Will You Marry Me?

Originally posted 06/22/2005 8:05pm

It's December 1995. I was cruising the net looking for a forum much like this one where I could hang out, shoot the breeze, flirt a little, have some fun, etc at the end of a busy day. I was living in a small college town and there really wasn't much to do there after hours. I found a forum for "general merriment" and posted a brief, witty "Hi there..." message in the "Welcome" section of the forum. I had mentioned in my blurb that I was a struggling romance writer, hoping to sound interesting and cerebral.

I received a warm welcome and quickly jumped into the forum with gusto. Posting like crazy--- like I do here-- about all kinds of things. This guy, "JK", kept responding to my posts and would slide in these little flirty comments from time to time. After a couple of weeks, he sent me a private post telling me how much he enjoyed my writing and asked me if I had anything that I'd written off-the-boards that he could read. (i.e my fledging romance novel.)

I know what you're thinking-- the romance novel was a ploy I had used before to meet men, but this time I was actually working on a story. So, I took "JK" up on his offer and emailed him a scenario I had been working on. He wrote me back and told me he loved the story and asked me if I was anything like the female character. I said yes-- that she was a lot like me and a lot like who I wanted to be someday. He asked for more. So, I gave him more. Within days, we were writing about our personal lives and sharing our hopes and dreams. He was very smooth. He always seemed to say the right thing and was very in tune with what women want from a man. I was wooed. He lived in San Diego and there was a three-hour time difference so I would stay up late to get his emails or wake up early to get them. Sometimes, I would run home at lunch to see if he had emailed me. We would send each other these Q&A type e-mails asking everything from "what's your favorite food?" to "if you could have dinner with one person dead or alive, who would it be?"

Then, one cold January day in 1996, he sent me an email stating that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. I was giddy... and scared. I'd heard of on-line romances that turned into the real thing. One of my friends in the forum had met his fiance on line and another one of my friends was involved in her own on line romance at the same time and we would compare notes. Love at no sight? Is it possible? Do I dare hope that I had won a man over based on my brains and personality? Hoorah! Call the press!

So-- I wrote him back that I had feelings, too, but wasn't sure what they were. He said, "No rush. Let's give it 6 months. Then, if we're still together in 6 months, you'll come out here and visit for awhile and see how things go." He then started telling me about all of the places he wanted to take me and how wonderful things were going to be once I got out there. I said, "JK, don't you think it's time we exchange photos? Maybe even talk on the phone?" He said, "Sure. Send me your photo and I'll send you mine." So, I sent him an email with my photo attached. I waited eagerly for his "I'm so glad to finally see your face" or "It's nice to see what you look like." He loved me, right? Looks would be secondary to his love for me.

One day became two. Two became three. Finally, I sent him an email saying, "Hey, did you get my photo?" He wrote me back that yes, he had gotten my photo and said, "I thought you said you were like the woman in your story." I said that I was like the woman in my story. He said, "No. You described her as being petite, curvy, girl-next-door wholesome with a touch of sexiness in her eyes..." I said, "Well, those are her physical traits, yes, I'm a little like that but I had to change them a little for the purpose of the book." He wrote back, "You're not what I expected. You need to lose some weight. Before you come out here in June, you need to look like the girl in your story. You won't fit in with my friends looking like you do." Now, before you think I'm some hulking green ogre, that is NOT the case.... and 10 years ago, I was younger, thinner and "sassier" than I am now. I should have been outraged, right? Wrong. I panicked. I APOLOGIZED to him for not being what he wanted and PROMISED him that I would be slimmer and sexier by the time June rolled around.

Things started to go downhill after that. He was always criticizing me and making fat jokes in his emails. All of the charm was gone... and oh, his picture? He kept "forgetting" to send it. So, one day, I told him I really needed to establish a "real link" and asked for a photo, a phone number, something that proved that he was real. So, he emailed me an address, phone number and a photo. At first, I couldn't see the photo because he had sent it in a format my computer didn't recognize. So, I had to get a friend to open the file for me. I was surprised at what I saw. "JK" had described himself as average height, average weight, sandy colored hair, mid-30s, average looks. The man in the photo looked like David Crosby (from Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young music fame.) He had to be in his late 40s. He had a beer belly and receding hairline. His hair was sandy colored and on the frizzy side. He had a mustache and pasty skin. Standing beside him were two boys in their mid-teens. I sent him an email asking who the people were in the photo. He wrote back that it was him and his two sons--- which he had never mentioned. Then, at a friend's encouragement, I called the phone #. I asked for "JK" and the boy who answered the phone said, "I'm JK." I said, "No... I'm looking for your father, then." The boy said, "My dad's name is "TS"." I said oh and hung up. I did a directory search for the "TS" name and sure enough, there he was-- with the same address and phone # that he had given me.

So, I sent him an email asking him who exactly he was and what was going on. He wrote me back that he was TS, a 45 yr old single father with two sons-- 15 and 16. He was not originally from the US and was hoping to become a permanent resident. The boys had been the result of a short relationship with a woman whom he didn't marry and who hadn't wanted the kids so they had been living with her family in San Diego. He wanted to move here to be with them but needed an American wife to stay in the country. He said he had used his son's name on-line so that no one could track him down. He said that he had wanted a beautiful young wife to help raise the boys and although I wasn't what he wanted "physically", he figured I would still marry him because my "chances of finding someone were probably slim."

I wrote him back that he was wrong and told him some things that a lady probably wouldn't have said, fueled by the Alanis Morrissette CD JAGGED LITTLE PILL that I had just purchased. I wallowed in man-hating angst for awhile, developed a thicker skin and jumped back into the race.

Morale of this story: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.