Can't Buy Me Love?

Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right
'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love

I'll give you all I've got to give
If you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give
But what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love

When I have the financial means to do so, I love to buy things for the people I care about.  I love getting to know someone so well that if I'm in a store and see something that reminds me of them, I can buy it and try to make them smile.  I get great pleasure out of giving.

However, there is a bit of a dark side to it that I suspect has to do a little bit with trying to buy love and affection.  I worry sometimes that my personality, character and self aren't enough to make friends and keep them so I tend to go overboard with showering them with gifts to try to buy myself their fondness. 

I also have a hard time expressing how I feel sometimes and it's easier for me to give someone a gift and hope that they realize that when I give the gift, I'm actually giving a part of me.  It's like the little school kid who passes the "I like you.  Do you like me?" note in school and then avoids eye contact when the note is passed back.  I wait with bated breath for the look of pleased surprise and genuine gratitude.  Once I see it, I know I did okay and that maybe I'm liked just a little bit.

I learned this from my parents.  Surprise, shock, dismay, right?

My parents were not very affectionate growing up.  I think I may have mentioned this before.  After 170 blog posts, I can't remember.   When we were little, there were the expected cuddles and kisses that mothers give their children.  But, as we grew older, the cuddles and kisses became fewer and farther between.  My dad was not that affectionate.  He was a pretty stoic man.  Former military.  Former school of hard knocks.  He was more prone to rough-housing, joking and goofing off than hugging and kissing.  (Hmmmm.... wonder where I get it from??)

My mom liked to buy us things to show us how she felt.  If she had recently thrown a temper tantrum and had said mean things to us, she'd buy us something.  She didn't have much money, but she found a way to get us something.  Nothing expensive.  A dollar store toy.  But, it worked.  If we did well in school, something else.  Birthdays, holidays - those were expected.  Sadly, however, my mom expected gushing gratitude and proper praise for every thing she gave us.  If we didn't express joy over the items, she would get mad and then later, remind us how much money she spent on us.  My dad was the same way.  He'd buy us something, then tell us how much it cost.  He loved to point out that his clothing and shoes came from discount stores and thrift stores and that he didn't pay the big bucks for name-brand stuff.  Both my mom and dad were really good with the guilt-trip.

Gifts came with emotional price tags in addition to the real price tags.  It got to the point that I didn't want to take anything from them because I knew there would be fallout later.

Luckily, I did not inherit that nastiness.  I have no desire to tell someone how much something cost or try to make them feel guilty or beholden to me because I bought them or gave them something.  

However, I did inherit the desire to substitute words of love and caring with things.  If I hurt your feelings, I give you something.  If I want to get to know you better, I give you something.  If I like you, I give you something.  If I love you, I give you something.  If I think you need a hug, I give you something.  If you did something that deserves recognition and praise, yup, I buy you something.  When money is tight, I make you something.  I have this compulsion to give you something tangible that says what I feel.  Words can be ignored and forgotten.  With "something", I can say, "See, see that crystal snowglobe with the little skyline of ...  Berlin...  I got that just for you!!"

I know this is not a bad trait to have and those who benefit from it seem to appreciate it and enjoy it.  However, I wish I had the courage and confidence sometimes (and I'm working on it) to be able to say what I'm feeling instead of trying to "show" it through gifts.

Strangely enough, I'm not someone who expects anything in return.  I gave something to someone recently and got a hug out of it and it shocked me because I'm not used to that kind of response.  I think I tensed up and then made a joke out of it.  Bad response.  Damn my parents.  The hug was nice.  We all need more hugs in the world.

On Sunday, I won $500 on a scratch off lottery ticket.   A total luck thing.  I had bought the tickets to give as gifts to co-workers and friends who are participating in secret santa type exchanges at work.  I had 8 people I needed to get stuff for.  So, I bought 10 tickets at a local grocery store.  I had all 8 stockings/gift bags lined up on the kitchen counter and went down the line, putting a ticket in each one.  I had two left.  One was a $500 winner.  I could have easily put that ticket in one of the gift bags and one of my co-workers would have had a really nice Christmas. 

I've told the story to several people and the responses have been varied.  Some people said it was my payback for being such a generous person.  Some have said that they would have been mad if they had given it to someone else and found out they won.  One said he'd share the money with me.  One said that they were surprised I didn't go back and scratch the other 8.   I cashed the ticket and bought a $20 raffle ticket for a New Year's Day drawing for $1 million.  I put the rest into savings.

So... come January 1, when I win the big bucks, I guess a few of you will find out exactly how much I love you.  =)  

I'd better start practicing my hugging.  Maybe you should, too.