This Blog's For You, Gordon

So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one, Dr. Everything'll be alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cause in this life things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life you're on your own

And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy, punch a higher floor
If you don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around you, at least you got friends

My friend Gordon wants me to write a blog about him.  My friend who doesn't read my blog wants a blog all about him.  

He has asked me to take notes about the crazy things he does to amuse me (and himself) when I don't feel like working and write about them. Some of his gems:  singing "Brass Monkey" like Michael Buble; wearing a fugly fake mustache for hours when there's no one around to even see it; mocking my blown pupil (after confirming it wasn't life-threatening, of course); inserting random song lyrics or movie quotes into normal conversation; saying "wiki wiki wiki" when he's training because I dared him (and after I've already told everyone in class to be kind to him because he has Tourette's and calls out "wiki wiki wiki" on occasion); planting songs in my head ("Spider pig, spider pig..."); encouraging me to change the name of my blog to "Debriefed and unbarriered" after suffering through an online webinar that used the word "debriefed" several times (while we were sitting side by side in different cubicles, IMing each other inappropriate comments about said webinar and various uses of the word "debriefed"); threatening (jokingly) to torch my desk if I win the lottery and don't take him with me when I quit; threatening (jokingly) to take me hostage and/or stab me to see if our company's emergency plan works;  taking on the nickname Schneider because we ask him frequently to be our "Mr. Fix It" around the office.  Good stuff. Funny stuff.

I like Gordon and since I plan on foisting all of my duties on him when I win the lottery (if I don't take him with me, of course), I'm giving in to his request.  I think he could possibly write a blog himself because it would be way funnier from his point of view.  But, he has a social life and is too busy to write.  Whatever.

So, Gordon, this blog is for you.  Now, go read some of MY gems before I really do delete them or find a Silence of the Lambs type to marry and won't have time to blog anymore. :)  Or become a dominatrix. THAT is becoming more and more appealing by the minute.

The rest of you can enjoy this one, too.

As I've mentioned before, I'm easily distracted.  I like to distract others as well.  I've been in a weird mood lately where I want to play more than I work. There just isn't enough play in my day.  Yesterday, I was given some additional duties and left work in a sh*tty mood.  My friend Janelle and I bantered back and forth for a good hour last night about the sexual potential that a toothless man may possess.  It was raunchy, immature and totally needed.  I laughed so hard that I had a headache. Every now and then, I like a good laugh.  I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about the toothless man.

That said, I vented to Gordon this morning about my extra duties.  I worked really super hard all day to keep focused.  However, a few hours before the end of the day, our boss left the room and I decided to pester Gordon.  

At some point, I made the comment that I was surprised that our company didn't have a drug testing policy.  Gordon said that it didn't matter, it made him sleepy.  I thought he meant the drug testing made him sleepy.  I asked him to repeat himself and he clarified that weed made him sleepy.  I said, "Oh! I thought you meant the drug testing.  I mean, it's just peeing in a cup.  I hope you don't fall asleep while you pee" or something along those lines, which opened up the floodgate for all sorts of humor related to falling asleep while peeing.  Images of Gordon (sorry Gordon, it did go there) peeing and just nodding off and people walking in on him leaning up against the urinal snoring filled my head.  I got quite the laugh out of that.

So, my friend came up with this name for his affliction.  Sudden Narcoleptic Urinary Disorder (because it's NOT a disease!).  SNUD.  Sometimes you feel like you have SNUD.  Sometimes you don't.

Gordon is a funny guy. This is actually a genius idea.  SNUD could be a real disorder.   Of course, it could put a real damper on the social life, especially after heavy drinking.  I mean -- those bathroom wall tiles make some major indentations on the skin if you lean against them too long.  Like pillow-case face. Or after you've worked out at the gym, gotten all pumped up and then picked up some hot chick in a bar. You go back to her place and ask to use the bathroom and she finds you face down on the floor in a puddle of urine. Not pretty. It could also be awkward if the president of the company walked in and found you like that -- or if you were peeing next to the president and fell asleep mid-sentence and lost control all over his expensive wing-tips.  It could be labelled an epic fail if someone were to come in and take a photo of himself in the bathroom with a sleeping urinating man in the background.

But, it's still a greatly funny thing.  I'm not doing it the sort of justice it deserves.  

I think I'm going to start carrying a video camera around at work and filming Gordon when he comes up with one of his gems.  (I don't know if they'll let me in the bathroom, but I'm willing to try.) I could make it into a web reality series.  Goofy Sh*t Gordon Does or something like.  I was going to call it Gordon's Golden Nuggets, but that sounded too much like a show about something else altogether.  

I could probably get more hits on something like that, though.