Run Away and Never Look Back...

Restless tonight
'Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line

It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all, if I gave it all away
For one thing, just for one thing
If I sorted it out, if I knew all about
This one thing wouldn't that be something

This morning, when I told my new group of new hires (all two of them) what the topic for the day was, they groaned and said, "Can't we just take the test and if we pass, we can skip it all and just sort of hang out all day?"  

For a few moments, I actually considered it.  Then, fear of getting in trouble beat some common sense into me and I plowed forward with the training.  It's very boring stuff, new hire training.  I've tried to pep it up.  I've tried to insert some games and personal stories.  I try out new ice breakers.   However, while I'm doing it, all I hear in my head is this constant buzzing sound similar to "snow" on old-fashioned televisions.  When they are talking, all I hear is blah blah blah blah.  I'm not interested in it.  I don't know why I expect them to be interested in it.

One of the ladies made a somewhat judgmental statement today that she felt people at work could benefit from some sort of on-site fitness center.  She said, "Have you looked at some of these people?"  This peeved me.  Later, when she and I were alone, I asked her what she meant by the statement and she said she meant that most people seemed depressed and lacking energy and that if we had an on-site gym, maybe they'd be happier and more energetic.  I did not burst her bubble.  I told her it was a good idea and moved on.  I thought she meant that everyone was overweight.  My own sensitivities I guess.

I'm very restless.  I'm in this weird mood where I feel like I need to shake things up, do something radically different.  I'm tired of hearing buzzing in my head when I'm training and boring myself to tears when I should be excited and motivated.  I don't hate my job.  I don't.  In the grand scheme of things, I could do worse. I've learned how, for the most part, to let go of the things I wish I had more control over.  It helps to have a team-mate who seems to share this... restlessness.. on occasion.  

But, at the end of the day, I want something to quench the restlessness.

On my way home from work, I pass an exit ramp to I-264.  One way goes East to the ocean and one way goes West to... you know, I'm not entirely sure where.  Tonight, I had this strong urge to just pick West and follow it as far as I could... or get off at some exit and see where it took me.  Sadly, I don't think it would be too far out of my neck of the woods.  Not radical enough.  Not far enough away.

I think part of this is stemming from the fact that tomorrow is the 4-year anniversary of my last day at Chase.  It was supposed to be the beginning of great things.  I was supposed to move here, lose weight, find some new and exciting job, fall in love, and live happily ever after with a year-round tan.

I gained weight.  I got a job similar to the one I left.  I haven't had a real date since I moved here.  And I haven't been to the beach once this summer.

I know I don't want to dwell on the past.  It's over.  I made my decision.  I don't believe in regrets or mulling over coulda, shoulda, woulda.

I think I'm going to conquer my dislike of driving and pick some random road and direction on the map and take off.  Just drive and drive until I find something interesting to see and do.  

I might come back.