You Can Run But You Can't Hide

Originally posted 06/15/2005 8:31pm

I'm listening to the new Backstreet Boys CD. Yes, I like boy bands. I may be 30something but I happen to appreciate a cute, younger man. If he can sing, it's a bonus. Unfortunately, I've now reached the age where the "cute" boys bagging my groceries are almost old enough to be a son. Hmmm... oh well, I still have the Backstreet Boys.

In 1994, I hadn't discovered the beauty of the younger man. As I explained before, when I first got my computer, I was an on-line virgin. On-line dating was relatively new to the world and it was intriguing to me. I was really into pen pals when I was in school-- had them from all over the world. I also found something romantic about falling in love with someone based on mere words on a piece of paper. After the "V" in Vermont episode (scroll back a few blogs if you don't remember), you would have thought I would have been wiser about my on line exploration. I wasn't.

I met "E" in a similar fashion as "V". "E", from Kansas, responded to the same posting wherein I looked for "help" with researching a romance novel. "E" was also a few years older than me. "E" was very eager to help. Almost too eager. I've always considered myself an open book. WYSIWYG. (What you see is what you get.) Ask me a question, I'll give you an answer. "Too much information" has never really been a problem for me. (Unless, of course, it involves someone describing bodily functions then I'm outty.) Anyhow-- "E" was just as prone to diarrhea of the mouth (er, fingers) as I. He was willing to answer any questions I had... and I had many. I didn't exactly "click" with him romantically because he seemed a little on the needy side and I just don't do needy very well. I thought we were developing a genuine friendship, though, and I was thankful for the "male insight" he provided. It was a little intense at times, but we all have our hot buttons. He expressed an interest in dating me, but I never led him down that path. I maintained my "this is just for research" stance. Yes, I had placed the post looking for romance, too, but it wasn't happening with him, so I decided to actually do some research.

At some point in our friendship, things started to get weird. He became more and more strident with his attempts to woo me. I had told him on more than one occasion that I wanted to be his friend and nothing more and kept pointing out to him that I was just doing research. He kept insisting that he WAS the one for me. Nevermind that I never once really told him that I was actively looking for anyone. At one point, I threatened to cease all contact with him if he didn't stop pressuring me. He said to me in an e-mail, "No matter where you go, I'll find you. We are meant to be together." (insert creepy music here)

At that moment, I immediately regretted that I had been so forthcoming with my personal information as we were building a friendship. True-- I knew just about as much information about him as he knew about me, but I never intended to use it for ill purpose. I stopped writing "E" as soon as I got that e-mail. It was just too horror-film for me. The word "stalker" wasn't even in my vocabulary in 1994.

My disappearance from "E"'s inbox did not stop his attempts. I admit that I stupidly opened his emails, curious to see what he had to say. Mostly they were pleas for me to keep writing and promises that he'd stop being so persistent. I didn't respond to them. Then... the snail mail began. When he couldn't rouse me with e-mail, he sent me letters. The letters contained the same message for awhile-- "Please write me. I miss you. You are the best thing that has happened to me." I ignored them.

Then, one day, I came home to this thick envelope from him. I opened it and it was 6 pages, front and back, of the most graphic stuff I had ever read. It takes a lot to shock me and I have a rather large collection of erotica. This man went on for pages about all of the things he wanted to do with me, to me, near me, on top of me, inside of me, etc etc etc. Major ick factor.

I sent an email to the system administrator of the on-line service about his harassment and forwarded them copies of all of the emails he had sent me and told them that he had even taken it to real mail. The system administrator took my complaint seriously and blocked/closed his account, set me up with a new account and gave me instructions on how to block my private information in case he went looking for me again. I cancelled the service altogether and even got a post office box for my personal mail. It didn't even occur to me to turn his letters over to the police. I got one more after the "long creepy one" which I did not open. I wrote "return to sender" on the envelope and sent it back. I never heard from him again, but every now and then, I'd look over my shoulder a few times when I was out alone "just in case" he came looking for me.

As I told a friend about the encounter later, she said to me, "Isn't there a major prison in Kansas?"
That didn't make me feel any better.

I'm still pretty open (as you can tell) but I do have some trust issues and it takes me awhile before I just give out information like addresses, phone numbers, etc. I know that it's hard to hide everything in this technologically savvy world and I don't want to walk around fearful that everyone I meet will become a stalker, but I am a little wiser now.