More Than Words

Some people never say the words
I love you
It's not their style
to be so bold
Some people never say those words
I love you
But like a child they're longing
to be told

Something So Right...

I have a close friend whom I talk to on the phone at least once a week.  We've been doing this for over 13 years.  We can talk about everything and nothing.  At the end of the call, we always tell each other "I love you."  And we mean it.  I love her and would do anything for her.  I would like to think she'd say the same about me.

I was lying in bed tonight, trying to fall asleep, and it occurred to me that I've never in my entire life ever said those words to someone in a romantic sense.  I've felt them... or at least I thought I felt them...  four times in my adult life with members of the opposite sex.  Yet, I've never said them.  I waited for them to be said to me first.  That never happened so my side never got said. No.. I take it back.  One of them did say it -- a year too late, and by then it didn't mean anything to me and I definitely didn't want to say it back.

I tell my friends I love them.  I tell my cat I love her.  Heck, I've told people I don't really love I love them because they tickle my funny bone or do things that amuse me. I tell my car I love it.  I love certain tv shows.  I love Rick Springfield.  I love ... love ... love...  Seems almost like a meaningless word when you realize how many times in a day we/I say "love" without it really meaning anything powerful like love should.  I can say it to friends who aren't going to shut me down and to inanimate objects that could care less.  To men - fahgetaboutit.  Can't do it.  "I ... I... I likeyoualot...."

What makes it so hard to say those words to someone you have deep feelings for?  And I need to clarify here -  I'm not currently in love.  I'm not being contemplative because I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell someone how I feel.  I'm just in one of those moods.  Too much thinking.  Watched a romantic movie on TV before I crawled into bed.

I am a total mush when it comes to romance.  I cry during Hallmark commercials and movies.  I read romance novels.  My DVD library consists mostly of chick flicks and romantic comedies.  I wear out CDs filled with love songs.  I watch TITANIC every time it is on TV even though I know it has a sad and tragic end.  I can say the ending to WHEN HARRY MET SALLY right along with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan.  ("I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.")  I daydream about meeting the man of my dreams and living happily ever after.  (Only after he says it first ....)

Lately, I've been wondering if I had had the courage to say the words when I felt them in the past, would it have made a difference?  I know I tried to show those men how I felt but I never came out and told them.  They either didn't realize it or if they did realize it, they were too kind to outright shut me down.

I remember a male friend told me once that he had never said the words either and never planned to.  He said they had too much power.  He said it was like finding out a superhero's weakness.  As soon as you say the words, you open yourself up for hurt, pain, vulnerability, expectations...  He said why would any sane person want to do that.  I told him he was just a scaredy cat afraid to take a chance on great things and possibilities.  He said he'd take companionship and no drama over possibility.  I think I believed him and adopted his way of thinking as mine.  Ironically, he got married a few years after he told me this so I'm not sure if he was all talk -- or if the person he married is the one saying "I love you" and he's saying "ditto" (like Patrick Swayze in GHOST.)

I just hope I haven't missed out on my chance.  Wouldn't it suck to realize you only get so many opportunities in life to say how you feel and once they are gone, they're gone?

Maybe I'd better start practicing.   I  lo... lov...   (damn....)