Things Happen For A Reason, Right?

Everything falls apart,
then I get to try to put it back together
Everything falls apart,
and you can count on that like you can count on bad,
bad weather again

Was it good?
I don't remember much about it
When things start to feel right,
you can count on me to start to doubt it

I'm pretty sure I've used this song before.  It's my go-to song when things in my life seem to be a little wonky.  I love Dog's Eye View.  I highly recommend checking out their music, especially the stuff that is circa 1995.  Yes, I said circa.

I am having a bit of a struggle right now. 

I have been working so hard at being positive and keeping my head up.  I've been focused on my goals.  2012 is supposed to be MY year.  The year things change positively and I accomplish the things I want to accomplish in life.  I want to lose weight, get healthy, fall in love with someone who loves me back...  (not necessarily in that order, but those are my three main goals right now.)

However, in the past couple of weeks, things have taken a turn which leaves me stressed out and worried.

It never fails.  Whenever I put focus on myself, stuff seems to happen to draw my attention away from me and make me focus on other things.  The last time, in 2009/2010, Molly got sick and I had to shift focus away from me to her.  In 2007, I got diagnosed with that hyperventilation syndrome thingy and I didn't get to "enjoy" the transition from Ohio to Virginia.  I can keep going but the thought makes my head spin.  Every blinking time I make a resolve to focus on ME -- my health, my happiness -- something happens that makes me put it on the back burner.

So, this time --  it's money.  Go figure, right?  The bane of my existence.

Everything comes back to money.

Without warning, my part time job dried up.  Poof!  Gone in an instant.  I knew it wouldn't last forever.  However, I didn't expect it to just go away without any warning either.  I know I should never rely on part time income, overtime, bonuses or any sort of supplemental income.  It's usually just "extra" money.  However, I felt pretty confident that the work was going to be steady so I did some spending this fall that I wouldn't have normally done.  I went to Vegas and ran up a credit card.  I added a Target card and an Amazon card.  I've used both.  I now own a Garmin and a Kindle Fire.  I have credit card balances to prove it.  I've missed the window for returns.

Now, I'm not in a deficit.  I have about $100 surplus if I make the minimum payments and don't take on any more debt.  However, this leaves no wiggle room for any sort of emergency or indulgence.  This scares me.  I have less than $2000 in savings and owe the IRS and State this year, due to the part time job income nudging me into a higher tax bracket.

I was offered a new project, a phone project, by the part time job place.  I accepted it and then at the last minute, turned them down because I didn't want to be on the phones 15 hours a week trying to sell vacations.

I regret that.  Because now, I can't stop worrying about money.  I may have to get a retail job which means I'll then have to possibly stop going to the gym because I don't know of any retail places that will allow me to only work 4 hours on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday and keep my evenings and afternoons free. 

Without a cushion, I may not be able to afford "healthier" foods.  It's cheaper to eat badly than it is to eat healthy.

I had the plan this morning to get up and hit the pavement -- trying to talk to managers at the local grocery and dollar store -- to see if they needed someone just for a few hours a week.  

However, I woke up with a bad cough, chest congestion and ribs that felt like someone had kicked me while I was asleep.  I thought maybe it was an allergy or asthma attack and tried to talk myself out of it.  I went to WalMart and got some produce for the week and came back home.  The pain and discomfort, including the cough, got worse so I went to Patient First, the local urgent care place.  I have bronchitis.  I can't work out and I definitely can't interview and/or start any sort of part time job until I'm back to 100%.

I don't feel like eating healthy stuff.  I don't feel like eating at all.

I also had someone tell me yesterday that they could walk out of my life and never talk to me again because they just don't have any sort of emotional commitment to me, despite the fact that I have been emotionally committed to them for awhile now and thought the person was a good friend.  It hurt.

I have been scouring work at home sites, craigslist, the local newspaper website, job boards....  I'm a job seeking fool, who is seeking jobs with all of the other unemployed people in the world. 

So, all of this stuff... leaves me wondering why it is happening?  Why am I being tested?  

I consider myself a good person.  I work hard.  I treat people with kindness.  I don't try to get involved in drama and try to live a clean life.

Why is it that every time I try to do something for ME that will make ME happy, things have to happen that make me question my decisions and that make me have to choose between taking care of ME or focusing on other things?

I could use a hug.

And a winning lottery ticket.

And a sign that things are going to get better.