Reality vs. Fantasy

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see

I've been accused on more than one occasion of living in a dream world when it comes to matters of the heart.  I tend to romanticize people, places and situations.  I tend to create little dramas in my head of how things are going to be and how things should be.  I call it creativity.  Others call it a disaster waiting to happen.

A year ago, I started working in my current department and one of my new tasks was to coordinate "enrichment" type classes with outside vendors.  These vendors come in during lunch and talk about some non-work topic and people can bring their lunches and learn about the topic.  I suggested this a few years ago because it was something my previous company did.  They liked the idea and went with it.

I like to joke about my lack of a love life.  It doesn't really bother me that I don't have one, but every now and then, I like to toss out there to people who may know people that as much as I love my cat, I don't really want to die old and alone in a home some place with a gazillion cats. 

That said, when I joined my current department and was given the task of coordinating these "lunch and learns", my boss told me that I was just going to love Mr. Cutie.  I would ask her why and she would just smile and tell me to wait and see.

Around this time last year, I had to do my first lunch and learn with him.  I was surprised that we had such a high turnout for his class.  Over 20 people per session.  All women.

I think I may have stuttered when I introduced myself.  Now, he's not gorgeous or super sexy.  What he is, though, is charming.  He is very charismatic.  He has this self-confident, semi-flirty, smiley thing that he does that makes you think that you are the only person in the room when he talks to you.  He dresses nice.  He smells nice.  He takes care of himself.  So, I could definitely see what my boss was talking about.  She and I giggled about having him come back more often and I told her I'd definitely stay late, if needed, to help host an after-hours session.

Now, I know the boundaries... and I also know that someone like him has to have any pick of women.  In fact, when I first met him, he was sporting a big old gold band on his wedding ring finger and one of the women in the class made small talk with him about his wife and son.  I do not go after married men.

The next time he came, however, he was no longer wearing the wedding band.  One of the women asked him about his wife and son and he said, "Yeah, getting divorced."  He was still very charming and funny.  I was smitten.

Smitten kitten that I was, I looked forward to his visits.  I would practice in my head witty things to say to him when he came. (I'm determined that some day I will find someone who finds my sense of humor sexy and who will create fantasies in his head about me.) 

One day, he made a comment that I was all that he needed (in the context of my job) and then he raised an eyebrow.  I turned beet red.

Another time he came and he was having a rough day and I jokingly said he needed to have a drink after work.  He said, "You buying? Let's go."  Again, I got all flustered.

Well, a few months went by and I had no contact with him.  Then, a few weeks ago, he came for a class and... nothing.  No zing.  No pow.  Nothing.  I could look him in the eyes and talk to him like an adult.  I didn't get red-faced.  I didn't stammer.  He was just a guy.  I felt no desire to imagine any great romance with him.  I didn't even try to be witty or funny.  I was all business.

His jokes didn't make me giggle.  In fact, I noticed that he says the same things every time he comes.  He makes the same references to golfing and his anal-label reading habit. He always mentions his favorite foods.  He always finds a way to mention his son.  I realized he does it on purpose. His sole goal for these classes is to generate clients for his business.  Of course, he's going to be charming, witty, pretty and flirty.  Player, player, pants on fire.

The fantasy is fine for awhile. I think I need a dose of reality.

Once I realized this a few weeks ago, I decided to reach out to a man that I met last year at one of the "meetups" that I used to go to.  Sent him an email (yes, you read right - email) asking if he'd like to go out sometime. 

Gotta go out on the limb and all that.  Well, the limb broke.  The good news is that I didn't break anything.

His initial response to my offer was "maybe".

Today, his response changed to "no". 

Things happen for a reason, right?  The funny thing is - I really wasn't all that interested in the man, but decided that maybe it was time to leave fantasyland and take a chance at realityland.

I think I like fantasyland better.