Reflections on 2011

Time, time, time
See what's become of me

Time, time, time
See what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please

2011 is almost over.  Today is the last day of the year.  I usually spend this day doing a massive "purge" around the house -- cleaning out cupboards, medicine cabinets, the "junk drawer" in the kitchen.  Out with the old and in with the new.

However, I wasn't feeling well today and took it fairly easy.  I did venture outside -- in short-sleeves to a 65 degree day -- this afternoon to get my eyebrows and fingernails done.  I also ventured to the mall to try to scoop up some deals at Bath and Body Works.  Now, I'm relaxing and watching movies on television.  A nice peaceful night.  A good ending, I guess, to a year that has had some bumps.

2010 absolutely sucked.  I don't have the "Note" I posted to Facebook last January (I deleted it from FB) recalling 2010 and setting my goals for 2011, but I seem to recall saying that anything had to be better than 2010.

2011 started out kind of iffy.  Residual bad energy from 2010, I guess.  I don't know.  I wasn't me.  I wasn't in a good mood.  I had a co-worker who was bullying me (but out of the sights of others) and there was nothing I could do about it because she was friends with my manager and always seemed to be one step ahead of me.  She said a lot of mean things and did some underhanded things, but because I was kind of submissive and afraid of her, I let her.  She would say things to my manager about me that were supposed to sound "well meaning" but weren't.  She would make comments to me about my weight.  She would ask me stuff about my life in what I thought was an attempt to bond, then use it against me later in insults and backhanded compliments.  Then, she quit in the spring and I felt very relieved.  Her last ditch effort to slam me was to tell my manager that she was resigning because she couldn't deal to work with me because I was so negative and unhappy, but the irony was that SHE was the reason why I was so unhappy and negative.

I started to look for a new job late spring and last May actually got an offer.  I was very close to accepting it but at the last minute, my gut told me not to.  (Good thing, too, because I understand that the position I had been about to accept was eliminated recently and I would have spent the holidays unemployed.)  

I got a new co-worker in May.  A male co-worker who has the same sense of humor as me, the same mind-set and similar outlook on many things.  It was so refreshing to have someone I could get along with, laugh with and be myself with, without worrying that he was going to undermine me, use me, insult me or try to get me fired.  My outlook improved dramatically.  I actually started to enjoy going to work because it was like having a partner in crime.  I'm very grateful for this friendship.  I trust him and feel like I can tell him anything, which to his chagrin, I usually do.  He makes me laugh and I know I can count on him for a decent intelligent conversation, with correct grammar.  I also can count on him to get my sarcasm and to not answer my rhetorical questions.  It's not often you meet someone who has the sense of humor/mind connection.  I have a tendency to want to keep people who have it when I find it.  (Now, if I could find someone like him in the romance department, life would be dandy.)

My role within the department changed a little in the summer and I became more involved in new hire training.  I was telling one of the new hires dating horror stories in early June and she told me that I should write them down, that they were funny, and that she thought people would enjoy reading them.  I told her I used to write a blog but got away from it.  She suggested that I start again.  So, I rebirthed my blog mid-summer.  To date, including the few weeks of blogs I wrote in sucky 2010, I have written 174 blog posts.  I believe close to 140 of them just from July to present.  I love writing.  I love hearing that my blog makes people think and makes people laugh.  I love that people tell me that I write like I talk and that when they are reading this blog, it's like having me tell them stories.  I like that when I'm old and gray, I'll have some of my memories captured for my cats to read.

I made several friends through my involvement in new hire training.  One of the groups that started in October, whom I affectionately call the peeps (as in "these are my peeps"), really bonded with me.  We have gone out for drinks a couple of times and I really enjoy these ladies.  They are smart, funny, low-drama and we don't talk about work when we go out. 

My friend Dorrie came in September to visit.  Enjoyed adult beverages. Discovered I hate driving.  Really hate driving.

I checked something off of my bucket list - seeing Jason Mraz in concert.  LOVED that concert.  Love Jason Mraz.  So positive.  Colbie Caillat was with him.  They make a great team.

Went to Vegas and got to see and touch an Elvis impersonator.  Love me some Elvis.

Got to to go to DC for the first time and spend time with some friends.  Got to see Guy Fieri and reconnect with an old college friend, too.

I lost 40 lbs on a weight loss challenge at work and kept it off.  

I asked 2 guys out.  They turned me down, but at least I tried. Their loss. Made up my mind that I'm not doing any more "first moves".  Ever. Again. I'm worth the chase.  I'm worth the commitment.

I've been improving my self-esteem on a regular basis.  Working on my instincts, confidence and attractiveness.

I started a new project for my part time work at home job which introduced me to some like-minded people whom I have fun emailing and chatting with.  The project has also helped me pay for gifts and chocolate for co-workers, as well as myself. Sadly, work is scarce and I'm looking for something new.  A winning lottery ticket will resolve that issue.

I won $500 on a scratcher.

I bought a Garmin and a Kindle Fire and kept both.  Maybe my fear of committing to expensive technology is waning.  Could be that my fear of emotional commitment will soon wane as well.

When I weigh the good with the bad, 2011 wasn't all bad.  I've had issues with friends, disappointments and bruises to my heart, but aside from the first 4 months of the year, I think I can live with how 2011 turned out.

I truly believe things happen for a reason and people happen for a reason and 2011 was a definite example of that.  If I had taken that job in May, I wouldn't have met the cool co-worker or the peeps.  I wouldn't have been encouraged to start blogging again.  I wouldn't have played pool for the first time.  I wouldn't have done karaoke for the first time.  I probably wouldn't have won the $500 because I wouldn't have been buying lottery tickets for my co-workers.  If I hadn't gotten confused about some feelings I was having about someone in my life, I wouldn't have sought advice from a fake pyschic.  I wouldn't have blogged about it and I wouldn't have had an old friend reach out to me to offer advice.  My confidence level would not have rebounded and I would not have drawn more people to me at work and in life.

The world works in mysterious ways.  I only hope that the people who have impacted me this year have been impacted by me in some small way and that I make it to their list of "good things" for 2011.

On a sad note, three friends left Earth this year -  much too soon and much too early.  RIP Courtney, Heather and Betty.  My uncle Bill also died.  He was 81.

Now, 2012.

My goals for this year are fairly simple:

• Lose weight.  I'm tired of being invisible. You'd think someone my size would not use the word invisible but I am.  I'm the "little buddy" that men tell their woes to, goof off with and ask to go shopping.  I like being friends with guys.  However, I'm tired of not being seen a serious contender in the relationship/dating race.  It's like I don't have feelings.  "She's fat.  She couldn't possibly want to be dated."  Screw that.  This is the year that all changes.
• Take more risks.
• Be open to magical moments, wherever and whenever they happen.
• Never settle.  In love, in work, in life.  Settling is easy.  I'd rather have a few tear-stained pillowcases than a lifetime of "comfortable."

Happy New Year!   Make it the best you can make it! 

If you are reading this, thank you for being part of 2011~