It's So Cosmopolitan

So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waist is small and your curves are kickin
And I'm thinkin bout stickin
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it miss thing

There was a time in my life when I fancied myself as a future Cosmo girl.  I subscribed to the magazine and read it cover to cover.  I practiced my seductive pout, with shiny lip-glossed lips, in the mirror.  I drew on smoky sexy eyes.  I would spend hours at the mall hoping to find a pair of heels that I didn't teeter totter on and an outfit in my budget that would make me look all glamorous.  

However, I was a broke child-care worker by day and lived in a college town with a population of 15,000, in a boarding house full of women.  There were no glamorous nights in my life, but I would sit in my room and read those magazines.  I was going to be a vixen some day.  I was going to have my share of fancy clothing and I was going to use that "trick that drives every man wild."  It usually involved the tongue in some way.  The "trick" would vary from issue to issue.  But I was down.  I am a scholar and avid reader.  I am a fast learner.  I'm eager to please.  I was just waiting for that perfect guy and perfect setting.

This was before Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex in the City chicks took the scene.  Before it became cool (at least on television) to wear $500 shoes that look terribly uncomfortable and to publicly tout your sexual prowess. 

Then, my priorities changed and life changed.  I put away my Cosmo magazines for a simpler dream.  One that did not involve lavish parties, champagne dreams and caviar fantasies.  My shoes came from Payless.  My clothing from whatever discount store or "big woman" store I could afford.  I wanted one man.  One relationship.  Happily ever after.

Yesterday (Saturday), I was still feeling pretty crappy and decided to once again go to the urgent care place to see if they could once and for all tell me what's wrong with me and how I can fix it.  Upper Respiratory Infection.  Brought on by being surrounded by people at work who keep sharing the germs over and over and over.  I picked up a face mask at the urgent care place.  I'm not afraid to use it.  I refuse to keep losing weekends to illness.  I wish I could dip into said co-workers' sick time every time I get sick.  One of my co-workers came to work for a solid week, coughing and sneezing on everything, and refused to use any of her sick time because she likes telling people she doesn't use her sick time.  She even cited a fever at one point.  Yeah, I'm a little bitter.

I digress.  I had to go to Target to fill a prescription after the doctor visit (and I'm not contagious, I'm happy to report) and while I was there, I picked up a few things.  While in line to check out, I glanced down at the magazines and saw Cosmo.  It has been years since I've actually purchased and read an entire copy of the magazine.  I picked it up and started thumbing through it and decided to go ahead and buy it.  Mostly for the article advertised on the cover that said "3 Clues He's Secretly Into You."  (I encounter several "he"s every day.  I want to make sure I'm not missing any clues.  I suck at that stuff. I wish we didn't have to read clues. I'm pretty straightforward. Why can't they be? But, that's another topic for another day.)  Oh, and there was also a tagline that said: "Too Naughty To Say Here!  But You HAVE To Try This Sex Trick."  I was curious to see if they found any new tricks that did not involve a mouth and penis.

I read the magazine last night before bed, cover to cover.  The first thing that disturbed me about the magazine was that Dakota Fanning was on the cover.  In my mind, she is still the screechy 9 year old girl from War of the Worlds.  The screechy 9 year old girl that I hoped Tom Cruise would sacrifice to the aliens.  Damn the screenwriters for trying to stay true to the original screenplay.

What else did I learn?  Hmmmm...

If a guy is interested in you, he'll find a way during normal conversation to give you the "thumbs up" signal. Maybe he won't realize it.  Maybe he will.  It seems odd to me.  How exactly does a guy manage a body language move during conversation that results in both thumbs becoming fully erect without it being obvious to him and to me?  What if he has a muscle spasm and I think he's telling me he likes me and I invite him to "try the trick" and I realize the only erect thing I was going to see was his thumb?

Dakota Fanning is 18.  Wow.

There's a guy named Sam Worthington that Cosmo deems the sexiest leading man of 2012.  I've never seen him before or heard of him.

There's a product called "Masque" for oral sex that allegedly makes the experience more ... um... tasty... for females (this is oral sex with woman giving not receiving) that involves dissolvable flavor strips that are placed strategically on the penis and then licked.  There was no picture of the product but I couldn't get the image of fruit roll ups out of my head.  Then, I thought, "Why not just buy fruit roll ups?"  Sex and a snack.  And it could be used for both women and men.  I'm just saying.

When you first meet a guy, he'll look into your eyes for an average of 8 seconds or more if he's attracted.  (Unless he's an eye doctor, then he's required to do that and it's not attraction.)  I have a tendency to stare people right in the eyes when I talk to them so I'm sometimes forcing a man to hold my gaze for more than 8 seconds.  Is that my subconscious way of telling them I want them to want me?

Guys do not find women attractive if they use the "F" word in normal conversation.  I notice the article said "normal conversation."  So, I imagine if I side up to a guy and initiate an abnormal conversation and say "Wanna f*ck?", that's acceptable?  The funny thing is, for me, is that I used to hate hate hate the "F" word.  As a holder of an English degree, I feel there are far better words in the English language that could express such a crude emotion.  However, this past summer, I developed my masculine side and began drinking beer more often and saying the "F" word more often.  No wonder guys say no to me when I ask them out.  Sh*t!

Guys like to be kissed on the neck, ears, chest, thighs and collarbone.  Hmmm...  so, basically, anywhere.

If you want a guy to open up to you, share something vulnerable about yourself first.   "So, I have a hard time falling in love, staying in love and saying "I love you".  Your turn."  Their response: "Yeah, um... so... how about those Steelers....  Speaking of Steelers, do you know who that cute girl in the black and gold sweater is? She's HOT."  (eyes rolled. Yeah, thanks for listening to me.)

If you are with a guy and want to send the message that you want him to touch you, you should stroke your hair from root to tip, slowly.  I have short hair.   And it's frequently fly away.  I'm always stroking my hair.  Guess I always want someone to touch me?

If you have a fight with your man and call him an a$$hole and then regret it, call yourself an a$$hole during the apology and he'll know you didn't mean it.  Wha? Huh?  So, if I put myself down, he'll accept my apology?  Won't he just think of me as an a$$hole and think this is an acceptable thing and keep on being an a$$hole too?

There are three types of coping your man adopts when you fight with him: zombie, brooder or amnesiac.  Zombies shut down.  Brooders stew. Amnesiacs pretend it didn't happen.   I've known a few amnesiac zombies.

Ghosting is the term for guys who pull back and/or disappear from the relationship without any explanation.  I've known a few amnesiac zombies who ghosted.

If a guy friend kisses you at a bar, after a few drinks, but then pulls an "amnesiac" on you later, he either 1) regrets the kiss and wants to pretend it didn't happen or 2) was too drunk to remember he did it or 3) is waiting on you to make the next move.  Wow!  I never would have come to that on my own. (eyes rolled)

Wearing a tiara accesses my "inner girl".  Using glitter pens, stickers and band-aids with cartoons on them also do this.  Whew!  Good thing I do something to channel my "inner girl" since I already know how to channel my "inner boy" by cursing and drinking beer.

Vadge is an acceptable term for the vagina.  What's wrong with the word vagina?  Why can't we just say vagina? I like the word vagina.

The "trick" that drives him wild?  The 69 position.  BUT... not just the routine 69.  Their suggestion requires the bodies, skill and flexibility of acrobats.  I had to close my eyes and imagine it at least three (ok, maybe a few more than 3) times before I could "see" what they were suggesting.  He sits on the couch naked.  She, also naked, slides over his shoulders and down his belly from a standing position behind the couch. She braces her weight on her elbows by his thighs (or on his thighs) and rests her knees on his chest and/or shoulders. They do the deed.   I'm laughing in my head because I immediately see a thinner version of me, who is quite clumsy and not at all flexible, sliding right on down his body and onto the coffee table, conking my forehead on the coffee table and then sprawling nekkid on the floor.  I'd probably have to do a quick "ta dah!" as I stand up and pray he gives me a 10 for my dismount.

There's an app for 3-D sex positions.  They didn't give a link for it.  How rude.

Catching a parent cheating on the other parent can damage our perception of relationships.  Really?  Damn.  I thought it was magazine articles and chick flicks that did that.  I'm betting next month they have an article that says if our parents were single and dated/married a lot of different partners while we were children, then we will grow up having a hard time believing in monogamy, true love and happily ever after.  That's just a hunch.

If you have a cat and plan on spending the night at a man's place and feel guilty about leaving the cat alone, leave an article of your clothing for the cat to curl up with.  (Yes, I found this useful.  I do hope to eventually leave Abby home alone at night.)

Guys find women who make them laugh attractive and if they can make them laugh on the first date, there's usually a second date.  Damn.  I don't usually pull out the joke cards until date 3.  No wonder I don't get a 2nd date.  

However, guys do not find it attractive if a woman gets drunk on a first date.   I'm usually very shy on a first date, so alcohol would probably be the only way I could muster up humor on the first date.  This is not boding well for me.

The quiz at the back of the magazine was "Are You Daring Enough?"  I came up timid.  No shocker there.  I hoped for "very daring".  Guess I need to work on my "tricks".  Any volunteers?  (I hear the crickets that showed up during my blog about how I let a man know I'm interested.)

So....  I have a feeling it's going to be awhile before I buy another issue of Cosmo but it was definitely a learning experience and great blog fodder.

Thank you sexually active readers and writers of the world for giving me even more motivation to make this year's weight loss challenge a success.

There's no way in hell I'm gonna pull off the couch trick in my current state.  Give me a few months!!

Or maybe right now I need to find a guy who only knows 69 as the number after 68 and before 70. (Cause unless he has some of that Masque stuff or a fruit roll up in his pocket,  I don't see any real merit in it. The "trick" that is, not oral sex overall.)