Complicated

Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Your watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get, and you turn it into
Honestly, you promised me
I'm never gonna find you fake it
No no no

Awhile back, I had this male friend.  We were pretty close.  We weren't "best friends" but we were close enough that I felt fairly comfortable calling him at 3:00 a.m. in the morning if I needed to, and vice versa.  We talked a lot.  We hung out.  I knew his friends.  He knew mine.  I met his family.  He mocked mine.  We would pass notes to each other during the day at work (our company only gave email and IM to management at that time.)  We ate lunch together most days.  We were good friends.  Some suspected we were more.   I really thought I knew him as a person and that if push ever came to shove, he'd have my back. I always had his.  Trusted and supported him totally, as friends should.

I developed feelings for him.  All of my friends were supportive.  They loved him.  They thought he loved me, but just didn't know how to tell me.  He was fairly reserved.  Kind of shy.  Possibly inexperienced and hurt in the past.

Then, things started to change.  He started to act out.  Acted weird.  Whenever I'd see him at work, he'd act a little more aloof.  His male friends would snicker when I walked away.  He stopped eating lunch with me and started to eat lunch with other people.  I was fine with that.  I had other friends and everyone needs space on occasion.  

He would test me -- see what I would do for him, ask me for things.  I bought him chocolate and would leave it on his desk.  He always wanted more or different things and I went out of my way to give them to him.  It was like a game to him to see how far I'd go for him, at least that's how I saw it in my mind.  I really liked him and didn't mind.  I bought chocolate and gifts for other people.  You've read my blog about how I have a hard time telling people how I feel so I buy them things.  He would suggest he wanted to do things with me and then at the last minute bail on me to do things with other people.

He also got arrogant, surly and distant.  He copped major attitude and started to talk about wanting to go places and do things that were totally out of character for him.  His male friends were encouraging him to do things that just didn't seem like things he'd enjoy.

He started drinking more and going out more. 

He started to make fun of me and things I told him.  It was like he took pleasure out of hurting me.  Then, after he'd hurt my feelings, he'd come around and be super nice for a few days.  I'd warm up to him again, then he'd hurt me again. 

He was jealous of my other male friends and would ask me if I wanted them.  If I expressed any desire whatsoever to have romance, love and/or sex in my life, he would mock it, ridicule it, and ridicule my beliefs.

When I lost a lot of weight and started to get noticed by other men, he would come around and insert himself into conversations and interactions and make it look like we had more of a relationship than we did. He also tried to take "credit" for my weight loss, like he had something to do with it, which he didn't.  In fact, he would always try to find ways to sabotage me.

Then, he went out of town on a trip and allegedly had a one night stand, which he and his friends took great delight in describing to me in detail at lunch, at work.

Then, he left the company and I hardly ever saw him or talked to him for awhile.  

Then, one night, he and I were out with some friends and there was a lot of alcohol flowing.  He came up to me and sat down beside me and proceeded to tell me all of the nasty things he wanted to do with this woman we mutually knew.  It hurt and it also made me see him through different eyes.

I didn't deserve that.  I had always respected him and we never really had the kind of relationship where we talked about other people we were interested in.  It was like there was this unspoken agreement that we would not talk about that because deep down, we were drawn to each other and we didn't want to cross any lines that would prevent a future romantic hook-up.  

So, as soon as he told me about this other woman, whom had no interest in him and whom had always sort of encouraged me to go after him, I suddenly realized that all of the cat and mouse games he and I had been playing for years, all of the long talks, note passing, flirting, getting to know each other, trusting each other...  none of it mattered.  None of it was real.  He didn't see me as a woman or a romantic possibility.  I felt like I had wasted so much of my time and energy.  I wondered if I had imagined everything.  I wondered where I went wrong.  I suck at reading signs and had to frequently consult our mutual friends for "is this friendship or more than friendship?" advice.  My female friends encouraged the more than friends.  My male friends thought he was a spineless jerk who couldn't decide who he was or what he wanted.  One of them used to make me do things with him on break out of "tough love" so that I wouldn't be tempted to rush over to the other guy and let him use me. I wasn't even sure we ever had a true friendship because in retrospect, I realized how many times I was the one doing the initiating, bending, offering and caring.  He would only exhibit "caring" feelings when others were around.  In hindsight, I think "the woman" he liked was around a lot during that time so I would wonder how much of his charming personality was for me and how much was for her.

From that point, the friendship, or whatever it was, went down hill.   We tried to be friends but there was just no going back from that point.  I think he regretted his actions.  I regretted getting so close that I allowed him to hurt me.  He would be super nice to me one moment and then slip into the "bad" behavior again.

I know he was searching.  Trying to figure out who he was.  I thought we would search together.  We really did have a lot of stuff in common.  A lot.  Emotionally, spiritually.  We connected in mind and in heart.  I was totally baffled by the thought that this wasn't enough.

I can get that people aren't attracted to some people.  When I first met him, I wasn't physically attracted to him at all.  He was not my type at all. Not my normal type.  But, as I got to know him, I liked him more and that made him more attractive.  I considered myself fairly attractive back then (not that I consider myself a dog now).  However, I wore dresses 90% of the time, wore make up, had good self esteem, weighed about 100 lbs less and dated.  Until I met him, I had a fairly active dating life.  Guys liked me.  I liked them.  I hadn't found "the one" but I was hopeful.

One day, I just made up my mind that I wasn't going to be available to him anymore.  He didn't like it.  He tried to fabricate reasons for us to talk -- he needed help with something, he needed advice.  I just couldn't do it any more.  I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship.  

I took my toys and went home.  I put my heart in a tightly sealed box and it was there for a solid 5 years.  I haven't tried to date.  I gained a lot of weight.  I ate my emotions (and the emotions of two other people).  I stopped loving myself and thinking that I deserved love.  I gave up trusting men.  I closed myself off.  I put up walls.

However, last year, I realized it had been long enough.  Spurred by new friends who have super positive attitudes.  Encouraged by male friends who are fun to be with and talk to.  Motivated by the desire to have some sort of relationship again before I'm too old to enjoy it.

I've rebounded and have opened up myself and my heart again.  I care about myself.  I have a fair bit of confidence.  I've tried to date but it hasn't worked out the way I'd like.  I guess I've become pickier and don't want just anyone.

I want the soul to soul connection.  The mind, body and soul connection.

I know you may be asking -- why in the world is this coming up now?

You always hear that history has a way of repeating itself, right?

Well, I've met someone who has this "anti-love" and "anti-commitment" attitude and it reminds me of all of my past hurt and why I was like that.

I wish I could sit down with this person and pour all of the sadness, loneliness and depression of the past 6 years into him and show him what his life is going to be like if he continues to embrace a shallow lifestyle, walled in by fear and hurt. It sounds great.  No emotion.  No hurt.  However, the walls that we build to protect ourselves also keep out good things.  No man is an island.  Everyone needs someone at some point.  It's not a weakness to feel things and want things.  Love is not the bogeyman.  True caring (as a friend) is not kryptonite.

This person has a lot of great characteristics and I would give him a place in my life in a heartbeat if he opened up and cared for me the way he cares for his low-expectation lifestyle.  I'm baffled by him and why he is okay with settling.

(Shrug)  I feel sad for him for losing out on so many great opportunities.  He seems to want to keep things superficial and not let people see the true him.  He pulls me in and pushes me away.  

The thing is, this newly enlightened me has heightened "instincts" that I didn't have before.  I don't know where they came from but when I submerged from my cocoon of self loathing, self pity and low self esteem last year and decided I was worthy and sexy and attractive... and a force to be reckoned with, I suddenly started to get vibes about certain people around me, good and bad. I've been self-educating myself on developing those vibes.

With him, I get the "liar liar pants on fire" vibe.  I get the vibe that he's all talk.  Fear. Vulnerability.  Doesn't want to look like a lesser man.  Wants me and everyone else to think he's more of a player than he is.  Wants to convince everyone he's okay with his life.  Purposely attracts women who aren't emotionally available because they are safe.  I don't buy it.  But, honestly, I don't know how to make him see what I see.  Even if I were to say it to him, and I've tried, but he LOL'd me to death while I tried, he won't admit it.  Like I wouldn't admit it.

Just like all of my friends couldn't get through to me for 5 long depressing years that I wish I could get back. I would gladly go back to 2005/2006 and try it all again, but with an open mind and open heart.

Like I said in my year-end blog, I will not settle any more.  Settling is for sissies.  I will ride the emotional roller coaster wherever it takes me instead of sitting on the safe merry-go-round.  Merry-go-rounds may be pretty and fancy (like a superficial life) but all you do is go in circles, seeing the same things over and over, with no real forward motion.  At least on roller coasters, you have forward motion, ups and downs that make you see what you are made of, loops that toss you around and make your heart beat.  Surges of energy and speed that make you breathless. Sometimes, you end up where you started.  Sometimes, you don't.  Either way, it was one hell of a ride.

Yeah -- like love.  Like life.  I'll take my roller coaster.

The seat next to me is available, friend, if you ever read this and want to get off of your pretty pony.