Runaround

But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me
And show me all the things no one else can see
So what you feel becomes mine as well
And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine the fishing's fine
And it doesn't have to rhyme so don't you feed me a line

But you
Why you wanna give me a run-around
Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up
When all it does is slow me down

I know I've mentioned before that I do not do "subtle" well.   I have had female friends tell me in the past "Oooooh, he's so into you.  The signs are all over the place."  I always had to ask them what they meant. Then, they'd list all of these things that some guy allegedly did while in my glowing presence that was a sure-fire bet that he was into me.

Then, I saw the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" (one of my favorites) and all bets were off because the whole premise of that movie is that all of those bad advice things that our sisters, mothers and girlfriends tell us about men are totally off-base with men and that men are very straightforward.  Most men just want sex.  No commitment. No glitter.  No unicorns.  I have to say, with the men I've met in the past decade or so, that seems to be pretty accurate.  Of course, if you've seen the movie, though, you know that it's a chick flick and no good chick flick ends with the concept that men don't want romance and love.  In the event you haven't seen it, I'm not going to spoil the end. 

I honestly do not possess the feminine gene that can decipher those things that men do that tell me he's into me.  Touching? Flirting? Words? Body Language?  I've studied it all.  I can usually tell (after the fact) when a guy WASN'T into me (see previous blogs about that) but short of the guy looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "Yo, I like you as a girl", I miss it all.  Maybe because there's still a weird "New Girl" part of me that just doesn't think guys will ever dig me as more than a buddy or friend.  But, as I become fiercer, I hope to overcome that.  I don't think I'm going to let any more men enter my life as just a friend unless they are married or gay.  All men, going forward, will have a target on them and I will eliminate them as the future love monkey before I categorize them as friend. I may even go back and re-evaluate all of the current men in my life too.  What the hell, right?  That's what being fierce is about.  Take no prisoners. I will take Cosmo and Glamour's advice and refrain from over the top humor, using curse words and discussing things like politics and religion. Until they know me better.

I digress.  The song "run-around" by The Blues Traveler was on the radio today when I was running some errands.  It was my song, my personal theme song in the mid 90s.  In fact, when the movie of my life is made, when the movie gets to my "online dating" phase, this will be the song that plays in the background.  Every time I met a guy who built me up and let me down, this was my go-to song.  It didn't help that the radio played it at least 15 times a day.  I still have all of the words memorized.  I totally rocked it, in between bursts of coughing, all the way from First Colonial Road to Lynnhaven Parkway (on Virginia Beach Blvd.)  If you don't live here, this means nothing to you.  It's a good 5-8 minute stretch of traffic.  A guy beside me, in a tan truck, looked over and gave me a look.  I just smiled and kept on singing.  Especially when I got to the part above.  I don't know why, but that part of the song always stuck with me. When you really listen to the words, it's about being hopeful for a relationship that seems to be going nowhere.  A true romantic wrote the song.   "I want you to reach me."

I always felt/feel that sometimes people (and by people, I mean men) don't know how to "reach" me.  Get me.  Get to me.  They stop at the surface.  Now, I'm not at all professing to be some deep pool that they need to put on SCUBA gear and dive into.  It's just sometimes they make the assumption that what they see is all I am.  No one ever really tries harder to get to know me and I often have to be the one to toss out things from inside my brain and inside my heart to try to lure them in and show them that there's "more".  I am eagerly awaiting that one guy who can "reach" me. Who can read between the lines.  Understand me.  Understand my heart.  And like it.

Maybe I'm getting a little melancholy.  Valentine's Day is coming and I'm trying to see it as just another day.  I love love and romance and it's a shame that it's wasted on people who don't give a damn, and who let their flowers die and who don't eat chocolate.  (Damn, now I want some chocolate.)  

Oh, sure the banner may be torn and the wind's gotten colder
Perhaps I've grown a little cynical
But I know no matter what the waitress brings
I shall drink in and always be full
Yeah, I will drink in and always be full

Oh, I like coffee and I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
I still got this dream that you just can't shake
I love you to the point you can no longer take
Well all right okay, so be that way
I hope and pray that there's something left to say

I am not apologetic for what I want.

I am not going to get cynical.

I'm not going to let life give me the run-around, even if men do. Sometimes.

And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully