Listen To Your Heart

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

I was standing in line at the sandwich counter at the local grocery store tonight after work, listening to Roxette sing about "listening to your heart" and thinking about a gazillion other things... mostly that my ankles hurt, my head hurts and my heart hurts.  

There were 4 people in front of me in line so I knew I'd have some time to immerse myself in the song and wonder what it would be like if I actually listened to my body parts when they spoke to me about things like love, friendship, not doing foolish things.  I probably wouldn't have sent an email over the weekend that appears to have changed a friendship I have with someone.

I don't know if I made a sound or accidentally sang out loud or something, but the gentleman in line in front of me turned and looked at me.  I smiled at him.  I'm nice that way.  He smiled back.  He was an older gentleman.  Furry faced, kind looking.  I went back to "listening to my heart" when all of a sudden, he spoke.

"Why is it so hard to find a good woman?"  he asked.  I looked around to see if he was talking to someone else, but, no, it was me.  I just shook my head, smiled and said, "It depends on where you are looking."

He shook his head and said, "Women just want a meal ticket."  I frowned a little and shook my head.  

"Not all women," I said. I hate when people make generalizations about the opposite sex based on previous bad experiences. He sort of grimaced and then told me that he had been seeing someone for 14 months and she just all of a sudden decided she didn't want to see him anymore.  I made an empathetic sound and told him that I was sorry to hear that.  Then, I told him that it was her loss and that I hoped he'd have better luck in the future.  He laughed a little, one of those harsh "you are just telling me what I want to hear" laughs.  I know the laugh.  I use the laugh.

"What about you?  Do you have someone?"  he asked.  I just shook my head.  I felt tears forming behind my eyes.  I could smell the saline of those tears in my nose.  I looked away and cleared my head.

"No.  I haven't been lucky," I admitted.  He laughed loudly and said, "Luck ain't got nothing to do with it.  You have to make it happen.  You ever been married?"  I told him I haven't been married.  He frowned then and said that I seemed like such a nice girl and that there had to be some guy out there who wanted me.  I laughed.  I laughed the "you are just telling me what I want to hear" laugh.

"I do think there's someone for everyone," I told him.  He asked me if I ever came close to finding that someone.

I was going to answer him, but then it was his turn to order his sandwich.  He turned towards the counter to place his order and the moment was lost. 

For a moment, I actually considered sharing with the total stranger how I feel about someone, someone who doesn't appreciate me or see the connection we have and who fights me and it nearly every day, who hurts my heart.

He got his sandwich and turned and gave me a little salute as he walked away.  I ordered my sandwich and then headed towards the checkout.

As I was waiting in line, the song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, came on. 

I'm feeling a little sad about some stuff I foolishly did, but Celine is right.  My heart will go on.