Have I What?

Originally posted 02/19/2006 10:45am

A few months ago, I was lamenting to a co-worker about how I always seem to be (sinus) congested at night and that sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night so congested that I can't breathe and have to resort to nasal spray to de-congest and go back to sleep. She mentioned that she has a diffuser in her bedroom and that every night, she places a few drops of eucalyptus oil in it and that helps her breathe better.

I searched the regular places for the oil and had no luck. A quick internet search provided me with the name of a small local "health foods" store. (Although- the only "foods" they sell there are protein and soy based snack bars and chips.) I bought a small bottle and have been using it every night by placing a couple of drops on a cotton pad and putting it on my nightstand. I'm pleased to say that the number of nights I wake up choking due to sinus congestion have reduced.

I ran out of oil Friday night, so yesterday (2-18-06), I hopped over to the health foods store to replenish my supply. I like to browse in health food stores because I hope that just by being near so many things that are allegedly good for me I just may become healthier by osmosis or something. I wandered up and down the tiny cramped aisles with my oil in hand. The manager/owner/clerk approached me.

"Can I help you find something?" she asked. [Maybe I was lingering too long and she was afraid I was shoving bottles of tee tree oil in my pants or something.]
"No, I'm just looking," I smiled and said-- and held up the bottle of eucalyptus oil as proof I really was going to buy something at some point.

She smiled and sort of hovered and then she said, "Aaah, are you feeling congested?" when I stopped in front of some potions for cleansing the sinuses. I smiled and nodded and held up the bottle of oil again. "Yes, this helps a lot."

Then, she leaned in closer and said, "Have you cleansed your colon lately?" I was taken aback. That seems like such a personal question-- like "Have you been touching yourself lately?" It is also not a question you can just brush off. I mean, who can say "I don't remember"? I'm pretty sure you'd remember cleansing your colon. It's also not one you can pretend to have done because if you say yes and then she follows up with another question about the process, you're stuck-- unless you actually know what it means to cleanse your colon. My imagination is vivid and all kinds of things came to mind-- most of them including rubber tubing and warm liquid.

"No," I said timidly, putting some space between the two of us.
"Aaaah, did you know that if you do not regularly cleanse your colon, bacteria can collect and cause all sorts of problems from sinus congestion to weight gain?" she asked, leading me towards this shelf filled with bottles of pills.
"I did not know that," I said, which was the truth, but I still had no hankering to cleanse my colon.
"Yes- you should do it at least once a month and we have some pills you can take to help you do it gently and safely," she said, holding up a bottle with a flourish. The bottle bore a $24.95 price tag. I was waiting for the voice over that proclaimed that I would get some free gift with my purchase or that I could pay for it in monthly installments.

"I really just came for this," I said, holding up my $5 bottle of oil.

The woman tsked and put the pills back.

"But, I swear, the next time I'm here, I'll check out the colon cleanser," I added. Mentally I was trying to think of other places to buy the oil so that I'd never have to discuss my colon with her again.

I paid for my oil and left.