I've Been A Bad Bad Girl

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and
I want to
Suffer for my sins
I've come to you
'Cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know
Where I can begin
What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Whenever I say the words, I've been a "bad girl", I automatically start signing the song Criminal by Fiona Apple in my head.  I know the song is about a woman and a man.  I haven't been that kind of a bad girl.  However, I couldn't find any songs about being a bad girl with food.

The weight loss challenge at work ended a few weeks ago.  I'm happy to report I ended the challenge 22.2 lbs down from where I was at the beginning of the year.  It was true weight loss.  There were some people at work who purposely padded up for the first weigh in so that they'd have a larger overall weight loss.  I did not do that.  So, I'm proud of myself.  For most of the challenge, I was in the top 12 overall losers, but then a couple of people came in at the last minute with a higher loss and pushed me out of the top 12.  Still, I'm proud of myself.

Now to the bad girl part.  

I've done nothing to keep the momentum going since the challenge ended.  First, I hurt my right foot/ankle.  I've been to the doctor.  They think the initial problem was just a strain.  However, X Rays have shown bone spurs and it's been recommended that I go to a podiatrist.  Bone spurs.  Really?  I'm still in pain weeks later and I haven't been back to the gym since my initial injury.  I keep using my foot as an excuse.  It really does hurt, to my defense.  If I stand all day on it, by the end of the day, my ankle is swollen and my foot hurts so bad that I have to come home and elevate it and ice it.  I've been taking pain meds and muscle relaxers to help me sleep because it's tender and throbs.  Guess I'd better see a podiatrist but I don't have the sick time or the money for the visits.  Specialist visits are almost twice as a regular doctor visit.

Food-wise - forget about it.  I eat fine during the day.  I eat a healthy breakfast.  I eat a healthy lunch.  I drink water. I avoid sweets and snack foods.  But, then I get home and all bets are off.  I don't feel like eating salad.  I don't feel like cooking.  So, I've resorted to my old stand by -- quick foods from the local grocery store deli.  Subs, chicken, prepared pasta salads, soup...  Dollar menu items from fast food restaurants.  Nothing healthy, that's for sure.  Convenient.  On the weekend, I tend to skip breakfast and sometimes lunch, then have one large meal for dinner.  Again, not wise.  Not healthy.  The entire time, I'm chastising myself and arguing with myself.  I will pull out some veggies and then I'm just not "in the mood" for them and put them back and choose to make some other starchy food.  I've tried not to buy too many "unhealthy" things, but I always seem to unearth something in the fridge or freezer that is not the best choice.  Then, I'll be remorseful, run to the store and buy fresh fruit and spend the entire next day eating nothing but watermelon, cantaloupe, oranges and honeydew.  All delicious and nutritious... but not a healthy balance of food.  I'll get hungry again and then binge on something else.

I feel sick and tired.  My tummy is touching the steering wheel again.  I'm sure I've gained back at least 5 lbs of the 22 I've lost.  

I keep telling myself "tomorrow, I'll start over", then "tomorrow" comes and my schedule is packed and I skip dinner... or eat a late dinner.  Tomorrow comes and I have a not-so-great day or encounter with someone at work and I come home in a bad mood, eat something quick and easy and go to bed before it even has a chance to digest.  I've been so busy with work that I don't drink enough water.  I've been dehydrated and headachey.  I feel sluggish.  I'm mad at myself.

I want to be a success.  I do.  It's just so hard.  I envy the people who can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce.  I envy the people who can go to the gym every night for an hour every night and not ache and moan about it. I envy the people who have the time and energy to do that.  I know I could if I really tried.  I haven't felt like trying.

I stand here and stare at myself in the mirror and hate what I see.  I get so angry and frustrated by how long it is taking to lose weight and see a difference in my body.  I've had people (women) come up to me at work and tell me that they can see my body changing, but I don't see it.  I look in the mirror and see the too-large arms, the flabby belly and jiggly thighs.  I see the double chin.  I see the pudgy knees and elbows. 

I need a boost of some sort.  I need an injection of confidence and willpower.  I need a magic motivation pill.  I need to stop making excuses and just get back into it, but once you break a "good" habit, it is so much harder to start over again.

Now that the weight loss challenge is over, no one at work is really focusing on eating healthy and being healthy.  I don't have that support.  I need support.  I need a cheerleader and accountability.  Just this past week, I was "encouraged" four different times to have something that wasn't good for me.  And 3 of the 4 times, I caved.  Peer pressure is an amazing thing.  I can't afford Weight Watchers.

If I had someone helping me and supporting me, I think I'd be more apt to stick to it.  My male friend was trying/badgering me for awhile but even he gave up on me when he realized I had a ready excuse for why I couldn't or wouldn't go to the gym.  The eating thing was fine.  I had a grasp on that.

I eat when I'm stressed out or worried.  I've been worried about money a lot lately.  I've been stressed about someone I care about and the state of our relationship.  I use these bad emotions as crutches to eat badly.  It's like self-sabotage.  If other areas of my life are crappy and out of control, why not toss in eating badly, too?  Let's have it all go straight to hell. 

I've been bouncing around the idea of having weight loss surgery.

I looked into it when I lived in Columbus, but I was able to lose weight on my own, following Weight Watchers, and because of that, my doctor suggested I just do that instead of exposing myself to the risk of a surgery. 

That was almost a decade ago and I'm sure procedures have changed and the risk isn't as big as it used to be.

I'm signed up for an "information session" this Wednesday at a local hospital.

I think that if I do something so drastic as having my stomach reduced to the size of my thumb, then I'll have no choice but to eat healthier and lose weight.

I talked to a friend about it a few weeks ago, a friend who had the surgery.  She said I had to do it for the right reasons.  For health reasons.  I laughed and said, "To be honest, I just want to be thinner sooner so that there's some chance of attracting someone before I'm too old."  She didn't laugh with me.  She did the typical friend thing and told me that if a guy loves me, he's going to love me at 300+ lbs and if he doesn't, then he isn't worth having.

I told her, "Yeah, but I don't love me at this size."

And it's the truth.  I've tried to love myself.  I think I have an awesome personality.  I'm smart.  I'm funny.  I have a lot of hobbies and interests.  I'm not boring.  I'm a good friend.  I clean up nice.  I have nice eyes and a nice smile.  

But, then I don't want to think about from the neck down.  

(sigh)  I have no witty ending to this blog.   Just feeling a little down at the moment.

How do I fall in love with me as I am?  How do I change if I'm not lovable as is?  How do I get back on track?

If I were a honey badger, I wouldn't give a shit.  

But I'm not a honey badger. 

I want to be a honey badger.