The Truth About Who I'm In Love With....

And you got the power, it amazes me still
How you play my emotions with consummate skill
I don't have to look any further than into your eyes

So don't try to tell me you think it's just physical
It goes way deeper than that

You better know it's an affair of the heart
It's an affair of the heart
It's an affair of the heart
Have a little blind faith, believe
It's an affair of the heart

A few of you have written, expressing concern over the state of my heart because the tone of a few of my recent blog posts have been kind of melancholy and/or borderline manic about the topic of dating or finding someone to date.

So, I want to clear up some things.  I'm not dating, trying to date or even thinking about dating.  At least not in the "actively seeking" sense.  Seriously.  When it's meant to happen, it'll happen.  Like most things in life.

Now, does that mean I don't get wistful when I see a happy couple, romantic movie or Hallmark commercial? No. Somewhere down the line, before I'm too old to enjoy it, I'd like to fall in love.  Maybe even get married.  But, I'm not desperate.  I deleted the personal ad shortly after I realized the creepy "I want to have sex with a stranger" factor was high.  I am not interested in fix ups.  I don't want to know about some guy who knows some guy who might like me. 

My self-esteem is fine, as well.  I appreciate -- truly truly truly appreciate -- that you think I'm smart, funny, caring, kind and a great catch.  I agree.  I also agree that any guy who can't see past my body-size is a loser.  But, to be fair, if I were a guy, I definitely wouldn't be attracted to someone who could possibly suffocate me in a moment of passion.  I've seen the CSI episode about that.  But, I am a work in progress and some day, I won't be this size... and all of the guys who ignored me when I was this size, well, let's just say, I'll be like "Um, how do I know you?" 

That said, I will confess that there was someone I met recently whom I was looking at with open eyes and open heart.  It doesn't matter how I met him, who he was or any of the details.  He had potential.  I totally believe in keeping my private life private when it comes to matters like this.  I know it's hard to believe considering all of the other stuff I've written on here and on Facebook.   I didn't know what was going to happen and didn't want egg on my face if I talked about it and it didn't work out.  I also didn't want to jinx things.  We had a few conversations and I realized that there just was no future.  And, I'm not saying this because there might be a future and I'm being overly cautious.  We have no future.  There is someone in his life whom he is very serious about.  When I met him, I didn't know.  I suspected.  But, wasn't sure.  However, I did discover that he is not available and hasn't been available for a long time and loves the person greatly.   Because of common interests and mutual friends, we still see each other in passing every now and then and there is this twinge of "I wish", but I'll get over it.  It sucks because my friends will tell me something about something he did or said and I'll think, "Aw, man, he sounds nifty."  But, I don't believe in wanting things I cannot have.  Been there, done that.   The scars remind me that past is real.  (Thank you Papa Roach.)

When I saw the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love, I did realize I want someone in my life long-term.  However, there is no clock ticking nor am I rushing around trying to fancy myself in love with every charming guy I meet.

I have some really great friends who possess all of the characteristics I look for in a "man"... and hanging out with them and being with them (both male and female) is much less stressful than trying to date any guy I meet.  The only thing really missing is sex... and to be honest, that can be taken care of quite easily thanks to technology and imagination.

So, thank you for your concern.  I appreciate it.  But, really, I'm ok.

My recent comments about soul mates and datability are intended to be humorous and should only be taken that way.  I'm sorry if I've misled anyone.

Now, I think I'll go listen to some Alanis Morrisette. :)