Every Breath You Take

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

In September, 2007, I was diagnosed with Hyperventilation Syndrome .  Now, I know that sounds like some sort of fake disease or condition.  I think I may have laughed when my doctor told me about it. 

You see, it started out looking like something much more serious.

On my last day of work at my previous company, I woke up in the middle of the night (before my last day) with this cramp in my left calf muscle.  It was far worse than any charley horse I had ever experienced.  It lasted 15 minutes.  It hurt so badly that I remember biting my pillow and crying.  Then, when the spasm finally ended, my chest started to hurt.  My thoughts immediately went to embolism.  A cyber friend of mine had recently died from a clot that had happened in her leg and traveled to her lungs.  I was so scared.  The chest pain did not go away so I drove myself to the ER.  They ran all sorts of tests, hooked me up to machines and IVs and tinkered around me for hours.  My blood pressure was stroke-high.  I was dehydrated.  My EKG had abnormalities.  They injected some sort of blood pressure stabilization medicine and slapped on a nitro patch.  They eventually released me once my levels were normal and the pains went away.  I didn't have a heart attack.  They wrote it off as an anxiety attack.

Over the course of the next month, I was back at the ER 6 more times for a variety of things - more chest pains, blurry vision, radiating pain in my brain (I now have "insane in the membrane" stuck in my head), night sweats, muscle spasms, dizziness, tingling in my lips and fingers, high fever, low fever, insomnia, uber fatigue, vomitting, back aches....  I was a walking episode of "Mystery Diagnosis."  I had stress tests, CT scans, MRIs, echocardiogram, and even a cardiac catheterization, which I do not wish on anyone.  I was admitted to the hospital every time, spending the night in the cardiac ward.  It was a very scary experience and a very lonely experience, as I wasn't working any more and was preparing for my move to Virginia so I didn't really see or talk to anyone on a regular basis.  Everyone was baffled because despite being obese, diabetic and hypertensive, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my heart (except that it had been broken a few times.)

Then, I went to see my family doctor for a final visit before my move to Virginia, to collect my medical file and to say goodbye to all of the nice people in his office.  I was telling him about my ER adventures and he said, "I want to try something."  He then had me breathe from the chest (not the diaphragm as we're taught) rapidly and shallowly.  Then, he left the room and said he'd be back.  While he was gone, my body temperature started to drop and I started to shiver.  Then, my lip went numb, then my fingers.  I started to get chest pains and nausea.  My vision went blurry.  My head started hurting and I felt like total sh*t.  I wanted to curl up and cry.

He came back with a paper bag.  "Now, breathe into this," he said.  He had me breathe the "right way" in and out while covering my mouth with a paper bag.  After a few minutes of this, I noticed that I didn't feel as dizzy.  He had me lie back on the table and continue to do it every few minutes or so until I felt fairly normal again.

Then, he said, "You have hyperventilation syndrome."  Nice, tidy and quick.  I guess I should have seen him first.  He explained all of the symptoms and all of the by products of what happens once it happens.  I asked him why now? He said it may have been the stress of moving.  It may have been posture.  It may have just been my weight.  He didn't have a good root cause.  He said most of the time, it's psychological and sadly, once a person develops it, they rarely get rid of it.

For awhile, the "episodes" were a regular part of my life.  Even knowing what it was, it didn't make me feel better.  For me, once it happens -- and the sad thing is, I don't even realize it's happening until I start to feel all shaky, sick, numb and cold -- I'm not functional.  The only way I can restore normal breathing is to lie down in bed on my right side, pull the covers over my head and breathe in and out until I fall asleep.  While I'm asleep, my body resets itself and I resume normal breathing.   

I hadn't had an episode in months.  Months.  Then, two weeks ago, they started again.  At work.  It's a very scary thing to be sitting at your desk at work and realize that you feel like you can't breathe and at any moment, you could pass out.  No one at work knows about this condition.  Mainly because I don't like bringing my personal business to work and also because there's not exactly anything anyone can do. I can't go home and take a nap, so I soldier through, usually so out of it by the end of the day that I can't focus.  I come off distracted, irritable and unhappy when it happens.  I do a lot of yawning when it happens, which makes everyone think I'm super sleepy or very boring.  Then, I get really cold.  My office has irregular air conditioning -- one day, it's hot, the next it's cold.  Yet, once I get one of my episodes, I can't get warm enough.  People think I'm odd to be wearing a thick sweater on a 100 degree day. Then, because my stomach is filled with all of the air I've been sucking in, I get nauseated.  I've often had to make myself vomit to release the foam and air that has built up in my stomach.  (Pretty picture, eh?)  I turn into a 5 year old, wanting to lie down on a cot and have someone rub my back until it's all better.

I'm having one as I type this and I'm mad because I have things I need to do.  I don't have the time to go lie down and be a vegetable for the night.  I was hoping that by writing about it, I'd somehow calm myself down.  It's not working.


I've been trying to think of what kind of changes have been happening lately that may be causing this but I can't think of any.  (sigh)

Anyone got a paper bag?