The Cubicle Next Door

I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show. 

One of my favorite authors is Siri Mitchell.  I like her writing style.  It reminds me a lot like my own writing style.  A few years ago, I read one of her books called THE CUBICLE NEXT DOOR.  I was hooked.

Last night, after having some alcohol and chocolate with dinner, I was in a mellow mood.  I don't drink much and a little alcohol goes a long way with me. After a couple of drinks, I become super laid back, very drowsy and super affectionate.  Since I live alone, the affectionate part is not very useful.  I turned to an old stand by instead.  Romance novels.  I decided I wanted to re-read THE CUBICLE NEXT DOOR. (Yes, I'm weird in that I will re-read books I've already read.)  Mainly because it's about blogging and also because I recommended it to someone recently and wanted to make sure it really was as good as I remembered it to be.

THE CUBICLE NEXT DOOR is about a no-nonsense girl-next-door type who is forced to share her workspace with a somewhat cocky and attractive man.  He annoys her and rubs her the wrong way so she blogs about him.  Annoyance turns to affection and her change of heart plays out publicly in her blog, which has a growing audience of supporters, including (unknown to her) the object of her rants.  She says things in her blog that she can't say to him in real life, good and bad. You can read my complete review of the book here.

I can totally relate to the woman in the book.  For me, the annoying co-worker was "S".

In the fall of 2000, I moved to a new department at my former company and was paired with S.  He and I were going to be working on a special portfolio of loans together and needed to be partners.  S was (and I'm sure he probably still is) very attractive.  Young.  He was 7 years younger than me, fresh out of college, and the total opposite of me in personality.  He had this cocky yet charming attitude.  Girls swarmed around him wanting to do things for him.  He rolled into work late every morning, usually hung over, took very long lunches and hardly ever did anything more than the basics needed to get his work done.  Being that we were partners, that left a lot of stuff for me to fix, do, etc.  He drove me nuts.  We fought like cats and dogs.  He was always telling me loosen up.  I was always telling him to grow up.  Bicker, bicker, bicker.  And not in a good way.  Not in a fun way.  

Then, about 6 months into the partnership, my attitude towards him started to change.  You know the saying that there's a thin line between love and hate?  I didn't really understand it until I met S.  I didn't love him but I realized that the same energy it took to despise him was the same kind of energy to like him. I had been interested in someone else when he and I started to work together so I never really "saw" him as the attractive, charming guy he was.  He did not like the guy I liked at all.  He would tell me that I could do better and that I shouldn't let a guy talk to me the way the guy talked to me.  (He was cruel and abusive, but that's another story for another day.. and after a lot more alcohol.)  I got mad that he was giving me advice when he couldn't even remember the names of the girls he slept with most of the time.

I digress.  One cold winter day, he told me I was going to lunch with him.  No arguments.  I was going.  He made me go to the mall with him and give feedback on clothing he was trying on.  He had no intention of buying anything.  He just wanted me to get the heck out of the office.  So, I went.  Then, for being such a team player, he bought me hot chocolate at a coffee shop in the mall.  He was actually quite funny and nice.  We chatted for awhile and I started to warm up to the thought that maybe I had misjudged him a little.  That was the first turning point in my mindset about him.  While we were in the coffee shop, the clerk tried to sell us some cheesecake.  I'm not a big fan of cheesecake but they had a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake there that was very delicious.  I declined the cheesecake, citing a diet.  The second turning point in my attitude happened when he made a harumph sound and said, "You know, some guys actually like their women a little on the thick side."  I still resisted the cheesecake, but after that, I started to hate him less and like him more.

A couple of months later, I got re-assigned to another project and he moved on to another role in the department and we were not reliant upon each other anymore.  One day, out of the blue, he showed up at my desk with this plastic take-out container.  It had a slice of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake in it.  He just smiled and said, "You can hate me later" and walked away.

A few months later, he left the company altogether and I never heard from him again.  It never would have worked out because he had a lot of growing up to do (and so did I, as it turns out.)  But, he did help me in ways he'll probably never know -- I have learned to be more tolerant and less rigid.  I also learned that first impressions may not always be the best impressions.  I also learned that a little cheesecake now and then doesn't hurt.  My only regret is that I never got the names and numbers of those guys he knew who liked "thick" women. :)

Someone at work used to tell him all the time that he resembled the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty so whenever I hear the song "Push" by them, I think of him.  It was popular when I knew him and it sort of was fitting for our relationship, too.  

I wanna push you around, well I will, I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
Well I will