Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

I don't want to lose you
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Listening to the Don Henley station on Pandora while working the PT job (we now have mandatory 15 hours of work per week) and went looking for a video for "Not enough love in the world" by Don Henley and stumbled across this old gem above.  Ahhh, sometimes, sometimes, love really isn't enough.

A few years back, I lost myself in someone.  Totally lost.  I stopped being myself and started being someone else.  Someone I thought he wanted.

I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, "Who is this person?  Why am I doing this?  What's in it for me?"

The person looking back would say, "But you love him."

I justified the changes I made in myself by saying I was doing them for love.

The reality is -- there was no love.  If there had been love, there would have been no need for changes.

He'd say that he liked a certain music.  I would then develop a like for that kind of music.

He'd say he liked a certain color.  I'd buy new clothing in that color.

Favorite food?  It was now mine, too.

We had very little in common and I wanted so badly for us to have things in common, so I forced things in common.  We rarely had "me, too" moments.

He never did any changing for me.  Nothing for my love.

Then, one day, I realized that I missed me.  Missed being individual, uncensored, funny, sarcastic, independent.  My friends missed me, too.

I found my voice.  He found the exit door.

Before it ended, he said to me, "I liked the old you much much more."

Go figure.

But, sometimes, love just isn't enough. 

Now, I refuse to change for anyone.  Stubborn, I know.  I don't want to lose my originality, uniqueness.  

I get confused by people who rush out and try to become a carbon copy of their mate.  If it wasn't there to begin with, why force it?  What's the point?

I often joke that I'd like to find a male version of myself.  At least then we'd both know what we were up against.  Whenever I'd get wiggy about something, I'd just be able to say, "Well, what would you do if someone were acting like this with you?" and know that he'd probably react the same way and then I could be less wiggy and more confident about the future of the relationship. And vice versa.  I'd really really love to have a "cheat sheet" for my soul mate, whomever he is.

I imagine after awhile, there'd be no need for communication.  We could just look at each other and just know what was going to happen next.  

I know it probably sounds awfully boring.  But, after all of the drama I've had in past relationships, I think I'd enjoy that symbiotic melding of minds and spirits.

I have no witty ending.  I am just going to go back to working my part-time job and listening to Pandora now.

If you were the male version of me, you'd already expect that.