I Want It That Way

I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby

I posted the following blog last night and then deleted it out of a moment of blogger's remorse because it was too raw.

Now, I'm thinking, screw it.  It's who I am and what I'm feeling.  If I'm going to be a true navel-gazer, I have to put it all out there, right?

I saw the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love on Sunday.  I really enjoyed the movie.  It was funny, smart and endearing.  I laughed a lot, but I also cried.  I didn't see anyone else crying so I think maybe my own emotions were creating the tears.  

I think I will have to take a breather from romantic comedies for awhile.

This blog is not going to be like any of my other blogs... and if you thought some of my other "honest" posts were too real, then you may want to stop reading. 

You see, I'm a fraud.

I walk around every day making cynical, comical comments on relationships and love.  I tell myself and everyone around me that I don't need no stinkin' love in my life.

The reality is - I do need it.  I do want it.  I mock it because it's my way of talking myself out of wanting it and needing it.  To admit that I want and need something is my weakness.  I do not like to show weakness.  Ever. Weakness is failure.

You know how when you are a kid and you want something and are told you can't have it, you tell everyone you didn't want it to begin with.  You go for a job interview and don't get the job, so you tell everyone that you didn't want the job. We talk ourselves into not wanting things.  It's easier to make believe you never wanted something than to admit that you did and have to suffer the pain, embarrassment or whatever other uncomfortable feeling that comes with the admission.

The movie was about soul mates.  Finding them, keeping them, losing them.

I don't have a soul mate.  I don't think I ever have had one.  Yes, if you've been reading these blogs, you know that there have been 4 separate occasions in my life where I thought I was in love.  However, not once did I ever lie in bed at night and think, "This person is my soul mate."  The person who completes me.  The person I was meant to meet and be with.  I was always thinking, "This person could be my soul mate if...."

I want a soul mate.

That's why I need to take a break from anything remotely romantic in nature.   I left the movie feeling good.  Then, my mind started working.  I know the characters in the movie are carefully and thoughtfully written so that we feel for them, empathize with them, and become them in spirit and emotion for 120 minutes.   However, I couldn't stop thinking, "When will my turn come?"  Do I have to hire a team of Hollywood writers to create a perfect romantic comedy for me?

Now, I truly believe in the quote from the movie SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL where the female lead says that she'd rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.  I don't want just anyone.  I want "someone".  My "someone".  The person I'm destined to be with.  The person who is meant to complete me. (and vice versa)

When I think of the perfect couple, I think of my friends Janelle and Todd.

Janelle and Todd have been married for 19 years.  They were friends before they got married and remained friends after they got married.  They are wonderful together and you can tell that they love each other.  Would do anything for each other.  They have shared interests and they have separate interests.  They do not live out of each others' back pockets.  Todd will go away windsurfing for a week and Janelle will stay home.  Janelle will go to Ohio to visit family and friends and Todd will stay here.  Sometimes I do things with them as a couple.  Sometimes I do things with only Janelle.  Todd will come down and help me do things around my apartment -- like putting things together or hanging curtains.  I feel comfortable joking and talking with him.  I never feel like a third wheel when I hang out with them.  They work well together.  They are both smart, funny, caring people with good hearts and good families.  They know what is important in life. 

They are my role models.

I want a connection with someone who wants to be with me and do things with me.  I tend to be a loner and like my space so I'm not looking for someone to move in and take up shelves in my closet and put a toothbrush in the holder in the bathroom.  Or become permanent ink every night on my wall calendar. (I still don't own a day planner - see blog about dating advice for more on that.)  I'm still trying to figure out who I am as a person so until I know that, I don't want to invite anyone into my life on a "till death do us part" kind of basis.

I do, however, want the private jokes, shared looks, the reassuring/loving touches, the pet names, the comfortable feeling that it's "right".  I want New Year's Eve dates and Valentines.  Birthdays.  I want the wooing and the romance.  Texts, sexts, emails, and/or old-fashioned love letters (that one is for you, Cathy, if you are reading this.)   I want the "AND" between two names.  I don't want to read about it or watch it on the big screen.  I want to experience it.  For a month.  For a week.  Forever.  For however long it's meant to be.

It's really hard for me to admit this.  But, admission is the first step to recovery, right?  I don't want to get hurt but the alternative (never getting to experience it. ever.) is far worse. 

Maybe not right now.  But soon.  Before I become too jaded and before my heart dies.  (to quote the loner chick in THE BREAKFAST CLUB.)