Photograph

I see your face every time I dream
On every page, every magazine
So wild and free, so far from me
You're all I want, my fantasy

Oh, look what you've done to this rock n' roll clown
Oh oh, look what you've done

Photograph
I don't want your photograph
I don't need your photograph
All I've got is a photograph, but it's not enough

There's the expression that a picture is worth a thousand words.  

But, what if the picture is of some man's private parts?  His junk?  His package?  His man meat?  His love muscle? His one-eyed wonder worm? His snake?  (Want to know exactly how many words I can come up with for penis?)

On NEW GIRL on Tuesday, Schmidt took a photo of his penis and texted it to CeCe and then called her and asked, "Did you get my junk mail?"  Schmidt is a total douche and it is pretty on course for something he'd do.  However, do men really do that in real life?

Yes.

In the past few weeks, I've discovered that a few of my female friends, at some point within the past few years, have received a text from a man which contained a photo of his dangling part.

I haven't.  I don't know if I should be proud... or disappointed.

I'm totally baffled by the thought of it, to be honest.  I can't even imagine being so completely brazen enough to take a photograph of my girly bits (plus, I'm just not that flexible) and texting them to someone I'm interested in.  Not while I was sober.  What would the expected outcome be?  Disgust? Admiration? Amazement? Shame? Ridicule? Lust?

"Oh, Bevy, thank you so much for the beaver shot.  I am in love with you.  Let's run away to Hawaii and you can show it to me in person."

Yeah, right.

So, do men think that sending the pixels of their little friend to some woman will generate the same kind of response?

"Oh my god!  I am so smitten.  Take me now you wild beast.  Bring it to me.  Now."

Now, I can see if two people are seriously involved.  SERIOUSLY involved.  Meaning that they have probably already introduced their boy and girl parts to each other.  I can see it as a private joke. (Or would that be a privates joke? Snort.)  "Thinking of you" kind of stuff.  I'm all for the private joke.  That would definitely be a keeper.  Especially if it was kind of funny, too.  Maybe his little friend wearing a patch like a pirate?  Or decorated like a cyclops?  Or candy cane...  Something creative.  Something that would crack me up for years to come.  Ooops, did I say me?  How did I get into this little fantasy?

I'll be honest.  I've become almost obsessed with the whole concept.   I've been asking male friends if they'd do it.  In general.  Not to me specifically.  Although, there's a small part of me that gets a little excited by the thought.  But, then I get a little wigged out, too.  I mean -- what do you say to someone after that happens? 

"Thanks!" seems insufficient.  "You rock!" - too casual.  "I want you" - too serious.  "I can't find the zoom on my phone.  What is that?"  OUCH!

Is junk texting the modern equivalent of the "I like you.  Do you like me?  Check Yes or No." boys used in grade school?

If a guy texts you a photo of his pocket pal, do you have to reciprocate?  Do you get fancy?  Do you schedule a Brazillian?  Do you look for some place that still does Glamour Shots?  

I guess one could see this as an act of amazing daring.  If a man is willing to go out on a limb to show you his woody, maybe that means he has uber confidence and is up for anything?  Or is he just a closet perv who gets off on rubbing lotion on himself, tucking his bits and pieces and dancing a la Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs?

I've been thinking about this so much this week that I had a dream last night that I went out and vajazzled my vagina (well, not the actual vagina -- just the skin area on the exterior) and then uploaded the photo to everyone in my address book in my cell phone.  EVERYONE.  My insurance agent, my doctor, my co-workers, my boss, my friends, Abby's vet....  EVERYONE.   And I did it on purpose.  Like someone dared me.  I woke up before I could see what the results were.

"Oh Bevy.  How brave.  How cute.  How did you get them to stick?  Want to come over later?  I can play connect the dots."

A girl can dream.