What I Do Know...

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the french I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geography
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about algebra
Don't know what a slide rule is for

But I do know that one and one is two
And if this one could be with you
What a wonderful world this would be

I've been watching the Hallmark Channel tonight.  That means romantic comedy overload.

In honor of this single woman's Saturday night, I've decided to write a blog about what I've learned from chick flicks, romantic comedies and romance novels.  Some of this is useful, but most of it is tongue in cheek.  I'm not feeling the love at the moment.  Kind of worn out on it, to be honest.  I just cannot figure out men.  But, I'm working on it.  And by the power of Alanis Morrisette lyrics, I will get better.

Here's my take on these flicks:

If you are a single chick and run out to the convenience store in the middle of the night for something like condoms, personal hygience products, etc, you will run into the only single, straight attractive man who lives in your neighborhood... and worse, you will need to borrow money from him for the shameful items because you only have your debit/credit card and the store, unbeknownest to you, only takes cash. You will hope to never see the guy again, but, guess what?  He happens to live in your building... or next door to your parents... or...  well, you'll run into him again.  The good news -- he now knows you are sexually active and/or when your period is.  No need for him to ask later, when you freak out on him over something dumb, "Is it that time of the month?"  He'll already know.

If you are a pretty straight-laced gal dating a pretty straight-laced guy, you will meet some quirky, fun-loving, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type who will help you bring out the inner wild child inside of you, making you question your nice, stable relationship with the nice, stable man.  Just as you are about to resign yourself that a nice, stable relationship is what you want, the quirky ne'er do well will do something to endear himself to you and you will fall in love with him... at the precise moment the nice, stable guy proposes. You'll say yes to the nice, stable guy because we all know that quirkiness is just a mask for immaturity and eventually your anal retentive ways will become annoyed by the quirkiness.  You'll almost make it right to the "I Do" with Mr. Stable, then in a moment of immature quirkiness, you decide you'd rather be with Peter Pan for however long he'll have you instead of with someone who will put a roof over your head for 50 years.  

If you consider yourself a "plain Jane" type, someone, at some point, will offer you a makeover.  You'll go from being "girl next door" to va va vavoom sex kitten in the span of several long hours at the spa, and then reveal yourself in slow motion, while some seductive love song plays in the background, to the one guy who has been ignoring you.  He'll be mesmerized.  You'll feel like Cinderella at the ball.  Then, within a few weeks, you'll grow tired of all of the upkeep and maintenance of being Cinderella and go back to your plain Jane ways.  But, that's ok.  You'll find out that the guy who was ignoring you hadn't been ignoring you and actually liked you as the Plain Jane.  Save the sexy lingerie though.  Even if he says he likes you just the way you are, he secretly reads your Victoria's Secret catalog and wishes you owned more crotchless lace teddies. In red. Or black.

If you are overweight and a plain Jane, and put yourself on some major overhaul diet and exercise program to catch the eye of some man you've been secretly lusting, you will find him to be shallow and boring once you finally land him and realize that the male best friend who was there for you pre-weight loss and who is there for you post-shallow man disappointment is actually the man you really want.  Assuming he isn't gay.  You'll be tempted to gain all of the weight back but actually enjoy the fact that you can wear corduroy jeans without your thighs rubbing together and creating a little fire... and that weird swoosh swoosh swoosh sound that comes from wearing corduroy jeans on your chubby thighs.  But, it's okay.  You can stay thin now and know that 10 years from now when you balloon up from producing 2.5 kids with the good guy, he'll still be with you.  He'll probably be chubbier too.  Low expectations and all that.

If you meet someone who absolutely makes your blood boil because he stands for everything you despise, you will have sex with him at some point.  Probably as a result of a drunken episode. Karaoke will probably be involved.  You'll want to forget it, but for him, it will be the most unforgettable sex he's ever had and he will want more.  However, Sober You still hates his guts.  Drunk You likes his penis.  What's a girl to do?  You get to know him better and realize that his behavior is probably stemming from some unresolved Mommy or Daddy issues.  Or low self esteem.  Or some woman who broke his heart.  Sober You will help him over his issues.  He'll fall madly and insanely in love with you.  His penis will thank Drunk You later.

If you have sex with a total stranger while on vacation, trying to get over someone else, you will probably end up pregnant... and then run into said total stranger later and have to try to explain the baby bump, while protesting "It's Not Yours!", which just makes you look like a slut.  Vacation Sex Guy will want to be part of the baby's life.  You will be forced to get to know him as more than "Cabana Boy".   You actually realize he's kind of a nice guy, who just went on vacation to have sex with a stranger to get over someone too.  Mutual itch scratched.  However, the dude you were trying to get over will resurface as well as the dudette he was trying to get over. Uh oh!  Who do you pick? Decisions, decisions.  Well, your baby does need a daddy.  Right?  I mean, you don't want to raise him/her by yourself.  You pick Vacation Guy and he picks you and you hope your kid will think it's funny some day when you tell him/her that they were a vacation souvenir.  You jokingly say, "Yeah, I usually just bring back shot glasses."

If you have a crush on a co-worker and your company has a policy against dating, you will be consistently paired up with the co-worker on projects, creating a lot of sexual tension, awkward moments and frustration that eventually results in a triste in the copier room.  You both try to pretend it didn't happen but it's hard.  At some point, you decide you can't work with someone you love and quit your job.  Of course you do.  Why would he be the one to make a sacrifice?  He is absolutely miserable without you.  He gets promoted and changes the corporate policy to allow dating.  His new secretary takes a shining to him and tries to seduce him, just as you walk in on them.  He swears he had nothing to do with it.  You think he changed the policy so he could see how good her.. short hand... is.  You eventually work out your issues, go back to work and giggle like fiends each time you run into each other at the water cooler.  Luckily, his office door locks and his new secretary is a gay man who is happily involved with another gay man.

If you are interested in a man who seemingly has no interest in you, as soon as you introduce another man into the picture, he'll be more interested.  His fear of losing you will conquer his fear of commitment.  Nevermind some other harmless man gets used and hurt.  You win.  You get the guy.

Aaaaah, is it no wonder I have no friggin clue how to deal with men?  (shaking head)

And yet I love my chick flicks.  I hope to be one some day.  I often joke that my life has many of the key ingredients for one.  The only thing missing is the ta-dah moment where the guy and I get our shit together.

Maybe I need to switch to horror films.  The only goal for those is to be alive in the end.  I think I can manage that one.