Days Twenty-Four and Twenty-Five

I've gotten off-course with the goal of this blog. I haven't been in the mood for "self improvement" this week.

I had a therapy session yesterday morning and I've come to realize I'm really quite fucked up. (Pardon my language.) We talked mostly about Molly and how guilty I feel about her death and how I keep "what if"ing myself. "What if" I had borrowed money from my friend in Connecticut months ago to get the MRI. "What if" I had been home with her more to take care of her. "What if" I had been able to afford more time in the hospital for her. The therapist said it was normal to react and that it's part of normal grieving and that I need to just allow myself to grieve. I told her that I feel like a wuss for being reduced to a sniffling slobbering mess at the mere mention of her. I come home from work and wish she was here to greet me. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I find myself automatically shifting the covers to ease her off of my body so that I can go to the bathroom without disturbing her. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become so attached to such a small furry creature that my heart aches for her. I mean -- I've had friendships and romances end that didn't make me hurt as much as this does.

Anyhow - I'm trying to work through this. It's been a rough week. I've had a bad headache all week that just won't go away. I've eaten nothing but crap. Last night, I had a sick headache and broke down and drank some ginger ale to soothe my nausea, so now I have to re-start my "no soda" thing. I fell off the stairs at my apartment complex on Wednesday morning and did a complete wipeout on the sidewalk. I have bruises on my elbows, palms and knees and my entire body aches. I almost hit a guy on a bicycle tonight because he swerved out into traffic from the sidewalk and my reflexes were slow. My boss yelled at me this morning because the team has not been doing the work she wants them to do. I reminded her that I'm not in charge of them anymore.

Last night, I got an email from a recruiter for a financial institution who found me on Linked In.

Tonight, I sent her my resume.

Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in, catching up on some chores, visiting the local rec center and then going to a wine tasting with a friend. I need to find some distractions.