When I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Last night I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no
I lay awake and watched until the mornin' light
Washed away the darkness of the lonely night (lonely night)

This is a blog about sleeping.  It's not about my love life.  It's not about my friends. It's not about winning the lottery.  It's about the simplest human function we have - sleep.

Sleep is a frenemy of mine.  I love it and hate it at the same time... and I think the feeling is mutual.

I've always had issues with sleep, dating back to when I was a small child.  I could not go to sleep on command.  I remember that my mom had to rock me to sleep when I was a toddler.  Hell, I think she still did it when I was in first grade, to be honest.  

I also could not stay in my bed. I did not like being alone. I would crawl out of my bed and crawl into bed between my mom and dad.  My mom used to complain all the time about waking up with my knee in her back because she slept on her side and my dad slept on his side, and there I was, lying on my back with my legs open and my knees bent, soles of my feet together, like a frog.  A very odd sleeping position.  I'm happy to report I no longer sleep like this.  That could be a hard one to explain to people. 

At night, I would lie in bed and stare up at the bottom of my brother's bunk bed and whisper his name.  "Are you awake?"  If he would answer, I would talk to him about anything and nothing until I fell asleep.  When he got older and moved out of the room, I used to sleep with a little radio under my pillow and fall asleep listening to it.

I used to have really bad dreams when I was a kid.  My bedroom was next to the furnace and I would have dreams that the trailer caught on fire and I couldn't get out because the furnace was the source of the fire and my bedroom window didn't open wide enough for me to crawl out.  They were those two part windows that tilted open when you turned a crank on the window sill.  Very 70s mobile home.

I was also afraid of the dark and slept with a night light until I left for college. 

So, I'm not quite sure why sleep is such an issue for me as an adult.  

I love it.  I love winding down, taking a shower and crawling into bed.  I love turning on my side and hugging my pillow to me and inhaling the scent of my lavender vanilla lotion on my skin and GAIN detergent on my linens.  I love dreaming.  

For some reason, though, I have the hardest time just falling asleep.  I read a statistic once that said that the average human falls asleep within 7 minutes of crawling into bed.  Not me.  I have to go to bed an entire hour before I actually want to fall asleep in order to try to be asleep by a certain time.  My brain doesn't just shut off.  I daydream about things.  I rehash things in my head.  I think about work.  I think about things I wish I had the guts to say to people.  I fantasize about things.  I create little stories in my head based on the game of "What if..."   What if I did win the lottery.... who would I call? would I give two weeks' notice?  What if I did meet someone?  Would I want happily ever after?  Or am I a statistic waiting to happen?  What if I am really really successful with weight loss again?  Will it make me happier?  Why do I try so hard to be something I am not just to fit in with a societal stance on what is attractive?  What if the one I want wanted me too?  What would I do if...  On and on and on.  Sometimes, I think of things from the past.  Sometimes, I think of things I want to do with the future.  Sometimes, I engage Abby in a game of cat and mouse under the covers and wish I was one of the lucky ones who can just go to sleep, like she can.  She just flops down, closes her eyes and goes to sleep.

Once I'm asleep, I'm usually good for the night.  Usually.  However, if something wakes me up, I'm usually up for the rest of the night -- until about an hour before the alarm goes off and then I feel sleepy again and fall asleep, only to be rudely awakened by the alarm clock.  I wake up exhausted and worn out.

I hate getting out of bed.  I always want "5 more minutes."  At one point, I changed the time on my alarm clock to about 30 minutes ahead just so I could hit the snooze three times before getting up and getting ready for work.

On the weekends, I love dawdling in bed.  Sometimes, I set the alarm just to turn it off and go back to sleep.

Napping is a nice treat.  For some reason, I can fall asleep pretty quickly if it's a nap.  It's odd.  My mind just shuts down and I'm out like a light.   I need to find a life where I can sleep when I want to and not be tied to a specific bed time and wake time.  I think I'd probably be a cat-napper.  Sleeping in bouts of a few hours here and there throughout the day.   Someone once told me that it was my creative spirit -- that creative types have similar sleep habits.  

I've tried sleeping pills.  They left me feeling cotton headed and groggy.

I've tried aromatherapy.  I usually get distracted by the smells.

I had a calming water feature.  It made me want to pee.

I even got rid of my electric alarm clock for awhile because I read that EMF waves can interrupt sleep.

I stopped doing non-sleep activities in bed --- like watching tv, reading, computer, talking on the phone.

 

Still, my battle with sleep continues.   I'm like a child.  I don't want to go to sleep because it means that the new day will come and the longer I put off going to sleep, the longer the new day will stay away.  At least, I think that's what my body is doing.  Which tells me I probably need something a little more exciting in my day so that I actually want to go to bed at night so that I can get up the next day.  There have been days where I couldn't wait to go to bed because the next day held opportunities, excitement and potential - like a kid at Christmas.  Those were some of my best sleeping nights.

I've been thinking a lot about sleep disorders.  I have some friends who share similar issues.  I'm thinking we should all form a support group where we can all meet when we can't sleep and talk about our lives until we fall asleep. Take turns at each other's houses so that there is a bed nearby as soon as we get sleepy.  Grown up slumber parties.

Either that or I need to make more friends in time zones that are either hours ahead of me or hours behind me so that when I can't sleep, I can try to find them and hang out with them until I get sleepy.

Hmmm...   wonder if there is website for insomniacs to meet other insomniacs?  At least there'd be no confusion about whether or not "I want to sleep with you" means "I want to have sex" or if it really means "I want to slumber."  There'd be no slumber.  

Hmmmmm.....  I think I just found a perk to being an irregular sleeper.