Not Meant To Be

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind

It's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

So, you know how when you like someone, your closest girlfriends seem to rally around, giving encouragement, listening to your "cute" (and "not so cute") stories, giving you advice, convincing you that all of the emotional roller coaster crap is just worth it because in the end, you'll live happily ever after?

Then, once you aren't into that guy anymore, they start to tell you how much they didn't really like him, or how they could have told you it wasn't going to work out, or that they just knew that he was probably going to end up flaking out?

I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the guys I've "really liked" in my past and how, after the fact, it was totally obvious to me that we were not meant to be, no matter how much I kept trying to shove that square peg into a round hole... but at the time, I was totally blind to the signs.

Here are some of my observations....

Signs You Will Never See The Guy You Like Naked (Long-Term)

1. Dude, bro, man, guy, buddy or pal.   If, at any time during normal conversation, he calls you any of these pet names, you are never going to see him naked.  He's already neutered you in his mind and sees you as a buddy.  He probably doesn't even realize you have boobs.  Real boobs.  Or ovaries.  You are one of the guys.  Soon, he'll pass gas in front of you and tell you some off-color joke that "girls" find offensive.  The only exception to this is if you are dating a surfer from SoCal who calls everyone "dude". 

2. George Michael, Ricky Martin, Ryan Seacrest or Justin Bieber.  If he tells you that he admires any of these men, thinks they are excellent role models and/or tells you that he'd love to hang out with them because they are so talented, attractive and interesting, run.  Fast.  Far.  If he owns a boy band CD or has a boy band haircut, this is icing on the cake.  He isn't aware you have boobs... or, if he does, he notices that the bra you are wearing to encase said boobs is the wrong size and can probably tell you the best place to get fitted for a new one.  (and if I find him attractive in any way and would date him, yeah, sure sign he's not going to be into you.)

3. His mom, his sister, his grandmother or his 4th grade teacher.  If he ever tells you that you remind him of any of these women, you're never going to see him naked.  He considers you too familiar, a member of the family.  He might invite you to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner but his intention is not to introduce you to his family as a girlfriend or potential girlfriend.  He just wants all of his female relatives to bond with one another.  Share recipes.  Tell cute stories about him.

4. His ex.  If he tells you at any point any kind of story about his ex, especially right after you first meet, you're not going to see him naked.  Most men are a little leery about discussing the ex with a potential love interest.  They do not want to discuss failures and they do not want you wondering if he's still hung up on her.  If he wants you to see him naked, she (the ex) will never make it into the conversation.  Or, if she does, it will be quickly dismissed with a "... it just wasn't meant to be and I wish her well..."  If he bashes the ex or, worse, tells you how hot she was and how he wishes he still had her, you may as well start calling him "dude" or "bro" or "pal" yourself because it just can't end well if he isn't over her.

5. Nicknames for his penis.  If he has a nickname for any of his gentalia, you're not going to see him naked.  He's not comfortable with himself, his body and/or his sexuality.  If he's doing it to be funny, it's not, it's just creepy.   Plus, in the heat of the moment, do you really want to hear, "Snorky wants to come out and play." 

6. Bodily functions.  If he tells you he has to go to the bathroom and tells you which function, or worse, describes it to you, he's not going to do the deed with you.  See # 1.

7.  His, um, friends.  Whose names you don't know.  If he ever references his friends in the generalist of terms, never uses their names or tells you any specifics about them, he never intends for you to meet them.  Ever.  He doesn't want you to know who they are in the event you ever run into them some place.  If he's not willing to introduce you to his friends, he probably isn't going to introduce you to "Snorky" either.  Not with any intention of long-term commitment for sure.

8. Texting.  Only texting.   If he refuses to talk to you on the phone and prefers all contact be through texts, IMs or Facebook messages, he's not really into any sort of face to face, intimate conversations.  If you're looking for a pen pal, keep his digits.  Otherwise, "Was it good for you?" won't come out of his lips when you're done.  However, about 5 minutes later, you will probably get a text that says "U R gr8t."

9. His.. um... "friend".  If you know he has been seeing someone, a female someone, and he only refers to her as his "friend", then he's afraid of commitment.  If he "breaks up" (which just means he stops texting her) with her and starts to see you, you'll probably be his "friend" too.  Only, you won't know this because when he's with you (and your friends), he'll be the doting boyfriend.  He'll probably even be super charming and use the word "we" a lot.  However, tomorrow, when he's at work... or at the gym.. or at the mall, and another woman is talking to him about his weekend plans,  he'll tell her, "I went out of town with a friend."  This is fine if you don't ever want more than a faux beau and once-a-month sex.  But, if you do...  well...  sorry, pal.

10.  "Is everything ok?"  If you are having a bad day... a visibly bad day... and he never even attempts to find out why, then he could care less about you and your emotional state.  This means that in the future, when you really need him to be there for you, he won't be.  If he does ask you, he'll probably do it quickly and as he's heading out the door so that the amount of time required to actually listen to your woes is limited.  He might text you later and say, "Hope U R OK", which translates into "Hope you are over whatever it is you had going on cause I just want to come home and have sex and not have to deal with it."

Ah, a perfect 10.  The only one in my life at the moment.  Yes, these items were tongue in cheek.  Yes, some of them seemed almost borderline Alanis Morrissette material.  However, I have personally, sadly, experienced each one of them at some point in my dating life.  Many of them with one guy.

So...  yeah .... no witty or profound ending here.  Just hoping that the next time, I'll have this list handy to remind me of what's not meant to be.