was eliminated recently and I would have spent the holidays unemployed.)  

I got a new co-worker in May.  A male co-worker who has the same sense of humor as me, the same mind-set and similar outlook on many things.  It was so refreshing to have someone I could get along with, laugh with and be myself with, without worrying that he was going to undermine me, use me, insult me or try to get me fired.  My outlook improved dramatically.  I actually started to enjoy going to work because it was like having a partner in crime.  I'm very grateful for this friendship.  I trust him and feel like I can tell him anything, which to his chagrin, I usually do.  He makes me laugh and I know I can count on him for a decent intelligent conversation, with correct grammar.  I also can count on him to get my sarcasm and to not answer my rhetorical questions.  It's not often you meet someone who has the sense of humor/mind connection.  I have a tendency to want to keep people who have it when I find it.  (Now, if I could find someone like him in the romance department, life would be dandy.)

My role within the department changed a little in the summer and I became more involved in new hire training.  I was telling one of the new hires dating horror stories in early June and she told me that I should write them down, that they were funny, and that she thought people would enjoy reading them.  I told her I used to write a blog but got away from it.  She suggested that I start again.  So, I rebirthed my blog mid-summer.  To date, including the few weeks of blogs I wrote in sucky 2010, I have written 174 blog posts.  I believe close to 140 of them just from July to present.  I love writing.  I love hearing that my blog makes people think and makes people laugh.  I love that people tell me that I write like I talk and that when they are reading this blog, it's like having me tell them stories.  I like that when I'm old and gray, I'll have some of my memories captured for my cats to read.

I made several friends through my involvement in new hire training.  One of the groups that started in October, whom I affectionately call the peeps (as in "these are my peeps"), really bonded with me.  We have gone out for drinks a couple of times and I really enjoy these ladies.  They are smart, funny, low-drama and we don't talk about work when we go out. 

My friend Dorrie came in September to visit.  Enjoyed adult beverages. Discovered I hate driving.  Really hate driving.

I checked something off of my bucket list - seeing Jason Mraz in concert.  LOVED that concert.  Love Jason Mraz.  So positive.  Colbie Caillat was with him.  They make a great team.

Went to Vegas and got to see and touch an Elvis impersonator.  Love me some Elvis.

Got to to go to DC for the first time and spend time with some friends.  Got to see Guy Fieri and reconnect with an old college friend, too.

I lost 40 lbs on a weight loss challenge at work and kept it off.  

I asked 2 guys out.  They turned me down, but at least I tried. Their loss. Made up my mind that I'm not doing any more "first moves".  Ever. Again. I'm worth the chase.  I'm worth the commitment.

I've been improving my self-esteem on a regular basis.  Working on my instincts, confidence and attractiveness.

I started a new project for my part time work at home job which introduced me to some like-minded people whom I have fun emailing and chatting with.  The project has also helped me pay for gifts and chocolate for co-workers, as well as myself. Sadly, work is scarce and I'm looking for something new.  A winning lottery ticket will resolve that issue.

I won $500 on a scratcher.

I bought a Garmin and a Kindle Fire and kept both.  Maybe my fear of committing to expensive technology is waning.  Could be that my fear of emotional commitment will soon wane as well.

When I weigh the good with the bad, 2011 wasn't all bad.  I've had issues with friends, disappointments and bruises to my heart, but aside from the first 4 months of the year, I think I can live with how 2011 turned out.

I truly believe things happen for a reason and people happen for a reason and 2011 was a definite example of that.  If I had taken that job in May, I wouldn't have met the cool co-worker or the peeps.  I wouldn't have been encouraged to start blogging again.  I wouldn't have played pool for the first time.  I wouldn't have done karaoke for the first time.  I probably wouldn't have won the $500 because I wouldn't have been buying lottery tickets for my co-workers.  If I hadn't gotten confused about some feelings I was having about someone in my life, I wouldn't have sought advice from a fake pyschic.  I wouldn't have blogged about it and I wouldn't have had an old friend reach out to me to offer advice.  My confidence level would not have rebounded and I would not have drawn more people to me at work and in life.

The world works in mysterious ways.  I only hope that the people who have impacted me this year have been impacted by me in some small way and that I make it to their list of "good things" for 2011.

On a sad note, three friends left Earth this year -  much too soon and much too early.  RIP Courtney, Heather and Betty.  My uncle Bill also died.  He was 81.

Now, 2012.

My goals for this year are fairly simple:

• Lose weight.  I'm tired of being invisible. You'd think someone my size would not use the word invisible but I am.  I'm the "little buddy" that men tell their woes to, goof off with and ask to go shopping.  I like being friends with guys.  However, I'm tired of not being seen a serious contender in the relationship/dating race.  It's like I don't have feelings.  "She's fat.  She couldn't possibly want to be dated."  Screw that.  This is the year that all changes.
• Take more risks.
• Be open to magical moments, wherever and whenever they happen.
• Never settle.  In love, in work, in life.  Settling is easy.  I'd rather have a few tear-stained pillowcases than a lifetime of "comfortable."

Happy New Year!   Make it the best you can make it! 

If you are reading this, thank you for being part of 2011~

If I Were a Rich Girl

All the riches, baby, won't mean anything
All the riches, baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches, baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby, your lovin' is better than gold, and I know

If I was rich girl, na na, na na, na na, na na na na, na na, na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
'Cause I'd have all the money in the world if I was a wealthy girl

I read an article the other day about a guy who allegedly told a woman how to trick the megabucks slot machine in Vegas to win big.  They allegedly had an agreement on a post it note to split the money. She won.  He sued. The post it note stood up in court and the woman has to split the jackpot with him.

I always talk about what I'll do when (notice I never say "if") I win the lottery.  Quit the job.  Travel.  Live big.  I joke about forming a posse and have been accepting verbal applications from various people in my life who want various functions in my wealthy life in exchange for some of my wealth.  One person wants to be my personal shopper.  One person wants to be my driver.  One wants to be my bodyguard.  One wants to be my personal assistant.  One wants be my personal chef.  (Actually, I've had three men all offer to be my personal chef. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, oh my!)  I always laugh and tell them, "See me when I win."  Or some other vague comment. 

The reality is -- I probably won't need a posse.  However, it's fun to talk big. And dream big.  I'm a generous person so I imagine I'll share the love and money, but I want it on record now so that there are no law suits later, I have not committed to any of these actual positions.  :)  Well, ok, I did commit on paper to one of the positions, the personal chef position.  I put it in a Christmas card that the person doesn't recall seeing or receiving.  Wouldn't it suck to throw away the one piece of written evidence that you had a piece of my money coming your way?

I told a co-worker the other day that what I will do, however, is throw one helluva party for my posse-wannabes.  I said on the day I collect my winnings, I'll show up at work to collect my one personal belonging there, a houseplant that someone gave me when my cat Molly died.  It has sentimental value.  I said I'd then parade myself and said plant through the office, collecting people as I go, sort of like the Pied Piper.  Then, everyone can walk me to my car and say good bye.  I expect a lot of sobbing and cries of "We'll miss you.  Please don't go. I love you. Please stay."  

I also expect my desk to be raided of all of the good pens and office supplies too. 

Then, we'll all meet up at the local karaoke bar where we'll sing every song we can think of that has to deal with being rich, money, bling, etc.  I'll buy the first couple of rounds and then at the end of the evening, I'll give an envelope to each person who came to celebrate with me.  Inside that envelope will be a little fun money to go out and do whatever the heck they want.  It won't be enough to quit a job, but it will be enough to have one really great day on me.

Today, I told someone that it was quite possibly my last Friday to work ever and I was pretty excited by the thought.  I have a Mega Millions ticket for tonight, a Powerball for tomorrow night and two tickets for the New Year's Day Million Dollar raffle.  That someone asked me if I'd blow my winnings and have to keep on working or if I'd be smart and invest so that I could quit and live comfortably for the rest of my life.

I said I'd do a little of both.

I've always wanted to be a "secret Santa" all year round.  So, I think I'll set aside a chunk of the money to just travel around and make other people's days.  Go into libraries and put $10 bills inside of some of my favorite books.  Go to Goodwill and tuck $20s into coat pockets and old purses.  Leave envelopes with $5s under wipers at the mall. Little things here and there.  Little surprises.  You know how excited you get when you walk across a parking lot and look down and see a dollar on the ground and there's no one around so you pick it up and feel lucky?  I want to be the person who walks around parking lots dropping dollar bills for other people to find.  I'd also like to get bags of loose change and sprinkle them in the mulch at playgrounds and along the oceanfront so that people playing in the mulch and sand can find it.  Fun stuff.

I also want to do that whole crafty/creative thing.  I want to have some bright and airy shop some place where I can make and sell crafty things.  A place warm and breezy.  I keep thinking of the Bahamas or some place like that.  I always imagine my shop being near the ocean where people can come in off of the beach or the street.  The oceanfront here is too congested.  I don't want to compete with all of the other shops.  I envision tinkling wind chimes, open doors, sand, air, ocean...  Seagulls and other sea birds perched on wooden posts outside.  Kids running around barefoot. Comfy flowing caftans, linen slacks and floral shirts.  Mmmmmm..... maybe Hawaii?  I have quite a few crafty/creative friends -- scrap booking, clay, pottery, figurines, gift baskets, candles, knitting, photography, painting, ...  I think I shall invite all of my creative friends to share their wares on a cosignment basis (this gives them an excuse to vacation with me) and invite locals (of the tropical place where my shop is) to share their things too.  We can have classes and fun.  I see fruity drinks, too.  Men with dreads.  Steel drums.  Aaaaaah,  I want to go now.  Mon.

I discovered recently that one of my male friends, the one who called dibs first on being my personal chef, has a creative side as well and would like to do something creative with his life, if he could.  So, as much as I'd like to have him as my personal chef, there is one ... um... stumbling block.  He's allergic to cats.  I want my breakfast waiting for me in the morning so that would require being in my house to cook it.  He can't be in my house to cook it if he's allergic to Abby.  And having him deliver it defeats the purpose of having a live-in chef.  And removing Abby is out of the question.  Although, if I'm rich, I guess I could pay a doctor to find a cure stronger than benadryl for cat allergies. Or I could make him wear a face mask.  Nah, that's too Michael Jackson creepy.

So, I have a new job for him.  He's going to manage my little artisan mall thingy.  He can do his creative thing there and help run my business at the same time. I can come and go as I please, being creative there or being creative at one of my many homes.  He jokes about wanting to run away to Fiji.  I can't promise Fiji but I can promise some sort of non-Virginia Beach beach.  He has management experience and says he can do all sorts of creative things too.  It's a win-win for me.  I'll make sure the place has an apartment upstairs in case he wants to live there.  I've satisfied my promise to him of a good salary doing something fun, along with free room and board.  Of course, I haven't told him this.

I also want to help out my family and friends as much as I can, without bankrupting myself.  Home improvements, college funds, new cars...

And, yes, animal rescue... and other charities.  I have a long list of "causes".  I may even get Abby a little brother or sister. (Fur variety.  I've changed my mind about the human variety.)   I would, however, consider fostering or adopting older children who think everyone has given up on them.

I will do fun things, too.  However, I wanted to blog about the things I'd do for others... just in case those vibes sway those little balls in my favor.  Oh, please, let those balls be in my favor.  I'll love those balls forever.

So, I'm hoping the powers that be will realize I won't be a squanderer and will actually do good things with my money. 

Oh, please please please let this be the last Friday I ever had to work for someone else.

I think I shall now take my lottery tickets to bed and think happy lucky thoughts.  I keep saying 2012 is going to be the year I make big changes.

What better way than with a million or so in cool cash?

What About Me?

I, I got a new life
You would hardly recognize me
I'm so glad
Why would a person like me care for you
Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Ooooooo
Is enough enough

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign 

So, someone who reads my blog messaged me today and told me she liked yesterday's blog about how I should have known better about the men in my life.  She then said, "So, what about you?"  I wrote back, "What do you mean?"  She said, "Why don't you write a blog about how men can know that they don't stand a chance with you?"  I laughed to myself and wrote her back, "If he's breathing, he stands a chance."  She wrote me that it's not true and that some men might find it useful.  I told her, "Sure, if men read my blog."

Show of hands... how many single men are there reading my blog?  (crickets)  Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyhow, to appease my friend, here is a blog about tips for the guy who wonders if he's my guy. Or could be my guy.  I'll follow the same format as yesterday's blog.

Signs You May Never See Me Naked (or get your name doodled on my to-do list when I'm supposed to be working...)

1. Dude, bro, man, guy, buddy or pal.   I don't use any of these tags with people.  However, if I call you "babe" or "honey", I probably don't see you romantically.  I know, I know.  Babe and Honey are typical terms of endearment.  I do use them endearingly on occasion.  However, when I like someone (or am considering liking someone) I just can't call them babe or honey.  I have a lot of friends I care for whom I do call babe or honey.  I like them a lot.  Just not romantically.  I'm odd, I know.  I might slip up and use them on a one-off basis.  Like, "Nice job, babe!"  Or "Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear that..."  But not on a regular basis.  Not if I want you to think up your own romantic terms of endearment later.

2. George Michael, Ricky Martin, Ryan Seacrest or Justin Bieber. If I tell you that I admire any of these men, the good news is that they are harmless and it's probably because they dress nice, sing nice, have great hair or something.  I do not like to rattle off celebrities I think are hot.  I don't want you to tell me you find some skeleton wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie hot.  Therefore, if I'm interested in you, I will not tell you how hot I think some actor du jour is.  I might tell you about my 30+ year crush on Rick Springfield, but not because I want you to be Rick Springfield.  Mostly to show you that I can be loyal to one man for over 30 years.  If I do tell you that I "like" a celebrity or that I think someone else is hot, then I don't see you as a romantic contender.  I see you as someone who may or may not agree with me.  Oh, however, if there is a celebrity who sort of looks like you or acts like you, I might say, "Oh, I really like this guy" in hopes that you will see yourself in him and think, "Gosh, I bet she thinks I'm dandy, too." 

3. My mom, my brother, my grandmother or my 4th grade teacher. If I don't tell you about them at all, I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  I don't like to talk about my family (or my past) that much (shocker, I know, considering I do write about them in my blog).  My family is dysfunctional.  I am not my family.  So, if I tell you about them then I've invited you into my circle of trust and want to prepare you for the rare possibility that you may meet them some day.  Well, ok, my grandmothers are dead so that probably won't happen.  However, my mom and brother (and both 4th grade teachers) are alive and well.  Just don't go anywhere near SW PA.  If I ask about yours, this is a good sign I'm interested in you, too.  Mostly because I hope to hear you come from a dysfunctional family too.

4. My ex.  If I tell you about my ex, it'll probably be prefaced or followed by some bit of wisdom like "It wasn't meant to be.  It's over. I've moved on."  If I do tell you, it's probably to show you that I was capable of having some sort of relationship in my past.  If I'm interested in you romantically, I may even point out all of the awesome things you do that are so totally opposite of the ex(es).  I may even secretly hope you'll say something like, "His loss."  or "He didn't deserve you."  I may even mock my bad taste and bad luck in hopes that you'll say something that shows me you're not like him/them.  However, if I go into great great detail from how we met, how he dressed, how he smelled or how we broke up, the kids I wanted to name after him and/or how I wanted him to develop some flesh eating disorder after we broke up, then I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  Too much information.  Too much negative information.  Disclaimer:  if you read it here, it's not the same as me telling you directly so you still might have a chance.   If I ask you about your ex, I just want to hear that you have moved on.  I watch for body language that indicates that you are hurt, still in love or bitter.  If I see signs of these things and don't think they are easily dealt with, I'll probably start calling you honey and ask you if want to go to the Justin Bieber concert, which I'll probably tell you at some point was my ex's favorite singer.

5. Nicknames for genitalia.  I do not have a nickname for my genitalia.  It is what it is.  It has a function.  Please, please, please do not tell me you have a nickname for yours until our, um, 10th anniversary.  The only exception is if it is named Ralph after the book FOREVER by Judy Blume and you are saying it to be witty and literary.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have the book I can lend you. It's a cute thing.)

6. Bodily functions.  I don't want to know you crap.  I don't.  I know it happens.  I don't want to smell it, see it or discuss it.  I might tell you I have to pee on occasion.  I tell everyone.  I think it came from working with small children who liked to announce that they have to pee.  However, if I excuse myself while we're together and am gone for awhile, yeah, we're probably not going to make out in front of Abby anytime soon.  That's a line I don't like to cross.  I once held back pee (and only pee) for several hours while I was with a guy because I just did not want to use the bathroom in his presence.  I didn't want him to see me as human, I guess. 

7.  My friends. If I never mention my friends (the friends we don't have in common, assuming we have some in common) to you, I'm probably not interested in you and have no intention of introducing you to them.  If I tell you about my friends (and assuming none of the other rules have come into play -- like calling you honey often, using your bathroom and teasing you about your penis' nickname), then I may hope you will meet them some day.  If I tell you how you'd be perfect for one of them, however, I am not interested in you.... or I could be testing you... to see if you are interested in them.  Nah, just kidding.  I don't roll like that.

8. Texting. I like to talk.  I love watching facial expressions and body language.  I love watching lips move and hearing the sound of the male voice.  I like intonation, inflection and all of those other words that describe the beauty and magic of the human vocal ability.  However, I love written words, too.  I like emails and texts, if they are appropriate and well-placed.  I've heard of sexting.  I've heard of drunk texting.  I've done neither but I think I'd be interested in both at some point.  So, if I ask you to put the phone down, or to give me a call, or to meet me to talk, I'm probably interested in you.  If I never do those things and freely give you my AIM screen name and cell phone number, then I'm probably just looking for someone to pass time with every now and then.  If I find ways/reasons for us to talk, I'm probably interested in you (unless I'm doing something that has to be done via talking -- like an interview or training or dictation.)  I don't mind that you sometimes say what can't or don't feel comfortable saying via text.  I just don't want everything to be by text.  "I love you" should be spoken not texted, unless you have laryngitis.  (I'm guilty of using text when I should have called.  We all have our moments and sometimes, it's easy to hide behind technology.  Safer.)

9. My "friend".  If I call a guy a friend, I'm not a cliched 80s song by Biz Markie.  He really is just a friend.  Now, true, friends can sometimes become more than friends.  I dig that.  I'm down with that.  If anyone has read my "wallow" blogs before I got all chickensh*t and deleted them, you know I'm prone to such fantasies.  However, if I am seeing someone romantically, I don't say "he's just a friend."  I say, "He's someone I'm seeing...."  Yes, he could also be a friend, but I'll never qualify with "just a", as if to make it obvious he's nothing more.  It's assumed in my life that if a guy is a friend, he's a friend.  If he's more, he's more.  So, if I call you friend over and over and over and over while you are texting me "Do U want 2 go out?", I might not be interested.  However, if I say yes and we go out and then I introduce you to someone later, I'll just use your name.  I promise I won't call you "my friend" during introductions unless that is all you are.

10.  "Is everything ok?"  I will ask you this if I care about you, romantically, as a friend, as a co-worker.  It doesn't matter.  I care about how people feel.  I can't use this one as a disqualifier for romance.  It's not in my nature to "NOT" care.

10*. (since the one above didn't count.)  "Other men".  If I mention other men to you and ask "what should I do?", I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  However, if I just mention other men to you, it probably falls into one of two categories.  They are friends and I'm sharing info about friends.  Or, I want to see if mentioning them will inspire you to tell me that I can do better, that they suck or that you could rock my world far better than they could. If I'm mentioning the other man's failings, I'm probably trying to see if you have similar failings or will side with him.  (Note:  always side with the woman you might be interested in.) Of course, I could just be making conversation.  I could be into you or might someday be into you and this is the only thing going on in my life right now worth mentioning.  I could be nervous that I like you and am using the other man as a shield.  I get skerred too.

11.  Public Displays of Affection. I know movies and books trick us into thinking that we'll touch someone and sparks will fly ... or that we'll kiss and know immediately....  however, I know from experience that I've had some awkward touches and kisses in the past that if I had used them to base my sole experience with a person, I never would have gotten to know a couple of great people.

I get nervous when I touch someone I'm interested in.  Too much expectation.  Too many insecurities.  I can hug the sh*t out of people I don't need to worry about whether or not they felt my rolls of fat.  However, put me within 6 inches of someone I'm attracted to and I'm immediately wishing for heavy duty Spanx, and stronger deodorant (not because I stink, but because I'm nervous).

I've rambled.

Hmmmm.....  so, I hope this makes my friend happy.

Truly -- I try to give everyone a fair shake.  I've been on the receiving end of "he's just not that into you" too many times to have black and white rules for when romance will or will not bloom.

I realize that just because you may exhibit some of the "correct" responses to my situations above, it doesn't mean you are into me.  I just threw this list together to point out some of my habits.  It has to be the "perfect storm."  And I also realize that things have a way of creating their own rules.  Someone I "honey" to death today may end up being someone I don't want to "honey" that way any more, and vice versa.  It is what it is. 


Seriously, don't let this list daunt you (who am I kidding?  I've heard crickets the entire time I wrote this) if you think you might be interested in me.  Also, keep in mind that this list is "as of right now".  I'm a woman.  I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. =)

You're breathing? You're over your ex?  Your "friend" doesn't do it for you anymore?

That's a beginning.  Call me.  Or text me.  I'm cool.

Not Meant To Be

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind

It's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

So, you know how when you like someone, your closest girlfriends seem to rally around, giving encouragement, listening to your "cute" (and "not so cute") stories, giving you advice, convincing you that all of the emotional roller coaster crap is just worth it because in the end, you'll live happily ever after?

Then, once you aren't into that guy anymore, they start to tell you how much they didn't really like him, or how they could have told you it wasn't going to work out, or that they just knew that he was probably going to end up flaking out?

I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the guys I've "really liked" in my past and how, after the fact, it was totally obvious to me that we were not meant to be, no matter how much I kept trying to shove that square peg into a round hole... but at the time, I was totally blind to the signs.

Here are some of my observations....

Signs You Will Never See The Guy You Like Naked (Long-Term)

1. Dude, bro, man, guy, buddy or pal.   If, at any time during normal conversation, he calls you any of these pet names, you are never going to see him naked.  He's already neutered you in his mind and sees you as a buddy.  He probably doesn't even realize you have boobs.  Real boobs.  Or ovaries.  You are one of the guys.  Soon, he'll pass gas in front of you and tell you some off-color joke that "girls" find offensive.  The only exception to this is if you are dating a surfer from SoCal who calls everyone "dude". 

2. George Michael, Ricky Martin, Ryan Seacrest or Justin Bieber.  If he tells you that he admires any of these men, thinks they are excellent role models and/or tells you that he'd love to hang out with them because they are so talented, attractive and interesting, run.  Fast.  Far.  If he owns a boy band CD or has a boy band haircut, this is icing on the cake.  He isn't aware you have boobs... or, if he does, he notices that the bra you are wearing to encase said boobs is the wrong size and can probably tell you the best place to get fitted for a new one.  (and if I find him attractive in any way and would date him, yeah, sure sign he's not going to be into you.)

3. His mom, his sister, his grandmother or his 4th grade teacher.  If he ever tells you that you remind him of any of these women, you're never going to see him naked.  He considers you too familiar, a member of the family.  He might invite you to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner but his intention is not to introduce you to his family as a girlfriend or potential girlfriend.  He just wants all of his female relatives to bond with one another.  Share recipes.  Tell cute stories about him.

4. His ex.  If he tells you at any point any kind of story about his ex, especially right after you first meet, you're not going to see him naked.  Most men are a little leery about discussing the ex with a potential love interest.  They do not want to discuss failures and they do not want you wondering if he's still hung up on her.  If he wants you to see him naked, she (the ex) will never make it into the conversation.  Or, if she does, it will be quickly dismissed with a "... it just wasn't meant to be and I wish her well..."  If he bashes the ex or, worse, tells you how hot she was and how he wishes he still had her, you may as well start calling him "dude" or "bro" or "pal" yourself because it just can't end well if he isn't over her.

5. Nicknames for his penis.  If he has a nickname for any of his gentalia, you're not going to see him naked.  He's not comfortable with himself, his body and/or his sexuality.  If he's doing it to be funny, it's not, it's just creepy.   Plus, in the heat of the moment, do you really want to hear, "Snorky wants to come out and play." 

6. Bodily functions.  If he tells you he has to go to the bathroom and tells you which function, or worse, describes it to you, he's not going to do the deed with you.  See # 1.

7.  His, um, friends.  Whose names you don't know.  If he ever references his friends in the generalist of terms, never uses their names or tells you any specifics about them, he never intends for you to meet them.  Ever.  He doesn't want you to know who they are in the event you ever run into them some place.  If he's not willing to introduce you to his friends, he probably isn't going to introduce you to "Snorky" either.  Not with any intention of long-term commitment for sure.

8. Texting.  Only texting.   If he refuses to talk to you on the phone and prefers all contact be through texts, IMs or Facebook messages, he's not really into any sort of face to face, intimate conversations.  If you're looking for a pen pal, keep his digits.  Otherwise, "Was it good for you?" won't come out of his lips when you're done.  However, about 5 minutes later, you will probably get a text that says "U R gr8t."

9. His.. um... "friend".  If you know he has been seeing someone, a female someone, and he only refers to her as his "friend", then he's afraid of commitment.  If he "breaks up" (which just means he stops texting her) with her and starts to see you, you'll probably be his "friend" too.  Only, you won't know this because when he's with you (and your friends), he'll be the doting boyfriend.  He'll probably even be super charming and use the word "we" a lot.  However, tomorrow, when he's at work... or at the gym.. or at the mall, and another woman is talking to him about his weekend plans,  he'll tell her, "I went out of town with a friend."  This is fine if you don't ever want more than a faux beau and once-a-month sex.  But, if you do...  well...  sorry, pal.

10.  "Is everything ok?"  If you are having a bad day... a visibly bad day... and he never even attempts to find out why, then he could care less about you and your emotional state.  This means that in the future, when you really need him to be there for you, he won't be.  If he does ask you, he'll probably do it quickly and as he's heading out the door so that the amount of time required to actually listen to your woes is limited.  He might text you later and say, "Hope U R OK", which translates into "Hope you are over whatever it is you had going on cause I just want to come home and have sex and not have to deal with it."

Ah, a perfect 10.  The only one in my life at the moment.  Yes, these items were tongue in cheek.  Yes, some of them seemed almost borderline Alanis Morrissette material.  However, I have personally, sadly, experienced each one of them at some point in my dating life.  Many of them with one guy.

So...  yeah .... no witty or profound ending here.  Just hoping that the next time, I'll have this list handy to remind me of what's not meant to be.

So Alive

My head is full of magic, baby,
And I can't share this with you.
The feel I'm on top again, baby,
That's got everything to do with you.

I had a really nice dream last night.  A very nice dream.

In my dream, I was sitting in my bed, with my Kindle Fire propped up on my knees and I was reading my blog to someone.  A male someone.

He was stretched out on the bed beside me, with his head propped on his hand, listening to me read the blog.

At first, I started out doing a dramatic reading of my blog, then, being me, I got a little silly with it.

I was wearing a pink nightgown (not surprising because I actually wear a pink nightgown) but he was fully dressed.  I was under the covers.  He was on top.

I then started to read my blog like I was doing an "adult entertainment" phone call.  My voice was deeper, huskier, softer and slower.  I kept pausing dramatically and running my hand through my hair and touching my throat.  He would laugh and then insert, "ooh baby" and "oh yes, tell me more" comments while I was reading.

I wanted to laugh but followed through with the reading.  I was reading the "All I Want For Christmas" blog.

When I got to the end, I read to him "... all I want for Christmas is you..." and then I wagged my eyebrows at him suggestively.  He gave me a slow smile of recognition and then we started kissing.

The Kindle was forgotten and Abby was banished to the living room for the night.

In order to keep the blog PG 13, I won't go into all of the details but let's just say it was a very very nice dream and that I did not want to wake up.

Ah, maybe this was a sneak peak of next Christmas.

Assuming the world doesn't end.

 

 

Keep Your Head Up

But you got to keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh
Got to keep your head up oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh,
I know it’s hard,
Know it’s hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you got to keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I posted recently about the power of confidence and how when I'm perkier and more confident, others seem to pick up on it and are drawn to me.  It's an amazing thing.  

This past week, I had two new hires.  Nice girls.  It was hard to focus with it being a holiday week and everyone seemed to be in holiday mode, wanting to relax a little.  I did my best to keep them focused but had to insert my own brand of personalization in the form of stories from life.  

One of the girls told me that she had been there for awhile and had heard about me from previous new hires and had been observing me and she told me that she thought I was one of the most genuine and most generous people she had ever seen and met.  She said she had actually been looking forward to training so that she could be with me.  

After being with me for a few days, she told me that she loved that I was so patient, kind and nice.  She said she noticed that a lot of people felt the need to wave at me or smile at me as they passed by my room.  Several stopped to chat, make a joke, tease me, or talk to me.  I made the comment that they were just nice people, too.  She said that she didn't doubt it but that she also had a feeling that it had a lot to do with me.  A fellow co-worker would stop by on breaks to say hi and hang out for a few moments and she said that he could go see anyone else in the building but chose to see me because I probably made him feel good, too.  I brushed it off, saying that I was just closer to his desk, or that he was bored, or whatever else I could think of. 

I'm not used to those kinds of compliments and having people examining me for once.  I'm usually the one doing the examining.  Both of the new hires kept asking me why I don't have a "boo" in my life and I just kept saying that it just hasn't been meant to be and that I'm sure that the right guy is out there for me.  I shared with them that I just felt that my "soul mate" was out there some place -- the person who connects with me mentally, emotionally, physically and sense of humor-lly.   I told them I was picky and that I wasn't going to settle.  They made some suggestions of their own based on observations but I told them I wasn't going to do any chasing.  Not any more.  I've done all of the chasing in all of my relationships and I'm not doing it any more.  I'm worth the risk and if someone is interested in me, then they can take the risk.  Take the chance.

They asked me how I stay so positive and upbeat.  I told them that I'm not always this way.  I'm human.  I'm prone to the same hormonal fluctuations as any woman. (See me the third week of the month and I'm an emotional mess inside.  An emotional mess that craves salty foods and sex.  Horny, hungry and weepy - oh my!)  I assured them I have insecurities about my weight.  I worry about paying bills.  I sometimes get confused by the way people act with me and around me.  I have drama in my life.  

I told them that one of the big things I do -- and this is a fairly recent thing -- is that every night before I go to bed, I write a list of "affirmations" (for lack of a better word) in a journal I bought.  I got a hard-backed (you know I love my hard-backed spiral notebooks) sketch pad (I also love unlined paper) from Barnes and Noble and a really good fine-tip Sharpie in a hot pink color.  Every night, I open to a clean white page and write down a person, place or thing I want to focus on, to send energy to.  I then write a list of action words and phrases beneath each heading.  Words and phrases that express past, present and future goals and interactions with these items.  Positive verbs.  Nothing negative.  I just let whatever comes to mind free flow from my hands to the paper.   Then, I close my eyes and focus on sending as much positive energy to those words as possible.

I re-read my list, not editing anything, and then focus on maintaining as much of a positive vibe as I can.

Every morning, before I go into work, I sit in my car and listen to an upbeat song (usually the Sunshine Song by Jason Mraz or Brighter Than The Sun by Colbie Caillat) and focus on the positive words again in my head. [Listen to the songs.  I dare you not to find yourself singing along.]

I've also set a goal to do or say at least one nice thing each day.  I believe that if you send positive energy out, it comes back to you, multiplied.  So, I say good morning to everyone I see.  I smile.  I joke.  I flirt.  I tell people how great they are (genuinely.  I don't believe in false compliments.)  I buy breakfast.  I offer up candy.  I hope that each little ray of light that I can infuse in someone's day will encourage them to light up someone else's life, hopefully mine too.  

Now, I totally admit it's not an easy feat.  There are some people, whom I call "blockers", who put up walls and/or are resistant to the positivity.  They want to complain.  They want to grump.  They want to frown.  They shut me out and shoot me down.  I do my best to try to stay away from those people.  Toxic, toxic, toxic.  There's a small part of me that wants to try harder with those people, but I believe they have to want to let the positivity in and be open to being happy.  Some people like to wallow.  I've done my fair share of wallowing.  I wallowed last night.  I had a bit of a disappointment yesterday that I held inside all day.  I bet that if you asked anyone who saw me yesterday, not one would even tell you that I seemed out of sorts.  However, as soon as I got home, I wallowed like a pig in mud.  Then, I shook it off, wrote my list of positive words and went to bed.

A new year is quickly approaching.  As I usually do, I get reflective this time of year.  I'll post my official end of the year blog next weekend, but I will give a sneak peak now into my goals and hopes for the upcoming year.

I am determined to make this upcoming year the year that changes everything for me.  I am not going to stand on the sidelines any more and let life pass me by.  I've lost my "virginity" with playing pool and doing karaoke this year.  I checked something off of my bucket list.  I've been more open and I've torn down the walls that usually surround me.  A co-worker always comments on how much personal stuff I tell the new hires and I didn't always use to be that way.  I used to be very private.  Very reserved.  However, the human aspect is one that appeals to people.  Once someone sees me as a "real" person, they relate more, they invest more.  They are interested and feel like they have a relationship with me -- not some robotic teacher who is reciting from a manual.  However, I realized this year that walls that are meant to protect me also keep out people and keep out things that make me happy.

For those of you who read my wallow (now deleted) blog, forgive me for faltering from my path.  I am allowed the occasional weakness, 'kay?  =)

I shall end this Christmas Eve blog with some of the lyrics from the Sunshine Song.   Even if you do not like Jason Mraz, read the words.  Absorb the meaning.  

You should look as good as your outlook.
Would you mind if I took some time, to soak up your light, your beautiful light?
You’ve got a paradise inside.
I get hungry for love and thirsty for life,
Much too full of the pain, ‘cause when I look to the sky to help me,
It most always looks like rain.

...

You’re undeniably warm, cerulean, you’re perfect in design.
I hope you’ll hang around,
so the sun it can shine on,
And the clouds they can roll away,
And the sky can become our possibility.
There’s a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.

Merry Christmas!  Christmas is about love, new beginnings, family, joy and happiness.  Share it with everyone you see.

And on a selfish note, my letter to Santa remains partially unanswered.  =)  If you see the jolly Elf, remind him how good I've been this year.

Can't Buy Me Love?

Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right
'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love

I'll give you all I've got to give
If you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give
But what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love

When I have the financial means to do so, I love to buy things for the people I care about.  I love getting to know someone so well that if I'm in a store and see something that reminds me of them, I can buy it and try to make them smile.  I get great pleasure out of giving.

However, there is a bit of a dark side to it that I suspect has to do a little bit with trying to buy love and affection.  I worry sometimes that my personality, character and self aren't enough to make friends and keep them so I tend to go overboard with showering them with gifts to try to buy myself their fondness. 

I also have a hard time expressing how I feel sometimes and it's easier for me to give someone a gift and hope that they realize that when I give the gift, I'm actually giving a part of me.  It's like the little school kid who passes the "I like you.  Do you like me?" note in school and then avoids eye contact when the note is passed back.  I wait with bated breath for the look of pleased surprise and genuine gratitude.  Once I see it, I know I did okay and that maybe I'm liked just a little bit.

I learned this from my parents.  Surprise, shock, dismay, right?

My parents were not very affectionate growing up.  I think I may have mentioned this before.  After 170 blog posts, I can't remember.   When we were little, there were the expected cuddles and kisses that mothers give their children.  But, as we grew older, the cuddles and kisses became fewer and farther between.  My dad was not that affectionate.  He was a pretty stoic man.  Former military.  Former school of hard knocks.  He was more prone to rough-housing, joking and goofing off than hugging and kissing.  (Hmmmm.... wonder where I get it from??)

My mom liked to buy us things to show us how she felt.  If she had recently thrown a temper tantrum and had said mean things to us, she'd buy us something.  She didn't have much money, but she found a way to get us something.  Nothing expensive.  A dollar store toy.  But, it worked.  If we did well in school, something else.  Birthdays, holidays - those were expected.  Sadly, however, my mom expected gushing gratitude and proper praise for every thing she gave us.  If we didn't express joy over the items, she would get mad and then later, remind us how much money she spent on us.  My dad was the same way.  He'd buy us something, then tell us how much it cost.  He loved to point out that his clothing and shoes came from discount stores and thrift stores and that he didn't pay the big bucks for name-brand stuff.  Both my mom and dad were really good with the guilt-trip.

Gifts came with emotional price tags in addition to the real price tags.  It got to the point that I didn't want to take anything from them because I knew there would be fallout later.

Luckily, I did not inherit that nastiness.  I have no desire to tell someone how much something cost or try to make them feel guilty or beholden to me because I bought them or gave them something.  

However, I did inherit the desire to substitute words of love and caring with things.  If I hurt your feelings, I give you something.  If I want to get to know you better, I give you something.  If I like you, I give you something.  If I love you, I give you something.  If I think you need a hug, I give you something.  If you did something that deserves recognition and praise, yup, I buy you something.  When money is tight, I make you something.  I have this compulsion to give you something tangible that says what I feel.  Words can be ignored and forgotten.  With "something", I can say, "See, see that crystal snowglobe with the little skyline of ...  Berlin...  I got that just for you!!"

I know this is not a bad trait to have and those who benefit from it seem to appreciate it and enjoy it.  However, I wish I had the courage and confidence sometimes (and I'm working on it) to be able to say what I'm feeling instead of trying to "show" it through gifts.

Strangely enough, I'm not someone who expects anything in return.  I gave something to someone recently and got a hug out of it and it shocked me because I'm not used to that kind of response.  I think I tensed up and then made a joke out of it.  Bad response.  Damn my parents.  The hug was nice.  We all need more hugs in the world.

On Sunday, I won $500 on a scratch off lottery ticket.   A total luck thing.  I had bought the tickets to give as gifts to co-workers and friends who are participating in secret santa type exchanges at work.  I had 8 people I needed to get stuff for.  So, I bought 10 tickets at a local grocery store.  I had all 8 stockings/gift bags lined up on the kitchen counter and went down the line, putting a ticket in each one.  I had two left.  One was a $500 winner.  I could have easily put that ticket in one of the gift bags and one of my co-workers would have had a really nice Christmas. 

I've told the story to several people and the responses have been varied.  Some people said it was my payback for being such a generous person.  Some have said that they would have been mad if they had given it to someone else and found out they won.  One said he'd share the money with me.  One said that they were surprised I didn't go back and scratch the other 8.   I cashed the ticket and bought a $20 raffle ticket for a New Year's Day drawing for $1 million.  I put the rest into savings.

So... come January 1, when I win the big bucks, I guess a few of you will find out exactly how much I love you.  =)  

I'd better start practicing my hugging.  Maybe you should, too.

When I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Last night I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no
I lay awake and watched until the mornin' light
Washed away the darkness of the lonely night (lonely night)

This is a blog about sleeping.  It's not about my love life.  It's not about my friends. It's not about winning the lottery.  It's about the simplest human function we have - sleep.

Sleep is a frenemy of mine.  I love it and hate it at the same time... and I think the feeling is mutual.

I've always had issues with sleep, dating back to when I was a small child.  I could not go to sleep on command.  I remember that my mom had to rock me to sleep when I was a toddler.  Hell, I think she still did it when I was in first grade, to be honest.  

I also could not stay in my bed. I did not like being alone. I would crawl out of my bed and crawl into bed between my mom and dad.  My mom used to complain all the time about waking up with my knee in her back because she slept on her side and my dad slept on his side, and there I was, lying on my back with my legs open and my knees bent, soles of my feet together, like a frog.  A very odd sleeping position.  I'm happy to report I no longer sleep like this.  That could be a hard one to explain to people. 

At night, I would lie in bed and stare up at the bottom of my brother's bunk bed and whisper his name.  "Are you awake?"  If he would answer, I would talk to him about anything and nothing until I fell asleep.  When he got older and moved out of the room, I used to sleep with a little radio under my pillow and fall asleep listening to it.

I used to have really bad dreams when I was a kid.  My bedroom was next to the furnace and I would have dreams that the trailer caught on fire and I couldn't get out because the furnace was the source of the fire and my bedroom window didn't open wide enough for me to crawl out.  They were those two part windows that tilted open when you turned a crank on the window sill.  Very 70s mobile home.

I was also afraid of the dark and slept with a night light until I left for college. 

So, I'm not quite sure why sleep is such an issue for me as an adult.  

I love it.  I love winding down, taking a shower and crawling into bed.  I love turning on my side and hugging my pillow to me and inhaling the scent of my lavender vanilla lotion on my skin and GAIN detergent on my linens.  I love dreaming.  

For some reason, though, I have the hardest time just falling asleep.  I read a statistic once that said that the average human falls asleep within 7 minutes of crawling into bed.  Not me.  I have to go to bed an entire hour before I actually want to fall asleep in order to try to be asleep by a certain time.  My brain doesn't just shut off.  I daydream about things.  I rehash things in my head.  I think about work.  I think about things I wish I had the guts to say to people.  I fantasize about things.  I create little stories in my head based on the game of "What if..."   What if I did win the lottery.... who would I call? would I give two weeks' notice?  What if I did meet someone?  Would I want happily ever after?  Or am I a statistic waiting to happen?  What if I am really really successful with weight loss again?  Will it make me happier?  Why do I try so hard to be something I am not just to fit in with a societal stance on what is attractive?  What if the one I want wanted me too?  What would I do if...  On and on and on.  Sometimes, I think of things from the past.  Sometimes, I think of things I want to do with the future.  Sometimes, I engage Abby in a game of cat and mouse under the covers and wish I was one of the lucky ones who can just go to sleep, like she can.  She just flops down, closes her eyes and goes to sleep.

Once I'm asleep, I'm usually good for the night.  Usually.  However, if something wakes me up, I'm usually up for the rest of the night -- until about an hour before the alarm goes off and then I feel sleepy again and fall asleep, only to be rudely awakened by the alarm clock.  I wake up exhausted and worn out.

I hate getting out of bed.  I always want "5 more minutes."  At one point, I changed the time on my alarm clock to about 30 minutes ahead just so I could hit the snooze three times before getting up and getting ready for work.

On the weekends, I love dawdling in bed.  Sometimes, I set the alarm just to turn it off and go back to sleep.

Napping is a nice treat.  For some reason, I can fall asleep pretty quickly if it's a nap.  It's odd.  My mind just shuts down and I'm out like a light.   I need to find a life where I can sleep when I want to and not be tied to a specific bed time and wake time.  I think I'd probably be a cat-napper.  Sleeping in bouts of a few hours here and there throughout the day.   Someone once told me that it was my creative spirit -- that creative types have similar sleep habits.  

I've tried sleeping pills.  They left me feeling cotton headed and groggy.

I've tried aromatherapy.  I usually get distracted by the smells.

I had a calming water feature.  It made me want to pee.

I even got rid of my electric alarm clock for awhile because I read that EMF waves can interrupt sleep.

I stopped doing non-sleep activities in bed --- like watching tv, reading, computer, talking on the phone.

 

Still, my battle with sleep continues.   I'm like a child.  I don't want to go to sleep because it means that the new day will come and the longer I put off going to sleep, the longer the new day will stay away.  At least, I think that's what my body is doing.  Which tells me I probably need something a little more exciting in my day so that I actually want to go to bed at night so that I can get up the next day.  There have been days where I couldn't wait to go to bed because the next day held opportunities, excitement and potential - like a kid at Christmas.  Those were some of my best sleeping nights.

I've been thinking a lot about sleep disorders.  I have some friends who share similar issues.  I'm thinking we should all form a support group where we can all meet when we can't sleep and talk about our lives until we fall asleep. Take turns at each other's houses so that there is a bed nearby as soon as we get sleepy.  Grown up slumber parties.

Either that or I need to make more friends in time zones that are either hours ahead of me or hours behind me so that when I can't sleep, I can try to find them and hang out with them until I get sleepy.

Hmmm...   wonder if there is website for insomniacs to meet other insomniacs?  At least there'd be no confusion about whether or not "I want to sleep with you" means "I want to have sex" or if it really means "I want to slumber."  There'd be no slumber.  

Hmmmmm.....  I think I just found a perk to being an irregular sleeper.

It's A Confidence Thing

Stopped me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it?
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Confidence is a powerful thing.

If you lose it, you lose a bit of yourself. Not having it can make you feel like crap, make you make careless mistakes, make you say things you don't mean to say and do things you wouldn't normally do.  It's like a snowball effect. Or a ripple in a lake.  You don't realize how much having your self-esteem knicked can affect so many things until you have the opportunity to get it back and realize how powerful it really is.

All you need is something, anything to boost it and it rebounds.  It grows.  It's like a match to your inner pilot light.  Strike the match and poof the inner light grows and grows and spreads warmth through your soul.

My confidence was shaken recently.  My self-esteem took some punches.  I crawled into a hole in my soul and sort of shut out all good things.  Walls went up.  Defenses went up. Mood got wonky. I kind of stopped trusting.  Stopped hoping.  Stopped caring.

Then, recently, a friend... a very intuitive and helpful friend... helped me comb through some things happening in my life and helped reassure me that if I keep my head, keep doing the right thing and keep trusting my own intuition, I should be okay.  She also helped me analyze some vibes/feelings that were confusing me about another person in my life and although she didn't say the exact words I wanted to hear, she did confirm some things I had been thinking and feeling, sensing... and it helps me understand that person and my own reactions to that person better.

It's almost like being told a secret.  A secret that only you know.  A secret that will help you not get crazy trying to figure out if "it's me".  

So, I'm feeling a lot better about things.  My confidence is growing and I am feeling this subtle power inside.  I am not over-analyzing the actions of certain people around me and have sort of adopted this "it is what it is" mentality.  I KNOW who is on my side and I am trusting myself and my inner feelings about those people.  I'm working to build stronger relationships with those people who can be in my corner and be on my side.  I'm also avoiding the toxic people and trusting my inner voice that has been warning me all along to stop giving them second and third chances to hurt me and have negative influence over me.

This little light of mine is burning.  I hope it becomes a wildfire that spreads and spreads. 

I want it to become brighter than the sun.