The Best Advice?

Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea,
You lay your bets and then you pay the price
The things we do for love, the things we do for love.

I was talking at a co-worker today about relationships.

Long after the conversation was over, I thought back to some advice that a female friend gave me a long time ago that she swore would help encourage romantic interest.  Back then, it seemed like such good advice and I'm sad to say I did every single one of the things on her list at one time or another in order to try to spark some interest by the opposite sex.

Now, the advice seems a little out there.  I'll share and let you decide.  The snarky comments are all mine(s).

1.  Whenever you answer the phone, always let it ring a few times and then when you answer, say another man's name.  

"Hello?  Bill?"

This is especially effective when you know that the person calling you is not named Bill and will possibly become jealous at the thought of you eagerly awaiting a call from someone named Bill.

2.  After you've cleared up the confusion over "Bill", tell your male caller that you just stepped out of the shower and need to grab a towel.  This, she said, planted the image of you standing naked, dripping wet, with the phone in your hand.

"Who's Bill?  Oh, he's just a friend.  I just got out of the shower so let me grab a towel."

3. After you've reeled him in and he's interested, invite him over to your place.  Thumb through an imaginary date book, mumbling yes and no and possibly inserting other male names and the occasional husky laugh to indicate that reviewing your available options is making you reminisce about enjoyable outings with other men.

"So, would you like to come over next week?  Um... hmmm.... Monday -- ah, Jack...  Ha ha ha.  Wednesday.  No.  Thursday - ah, Michael...  Oh, it looks like I'm free next Friday, after 8:00."

4.  Before he arrives, buy a copy of the Kama Sutra at a used-book store and thumb through it and crack the spine so that it looks well-read and well-used.  Bend down some pages and insert comments in the margin, in smudged ink, to make the pages look like you had been very very very familiar with the book.

5.  Place the book in an open space in your home where he will "stumble" upon it, but where it's not going to look obvious.

6.  Hang a sexy nightie (even if you don't normally wear one) on the back of the bathroom door.

7.  Once he arrives, find an excuse to send him to the bathroom.  

"Oh, the faucet in the kitchen isn't working well.  You're going to have to wash up in the bathroom."

Allegedly, when he goes into the bathroom,  1) he'll be reminded of your recent shower and nude telephone call and 2) he'll see the sexy nightgown and imagine all sorts of naughty things about your personality.  This supposedly works out well if you are someone who dresses very conservatively during the day.  The whole "dirty librarian" fantasy that most men are supposed to have.  (Note to self: dress like librarian for Halloween.)

8. Then, later, when he discovers the Kama Sutra, grab it from his hands, accidentally touching, of course, and giggle like you are sooooooooooooo ashamed to have him see it.  Then, accidentally drop it so that one of the dog-eared, pre-marked pages (just don't pick something your doctor or chiropractor would not suggest you attempt) falls open.  Giggle some more and reach for the book but leave it open long enough for him to get the idea.

"I can't believe you saw this!  Oh my!  You must think I'm a dirty dirty girl."

So....  what happened when I tried these tactics?

1.  I can't remember whose name I used but the guy on the other end didn't seem to care.  Turned out he thought I had a brother by that name.

2. When I mentioned the shower thing, the guy made some comment like "I thought you showered in the morning.  Did you just get home from the gym?"  Yeah, the sweaty smelly gym is not a sexy image to plant.

3. I didn't own a date book or planner.  I used a wall calendar.  It's not as effective.  "Oh, look, there's a full moon coming up on the 16th... and did you know that Thursday is the first day of winter?"  (I get easily distracted, remember?)

4. I already own a copy of the Kama Sutra.  It is dog-eared.  Most of the positions are not recommended by my doctor.

5.  I placed the book on my coffee table.  When he arrived, he knocked over some magazines that were also on my coffee table, obscuring the Kama Sutra.  I couldn't find a way to uncover the book without being obvious and he had no desire to thumb through a stack of GLAMOUR and COSMO to get to it.

6.  It was off-white satin with a lace insert.  I wore it once.  It itched.  I don't remember what happened to it.  I think I may have donated it when I moved.

7.  I didn't need an excuse.  He had to pee shortly after arrival and asked to use the bathroom on his own.  If he thought anything about the nightgown, he didn't say it.  He DID leave the toilet seat up, though, and dribbled on my floor.

8. See # 5.

This was my modus operandi for the mid-90s. 

Then, I moved on to other tactics.

I'm thinking chloroform, plastic ties and a cabin in the woods might be a better plan for the future.