What About Me?

I, I got a new life
You would hardly recognize me
I'm so glad
Why would a person like me care for you
Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Ooooooo
Is enough enough

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign 

So, someone who reads my blog messaged me today and told me she liked yesterday's blog about how I should have known better about the men in my life.  She then said, "So, what about you?"  I wrote back, "What do you mean?"  She said, "Why don't you write a blog about how men can know that they don't stand a chance with you?"  I laughed to myself and wrote her back, "If he's breathing, he stands a chance."  She wrote me that it's not true and that some men might find it useful.  I told her, "Sure, if men read my blog."

Show of hands... how many single men are there reading my blog?  (crickets)  Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anyhow, to appease my friend, here is a blog about tips for the guy who wonders if he's my guy. Or could be my guy.  I'll follow the same format as yesterday's blog.

Signs You May Never See Me Naked (or get your name doodled on my to-do list when I'm supposed to be working...)

1. Dude, bro, man, guy, buddy or pal.   I don't use any of these tags with people.  However, if I call you "babe" or "honey", I probably don't see you romantically.  I know, I know.  Babe and Honey are typical terms of endearment.  I do use them endearingly on occasion.  However, when I like someone (or am considering liking someone) I just can't call them babe or honey.  I have a lot of friends I care for whom I do call babe or honey.  I like them a lot.  Just not romantically.  I'm odd, I know.  I might slip up and use them on a one-off basis.  Like, "Nice job, babe!"  Or "Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear that..."  But not on a regular basis.  Not if I want you to think up your own romantic terms of endearment later.

2. George Michael, Ricky Martin, Ryan Seacrest or Justin Bieber. If I tell you that I admire any of these men, the good news is that they are harmless and it's probably because they dress nice, sing nice, have great hair or something.  I do not like to rattle off celebrities I think are hot.  I don't want you to tell me you find some skeleton wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie hot.  Therefore, if I'm interested in you, I will not tell you how hot I think some actor du jour is.  I might tell you about my 30+ year crush on Rick Springfield, but not because I want you to be Rick Springfield.  Mostly to show you that I can be loyal to one man for over 30 years.  If I do tell you that I "like" a celebrity or that I think someone else is hot, then I don't see you as a romantic contender.  I see you as someone who may or may not agree with me.  Oh, however, if there is a celebrity who sort of looks like you or acts like you, I might say, "Oh, I really like this guy" in hopes that you will see yourself in him and think, "Gosh, I bet she thinks I'm dandy, too." 

3. My mom, my brother, my grandmother or my 4th grade teacher. If I don't tell you about them at all, I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  I don't like to talk about my family (or my past) that much (shocker, I know, considering I do write about them in my blog).  My family is dysfunctional.  I am not my family.  So, if I tell you about them then I've invited you into my circle of trust and want to prepare you for the rare possibility that you may meet them some day.  Well, ok, my grandmothers are dead so that probably won't happen.  However, my mom and brother (and both 4th grade teachers) are alive and well.  Just don't go anywhere near SW PA.  If I ask about yours, this is a good sign I'm interested in you, too.  Mostly because I hope to hear you come from a dysfunctional family too.

4. My ex.  If I tell you about my ex, it'll probably be prefaced or followed by some bit of wisdom like "It wasn't meant to be.  It's over. I've moved on."  If I do tell you, it's probably to show you that I was capable of having some sort of relationship in my past.  If I'm interested in you romantically, I may even point out all of the awesome things you do that are so totally opposite of the ex(es).  I may even secretly hope you'll say something like, "His loss."  or "He didn't deserve you."  I may even mock my bad taste and bad luck in hopes that you'll say something that shows me you're not like him/them.  However, if I go into great great detail from how we met, how he dressed, how he smelled or how we broke up, the kids I wanted to name after him and/or how I wanted him to develop some flesh eating disorder after we broke up, then I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  Too much information.  Too much negative information.  Disclaimer:  if you read it here, it's not the same as me telling you directly so you still might have a chance.   If I ask you about your ex, I just want to hear that you have moved on.  I watch for body language that indicates that you are hurt, still in love or bitter.  If I see signs of these things and don't think they are easily dealt with, I'll probably start calling you honey and ask you if want to go to the Justin Bieber concert, which I'll probably tell you at some point was my ex's favorite singer.

5. Nicknames for genitalia.  I do not have a nickname for my genitalia.  It is what it is.  It has a function.  Please, please, please do not tell me you have a nickname for yours until our, um, 10th anniversary.  The only exception is if it is named Ralph after the book FOREVER by Judy Blume and you are saying it to be witty and literary.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have the book I can lend you. It's a cute thing.)

6. Bodily functions.  I don't want to know you crap.  I don't.  I know it happens.  I don't want to smell it, see it or discuss it.  I might tell you I have to pee on occasion.  I tell everyone.  I think it came from working with small children who liked to announce that they have to pee.  However, if I excuse myself while we're together and am gone for awhile, yeah, we're probably not going to make out in front of Abby anytime soon.  That's a line I don't like to cross.  I once held back pee (and only pee) for several hours while I was with a guy because I just did not want to use the bathroom in his presence.  I didn't want him to see me as human, I guess. 

7.  My friends. If I never mention my friends (the friends we don't have in common, assuming we have some in common) to you, I'm probably not interested in you and have no intention of introducing you to them.  If I tell you about my friends (and assuming none of the other rules have come into play -- like calling you honey often, using your bathroom and teasing you about your penis' nickname), then I may hope you will meet them some day.  If I tell you how you'd be perfect for one of them, however, I am not interested in you.... or I could be testing you... to see if you are interested in them.  Nah, just kidding.  I don't roll like that.

8. Texting. I like to talk.  I love watching facial expressions and body language.  I love watching lips move and hearing the sound of the male voice.  I like intonation, inflection and all of those other words that describe the beauty and magic of the human vocal ability.  However, I love written words, too.  I like emails and texts, if they are appropriate and well-placed.  I've heard of sexting.  I've heard of drunk texting.  I've done neither but I think I'd be interested in both at some point.  So, if I ask you to put the phone down, or to give me a call, or to meet me to talk, I'm probably interested in you.  If I never do those things and freely give you my AIM screen name and cell phone number, then I'm probably just looking for someone to pass time with every now and then.  If I find ways/reasons for us to talk, I'm probably interested in you (unless I'm doing something that has to be done via talking -- like an interview or training or dictation.)  I don't mind that you sometimes say what can't or don't feel comfortable saying via text.  I just don't want everything to be by text.  "I love you" should be spoken not texted, unless you have laryngitis.  (I'm guilty of using text when I should have called.  We all have our moments and sometimes, it's easy to hide behind technology.  Safer.)

9. My "friend".  If I call a guy a friend, I'm not a cliched 80s song by Biz Markie.  He really is just a friend.  Now, true, friends can sometimes become more than friends.  I dig that.  I'm down with that.  If anyone has read my "wallow" blogs before I got all chickensh*t and deleted them, you know I'm prone to such fantasies.  However, if I am seeing someone romantically, I don't say "he's just a friend."  I say, "He's someone I'm seeing...."  Yes, he could also be a friend, but I'll never qualify with "just a", as if to make it obvious he's nothing more.  It's assumed in my life that if a guy is a friend, he's a friend.  If he's more, he's more.  So, if I call you friend over and over and over and over while you are texting me "Do U want 2 go out?", I might not be interested.  However, if I say yes and we go out and then I introduce you to someone later, I'll just use your name.  I promise I won't call you "my friend" during introductions unless that is all you are.

10.  "Is everything ok?"  I will ask you this if I care about you, romantically, as a friend, as a co-worker.  It doesn't matter.  I care about how people feel.  I can't use this one as a disqualifier for romance.  It's not in my nature to "NOT" care.

10*. (since the one above didn't count.)  "Other men".  If I mention other men to you and ask "what should I do?", I'm probably not interested in you romantically.  However, if I just mention other men to you, it probably falls into one of two categories.  They are friends and I'm sharing info about friends.  Or, I want to see if mentioning them will inspire you to tell me that I can do better, that they suck or that you could rock my world far better than they could. If I'm mentioning the other man's failings, I'm probably trying to see if you have similar failings or will side with him.  (Note:  always side with the woman you might be interested in.) Of course, I could just be making conversation.  I could be into you or might someday be into you and this is the only thing going on in my life right now worth mentioning.  I could be nervous that I like you and am using the other man as a shield.  I get skerred too.

11.  Public Displays of Affection. I know movies and books trick us into thinking that we'll touch someone and sparks will fly ... or that we'll kiss and know immediately....  however, I know from experience that I've had some awkward touches and kisses in the past that if I had used them to base my sole experience with a person, I never would have gotten to know a couple of great people.

I get nervous when I touch someone I'm interested in.  Too much expectation.  Too many insecurities.  I can hug the sh*t out of people I don't need to worry about whether or not they felt my rolls of fat.  However, put me within 6 inches of someone I'm attracted to and I'm immediately wishing for heavy duty Spanx, and stronger deodorant (not because I stink, but because I'm nervous).

I've rambled.

Hmmmm.....  so, I hope this makes my friend happy.

Truly -- I try to give everyone a fair shake.  I've been on the receiving end of "he's just not that into you" too many times to have black and white rules for when romance will or will not bloom.

I realize that just because you may exhibit some of the "correct" responses to my situations above, it doesn't mean you are into me.  I just threw this list together to point out some of my habits.  It has to be the "perfect storm."  And I also realize that things have a way of creating their own rules.  Someone I "honey" to death today may end up being someone I don't want to "honey" that way any more, and vice versa.  It is what it is. 


Seriously, don't let this list daunt you (who am I kidding?  I've heard crickets the entire time I wrote this) if you think you might be interested in me.  Also, keep in mind that this list is "as of right now".  I'm a woman.  I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. =)

You're breathing? You're over your ex?  Your "friend" doesn't do it for you anymore?

That's a beginning.  Call me.  Or text me.  I'm cool.