My Dad, Steve

I posted the following blog in another forum several years ago. I'm re-running it here. A timeless classic, I must say. :)
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My parents are not the most technically-savvy people in the world. The aging VCR on top of their tv still flashes "12:00" and it a top-loader. I wouldn't be surprised if it took Beta instead of VHS. I think they've used it once or twice since they bought it because it's "too hard to figure out." I offered to set it for them the last time I went for a visit but my mom said, "We never use it. We have HBO." Guess she's never heard of taping LOST every week so that you can watch it over and over to discuss in a forum.

A few years ago, my dad discovered the internet. First, he had one of those WEBTV gizmos but it interrupted my mom's HBO viewing so it had to go. A friend of my brother's talked him into getting a computer. You can imagine my shock when my mom called me and asked me for my e-mail address. "Your daddy bought one of those computers and it has internet," she said. I spent a good 10 minutes spelling out my e-mail address and explaining that the word "at" really wasn't part of my address, but actually a symbol. She just doesn't work with keyboards so it wasn't something she was familiar with. I ended up MAILING her (via first class mail) my e-mail address so that my dad could type it into his email account.

Soon after, I started getting these e-mails from "Steve(and a bunch of numbers)" @yahoo.com. I didn't know a Steve and I was done with my internet dating by this time so I would just delete the e-mails unread, thinking they were spam. Then, my mom called and said, "Your dad wants to know if you've gotten his e-mails." I told her no and then asked for his e-mail address so I could send him a test message. "It's "Steve(and a bunch of numbers)"@yahoo.com," she said.

My dad's name is not Steve. So, I asked her to put him on so I could ask him why his e-mail address was STEVE (and a bunch of numbers). I thought that maybe Nick, my brother's friend, had played a joke on my dad and told him he had to have that name or something.

"Have you heard of chat rooms?" my dad asked gleefully when I got him on the phone. (My dad is in his 70s and NOT the gleeful type.) I told him that I had heard of chat rooms. He said, "Go onto YAHOO and look up my profile." So, I asked him why he picked "Steve" and he said, "I didn't want those girls in the chat room to know who I really am." Hmmm.... a total computer novice yet he had already figured out how to play the chat room game.

So, after I hung up the phone, I looked up "Steve" on yahoo profiles and was shocked at what I found. There, looking back at me, was a photo of this buff twentysomething body-builder type with curly blonde hair and blue eyes. The profile listed him as 25, living in Pittsburgh and working as a postal worker. His hobbies involved fast cars, working out, and fast women. ACK! My dad was a himbo! (Male bimbo!) I immediately tried to call him on the phone but kept getting a busy signal, so I emailed "Steve" and told him to get off the computer so I could call him. He responded that he was "in the middle of a chat" and would get back to me. Sheesh.

So, that year, when I went home for the holidays, my dad took me into his playroom (he has a room where he tinkers with gadgets and such where he goes to get away from my mom) and showed me his computer. He then showed me his harem of chat-buddies. Most of the women had "sexually oriented" names like "XTC469" and "HOTMAMA4U". They ranged in age from early 20s to mid-40s, I'd say. Brunettes, redheads, blondes. All shapes, sizes and appearances. Of course, considering that my dad really didn't look like "Steve", who knows how many of them were real?

While I was there, he got "IM'd" by one of his women. I watched as he hopped onto a barstool in front of his computer and started typing away-- the two-finger method. I was shocked and appalled by the words streaming from my dad's fingers. I blushed just reading them and I read erotica for fun!

I lectured my dad on the dangers of cyber sex and internet porn and to be careful he doesn't accidentally chat up a police officer undercover. I cautioned him on giving out too much information and leading these women to his house. I also suggested that he not get too serious about any of them because they think they are writing a hot guy named Steve.... not an aging grandpa named Bob who has bird-legs and a beer gut. He said, "Aw, it's just fun... and it pisses your mom off."

Now, whenever I see an ad on the internet and the guy seems "too good to be true", I wonder if it's my dad, downloading pix of male models and creating new personas. That thought alone will keep me single well into the next decade.