I Touch Myself

I love myself I want you to love me
When I feel down I want you above me
I search myself I want you to find me
I forget myself I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Ooh I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I've been reading magazines again.  This time, it's GLAMOUR.  The cover states "The GUYS & SEX Issue" and then has a tagline that states "Men, Men, Men - What 1,000 of Them Secretly Want From Women Now."

Below that, there's a smaller tag that states: "OMG! The Sex Thing 31% of Guys Do at Work."  (I was hoping it was ogle chubby girls and doodle their names on their notepads... but I was not even close on that guess.)

I had to buy the magazine.  I was holding up the line trying to read it while in the store.

It's no secret that I hope to date again soon.  I mean - hello - weight loss program, gym membership...  I even bought some shampoo that allegedly stops thinning hair and some toothpaste that allegedly whitens teeth.  I bought some eye shadow that proclaims lasts "24 hours" just in case I need my eyes to look colorful for that long. (You know, in case I go home with someone and wake up with someone... nudge nudge, wink wink.)  I checked out Spanx but they were too expensive and looked too uncomfortable.  I've worn shapewear before.  Not fun.  Besides, how do you explain to some guy you pick up in a bar why you were two sizes smaller before you took off your clothing?  No amount of pitch blackness and/or soft candlelight can disguise that sudden change in appearance.

I digress.  The wanting to date means I need to brush up on men. The magazine might be a good start.

I had to find out the 31% statistic.  It's masturbate at work.  Really.  310 men admitted to GLAMOUR that the give the ole knob a shine while at work.  (I've been telling people 38%.  Sorry for the misinformation.)  Ever since I've read that statistic, I've been looking at my male co-workers differently.  I've also been looking at all of the dark corners at work differently.  Where would a man go to do such a thing?  Why would a man do such a thing at work?  I'm sure there's more to the story that the number.  Like -- an illicit affair with someone at work that left him all hot and bothered... or needing to let of some stress...  or a crush on a chubby co-worker... (ha, just making sure you were still reading.)  This statistic indicates that 1/3 of those surveyed have touched themselves intimately at work.  1/3.  There are approximately 300 people (men and women) in my building.  There's a good chance that I've passed by someone in the hall who has spent a few extra minutes in the bathroom stall.  That unnerves and kind of excites me.  I enjoy the risk factor.

Back to the article -- 

• 52% of the men stated that the first thing they notice when a woman gets naked is her breasts. (I'd think it was "holy shit, she's naked!)
• 33% said that when they get naked in front of a woman, they are most self-conscious about their stomach. (I'd think it was what dangled below the stomach.)
• 85% said that a woman who texts right back is efficient. 15% said desperate. (some men are weird about texting.  I really expected this to be a different set of numbers.)
• 55% of the men polled said they've told a woman they cared for her more than they did to get her into bed. (Shocker, right?)
• 63% said they've measured their penis size. (I expected more.  Don't guys just know that?  Like shoe size?)
• 38% of the men said they think about sex more than food, work, money or their appearance in a single day. (it's all about priorities.)
• Of that 38%, 39% said they thought about having sex with their girlfriend or wife (or both?)
• 42% said that when they marry, they'd insist that their wives take their last name. (Insist? Hmmmmm)
• 74% said they'd elect a woman as President.
• 39% said that if they had only one sexual position to use for the rest of their lives, they'd pick woman on top. (sure they would.  it puts those breasts right at eye level.... and makes her do the work.)
• 84% would break up with someone if their friends didn't like her.
• 36% admitted to "manscaping". (hmmm.... which hairy part do they 'scape?)
• 68% said they are looking for a committed relationship. (yoo hoo... I'm free...)
• 46% said that the biggest thing holding them back from settling down is the amount of money they are making. (yoo hooo, I don't care unless it's nothing...)
• 48% said they'd like to know what a female orgasm felt like. (funny, their partners said the same thing.)
• 32% said that if they discovered a female had a tattoo, they'd hope it would be in her hip/bikini area. (good to know.  I was going to get mine(s) on my breast.)

Not nearly as enlightening as the COSMO I read last month, but some interesting numbers for when that conversation lulls.

Or for when a male co-worker disappears for a rather long period of time and comes back looking a little flushed.  Drop the statistic.  See how he reacts.