Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway
My life is in a bit of a rut.
I need to do something to shake it up, I think.
I stopped at a bookstore after work Friday night to check out their going out of business sale and the entire time I was browsing, I kept thinking about how I was going to "throw off" my Friday night schedule.
It's the freaking weekend. I shouldn't have a schedule. Yet, I do.
I feel like a little hamster in a wheel.
Monday - Thursday - my life is pretty much a carbon copy each day. I get up between 6:15 - 6:30. I turn on the morning news (always Channel 3) in my bedroom. I get out my outfit for the day. I brush my teeth, take my meds, put in my contacts and take a shower. Then, I feed Abby, assemble my lunch for the day, toss out some birdseed onto the balcony for the birds and squirrels. Then, I get dressed and drive to work. I usually get there between 7:15 - 7:30. I drive the same route and listen to the same radio station (94.9). I park in the same parking space. I say good morning to the security guard. I unlock the training rooms. I boot up my computer. I get some water and go to the bathroom. I eat my breakfast -- usually 1/2 of a banana. I chew a piece of gum. I make small talk with my co-workers if they seem in a talkative mood. Then, I plunge into my day. Workety work work. I usually don't take a morning break. I usually eat lunch around 11:30 -- usually broccoli, rice and chicken, a piece of fruit and water. I sometimes check my phone as if I'm suddenly going to have texts from someone or update my Facebook status. I usually only take 15-20 minutes for lunch. I do more work, maybe pausing to make some more small talk with co-workers if my concentration is off or if I've reached my saturation point with whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing or if I just need some human interaction. Then, at the end of the day, I leave around the same time. I drive the same route home. I listen to the same radio station (107.7). I park in the same space. I check my mail. Abby usually greets me at the door. I put down my purse and car keys on the counter. I check my home phone as if I'm going to actually have phone messages. I feed Abby. I change my clothing. I take out my contacts and put on my glasses. I log into my computer. I check for PT work. I update Facebook. I check my email. I sit here for a couple of hours clicking away on the PT job website hoping for work while mindlessly doing other things. I listen to Pandora. Usually the Bruno Mars or Jason Mraz station. I play what a friend calls "YouTube Roulette" and watch old videos or whatever else I can find. I make snarky comments on Facebook and try to elicit some sort of responses from various friends to keep me entertained. Sometimes, I log into AIM and chat with co-workers on the PT job. I then update my blog. Make some dinner. Check for more work. Watch some TV. Check Facebook again. Tinker with the idea of hurtling myself off of the roof. Check my "personal ad" for messages. Get frustrated that I've resorted to having a personal ad again. Give up on the part time job. Log off. Brush my teeth. Wash my face. Put on my nightgown. Crawl into bed. Watch some tv. Check my cell for messages. Turn it off. Go to sleep.
I just made myself consider slicing my wrists just typing all of that.
Occasionally, I may go a little crazy and do some mid-week errands after work.
Sometimes, I even give myself a night off from the computer altogether.
On Fridays, I "change it up" a little by driving to the UPS Store on Birdneck Road to see if I have any mail there, even though I gave up the box two years ago. The ladies don't charge me to hold my mail and they let me get packages there. Then, I sometimes stop at the Fresh Market and get some groceries for the weekend. Then, I come home, change clothing (straight to my nightgown), check messages, log in for the PT job, and then do laundry. Around 9:00, I give up on the PT job and rousing people on AIM or Facebook and then call my friend Mandy on the phone. Sometimes she's home. Sometimes she's not. If she's home, we talk for about an hour, with her encouraging me to go out more, start dating again, come back to Ohio, etc etc etc. We tell each other we love each other and then I wash my face, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed. I watch TV for a little bit, check my cell phone and then eventually fall asleep.
On Saturdays, I get up early -- usually the same time as I do for work or earlier, like today. Today, I was up at 5:30. -- and go straight to the computer to see if I can be an early worm and get some PT work. I'll click away for a couple of hours, then I make breakfast, take my meds, watch some TV (usually the Food Network), get dressed and go to the rec center. I usually get there around 11:30, shower, put on my bathing suit and do about an hour of exercise in the pool. Then, for the next few hours, I run "errands" -- whatever miscellaneous chores and shopping I may need to do out and about the town.
Sometimes, I just drive around -- meandering up and down random streets in town, exploring. Windows down, radio up, wind in my hair. Singing along. Getting a farmer's tan on my left arm. Wishing I didn't have to go back home. Wishing I could just keep driving until I found whatever the heck it is I'm looking for -- or run out of gas.
Then, I go back home, toss my wet bathing suit and towel in the washing machine, check messages, check PT work, watch some TV, do some cleaning and/or organizing. Try to rouse some friends via email, text or FB to see if they want to do something. Read. Watch a movie. Do my "bills and budget" for the week/month. Clean out my purse. Clean the litterbox. Anything and everything to keep as busy as possible. Sometimes, I take a nap when I get back from the pool... just because I can.
On Sunday, I get up early, check for PT work, read the Sunday paper, run some more errands or find something to do outside of the house else I'll just sit in my nightgown all day watching all of the shows and movies I've DVR'd all week. Around dinner time, I'll do the dishes, then put away the laundry, play around on the computer some more. Wish I could win the lottery so that I don't have to work. Watch some TV. Check for PT work. Take a shower. Go to bed.
I need a new life. Or a bottle of sleeping pills. Something. Anything.
I may have to start doing things differently else I'm going to self-destruct soon.
I ordered some new sneakers this morning. I hope to increase the frequency of going to the rec center. I also placed ads on craigslist to offer tutoring and college paper writing assistance for the upcoming school year. Maybe that will lead to some new friends and cash flow.
I say all the time that change is good... and change, for the most part, doesn't scare me. I get bored easily and embrace anything that might spice up my life just a little.
However, I also enjoy the comfort of having a routine. I get a little tiffed when things change my routine without my consent or input.
One of my favorite movies is LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN. It's about a woman whose mother died while she was young and before she died, she gave the woman (as a little girl) this "blueprint" for life -- it listed goals she should strive to achieve. The mother decided that 6 boyfriends would be appropriate before she settled down... with "lucky number seven." The woman followed this plan her whole life, pursuing a career she didn't enjoy and dating the types of men her mother suggested. Then, she meets two men at the same time -- one who shares her forced ambitions and one who has a more laid-back, fun approach to life. She decides that the fun guy will be boyfriend # 6 and the serious guy will be # 7. As with most romantic comedies, she finds herself enjoying the fun guy a lot more than the serious guy. However, the fun guy doesn't fit into her life plan. She goes through a lot of agony and well, I won't spoil the ending, but I always relate to the woman and often wish I had the courage to take more risks in life.
Time for me to learn how to climb a tree, I think.
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