One Girl Revolution

Raise your hand if your lipstick
Doesn't make you a dumb chick
Raise your hand if the shape of your hips
Don't compare to the shape of your mind
You don't even stand a chance
I'm not taking off my pants

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a barbie doll, shopping mall, silicone substitution
I thought I told ya
I'm a soldier
And I'm not leaving til the battle's over
One girl revolution

Raise your hand if you're smart, girls
More than pushups and pearls
Let 'em stare at our pictures, baby
While we take over the world
Raise your hand if you're not another carbon bopy wannabe like everybody else
Raise your hand if you've got something more to say

I'm here to start a one girl revolution
I'm not a perfect ten, paper thin, Hollywood illusion
I thought I told ya
I'm a soldier
And I'm not leaving til the party's over
One girl revolution

It's amazing how good you can feel about yourself once you start to have a "don't care" attitude.

Well, okay...  maybe that's not the right thing to say.  I DO care about things.  I care about my friends, my family, my cat, my life...  people's feelings, the environment, etc.

However, for the past month or so, I've been trying to adopt a "don't care" attitude as it pertains to what motivates me to do certain things in my life.  Mainly men.  I have been re-evaluating the amount of influence men have on my decisions and actions.

As soon as I made up my mind that I am not interested in romance at the moment and that I don't need to have a significant other to be complete, the pressure was off of me to pretend to be someone I'm not, to become someone I'm not.  I feel more comfortable in my skin.  I don't have to "try" so hard to be amusing, entertaining, interesting or attractive.  I can say what I want to men without worrying that they won't find me a suitable romantic potential.  I can wear what I want because I want to wear it, not because I want to impress a guy.  I can cut my hair off and not worry that some guy will be disappointed.  I can choose to wear make up (or not wear make up) just to make myself feel good.  I don't have to make apologies for who I am or who I am not.

I don't have to go to the gym unless I want to go to the gym and then, when I do go, I'm only going because I want to be healthier.  Not because I want to look better for a man.  Or compete with a man.  Or be like some ideal some man has of the perfect woman.  It's amazing how much stress I was creating for myself all in the name of "finding someone".  I scrutinized every bite of food I put into my mouth.  I pushed myself at the gym, imagining the look on some guy's face when I squeezed into a size 8 jeans and shook my a$$ in his direction.  I worried about sweating in front of men at the gym because I didn't want to look un-feminine and gross.  The reality is -- I don't want to be a size 8.  I just want to be healthy.  I want to be loved for who I am, not for the size of my body.  Healthy can be a size 20.  Unhealthy can be a size 2.  

I like having curves and don't understand why guys like women who look like skeletons.  It just isn't me.  However, most of the men I've been encountering want that.  Blame television, blame peer pressure, blame COSMO...  To each his own.   I've never been thin and I don't think I ever will be.   I've accepted this.  Now, I can sleep at night without worrying about how many more calories I have to burn or how many more miles I need to clock at the gym before I meet someone else's standards.  

No, no, I haven't given up.  No, no, I'm not doing this so that I can slack.  I want to be healthier.  I do want to lose some weight so that I can sleep better, move better, breathe better...  I am not doing it for a specific person.  I have no set goal weight.  I just want to look in the mirror and be satisfied that I look healthy and happy.  That could be 5 lbs from now or 50.  Whatever it takes and whenever it happens.  I'm not going to kill myself and feel guilty about choosing to have a life over going to the gym.  In the grand scheme of things, I'm doing everything else right.  I don't smoke.  I only drank once a month, if that, and now I've given that up.  I don't drink soda.  I don't do energy drinks.  I do don't drugs.  I take vitamins.  I eat fruits and vegetables with every meal. I don't overindulge.

Now that I've made up my mind to not "chase" (whether it be in person or in my mind) that guy I've referenced before, I don't feel self conscious with him.  I don't worry that what I say, do or ask in his presence will make him see me differently.  I am more real and more myself with him than I have ever been. No pretenses.  I feel comfortable joking with him and giving him a rough time without worrying that I've crossed a line.  I can flirt and tease without worrying that he's going to think I'm really trying to lure him into my web.  I don't compare myself to the women he seems to like and wish I was more like them.  I can't be what he wants.  I can't make him want me to be what he wants.  I like being low maintenance.  What you see is what you get.  There are no surprises or hidden agendas.  So, if that makes me less of a romantic partner, then so be it. I'll be the friend who supports them when the high maintenance chicks run off with their money.  I've been treating all of the men in my life the same.  I have fun with them.  I am myself with them.  However, I am not chasing them. Some day, I'll find the one man who is destined to be with me, as friend and lover. I will thank my male friends for allowing me to be me and accepting me as I am until I fell madly in love with someone else. We can all hang out and play pool together. Or something.

In my personal life, I've been doing things for the pure enjoyment and entertainment of doing things... not because of whom I might meet, who might see me there or whom I might impress with these activities.  Life is too short and I approach everything as an opportunity to make a memory - from going alone to a cherry blossom festival in a park I never heard of before to climbing Mt. Trashmore to going to a co-worker's birthday party at a biker bar.  I am happy doing things alone and exploring on my own.  I spent four wonderful hours at the beach yesterday.  Walked up and down the boardwalk.  People watched.  Took photos.  Stuck my toes in the water and the sand.  Got sunburned.  Sure, it would have been fun to have some company, especially when something funny would happen and I wanted to say, "Oooh, did you see that?" but...  I've come to accept that people aren't going to be available when I am and if I wait on them to be available, I might miss out on some things.  Today, I went to the Farmer's Market.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Or the next day?  I like being able to do what I want when I want without any outside motivators, such as "Oh, I wonder if I'll meet a man...." or "I wonder if so&so will find me more interesting if I did this..."

I've given up drinking for that reason.  

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I drink for courage to do things.  I also drink to appear more social and more "in crowd" than I am.  I am a rather bookish, home-body type.  I don't do the club scene.   I am totally capable of being interesting without alcohol.  Not to mention that it's so expensive.  I started drinking last year due to stress at work and to try to impress a guy with my mad social skills and ability to drink.  My hopes were that we could go drinking together some day.  I enjoy a good beer (not wine) or mixed drink.  However, it never happened and my drinking (or lack thereof now) doesn't seem to impress him either way so why continue to spend money on it in hopes he'll want to do it with me?  That's not who I am.  If he ever wants to go for a beer, I'm all in.  However, I'm not going to only seek out bars and alcohol-based events to try to get him to do stuff with me.  My bank account thanks me.

At work, I've been less "afraid" of my boss.  I have a tendency to worry myself to death about doing the right thing all the time. Authority figures scare me.  I have the nickname "Can't Get Right" because it seems that whenever I try to do the right thing, something backfires and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.  I never know how to gauge moods and expectations. There's a joke about the only reward for doing a good job at work is more work and I feel like I live that on a daily basis.  I keep trying to put myself in her shoes and try to understand her perspective.  I also try not to worry so much about everything.  I'm getting better with how I handle stress for the most part.  To be honest, I'm sort of falling into the "it just is what it is" mindset.  I have no power over decisions.  I have no voice.  I'm a drone.  So, I show up, do my 200% and go home.  I'll keep doing this until I win the lottery, get fired or find another job.  I prefer the winning lottery scenario.  I've been afraid to talk to a male friend at work because I'm afraid I'll get in trouble for socializing.  But, he's my friend.  He's not my dirty little secret.  So, I'm not so afraid to talk to him and joke with him when the boss is around anymore.  She knows we're friends.  I don't know that she totally condones it but it makes me a happier employee to have a friend so that alone should be encouragement to leave us alone.  We're not doing anything wrong.  We're not dating.  We're not having sex in the blind spot in one of the rooms.  We're friends.  We try to boost each other up and support each other.   Other people have questioned our relationship and have tried to insert themselves into it and I just don't have the time for those people.  I always feel like they are on a fishing expedition for gossip instead of friendship.  I've had women corner me and want to know about him for their own possibly romantic purposes.  They get mad when I don't want to play their game.  What he tells me and what we talk about is our business.  If they want to know about him, they have to ask him themselves.  I'm not a matchmaker and I'm not going to risk a friendship to fill in a fellow "sister" with his life story (not that I know it.)  They get annoyed when all I do tell them is funny stuff that primarily involves me and things I've done and said with him or to him.  I even had one take me out for drinks to try to "get dirt".  Whatever.  My loyalty is with him.   So, I've had a new attitude at work.   I do my thing.  I don't worry so much about what other people think.  It works for the most part.  Oh, I have slippage.  There are people who like to try to find my weaknesses and push my buttons and depending on my frame of mind, I sometimes let them get to me.  But, then I tell myself to be a honey badger and I move on.

The reality is -- I only have myself to rely on.  I don't have a strong support system and I can count on one hand the number of true friends I have.  If I spend most of my time worrying about how I look to other people and what my worth is to other people, I'm going to spend a lot of time later regretting missed opportunities.

A week ago, someone I knew at a former job died unexpectedly.  I hadn't talked to her in years so I didn't feel like I have any right to be devastated by this news.  I'm sad for her family's loss.  However, her death has made me realize that there are a lot of things I want to do with my life.  I don't want to be known as the "hard worker".  I was reading what people were posting on her FB wall and a lot of it had to do with her job.  F that, as my male friend would say.  Life is more than work.

So, I'm hoping this attitude adjustment will help me live more and regret less.