You Will Love Me

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
And I'm begging you to beg me

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
And I'd love you to love me

Have you ever met someone whom just doesn't seem to like you and you don't know why?  You've never said anything wrong, done anything wrong or purposely offended them in any way.  Yet, they just don't seem to care for you?

I've met someone like that.  And it's driving me crazy.

I am not someone who jumps headfirst into friendships or any other kind of relationship.  I don't trust easily.  It usually takes me some time to listen to my various body parts (heart, head, gut...) and decide if I want to be friends (or otherwise) with someone.  Slow and steady wins the race.  I've made rash decisions about people in the past and suffered the consequences of awkwardness and "Um, so, how about the weather?" type conversations after it has ended.

Some of my co-workers at my previous job used to tease me about my "two month" threshold. When I lived in Ohio, when I met someone new, I would spend the first couple of months trying learn everything I could about the person.  It's in my nature.  I'm nosy and inquisitive.  I wanted to be a journalist, for crying out loud.  It's what I do.  I would make this list of questions and think of things in my head that I wanted to talk about.  (Richard, if you are reading this, remember those "Questions Du Jour" that I used to grill you with?)  Male, female, friend, romance.  I used the same approach.  I wanted to know everything from the kind of toothpaste they used to what they wore to bed.  I was persistent.  It was always like a new crush.  Everything is shiny and new and exciting.  I got giddy exploring everything.  I thrived on those nuances of getting to know someone.  I'd get up excited to find out what new thing awaited me in my inbox, or at my cubicle, or in the break room.  It's so nice when you have a reason to get out of bed, even if it something as simple as making a new friend.

Then, right around the two month mark, I'd start to lose interest.  My questions became fewer.  My gusto to know everything waned.  I'd start to see them as just an ordinary person and start to get bored with them. Suddenly, the things I found endearing started to be annoying.  The quirks -- not so quirky.  I would start to find excuses to not do things, talk on the phone.  I'd eventually just sort of fade out.  My friends would suggest that I just take a breather... give the person a chance.  I even saw a therapist once who told me I needed to stop seeking drama and to learn to live with "average" because I'd be happier if I realized that at some point in my life, I'll have to deal with the fact that no one can live in a constant state of drama and excitement. She accused me of creating drama to try to keep things exciting.  Me? Create drama?  Surely you lie.

Some people made it past the two month mark, obviously.  I have some wonderful friends who have been in my life for decades.  I've also had some whom I've invited into my friend circle before the two month mark.  So, there are exceptions to my crazy friendship methodology.

I digress.

People usually like me.  I'm funny, smart.  I'm nice.  I'm helpful.  I am generous and kind.  I don't tell secrets.  I'm fiercely loyal.  I like to take care of people.  I will go to the ends of the earth for my friends.  I like to be wanted.  I like to be needed.  I enjoy buying things for my friends.  I like being a friend.  I have answered the phone at 3 in the morning.  I've accepted collect calls.  Whatever you need.  I'm your girl.  Maybe I do too much?  Maybe I'm too available? 

Because I am so picky, once I make a friend (and trust me, I don't use the word "friend" loosely.  If I call you "friend", it means you made it and will probably be on my friend list until you hurt me or f*ck me over.), I try to do whatever I can to keep that friend.

I've had people be hurt in the past because they wanted to be friends with me and I just didn't want it.  I know I shouldn't discount people and that I never know what a person brings to the table.  I'm working harder on that one.

So, it really really bugs me that I've met someone that I want to be friends with... or might want to be friends with... and they want none of it.  My jokes don't seem to amuse them.  So, then I try a more serious route.  That doesn't seem to impress them either.  I've tried to be helpful.  Nope.  I've tried food.  Nope.  I've tried to prove that I'm useful. No response.  I've let them see me with other people so that they know that I am likable.  They seem unfazed.  I don't get it.  Why not?

They aren't rude to me.  They are polite.  However, they are not interested.  The walls are up. 

If real life were like Facebook, I'd be poking the hell out of them just to try to get some sort of response.  

F*ck Off is better than no reaction at all.