Nothing Ever Happens

And nothing ever happens if you stay in your room

Nothing ever happens if you leave the party too soon

You'll never be a winner if you're not in the game

Nothing ever happens if you always play it safe

Make a little space and get out of your own way

I've been in a bit of a rut lately.  Hamster in wheel. Spinning. Spinning. Twirling.  Moving forward but going nowhere.  Feels like I've been in the rut forever, to be honest. 

Then, at the beginning of the year, I made up my mind that I could stay in my rut and be miserable or I can do something about it.

As with any change, there is usually some sort of catalyst.  Something that prompts a person to make changes.  To shake things up. My catalyst was discovering that someone I was interested in is interested in someone else. I felt invisible.  Insignificant. I don't like feeling invisible and insignificant. I can't do anything about this person and the feelings they don't have for me, but I've decided that I'm not going to be invisible to the next person.  

You always hear the phrase, "You have to love yourself before you can love another person."  Although I'm fairly confident most days and have many great qualities that my friends like to point out to me often, I have a hard time accepting that I am lovable as I am.  I don't love myself.  I haven't loved myself for a long time. An old school friend came back into my life recently and called me beautiful in a message and it made me cry.  I want to look in the mirror and see what they see.  I just don't.  I can see beauty in others.  I can feel love and warmth and caring for others, so the logic should be that I should be able to do it for myself.  

So, I've been a woman on mission.  My mission is to stop being invisible to myself as well.  

How can I expect someone to know that I want to be anything else with them if I kind of try to fade into the background, wear clothing that is baggy and too big, and try to keep a nice wall around myself using jokes and witty repartee?  There was a part of me that wanted a chick flick -- where my personality and sense of humor would be the reason someone fell in love with me (like in that The Truth About Cats and Dogs movie), but the reality is -- men fall in love with their eyes first.  By the time they get to know my personality, their eyes have already dismissed me.

My job is having a weight loss challenge.  We had one last year. I was successful last year but did not take it as seriously as I should have.  I am using the weight loss challenge to motivate myself to make change happen.  To reduce my invisibility factor.  In my eyes and everyone else's.

It's a lot of hard work.  However, I've done it before.  I can do it again.

I'm very... tenacious.   When I really want something, I go after it with gusto.  With each success, the gusto grows.

I've never exactly been someone who ate poorly -- meaning that I am not your stereotypical fatty who eats fast food and drinks gallons of soda every night.  Nothing at all like those "600 lb Woman" stories you see on TLC where they need a crane to hoist her out of her potato chip crumb encrusted LaZboy Recliner.  I just don't eat the right way.  I skip breakfast. I sometimes scarf down my microwave meal lunch in 15 minutes or fewer and go back to work.  I didn't drink enough water.  I would sometimes only have one meal each day on the weekends.  I eat late.  I make poor choices.  

I'm a diabetic and know this is not smart.  When I was first diagnosed in 2002, I had to attend nutrition classes and one of the first things the nutritionist commented on was the fact that I was actually under-eating.  My body was constantly in starvation mode because I wasn't keeping it fueled regularly.  So, it would store every ounce of fat for fear that another meal might be coming soon.  She used the analogy of a coal-fed train.  She said that the engineer could stoke the oven in the morning and then ignore it all day, but the train wouldn't get very far.  She said in order to keep the train moving, the engineer had to keep putting more coal into the train to keep it running.  We have to do that to our bodies as well.

So, I've been getting back on track.  I'm not eating many processed foods like microwave meals.  I am cooking and preparing all of my meals.  Portioning out breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Including healthy snacks.  Making sure I have a balance of protein, dairy, carbohydrates and healthy fat.  I am not adding salt to my meals.  I gave up soda cold turkey at the beginning of the challenge.  I drink 64 ounces of water before lunch.  I drink 64 ounces between lunch and the end of the day.  Then, another 64 ounces between the end of the work day and 9:00 at night.  (If I go any later than that, I risk having an embarrassing accident in bed around 4 in the morning.  Too many close calls with dreams of me going to the bathroom only to wake up and realize how close I came to going to the bathroom... in bed.)  I include some sort of fruit or vegetable with every meal.  My goal is 6-8 servings per day.  So, I put spinach in my egg whites.  I mix corn and diced tomatoes into my protein at dinner.  I add broccoli slaw to sandwiches and salads.  I nibble on carrot slices and celery sticks.  I am balancing the whole thing.  Trying to make sure I'm not neglecting any food groups.  I allow myself the occasional "Skinny Cow" ice cream treat or break off a piece of peanut brittle or something for crunch and sweetness.  If I crave salt, I have a "Booty Call" and enjoy some Pirate's Booty.  Fridays are my "cheat" day, if I want.  I can have whatever I want for dinner if I want to go off the grid.  I've noticed, though, that my attempts to "cheat" have left me feeling sick and tired, so I don't think I'm going to go hog wild in the future. If I have a craving for soda, I grab a diet Snapple tea or really splurge and have an iced black tea lemonade, unsweetened, from Starbuck's.  It sounds like it might be healthier than soda.  Don't tell me if it isn't.

I bought some resistance bands at Target.  I also have the Shake Weight and a pedaling-machine.  I started out using them at home after work for some exercise but realized I'm too easily distracted and end up not doing exercise and end up doing something else.  A co-worker is a member of a local gym and was teasing me about joining.  So, I bit the bullet and joined the gym last weekend.  I used to be an avid gym goer when I lived in Ohio but then lost interest and desire once I moved here.  I'm starting out slow -- a few nights a week -- to build up stamina and to keep myself interested.   I'm doing cardio and strength training.  My goal is to add one more minute, one more rep to each session until I reach the point where I have a nice solid 45-60 minute routine down.  My ultimate goal is to get back on the elliptical and go for 30 minutes straight like I used to be able to do once upon a time.

I have no illusions that this will be quick and that it will miraculously make men worship me and fall in love with me.  I am doing what I need to do to feel better about myself.  So far, it's working.

I've lost 17 lbs so far.   I feel better about myself and my body.  I am noticing things about myself that I hadn't noticed in awhile.  I like my butt.  I have the proper form when using machines.  I may not look pretty when I'm all red-faced and sweaty, but I'm not going to the gym to compete with all of the Barbie types (which I haven't seen many, to be honest.)  I'm just there to do my thing.  My confidence is growing.  I feel good when I'm done exercising.  There's a little bounce in my step as I leave the gym.  

I have to be honest -- most people have a fear of failure.  In the past, whenever I've attempted to lose weight, I have this moment of panic where I actually fear success.

What happens if I do lose the weight, get in shape and I still don't love myself and no one else does either?  That's my deep dark secret.

However, I am trying not to dwell on that one right now.  

I've taken the first step to becoming visible.  Nothing ever happens if you stay in one place, doing the same things you've always done.