Like Alice in Wonderland
The dream takes you by the hand
Inside emotions that you might not feel
If by some notion the dream was not real
The dream
The dream
The dream
Watching the colours as they run
Figures in mould like the sun
Lovers can dream
devils can dream
You may be nowhere
until you have seen
The dream
The dream
I took a nap after lunch today and had this slightly disturbing and emotional dream. The dream has some "adult" content/profanity so please skip to the "non-dream" portion of the blog if you do not wish to read it. I've started the non-dream portion of the blog with a word in red ink instead of black.
I had a dream that this man and I were at this
maze of some sort. It was very odd -- a huge outdoor hedge/shrub maze and the rows were high and you couldn't see over them, climb over them or cut through them. You had to follow them.
I got the feeling we
weren't there together by choice, that someone had made us go. He had a
bit of attitude. He seemed angry. Moody. I didn't. I felt ... nothing, to be honest. There were no emotions on my part. I just wanted to get out of the maze.
We were following along the path, making
turns here and there. Occasionally, we'd hit a dead end and then go back to the main path and continue on. No talking. No strategizing. I was leading. He was following.
Every now and then, there would be a "room"/shed
within the maze that we had to pass through to continue onwards. We couldn't go around it so we'd open the door and go
inside. Each shed had some sort of theme or decoration. One was like
Christmas. One was like Halloween. Etc.
In the first one, which
had a lot of flowers and such, he blurted out, "So, she invited me over
at 10:30 last night." I didn't respond. I made some comment about the
decorations. In my mind I thought, "Booty call." We moved on to the next path and the next shed. Inside
the next shed, he blurted out, "She let me put my hand in her pants."
I ignored him but my heart was starting to hurt. I remember thinking, "Why is he telling me this?" We moved along the
path and into the next shed. I was starting to get this feeling of
dread as we approached the shed.
Inside the next shed,
he made a comment about maybe next time he'll to do more than finger f*ck
her (yeah, he talked like that). I didn't want to hear it anymore and I
could feel tears building up behind my eyes. Inside the next shed,
there was a life-sized cardboard cut out of this hot looking woman wearing a tank top and short shorts. It looked like a Hooters girl. He says
to me, "Why can't you look like that? I'd finger f*ck you in a
heartbeat if you looked like that!" I don't think he meant to hurt me. It was almost "matter of fact" -- like I'd like to have you but I'm shallow and immature at the moment and don't have my filter on so I'm gonna say what I'm thinking and not even realize I'm saying mean and hurtful things.
I turned and moved away from him quickly and tried to go back
through the door we came in through because I didn't want to do it
anymore. I didn't want to keep going. I didn't want to hear what he might say in the next shed. I wanted out of the maze, away
from him and over it. But, the door had no way of opening it from the
inside. You could only move forward. I hadn't said a word after the
first shed. He put out a hand to touch me as I rushed by him towards
the door and I moved away from him. I ran out the exit door and tried
to climb through the waist high shrubs to see what was on the other
side. I was in the frenzied "gotta get away from him" mood. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to know he hurt me with his words.
He came
out and said, "What the f*ck are you doing? You know we can't go off of
the path. We have to go to the end."
Ahead of us, there was a split
in the path. Finally, we had a choice. I stood there trying to decide
which path to take. He started down one path and I purposely took the
other path. He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I would pick a
path other than his. I just thought to myself that I had to do it - had
to move forward on my own and take my chances with whatever was waiting
for me. You couldn't see anything ahead on either path. It was dark
and foggy. He motioned for me to go to his path and I shook my head.
We both started walking on our paths, walking the same slow pace like we didn't want to separate from each other, going in
opposite directions and getting further and further away from each
other. He'd look back at me and I'd look back at him. Then, I couldn't
see him anymore and came to a door to a shed.
I just stood there
staring at the door to the shed, trying to get the courage to open it. I
opened it and was greeted by a bright burst of light.
Then, I woke up.
Very stressful dream. I have a feeling it has to do with emotions that surface occasionally due to recurring feelings for Mr. Tingles. (See previous blogs.) And from wishful thinking about wanting someone in my life every now and then. This week had some disappointments and my defenses are down. I'm feeling a little needy and confused and restless. Directionless.
I had such a nice long weekend last weekend and I hoped to go back to work refreshed and happy. However, I went back stressed and anxious. I'm not someone who likes to ask for help. I just tend to do everything myself and tend to be the one who helps everyone else out. Self sufficient. Stems from a lifetime of trying to find people like myself whom will help me and yet being routinely let down. Sometimes by their purposeful choices and sometimes because they just can't help me. After awhile, you start to realize that most people (I said "most people") are selfish in nature and aren't inclined to just offer help unless there's something in it for them or unless it doesn't inconvenience them.
However, I asked for help. I reached out to a couple of people for assistance and both people let me down.
I used to have a supervisor at another company who said that every "challenge" was an opportunity to succeed. Yes, yes, it was also an opportunity to fail, but we needed to focus on success instead of failure. Every time I go out on a limb with someone and open up to them, and let them know I'm feeling weak or need some help, I see it as an opportunity for the other person to step up and prove to me that I've made a successful choice in them as friends. Sadly, I did not have success this week. That left me a little raw. Not only did I let on that I needed help but then I didn't get the help I needed, which only proved my theory that it's better for me to just not ask for help at all and muddle through. Can't rely on anyone but myself. I am an island.
Then, yesterday (Friday), I was minding my own business, trying to focus on the peaceful feeling that I had survived another week of work. I had to teach some new stuff this week and I am always worried about not doing a good job when I teach new stuff. I didn't have anyone to mentor me or watch over me while I taught so I felt like the pressure to be perfect was magnified. No safety net. Again, typical of my life. I tend to be the one to offer to be someone's safety net, but no one offers to be my safety net. Anyhow... I made it through. I did okay. I could have done better but towards the end of the week, I started to realize I didn't really "care" one way or the other if I did a good job. Someone is always unhappy with the learning they receive and I can't keep having sleepless nights worrying about whether or not I did a good job. At some point, "average" has to be okay.
I digress. I was decompressing. Ready for the weekend. Hopeful for a night of GOONIES at a local park and hopeful for a night of live music at a local bar. Then, Mr. Tingles started flirting with this woman. I hardly know the woman and hate to pass judgement but the few times I have gotten near her or talked to her, my "user" radar went off the grid and I got the vibe that she's one of those women who plays dumb to get men to do things for her and then once she gets them to do things for her, she then uses sex to keep them doing things for her. Ok, yeah, nothing wrong with it if the guys are willing, right? I just get mad at men who let their d*cks do their thinking for them for some hot chick. Maybe I was still a bit angry that no one wants to help me. Maybe if I was hotter. Whatever. Out of nowhere, I felt this surge of jealousy. Not a "he's my man" type of jealousy because we don't have that kind of relationship, but a "why can't guys flirt with me like that?" kind of jealousy. I lost my appetite and interest in any kind of human interaction. I normally don't feel jealous. I don't. Jealousy is based in insecurities, which I obviously must have if I didn't think I was interesting enough, pretty enough, etc to keep the guy's attention. He came and talked to me but all I kept thinking was "you'd rather be with her, you'd rather be with her, you'd rather be with her." I think she wanted to be with him, too, but didn't know how to get him away from me since he was already sitting with me and talking to me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and be invisible. To make matters worse, someone else came by and started teasing me about trying to look a certain way to lure men. Normally, I'd joke and laugh but it kind of stung -- made me feel like I was being mocked. Woosh. Yeah, the rest of the day sort of went haywire after that.
I felt awkward and raw. I couldn't make eye contact with my male friend for fear he'd see what I was thinking and feeling and I did not want him to think I was having those kinds of feelings at all. I think he picked up on my weird mood but I couldn't tell him "Hey, look, I saw you flirting with that girl and it was pretty obvious that the two of you would like to bonk each others' brains out and you felt obligated to hang out with me and I felt jealous of the whole physical chemistry you two had and wanted someone to look at me the way you looked at her... and then the minute I thought of the two of you bonking, I got even more jealous because it made me realize you might be a good bonker... and these are thoughts I shouldn't be having about you... so, um, yeah.... how about the weather?"
I'm okay now. I think my dream may have been generated as a result of this day of odd feelings. Maybe not. Maybe I'm ready to let go of Mr. Tingles but don't want him to be ready to have me let go of him. We had a couple of good weeks but seem to be backsliding. I feel awkward and am having a hard time totally squashing the tingles that pop up at inconvenient times. He seems distracted. Our conversations have been awkward. A couple of people have commented to us while we were together how "great" we are together and how well we complement each other... and how we balance each other. They aren't saying these things in a "romance" way but I fear he might hear it that way and is wigging out at the possibility of being "connected" to me that way. I've gotten used to it -- I've heard it at least once every couple of weeks for the past year or so. I just shrug it off and count my blessings to have someone who does get me. I just don't want him running for the hills, thinking I'm doodling his name on my notebook, so I'm overly aware of my comments to him and my harmless flirting.
Ah, the matters of the heart. I really wish there was an on/off button. With one of those locking plastic cases over it so that I don't accidentally turn it on (or off) without making a conscious decision to do so.
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