You Were Meant For Me

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

"I know a guy who is perfect for you!"

Those words strike fear into my soul every time I hear them.  It's the opening line for a well-meaning friend who wants to initiate a well-intended fix up.  I've been on the receiving end of that statement several times in my dating life.

It never goes well.  I don't know why I even listen.  I should revert to childhood tactics of covering my ears and humming and saying, "I can't hear you" as soon as I even sense the words are about to come out of someone's mouth.

I know the friend always means well.  I do.  But, the fix up never does well.  (See very early summer blog about finding treasure about another disastrous fix up.)  In the end, I always wonder what made the person so "perfect" for me (other than he was human and I was human and we were both single.)  Then, I wonder what mixed messages I must be giving out to my friends if they are so dead wrong with finding someone for me. (Not that I want my friends actively seeking someone for me.)

That said, in the event any of you are thinking of stuffing "Mr. Right" into my stocking this Christmas, I thought I'd pass along some helpful shopping tips.  Just a little pre-Christmas gift from me to you to help you out before you tell me, "I have the perfect guy for you."

1.  Sense of Humor.  Yes.  I have one.  Yes, I require that "the one" has one.  However, there's a fine line between having a sense of humor and having a sense of humor that gets my sense of humor.  I'm sarcastic.  Droll.  Punny. Deadpan at times.  Raunchy, at times.  He has to be able to tell the difference between when I'm joking, when I'm being observant, when I'm asking a rhetorical question and when I'm just making conversation.  It's a fine art.  I also like a man who can make me laugh -- really laugh -- and not by quoting some skit or routine he saw on the Comedy Channel.

2. Grammar and punctuation.  I consider myself fairly intelligent and well-spoken.  I have killer communication skills.  The occasional "oops, I typed too fast" boo boo is fine.  However, if I feel like I need an interpreter and lexicon to decipher what he's trying to say, he's not for me.  I'm not afraid to require a sentence diagramming test for our first date.  I'm just saying.

3.  Clothing.  Must be clean and fashionable.  Maybe it comes from liking (um... "liking") too many gay men in my past, but I like a guy who know how to dress.  I also like a guy who knows how to dress down, too.  I do not like baggy pants.  I do not like t-shirts with logos or witty sayings.  Belly shirts, mesh shirts, wife beaters and spandex are no-nos, too.  I want a man who is confident in his appearance.  And, for crying out loud, sneakers and khakis worn at the same time do not a good fashion statement make.

4.  Trivia.  I love love love useless information.  That does not mean that I want a guy to spout statistics at me or tell me the going rate for copper pennies just because he knows that.  I need the well-placed, appropriate bits of trivia.  Now, if we're visiting the Mint and he wants to tell me about pennies, faboo, have at it.  However, if we're out to dinner and the bill just came and he looks at it and then tells me how much a penny minted before 1982 is worth, that tells me that he's thinking he can't afford dinner.  I want someone who can go toe to toe, however, in a game of 80s Trivial Pursuit.  Maybe even be willing to wager money on it.

5.  Dorky.  I like a guy who isn't afraid to be a little dorky, geeky, weird or nerdy on occasion.  Now, I'm not saying I want a backwards, socially inept Sheldon Cooper type.  I'm saying I think brains are sexy.  Show me his IQ.  Show me that he can fix something.  Tell me that he thought up a new use for old paper clips last night while he was trying to fall asleep.  Get him to make up a song about something silly.  Get him to admit to me that he still has the Kermit the Frog doll he got when he was 6 or that he's afraid of the dark -- or chickens -- or the color orange.  Something totally unique and adorkable.

6.  My Blog.   He has to be willing to read it.  He doesn't have to love it, but that will get him bonus points.  I put a lot of me into this blog and if he's willing to read it, then I know he can appreciate things that are important to me. It shows he's interested in what makes me tick.  I'd like to know he's curious about me. Interested. Wouldn't you want a cheat sheet about someone? I've been told I'm funny and interesting.  It's not a boring read.  Heck, he may learn a thing or two about me that might impress him. Or scare him.  Either way, it's an education.

7.  Lastly, because 7 seems like a nice lucky number...  hobbies.  He needs to have some.  He needs to get out of the house.  He needs to get sunlight.  (Unless he's a vampire and if that's the case, I'm not really that interested in the whole Twilight fantasy.)  He needs to have friends to go do things with... and I don't mean his parents or brothers and sisters.  He has to be able to tell me that he's done something with someone recently.  It's a great conversation starter and a way for me to determine if we have anything in common.

So.....  tempted to tell me that you have the perfect guy for me?  Huh?

Yeah, that's what I thought.  

That's ok.  I have faith.  He's out there.  Maybe making his own list at this moment for his own friends and it sounds a lot like mine.  (Only, replacing the "He" with "She".  I can't do the gay guy thing again.)