A Hairy Situation

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

This past weekend, I became the victim of a talkative, distracted hairdresser who cut my hair way shorter than I wanted.  Now, I get to suffer for the next 4-6 weeks while it grows back out.  The lady was appropriately apologetic and offered me a free haircut (it was only $13) or free product (it was $29).  I chose the free product, ironically called Big Sexy Hair.

All of my life, I've wanted someone else's hair.  Cursed with thin, baby fine hair, I could never wear barrettes. My first grade school photo shows a barrette slowly migrating south on my head as the photographer snapped away.  I also have "naturally wavy" hair, which my mother thought would be adorable permed in the 4th grade.  My brother teased me mercilessly and called me Q-tip head because my naturally wavy hair frizzed and poufed all around my head.  If Richard Simmons had been popular back then, I'm sure I would have been considered his love child.

I envied those girls with the long flaxen locks.  I remember being jealous of my school friends who would sit together and comb each others' hair.  I went through a phase where I did not cut my hair at all, except for my bangs.  It would just hang there limply. 

I've had mulletts.  I've had bowl cuts.  I had the "Dorothy Hamil" about four years after it wasn't popular any more.  I dyed it maroon once.  I had the asymmetrical cut in college, where one side was longer than the other.  I've experimented with sun-in and chemical streaking kits.  I've tinkered with hot rollers, curling irons, and krimping irons. Headbands were my friend in the early 90s.  I've done everything short of shaving myself bald and starting over.

And yet, I have not been able to reach a happy medium with my hair.  

I notice that Avon sells hair extensions now.  If I quit my current job and go some place where no one knows me, I think I might invest in some hair extensions and see if I can have "bouncing and behaving" hair like on commercials.  Hair I can toss seductively over my shoulder and coyly send come hither vibes to members of the opposite sex.   Hair that I can take to a salon and say, "I'd like the cut on page 42" and not have the stylist tsk at me and say, "Oh, honey, that just will not work."

Until then, I will keep trying to tuck hair that doesn't exist behind my ears (yes, she cut it that short) and pray that it grows quickly.  At least I'm still getting "ma'am"ed at the store and not "Sir"ed.

I have some miracle gro in the cabinet from an aborted gardening adventure.  I wonder if it works on scalps?