On Monday, I sent an email to the SPCA complaining about Abby's worm issue. I received a response from the center manager asking me to come in with a stool sample (from Abby, not me) and they'd give me some free de-wormer.
On Tuesday, I went to the SPCA to pick up the de-wormer and gave it to Abby last night.
Today, I got an email from a company I had applied for "work at home" work several months ago, offering me some part-time work. I have gone through several phone and email screenings for work and thought that maybe it wasn't legitimate, despite the interview reviews stating otherwise.
Below is the job description. Sounds pretty interesting... and the pay is decent, too. I can really some extra money and hopefully this will give me something extra each month. The project is 15-20 hours a week for 6 months.
(Company Name Omitted) has entered into a contract with software giant Microsoft. Recently, the Department of Justice approved the combined search efforts of Microsoft and Yahoo!. With this merger, Working Solutions will see a large influx of ad content to review. The combined search content will be reviewed through October. On this program, agents review ad content that will be placed on Microsoft’s Bing search engine. Agents will review and categorize the ad content to assure it meets all Microsoft's criteria and some of that may contain gaming, adult and pharmaceutical information. We are reviewing ads to ensure that any ads with unapproved content are declined from being placed on Microsoft sites, so agents must realize that they may be exposed to adult content on this project.
Two more working days until vacation. I'm soooo ready. I've never been this burnt-out before. I am looking forward to doing whatever the heck I please for a few days.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Days Thirty-Nine, Forty and Forty-One
The past few days have blurred into one another. I'm trying to recall what I've done.
Today, I went to the farmers market and bought a lot of fresh fruit and veggies. I wish I had a large plot of land where I could grow all of my own fruits and vegetables. Maybe even a few fruit trees.
Today, I went to the farmers market and bought a lot of fresh fruit and veggies. I wish I had a large plot of land where I could grow all of my own fruits and vegetables. Maybe even a few fruit trees.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Day Thirty Eight
Had some of the best Asian food ever tonight from a local placed called Forbidden City. General Tso's chicken and some lettuce wraps. Very very tasty. I washed it down with chocolate milk. I have some of the weirdest food cravings sometimes.
Financial place wants a face-to-face interview tomorrow during lunch.
I have nothing else to say so I'm just going to post a photo of Abby and call it a night.
6 working days until vacation. Wish I was going some place fun.
Days Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six and Thirty-Seven
Maybe I should have called this blog "52" for 52 weeks instead of 365 for 365 days. I'd feel less stressed about missing a few days of blogging.
I'm still drinking water. I think I may have lost some weight. My belly isn't as close to the steering wheel as it used to be.
The new cat has worms. Joy. Nothing grosser than seeing a worm crawl out of the cat's butt while you are petting her. So, now I'm learning the joys of deworming a cat and cursing the shelter for not doing it for me. She's still quite high maintenance. She's clingy and hyper. She likes sleeping on my feet, which I do not enjoy. She's also a biter. She thinks she's being playful but it hurts. I'm tired of saying "Abby No" or "Abby Down." I'm suffering through a case of buyer's remorse right now. I keep hoping that she'll realize she is in a stable home and will calm down. I like that she likes me but I also want her to just go away sometimes so I can have some peace. I have to close doors now for some peace, which I never had to do with Molly. A couple of times I thought about calling the shelter and asking if I could trade her in for one of the more passive quieter cats but I don't know that I could stand the look on her face when I leave her. I've also thought of getting another cat to keep her company but I fear she'll kill it when I'm not here. She practically mutilated the toy mice I've bought her.
Had a phone interview today for a part-time job at financial company. I hope they call me with an offer and that it leads to something greater.
Now, I'm off to a therapy session. I think I'm going to fire her. I don't feel like my visits with her are productive. I called the Employee Assistance Program people last night and asked them to find me another therapist. I don't appreciate my therapist's "tough" approach. She just keeps telling me that I'm a smart person and that I know what I need to do and then stares at me as if to challenge me. I was hoping for some exercises or materials I could use to help me be more assertive, less stressed and not worry so much.
I'm still drinking water. I think I may have lost some weight. My belly isn't as close to the steering wheel as it used to be.
The new cat has worms. Joy. Nothing grosser than seeing a worm crawl out of the cat's butt while you are petting her. So, now I'm learning the joys of deworming a cat and cursing the shelter for not doing it for me. She's still quite high maintenance. She's clingy and hyper. She likes sleeping on my feet, which I do not enjoy. She's also a biter. She thinks she's being playful but it hurts. I'm tired of saying "Abby No" or "Abby Down." I'm suffering through a case of buyer's remorse right now. I keep hoping that she'll realize she is in a stable home and will calm down. I like that she likes me but I also want her to just go away sometimes so I can have some peace. I have to close doors now for some peace, which I never had to do with Molly. A couple of times I thought about calling the shelter and asking if I could trade her in for one of the more passive quieter cats but I don't know that I could stand the look on her face when I leave her. I've also thought of getting another cat to keep her company but I fear she'll kill it when I'm not here. She practically mutilated the toy mice I've bought her.
Had a phone interview today for a part-time job at financial company. I hope they call me with an offer and that it leads to something greater.
Now, I'm off to a therapy session. I think I'm going to fire her. I don't feel like my visits with her are productive. I called the Employee Assistance Program people last night and asked them to find me another therapist. I don't appreciate my therapist's "tough" approach. She just keeps telling me that I'm a smart person and that I know what I need to do and then stares at me as if to challenge me. I was hoping for some exercises or materials I could use to help me be more assertive, less stressed and not worry so much.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Days Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three and Thirty-Four
Hmmm.... still trying to get used to having such a vocal and active cat in the house. She wants constant attention. Bought her a cat-tree on eBay. It arrived on Friday. I put it together Friday night. She has knocked it over twice and pulled both dangling mice off of it. She's very rough.
On Saturday, I worked on training her to sleep "on the other side" of the bed instead of on my feet. It works to a degree. If she falls asleep on the other side of the bed, she stays there for awhile. However, if I fall asleep before she does, as soon as I'm comfy, she wedges herself between my legs and traps me and if I try to move, she sees it as an invitation to play.
On Saturday, I also did some "greening" of my apartment and sorted through months of accumulated magazines to separate out those I truly want to keep and those I can donate. I have 4 cloth bags of those I can donate. I've also decided that I'm not going to subscribe to any more and let all of my subscriptions expire. I can't believe how addicted I am to magazines. All of that trivial information that I read once and forget about. I'm sure I can read many of the big stories online in some format or another.
Today, I printed out cable/internet/phone bill to see if there are any other ways to cut costs. I hardly ever stray past the "regular" stations so I'm going to call them tomorrow to see if I can get about $9.00 in "entertainment packs" removed from my bill. I also decided to take advantage of the dental insurance I've been paying for but never using and called a dentist and left a message for a free cleaning during the week I'm on vacation. I also called a non-profit debt consolidation place for a appointment that week as well, to see if they can help me negotiate a better deal on my credit cards. I'm so mad at myself for having credit cards again. I was totally debt-free in April 2007. Then, I moved here and was fine for awhile -- only had two cards for "emergencies". I used one card to get new furniture for my new apartment and am still paying on that. Then, over the course of the past two years, have added 4 more "low balance" credit cards to the mix, which I've maxxed out when my company reduced our salaries and I needed more $ than what I was making. I've been paying more than the minimum payment but don't seem to be getting anywhere. I had made a nice dent in them but then Molly got sick and after I used up my savings, I started to use them again -- for fuel, groceries, prescriptions. It adds up fast. I spent about $300 a month making payments to unsecured creditors. That's huge. I could be putting that towards savings.
Lastly, I sent an email to my financial advisor to ask that he reduce my monthly contribution to my retirement plan. I am currently contributing about 5% of my net income each month to an IRA but when I opened it last summer, I anticipated a higher raise and bonuses, which didn't happen, and now I'm feeling the loss of that money each month. It's really hard to live off of a salary where you can't earn overtime, can't get a part-time job because of the long hours you work and don't qualify for any bonuses. There's no way for me to generate income right now so I keep working on whittling away at my expenses. I hate this feeling of desperation of not having enough money.
I was supposed to go to a bingo social today but decided I couldn't rationalize the $25 fee. That's gas money... or groceries... so I stayed home instead.
I really wish I could win the lottery. Maybe I should play?
On Saturday, I worked on training her to sleep "on the other side" of the bed instead of on my feet. It works to a degree. If she falls asleep on the other side of the bed, she stays there for awhile. However, if I fall asleep before she does, as soon as I'm comfy, she wedges herself between my legs and traps me and if I try to move, she sees it as an invitation to play.
On Saturday, I also did some "greening" of my apartment and sorted through months of accumulated magazines to separate out those I truly want to keep and those I can donate. I have 4 cloth bags of those I can donate. I've also decided that I'm not going to subscribe to any more and let all of my subscriptions expire. I can't believe how addicted I am to magazines. All of that trivial information that I read once and forget about. I'm sure I can read many of the big stories online in some format or another.
Today, I printed out cable/internet/phone bill to see if there are any other ways to cut costs. I hardly ever stray past the "regular" stations so I'm going to call them tomorrow to see if I can get about $9.00 in "entertainment packs" removed from my bill. I also decided to take advantage of the dental insurance I've been paying for but never using and called a dentist and left a message for a free cleaning during the week I'm on vacation. I also called a non-profit debt consolidation place for a appointment that week as well, to see if they can help me negotiate a better deal on my credit cards. I'm so mad at myself for having credit cards again. I was totally debt-free in April 2007. Then, I moved here and was fine for awhile -- only had two cards for "emergencies". I used one card to get new furniture for my new apartment and am still paying on that. Then, over the course of the past two years, have added 4 more "low balance" credit cards to the mix, which I've maxxed out when my company reduced our salaries and I needed more $ than what I was making. I've been paying more than the minimum payment but don't seem to be getting anywhere. I had made a nice dent in them but then Molly got sick and after I used up my savings, I started to use them again -- for fuel, groceries, prescriptions. It adds up fast. I spent about $300 a month making payments to unsecured creditors. That's huge. I could be putting that towards savings.
Lastly, I sent an email to my financial advisor to ask that he reduce my monthly contribution to my retirement plan. I am currently contributing about 5% of my net income each month to an IRA but when I opened it last summer, I anticipated a higher raise and bonuses, which didn't happen, and now I'm feeling the loss of that money each month. It's really hard to live off of a salary where you can't earn overtime, can't get a part-time job because of the long hours you work and don't qualify for any bonuses. There's no way for me to generate income right now so I keep working on whittling away at my expenses. I hate this feeling of desperation of not having enough money.
I was supposed to go to a bingo social today but decided I couldn't rationalize the $25 fee. That's gas money... or groceries... so I stayed home instead.
I really wish I could win the lottery. Maybe I should play?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Days Twenty-Nine, Thirty and Thirty-One
Yes, I've been slacking again. Sorry.
Trying to adjust to having a hyperactive kitty in the house. She kept me awake until 3:00 a.m. Monday night, exploring everything and getting into everything. I'd start to doze off and hear a crash and have to go see what she was into. She likes knocking things over and looking at me like, "It just happened, I swear." She is going to think her name is Abby No or Abby Down.
Tuesday night was a little better. I went to bed at 10:00 and she jumped up on the bed with me. I held her close to my side and rubbed her forehead and ears, calming her down. She felt asleep beside me with her head on my pillow. She slept for about an hour. Then, sometime during the night she discovered the joy of sleeping on my legs and feet. Fun for her. Not so much for me.
Last night, I was exhausted from having a headache all day at work and went to be around 8:30, while it was storming outside. She fell asleep beside me and seems to enjoy cuddling. She woke me up at 5:30, ready to play. She has this gray furry mouse that she carries around by the tail and she whacked me in the head with it a couple of times. I got up and played with her then while she was distracted, went back to bed for another 30 minutes or so.
Today, I had another therapy session. It makes me nervous how she keeps encouraging me to get fired. "Don't worry about it! You'll get unemployment, medicaid and food stamps. You can apply for assistance." Um, and if I don't qualify? Then, what? (sigh) My "free" sessions are over now. I think I may try to find someone else. I am not really getting anything out of the visits. The last time I went to therapy, the therapist would give me homework assignments to do so that we could explore issues and feelings. This lady is determined for me to do something at work to "have my voice heard" and get fired. She seems to think that getting fired will empower me. Guess she's never had to worry about paying rent or having a car repossessed.
Trying to adjust to having a hyperactive kitty in the house. She kept me awake until 3:00 a.m. Monday night, exploring everything and getting into everything. I'd start to doze off and hear a crash and have to go see what she was into. She likes knocking things over and looking at me like, "It just happened, I swear." She is going to think her name is Abby No or Abby Down.
Tuesday night was a little better. I went to bed at 10:00 and she jumped up on the bed with me. I held her close to my side and rubbed her forehead and ears, calming her down. She felt asleep beside me with her head on my pillow. She slept for about an hour. Then, sometime during the night she discovered the joy of sleeping on my legs and feet. Fun for her. Not so much for me.
Last night, I was exhausted from having a headache all day at work and went to be around 8:30, while it was storming outside. She fell asleep beside me and seems to enjoy cuddling. She woke me up at 5:30, ready to play. She has this gray furry mouse that she carries around by the tail and she whacked me in the head with it a couple of times. I got up and played with her then while she was distracted, went back to bed for another 30 minutes or so.
Today, I had another therapy session. It makes me nervous how she keeps encouraging me to get fired. "Don't worry about it! You'll get unemployment, medicaid and food stamps. You can apply for assistance." Um, and if I don't qualify? Then, what? (sigh) My "free" sessions are over now. I think I may try to find someone else. I am not really getting anything out of the visits. The last time I went to therapy, the therapist would give me homework assignments to do so that we could explore issues and feelings. This lady is determined for me to do something at work to "have my voice heard" and get fired. She seems to think that getting fired will empower me. Guess she's never had to worry about paying rent or having a car repossessed.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Day Twenty-Eight
I picked up my new kitty tonight. I asked for a vacation day for tomorrow so I could spend time getting to know her. My boss said no. I really hope I find a new job soon.
Abra, whom I've renamed "Abby", seems to be adjusting quite well. She explored every nook and cranny in the apartment and has now settled in, watching birds and squirrels by the balcony door. I don't think I have to worry about her reminding me of Molly and making me sad. She may settle down at some point, but right now, I already know I'm going to have to limit where she roams in the apartment.
Photo included. I apologize if you've already seen it on Facebook.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Day Twenty-Seven
My plan for today involved visiting the local rec center for a membership so that I can use the pool and to get my car interior cleaned.
I woke up early again and did some chores and then called the SPCA to have them release the hold on Abra so that others could adopt her if they wanted to. Then, I logged into their website and watched the cats on the webcam for a bit. I realized I kept panning to the area where Abra's cage was, looking to see if anyone was checking her out. After about two hours of checking the webcam every 10 minutes or so, I realized I wanted to go back to the SPCA and do one more tour of the cats.
When I got there, there was a young couple reading Abra's information card. I immediately felt possessive and actually told them, "I'm adopting her!" As soon as I said it, it felt right. I completed the paperwork, forked over $75 and then spent about 15 minutes with her alone in a room. They gave me all sorts of literature and some coupons for free cat food from PetSmart and discounts on pet supplies from PetSmart. I can't bring her home until tomorrow, assuming my boss will let me leave early to get her (the shelter closes at 5:00.) She will be spayed and microchipped tomorrow. On a side note, someone was adopting "Big Kev" while I was there so his days of being "big" end tomorrow.
So, for the cost of a rec center membership, I have a new family member. Molly will be her guardian Angel and I'm sure she understands that another cat deserves to be loved the way she was/is. I made sure I did not pick a carbon copy of Molly.
I then went to PetSmart and got a bag of cat food, a cat bed, a litter pan, a scratching post, a feather toy and two food/water dishes. Thanks to the discount coupon, I saved over 50% on everything. For what I was going to spend on car detailing, I now have everything I need for Abra.
I figure that I can save the rec center for another time. The reality is that I probably wouldn't go anyway and it would be another unused gym membership in my name. As for the car detailing, I can do it myself for far less than the CarSpa people. It'll burn calories and give me a sense of accomplishment.
This was a pretty decent weekend. Had a great time with friends yesterday. Took care of my emotional health today. Only cried three times. Still can't say Molly's name without choking up, though.
Now, if I could just win the lottery.
I woke up early again and did some chores and then called the SPCA to have them release the hold on Abra so that others could adopt her if they wanted to. Then, I logged into their website and watched the cats on the webcam for a bit. I realized I kept panning to the area where Abra's cage was, looking to see if anyone was checking her out. After about two hours of checking the webcam every 10 minutes or so, I realized I wanted to go back to the SPCA and do one more tour of the cats.
When I got there, there was a young couple reading Abra's information card. I immediately felt possessive and actually told them, "I'm adopting her!" As soon as I said it, it felt right. I completed the paperwork, forked over $75 and then spent about 15 minutes with her alone in a room. They gave me all sorts of literature and some coupons for free cat food from PetSmart and discounts on pet supplies from PetSmart. I can't bring her home until tomorrow, assuming my boss will let me leave early to get her (the shelter closes at 5:00.) She will be spayed and microchipped tomorrow. On a side note, someone was adopting "Big Kev" while I was there so his days of being "big" end tomorrow.
So, for the cost of a rec center membership, I have a new family member. Molly will be her guardian Angel and I'm sure she understands that another cat deserves to be loved the way she was/is. I made sure I did not pick a carbon copy of Molly.
I then went to PetSmart and got a bag of cat food, a cat bed, a litter pan, a scratching post, a feather toy and two food/water dishes. Thanks to the discount coupon, I saved over 50% on everything. For what I was going to spend on car detailing, I now have everything I need for Abra.
I figure that I can save the rec center for another time. The reality is that I probably wouldn't go anyway and it would be another unused gym membership in my name. As for the car detailing, I can do it myself for far less than the CarSpa people. It'll burn calories and give me a sense of accomplishment.
This was a pretty decent weekend. Had a great time with friends yesterday. Took care of my emotional health today. Only cried three times. Still can't say Molly's name without choking up, though.
Now, if I could just win the lottery.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Day Twenty-Six
What a busy busy day! I woke up earlier than I intended -- really wanted to sleep in a little today, but was wide awake at 8:00. I know, this seems late for some, but it was only about an hour and a half later than normal ... and I had stayed up past midnight on Friday, despite my attempts to fall asleep sooner.
My plan for the day was to drop off some donations (canned food that may go bad before I get another cat) at the SPCA, see about volunteering for them, then get my car detailed -- there's just something satisfying about having all of the nooks and crannies in the car cleaned out and the glisten of Armor All on the dash -- and then meet up with a friend for wine tasting and then dinner at her place.
My day ended up with me getting my hair cut and then spending several hours browsing the cats at the SPCA. They are having a "special" right now that if you buy $30 worth of stuff (collars, carrier, dish, anything pet-related), they'll give you a cat or dog that is 7 years old or older for free (i.e. waive the $80 adoption fee.) It's being sponsored by 7-Up. So, I asked the volunteer to show me all of the cats that were 7 years or older. None of them really struck my fancy. I played with a few but just didn't feel any chemistry. The volunteer took me to see this one cat "Big Kev" -- who was named this due to a rather large set of ... um... cat testicles. As we passed this row of cages, a paw swiped out and snagged my shirt. I disengaged myself and continued to "Big Kev". He was a nice cat, but he kept sneezing and snorting and the volunteer told me he was prone to upper respiratory infections and I just knew I couldn't go through that with another cat. I congratulated him on his large package and headed back into the main room. Again, this paw reached out and snagged my shirt. This time, I stopped at the cage to see who was so frisky. It was a small shiny black cat with huge amber eyes named "Abra" (as in "abra cadabra"). She looked up at me and started rubbing her head against the cage door. I rubbed her head and scratched her ears. I noticed that she is only 1 year old, which meant no discount. Still, she interested me. So, I took her into a room and we played for about 30 minutes. She was very affectionate and playful. The volunteer told me this was unusual because she normally stays in the back corner of her cage and doesn't seek out attention. So, I placed a 48-hour hold on her. We had chemistry and I felt drawn to her -- just as she felt drawn to me. I just can't tell in my heart of hearts if I'm ready yet. I keep asking myself how I'll feel if the hold expires and someone else adopts her and I tell myself one moment that it means it wasn't meant to be... and then the next, I tell myself that I'd kick myself for not getting her for myself.
I think I may go back tomorrow to see if the chemistry is still there. I don't want to be disrespectful to Molly. I miss her every day. All of my friends keep telling me that 6 months is the average time to grieve the loss of a pet. Why can't I grieve the loss of one pet and still love a new one?
Anyhoo -- after the visit to the SPCA, a friend picked me up and we went to wine tasting. Then, we went back to her place and she cooked dinner -- Maine lobster and corn on the cob. We drank adult beverages and sat outside. She invited along some other friends of hers and it was a fun evening. We laughed a lot, which I needed. I slipped a couple of times and called her dog "Molly".
Now, I'm home and quite tired. How does one know when they are "ready" for something like bringing in a new pet? I don't want to get a cat just to have a cat, but I'm also not liking this not having someone to care for and love either.
My plan for the day was to drop off some donations (canned food that may go bad before I get another cat) at the SPCA, see about volunteering for them, then get my car detailed -- there's just something satisfying about having all of the nooks and crannies in the car cleaned out and the glisten of Armor All on the dash -- and then meet up with a friend for wine tasting and then dinner at her place.
My day ended up with me getting my hair cut and then spending several hours browsing the cats at the SPCA. They are having a "special" right now that if you buy $30 worth of stuff (collars, carrier, dish, anything pet-related), they'll give you a cat or dog that is 7 years old or older for free (i.e. waive the $80 adoption fee.) It's being sponsored by 7-Up. So, I asked the volunteer to show me all of the cats that were 7 years or older. None of them really struck my fancy. I played with a few but just didn't feel any chemistry. The volunteer took me to see this one cat "Big Kev" -- who was named this due to a rather large set of ... um... cat testicles. As we passed this row of cages, a paw swiped out and snagged my shirt. I disengaged myself and continued to "Big Kev". He was a nice cat, but he kept sneezing and snorting and the volunteer told me he was prone to upper respiratory infections and I just knew I couldn't go through that with another cat. I congratulated him on his large package and headed back into the main room. Again, this paw reached out and snagged my shirt. This time, I stopped at the cage to see who was so frisky. It was a small shiny black cat with huge amber eyes named "Abra" (as in "abra cadabra"). She looked up at me and started rubbing her head against the cage door. I rubbed her head and scratched her ears. I noticed that she is only 1 year old, which meant no discount. Still, she interested me. So, I took her into a room and we played for about 30 minutes. She was very affectionate and playful. The volunteer told me this was unusual because she normally stays in the back corner of her cage and doesn't seek out attention. So, I placed a 48-hour hold on her. We had chemistry and I felt drawn to her -- just as she felt drawn to me. I just can't tell in my heart of hearts if I'm ready yet. I keep asking myself how I'll feel if the hold expires and someone else adopts her and I tell myself one moment that it means it wasn't meant to be... and then the next, I tell myself that I'd kick myself for not getting her for myself.
I think I may go back tomorrow to see if the chemistry is still there. I don't want to be disrespectful to Molly. I miss her every day. All of my friends keep telling me that 6 months is the average time to grieve the loss of a pet. Why can't I grieve the loss of one pet and still love a new one?
Anyhoo -- after the visit to the SPCA, a friend picked me up and we went to wine tasting. Then, we went back to her place and she cooked dinner -- Maine lobster and corn on the cob. We drank adult beverages and sat outside. She invited along some other friends of hers and it was a fun evening. We laughed a lot, which I needed. I slipped a couple of times and called her dog "Molly".
Now, I'm home and quite tired. How does one know when they are "ready" for something like bringing in a new pet? I don't want to get a cat just to have a cat, but I'm also not liking this not having someone to care for and love either.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Days Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five
I've gotten off-course with the goal of this blog. I haven't been in the mood for "self improvement" this week.
I had a therapy session yesterday morning and I've come to realize I'm really quite fucked up. (Pardon my language.) We talked mostly about Molly and how guilty I feel about her death and how I keep "what if"ing myself. "What if" I had borrowed money from my friend in Connecticut months ago to get the MRI. "What if" I had been home with her more to take care of her. "What if" I had been able to afford more time in the hospital for her. The therapist said it was normal to react and that it's part of normal grieving and that I need to just allow myself to grieve. I told her that I feel like a wuss for being reduced to a sniffling slobbering mess at the mere mention of her. I come home from work and wish she was here to greet me. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I find myself automatically shifting the covers to ease her off of my body so that I can go to the bathroom without disturbing her. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to such a small furry creature that my heart aches for her. I mean -- I've had friendships and romances end that didn't make me hurt as much as this does.
Anyhow - I'm trying to work through this. It's been a rough week. I've had a bad headache all week that just won't go away. I've eaten nothing but crap. Last night, I had a sick headache and broke down and drank some ginger ale to soothe my nausea, so now I have to re-start my "no soda" thing. I fell off the stairs at my apartment complex on Wednesday morning and did a complete wipeout on the sidewalk. I have bruises on my elbows, palms and knees and my entire body aches. I almost hit a guy on a bicycle tonight because he swerved out into traffic from the sidewalk and my reflexes were slow. My boss yelled at me this morning because the team has not been doing the work she wants them to do. I reminded her that I'm not in charge of them anymore.
Last night, I got an email from a recruiter for a financial institution who found me on Linked In.
Tonight, I sent her my resume.
Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in, catching up on some chores, visiting the local rec center and then going to a wine tasting with a friend. I need to find some distractions.
I had a therapy session yesterday morning and I've come to realize I'm really quite fucked up. (Pardon my language.) We talked mostly about Molly and how guilty I feel about her death and how I keep "what if"ing myself. "What if" I had borrowed money from my friend in Connecticut months ago to get the MRI. "What if" I had been home with her more to take care of her. "What if" I had been able to afford more time in the hospital for her. The therapist said it was normal to react and that it's part of normal grieving and that I need to just allow myself to grieve. I told her that I feel like a wuss for being reduced to a sniffling slobbering mess at the mere mention of her. I come home from work and wish she was here to greet me. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I find myself automatically shifting the covers to ease her off of my body so that I can go to the bathroom without disturbing her. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to such a small furry creature that my heart aches for her. I mean -- I've had friendships and romances end that didn't make me hurt as much as this does.
Anyhow - I'm trying to work through this. It's been a rough week. I've had a bad headache all week that just won't go away. I've eaten nothing but crap. Last night, I had a sick headache and broke down and drank some ginger ale to soothe my nausea, so now I have to re-start my "no soda" thing. I fell off the stairs at my apartment complex on Wednesday morning and did a complete wipeout on the sidewalk. I have bruises on my elbows, palms and knees and my entire body aches. I almost hit a guy on a bicycle tonight because he swerved out into traffic from the sidewalk and my reflexes were slow. My boss yelled at me this morning because the team has not been doing the work she wants them to do. I reminded her that I'm not in charge of them anymore.
Last night, I got an email from a recruiter for a financial institution who found me on Linked In.
Tonight, I sent her my resume.
Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in, catching up on some chores, visiting the local rec center and then going to a wine tasting with a friend. I need to find some distractions.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Days Twenty-Two and Twenty-Three
I only cried twice at work yesterday. I feel proud of myself considering that I wanted to do it more often. It's strange -- I've had family and friends die, move away, leave me, stop wanting to be my friend... yet the mere thought of a tiny little furball dissolves me to mush. I can honestly say I can't remember the last time my heart was broken. I picked up her ashes last night and she now sits on my bedside table, so that I can say good night before I go to sleep and good morning when I wake up. The one thing I did yesterday is research how to be a foster parent for animals in the event I want to take on this responsibility again.
Today -- today it was sunny and hot. So, I took a full hour lunch and went outside. I drove around for a little bit and then sat in my car, listening to some station that was playing Eagles and Kansas and other 70s mellow tunes. Elton John's Tiny Dancer was on last and that song stuck in my head all afternoon.
Tomorrow - I have another therapy session. Should be interesting "Hi Doc. I still hate my job and oh, my cat died. Let's talk about all of the help you think I need to learn how to cope and say no."
Today -- today it was sunny and hot. So, I took a full hour lunch and went outside. I drove around for a little bit and then sat in my car, listening to some station that was playing Eagles and Kansas and other 70s mellow tunes. Elton John's Tiny Dancer was on last and that song stuck in my head all afternoon.
Tomorrow - I have another therapy session. Should be interesting "Hi Doc. I still hate my job and oh, my cat died. Let's talk about all of the help you think I need to learn how to cope and say no."
Monday, May 3, 2010
Day Twenty-One
I took a vacation day today to deal with my grief. I thought I could do it -- go to work -- but I woke up and immediately rolled over and said, "Is Molly hungry for breakfast?" and realized no Molly. I started crying. I knew I was too sensitive to deal with people at work.
The pet crematory called. Molly's ashes will be ready tomorrow.
The pet crematory called. Molly's ashes will be ready tomorrow.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Day Twenty
I made the painful decision today to end Molly's suffering. I promised myself that as soon as she was unable to walk to/from the litterbox on her own, I'd stop keeping her alive for my own selfish purposes and end her misery. That moment was today.
For the past few days, she has been having difficulty walking, jumping, etc. She has been very weak and when she lies down, she sprawls and shakes. I've been feeding her water and baby food through a syringe and carrying her everywhere she needs to go. Until last night, she was walking on her own to her litterbox. Then, this morning, she meowed to wake me up. She was sitting (more like slumping) at the end of my bed, looking at the floor like she was trying to get the courage/strength to jump. I carried her to her litterbox. She struggled to stand while she urinated and then could not climb back out. I knew then that I could not prolong her agony any longer.
She and I cuddled all morning, while I cried and asked God for strength to make the decision. I even took her outside and we sat in the sunshine for about 20 minutes. She didn't perk up when birds came around.
So, at 12:30 today, I dropped her off at the vet - Bay Beach Animal Hospital. Kind of appropriate because my two favorite places in town are the Bay and the Beach. The receptionist assured me I was doing the right thing. Molly was shaking so badly in her crate and trying to stand but kept falling over. The cancer I believe she had ravaging her body had finally won.
They are going to put her to sleep and then a local pet crematory (located on Happy Lane, of all places) is going to pick her up and then call me in a few days when her ashes are ready.
RIP Molly. I love you and miss you.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Day Nineteen
I spent most of the day being held hostage at the car dealership while my car was inspected and had its oil changed. The dealership offers "free" inspections and oil changes as a thank you for buying the car there. The price is that you have to wait hours for the free work to be completed.
After I left the dealership, I stopped at the pet store to get some food for Molly (to try to entice her to eat) and there were kids outside trying to sell cloth grocery bags to raise money for a school trip. No one would make eye contact with them. I felt sorry for them, especially this one earnest little boy who was standing there professing all of the great qualities of using cloth over paper and plastic.
I bought a cloth bag from him and applauded him on his strong salesmanship skills. He looked so pleased. He went running over to this woman, whom I assume was his mother, and said, "See, I knew someone would buy one."
So, that made me feel all warm inside.
After I left the dealership, I stopped at the pet store to get some food for Molly (to try to entice her to eat) and there were kids outside trying to sell cloth grocery bags to raise money for a school trip. No one would make eye contact with them. I felt sorry for them, especially this one earnest little boy who was standing there professing all of the great qualities of using cloth over paper and plastic.
I bought a cloth bag from him and applauded him on his strong salesmanship skills. He looked so pleased. He went running over to this woman, whom I assume was his mother, and said, "See, I knew someone would buy one."
So, that made me feel all warm inside.
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