True Colors

don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow 

On Friday, at work, one of my co-workers asked me if I had any games or ice breakers that she could use with the new hires to wrap up the day after they finished a test. I quickly got online and did a search for "fun personality tests".  One came up about favorite colors.  It seemed safe enough.   Then, she asked me if I wanted to participate.

I was done with all of my planning and prepping for next week so I decided what the heck.  I could use a break.  I hadn't had any fun distractions lately.  I was starting to wish for a hurricane so that I could entice a co-worker to talk about his lawn chair, beef jerky and nuts again.

Now, keep in mind, it was a silly little personality test.  Yanked from some website.  Probably not even based on anything scientific.  But, it was meant to be fun -- not a psychological assessment.

My female co-worker said that her color nailed her.  It kind of surprised me because I've worked with her for a year and I learned things about her that I didn't know.  It was very eye-opening to see how she perceived herself in comparison with the color she picked.  I would have picked a totally different color for her.

My favorite color is pink.  The description made me sound like a fluffy, glass half full type who wants to join hands with everyone and sing songs of peace.  Said I was nice.  I keep getting told I'm too nice, like it's a bad thing.  I take pride in being nice.  I'm no pushover.  I have a spine.  If you push my buttons, I'll fight, fight, fight.  I ain't no hollaback girl. But, there's nothing wrong with being nice.  I'm a nice person.  Deal with it. My second favorite color is red.  That said I was passionate, energetic, sexy and that I crave attention.  Three out of four ain't bad. :)

My male co-worker said that his color was pretty dead on, too, which surprised me because it made him out to be moody and fussy.  I don't know many men who will admit to being moody and fussy.  I wasn't surprised, however.  In fact, before we even picked colors, I read through the descriptions and I had already picked the color he picked for himself because I've sensed different moods in him in the past. I've noticed the mornings when he came in and sort of hunkered over in his desk, occasionally sighing or muttering under his breath, clutching the caffeine like it was a drug. (Oh, wait, I think it is.)  I also noticed when he came in smiling and friendly and open to chit chat and occasional humorous banter.  I reacted to each mood accordingly.

He mentioned that he has this ability to read people and get a sense of their moods and feelings and tends to steer clear of negative feelings and moods and that he just goes off on his own instead of being brought down by those people.  Yes, I know I'm sharing a fair bit of information about him, but I feel about 99% confident that he doesn't read my blog and if he does, he always tells me that he doesn't censor himself... and when I've voiced concern in the past about the kinds of stuff I write about, he's given me the "aw, screw it, write what you want" advice.  I hope he still believes in that.

After he was so open about himself, I almost wanted to re-evaluate my own color.  I tend to do the latter myself.  I work with a lot of different kinds of people who all have different moods, motivators and agendas.  Some are clock-punchers.  Some are drama-queens.  Some are negative nellies.  Some are confusing cleos.  I start the day in a great mood, but at some point, someone will try to ruin it for me.  Sometimes, they win.

When I get to work, I always have to feel people out to see what kind of mood they are in and then try to adjust accordingly.  I can usually tell by the way a person says good morning or the way they hold their bodies if they are in a good mood or not.  I always hope for the best.  Hope for a nice pleasant good morning and open body language.  This is not always the case.  I always try to greet everyone with a cheery good morning or some sort of positive comment.  Nice shirt. Love that dress. Those shoes are cute. 

Instead of taking my co-worker's approach and just avoiding the negative people, most of the time, I tend to feel the need to put on my floppy shoes and big red nose (must be the pink in me who wants everyone to be happy) and try to make them feel better.  Some days, it's a challenge, to be honest.  Some people just seem to want to wallow in unhappiness.  Then, after I don't succeed, I feel myself slipping to their level.  I get sad and depressed.  I can't wait to come home where I can shake it off, enjoy some unconditional kitty cat love, watch some tv, play on the computer and engage in banter with people on my PT job.

I've had days myself recently when it was all I could do to get out of bed because of issues I've been having and I know I wanted people to rally around me and try to make me feel better.  Sadly, I noticed that more people tended to want to encourage the stinking thinking and "woe is me" attitude than to tell me to buck up and get over it. (Politely, of course.  I'd probably slug someone if they told me to get over it while I was thinking of jumping off of a bridge.)  What I really wanted was someone to notice and ask what was going on, but no one did.  No, I take it back.  One person did and then didn't wait on my response.  They launched into a tirade about their own bad day.

Now, back to the male co-worker.

We haven't had much time to talk lately but when we have encountered each other, I've felt a little like our vibe is off.  So, my "true color" has been working in over-drive, trying to be funny, get him to "play", trying to engage him in conversation, seeking him out to try to share light-hearted stuff... and just being there in case he wanted someone to talk to.  Being available and open and trying to give off positive energy. Trying to find humorous things to post on FB in case he saw them and wanted to let off steam after work. And hoping he hasn't blocked/hidden my FB Wall postings because I enjoy his sarcastic irreverent humor. As strange as it sounds and despite the fact we've only known each other a few months, he "gets" the things I'm alluding to in posts and jokes.  That's rare.  My closest friends are the ones who have been able to "get" the craziness I spew... and it took them awhile to figure it out. :)

Maybe I'm the one in a weird mood and that what I'm feeling is his mood's adjustment to my mood.  I feel awkward and I fear being too friendly.  Too funny.  Too annoying. Trying too hard to be a friend.  I worry about people.  If I can't draw them out, then I think that there must be something wrong with me. 

So, now, I'm leaning more towards his color than mine.  I want to withdraw and just wait it out.  But, then, my color kicks back in and I want everyone to be happy and perky.  I treat him like I treat all of my other friends and they tend to respond positively to my banter, jesting, teasing and joking when they are in bad moods. It's a cruel double-edged sword.  If I pull back because I think he wants me to pull back and then he pulls back because I pulled back, then neither one of us will ever talk (and by "talk", I mean the non work-related joking, teasing, conversation and/or private jokes) to each other ever again. :P  If I continue to push perkiness, then I look like some manic clown.

I've always prided myself on my ability to read my friends -- to gauge their emotions and needs.  I'm the person with all sorts of goodies in her desk to try to meet whatever need there might be.  Candy?  Got it.  Band-aid? Got it.  Joke? Got it.  Shoulder? Got it. Space?  Space? Um... tell me what's wrong and you can have your space.  (I know, contradictory to my "undatable" blog where I admit myself to wanting a lot of space on occasion.)

I haven't had much luck reading men, though.  So, therein lies the rub.  A male friend.  He's a guy.  He has guy emotions and guy needs.  I usually am pretty successful with male friends because I usually have the same no bullsh*t attitude that they have.  But, he isn't the typical guy, either.  He actually admitted to being moody.

Hmmmm, a lot of deep thoughts over one ice breaker, eh?  Time to trod back into shallower water.

Back to my favorite color, pink.

There's just something innocent and sweet about pink.  I always think of pink as red's little sister.  Softer, gentler.  I think of cotton candy, lip gloss and that cloying "Love's Baby Soft" perfume I wore all through junior high.

I love my pink sheets and pink night gown.  I even have a pink robe and pink slippers.  (And yes, pink underwear, since we're going there.)   I know I mentioned in my "Miss Independent" blog that I come off harsh sometimes.  I think my affection for pink is my way of showing everyone and myself that I do have a softer side.  

I am a girl, after all.